LATE SHOW NEWS by Aaron Barnhart March 10, 1997, Issue 146: "Private Parts" ... Stormy Norm ... Readers on Ro ... Magic in the air? SPRINGTIME FOR FARTMAN LATE SHOW NEWS has been to see "Howard Stern's Private Parts," and can safely report that the movie, while entertaining, deprives Stern's millions of radio fans, including those who catch his show in condensed, late-night TV form on the E! cable channel, of the Howard they've come to know and love. Radio is the medium of the imagination, and Stern is a master of it, putting everything he has and is out there, the charming as well as the ugly, and forcing the listeners to sort it all out and draw their own conclusions. The TV distillation of Stern's radio show runs the gamut as well. In the movie, by contrast, Howard and producers have been selective with which flaws get presented, so what we see are all lovable flaws. The big galoot can't help but be this way, argues "Private Parts," if he's to be a successful radio star and fulfiller of the American dream. It's as if Howard turned his half of one of those on-air phone conversations with Alison into a feature-length dream sequence -- which is just how it's depicted in "Private Parts," with Howard telling his story, his way, to a seatmate on a flight (played, wouldn't you know, by superbabe Carol Alt). Done this way, "Private Parts" deliberately steers away from the complexity that defines Stern, as well as Letterman, Carson, Paar, and host of other broadcast greats. Hollywood Howard is a subset of the radio Howard: he shies away from ethnic jokes; picks fights only with station managers, not with rival DJ's or Jerry Seinfeld; saves his venom for deserving schmucks and never pursues the pointless, Bob Grant-worthy attacks that are a regular feature of his K-ROCK show. In this movie, there are no fans invoking his name while calling Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig or giving fits to live-news producers. It's a stretch to call the Hollywood Howard sanitized; but longtime fans will feel like the radio Howard has been freshened up to curry favor with American movie audiences. There's nothing wrong with wanting a hit movie, of course. But wading through the piles of pre-release publicity engineered by Stern, it is unnerving to see him so fixated on the high test scores the film got with audiences, and the fact that key naysayers -- including director Betty Thomas and co-star Mary McCormack -- had to be won over to his side. *They found me ingratiating; so will you, dear moviegoer.* Stern was careful to say the movie was also aimed at his faithful listeners. "I tried to get my hardest material" into the movie, Stern told an interviewer, "the stuff I got most in trouble for." But that declaration is not really borne out by "Private Parts." His infamous 1982 call to Air Florida to ask the price of a one-way ticket to the 14th Street bridge is left out, as are his jokes about blacks and Asians (the latter is alluded to by a Chinese waiter in the movie, but not actually shown). Sex sells, however, and Stern heaps it on liberally in "Private Parts." His relationship with Robin Quivers is adjusted in a couple of key places to make the story line easier to follow, to give Howard a pretense for filming a scene in which he gets to fondle Robin's feet -- a motive, quite frankly, I can't argue with. And the character of Kevin ("Pig Vomit"), his program director at WNBC, is a composite of Kevin "Pig Virus" Metheny and another radio executive; for the record, Metheny now freely admits, with the typical bravado of a radio exec, that his restraining tactics on Howard were "colossal horseshit." But these simplifications are both routine and necessary in Hollywood, the price you pay when adapting any book-length narrative. Howard's longtime fans, however, ought to be a little distressed by how shined-up this mainstream image of their hero is. Longtime Letterman fans certainly fretted when Dave moved into the Ed Sullivan Theater and suddenly became an affable master of ceremonies. At some point, the new persona eclipsed the old and we were left wondering who was this person coming into our living rooms at night. Ask any radio devotee just how enjoyable it was hearing Howard obsessing and compulsing about his movie over the past year; ask her if she really wants to go through that all over again in 1998, should Stern sign another movie deal. (In the alt.fan.howard-stern newsgroup, in fact, fans are arguing this point feverishly. "Howard, if that's what you're going to become, by the time you do the next movie you won't be the King of anymore," writes one listener. "Us, your fans, like your humor for its spontanaiety and your ability to go for it. Think what becoming an 'actor' did to Eddie Murphy. He sucks now. I'm sure it's tempting because doing 1-2 movies a year is a hell of a lot easier then waking up to do the radio show, but it could have a very negative effect. DON'T BECOME HOLLYWOOD HOWIE!" Another writes, "It's nice to see him get the credit he has earned, but I am anxiously waiting for the movie hype to end.") In the end, "Private Parts" trips lightly over the border between entertainment and marketing, promoting Howard Stern with the same calculated brazenness with which "Space Jam" markets the NBA. If this is the Stern that moviegoers are going to see, how much longer are we going to hear the Stern that radio listeners recognize? Production notes: the guy who sees Howard off at the airport early in "Private Parts" is the same character actor who portrays Letterman producer Peter Lassally in "The Late Shift," which "Private Parts" producer-director team Ivan Reitman and Thomas also collaborated on. Also Letterman, looking every bit his near 50 years, is shown interviewing Howard circa 1985 (we see Dave's NBC furniture but his CBS backdrop). Perhaps they reshot the interview because NBC refused to let Stern use the actual footage. And this just in: "Private Parts" opened in first place over the weekend, earning an estimated $15.1 million. Paramount Pictures says the film did well across the country, not just in the markets where Stern's syndicated radio show is heard. (I saw it in a half-empty theater at a 22-screener in Kansas City, a town where the only syndicated shows to be heard are Rush Limbaugh and, as of March 17, Mancow Muller.) You can read the Mr. Showbiz interview with Howard at . READER MAIL The letters that arrived with regard to Andy Ihnatko's funeral pyre for Rosie O'Donnell showed opinion dividing those of you who write for a living (can't stand her) from those of you with real lives (can't get enough of her). Sandy McMurray of the Toronto Sun comes closest to actual praise when she writes, "Andy's criticism of Rosie, while accurate, misses the point of the show. It doesn't have to be good -- it just has to be better than everything else that's on at the same time. Which it most definitely is." Dave Donnelly of the Honolulu Star-Bulletin speaks for several of my credentialed friends. "All this time I thought something was wrong with me," he writes. "While you and so many others were waxing molto lubricanto over Rosie O'Donnell, I kept wondering what in the hell are they seeing in this annoying broad?" But wait! here is unpaid viewer Betsy Hodges firing back with a cush ball of her own: "He gets sick of jingles and someone being *nice*? He gets sick of product placements that usually result in something *good* happening for non-profit organizatrions that can use all the help they can get? Does he get sick of Dave making faces in the camera and being surly and making mockery of his guests in ways that are currently less funny than cruel? Does he get sick of Jay fawning over pretty women?" And Theodora G. chimes in: "Rosie's just having fun feeding her fans' fantasies ... I've had online discussions with Ro on SEVERAL occasions -- and she's a very sincere, caring person ... Sounds like Andy's got waaaaaaay too much time (and something else) on his hands ... " Finally, in response to my comment that "The Mike Douglas Show" did not suck, Lee Aronsohn says, "You're right. It blew." BREAKING LATE NEWS In the March 20 issue of Rolling Stone (the one with you know who on the cover), TV writer David Wild asks "SNL"'s Norm MacDonald what was the worst reaction he ever got from a studio audience. Norm's reply: "There was this joke I did in dress rehearsal that never got on air. You know that famous picture of the naked girl in Vietname running away from napalm? I showed that and then said, 'In gossip news, Woody Allen's dating again.' I thought it would kill. Instead, the reaction went on for like a minute of pure, crazy hate. At least it was a reaction. I just love reaction" ... Speaking of unintended reactions, "peach lady" Jane Bronstein has settled out of court for an undisclosed amount with David Letterman over unauthorized use of her eating ritual on "Late Show" in 1995 ... And now there are three black hosts splitting the perceived "Arsenio demographic." Magic Johnson announced last week that he will develop a late-night talk show for 1998 with Twentieth Television. If he demonstrates the same kind of perseverance and determination he showed during his NBA comebacks and service on the President's AIDS panel, John Salley has nothing to worry about. Tom Heald's THIS NIGHT IN HISTORY Mo 3/10: In 1980, ABC NEWS president Roone Arledge, Ted Koppel and other ABC executives meet to decide on a name for their permanent late-night successor to "The Iran Crisis: America Held Hostage." Among the names rejected: "Night Brief," "Night Time," and "News Night." The group finally decides on Richard C. Wald's suggestion: "Nightline." It's not unanimous, though -- "What a crappy name," says Koppel. Tu 3/11: In 1956, Joey Buttafuoco born. Those who keep score know that he's been the punchline in eighteen of David Letterman's "Top Ten lists." We 3/12: In 1951, Don Giller born. A freelance typesetter by trade, Giller is *the* foremost authority when it comes to David Letterman's television career. He's the "Donz5" I thank at the end of my column every week. A more complete bio can be found in the LATE SHOW NEWS Museum at . Th 3/13: In 1954, Robin Duke born. Duke was SCTV's arts and crafts maven Molly Earl, and also a "Saturday Night Live" cast member from 1981-1984, where she became thoroughly unbearable as Wendy Whiner. Fr 3/14: In 1996, on "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," in a sketch involving unusual collegiate cheerleaders, a new recurring character is born, The Gaseous Weiner. To this day, he remains one of television's most well-known giant flatulating hot dogs. Sa 3/15: In 1980, "Saturday Night Live's" Paul Shaffer "breaks down the last barrier" when he accidentally mumbles the word "f***in'" instead of "floggin'" during a sketch involving a medieval version of "The Troggs." This was also "SNL"'s 100th show. Su 3/16: In 1982, writer Chris Elliott makes his second on-air appearance on "Late Night with David Letterman," the first being the night before (3/15/82) dressed in an "urban disguise." For inexplicable reasons, on the previous night the segment was blacked out from the entire Eastern Seaboard feed. It was during this appearance that it dawned on Chris that as long as you can make Letterman laugh, that's all it took to be on the show. And he soon tries try to find any excuse possible to disrupt the show -- thus The Conspiracy Guy, The Panicky Guy, The Guy Under the Seats, The Fugitive Guy, The Regulator Guy, and Marlon Brando. [Thanks to Herbert Gambill, Mike Cader, Kyle Gibson, and Ted Koppel. Special thanks to Donz5 who's likely embarrassed by all this attention.] [Got the Sharefun Virus? Don't send it to Tom Heald at .] THE LINEUPS (with Sue Trowbridge) LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS Mo 3/10 Cybill Shepherd, Joe Montana, Joan Osborne (R 10/16/95) Tu 3/11 Garry Shandling, Sting, Nigel Mansell (R 2/28/94) We 3/12 Eddie Murphy, Tony Bennett, Wayne Cotter (R 5/20/94) Th 3/13 Fran Drescher, Grant Hill, Trisha Yearwood, Madonna (R 2/13/95) Fr 3/14 Roseanne, Martin Lawrence, Brooks and Dunn (R 11/29/94) Mo 3/17 "Howard Stearns," Ray Romano, The Chieftans Tu 3/18 Martin Short, Larenz Tate, traditional Japanese drum group KODO We 3/19 Cindy Crawford, Robert Townshend, Chris Whitley Th 3/20 Dennis Leary, Bridget Hall, Toad the Wet Sprocket (R 1/5/96) Fr 3/21 Elle Macpherson, David Spade, D'Angelo (R 1/31/96) Mo 3/24 Ellen DeGeneres, Raquel Welch, Candlebox (R 4/21/94) THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC Mo 3/10 Diane Keaton, David Spade, Deana Carter Tu 3/11 Mia Farrow, Robert Palmer We 3/12 Phil Hartman, Laura San Giacomo, Stomp Th 3/13 Courtney Thorne-Smith, Dennis Miller, Collective Soul Fr 3/14 Robin Quivers Mo 3/17 Jason Priestley, Vivica A. Fox, tennis player Carlos Moya Tu 3/18 Jennifer Lopez, Johnny Cash We 3/19 Marlon Wayans Th 3/20 Jim Carrey LATE LATE SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER, CBS Mo 3/10 Anthony Edwards, Nadine Strossen (R 11/21/96) Tu 3/11 Anne Rice, B.B. King (R 10/18/96) We 3/12 Rita Wilson, private eye Charlie Parker (R 11/18/96) Th 3/13 Preempted due to coverage of NCAA Basketball Fr 3/14 Preempted due to coverage of NCAA Basketball Mo 3/17 Lisa Hartman-Black, Thomas Mallon Tu 3/18 Christopher Buckley We 3/19 John Gregory Dunne, Jennifer Tilly LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC Mo 3/10 Mary Tyler Moore, Eric Bogosian, Billy Burr (R 2/4/97) Tu 3/11 David Brenner, Salma Hayek We 3/12 Bill Bellamy, Janine DiTullio Th 3/13 Howard Stern, Lolita Davidovich, Freedy Johnston Fr 3/14 Sarah Jessica Parker, Jason Bateman, William H. Macy Mo 3/17 Actress Fran Drescher, actor William Shatner, Paul Lukas (R 2/6/97) Tu 3/18 TBA We 3/19 TBA Th 3/20 Mike Myers, Hugh Fink Fr 3/21 Halle Berry, Andy Dick LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN RERUNS, CNBC Mo 3/10 Whoopi Goldberg, Jack Palance, Simply Red (R 12/19/96) Tu 3/11 Tom Arnold, Tommy Davidson, Big Head Todd and the Monsters (R 2/11/97) We 3/12 Geoffrey Rush, Wilt Chamberlain, Mary Chapin Carpenter (R 2/12/97) Th 3/13 Siskel and Ebert, Jeffrey Ross (R 2/13/97) Fr 3/14 Richard Harris, Jake Johannsen, Vivica A. Fox (R 2/14/97) LATER, NBC Mo 3/10 Nely Galan with Judith Regan Tu 3/11 Nely Galan with Liz Torres We 3/12 Suli McCullough with guest TBA Th 3/13 Suli McCullough with guest TBA Mo 3/17 Hazelle Goodman with Deepak Chopra Tu 3/18 Hazelle Goodman with Laura Innes THE DAILY SHOW, Comedy Central Mo 3/10 Charles Osgood Tu 3/11 Pat O'Brien We 3/12 Richard Lewis Th 3/13 Blair Brown CHARLIE ROSE, PBS It's Pledge Month; Charlie will be airing best-of interviews. Mo 3/10 Joel/Ethan Coen and Frances McDorman, Kristin Scott Thomas Tu 3/11 Anthony Minghella and Michael Ondaajte, Milos Forman We 3/12 Scott Hicks; Mike Leigh, Brenda Blethyn, Marianne Jean-Baptiste, James Woods Th 3/13 Hosni Mubarak, Juliette Binoche Fr 3/14 Billy Bob Thornton, Geoffrey Rush Mo 3/17 Michael Crichton Tu 3/18 Walter Cronkite We 3/19 Whoopi Goldberg POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC Mo 3/10 Lynn Redgrave, Laura SanGiacomo, Richard Brookhiser, Louie Anderson Tu 3/11 Alan Thicke, Phillip Glass, Holly McClure, Paul Provenza We 3/12 Steve Lawrence, Garry Wills, Trace Adkins, Elayne Boosler Th 3/13 Mike Farris, Sheryl Lee Ralph, Billy Bob Thornton Fr 3/14 Phil Hartman, Merrill Markoe, Jerry Yang, Clifford Stoll DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1 Di 11/3 Frauke Ludowig, Moritz Bleibtreu Mi 12/3 Aleksandra Bechtel, Kai Ebel Do 13/3 Isabel Varell, Juergen Vogel Fr 14/3 Playboy-Model Nadine Tschanz HOWARD STERN, E! Mo 3/10 John Mellencamp, "Liz Taylor" Kook Tu 3/11 Stuttering John at News Emmys, Englebert Humperdinck We 3/12 Albert Brooks, Sarah the Transsexual returns Also on late nights: NIGHTLINE, ABC CHARLES GRODIN, CNBC CARSON'S COMEDY CLASSICS, Family Channel MAD TV, Fox SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, Comedy Central THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW, HBO ====================================================== AARON BARNHART IN THE KANSAS CITY STAR Coming Up: Save a trip to the archive. Simply go to on the date of publication shown below: ... "In Toon With the Times" (Mo 3/10) (essay on "Daria" and "King of the Hill") Archived (see method below): ... "Feds"/"EZ Streets" review ... TV Law (essay on "Law & Order" and "The Practice") ... Bill Cosby profile ... "Angst and Angels" (essay on "Millennium" and "Touched by an Angel") *coming this week* ... Tom Snyder profile ... "Tuning in to digital TV" (hyperlinked page-one feature) How to find my articles in the Star archive: (1) Go to . (2) Under the "Additional search criteria" heading, type Aaron Barnhart in the "AUTHOR" entry blank. (3) Click the Search button. Entire contents Copyright 1997 by Aaron Barnhart. All rights reserved. Distributed by e-mail and BBS to over 10,000 readers weekly. Late Show News is made possible with the generous assistance of ECHO, New York City's premiere online service. Send news for and comments about this newsletter to aaron@tvbarn.com