LATE SHOW NEWS #203 May 12, 1998 published May 14 by Aaron Barnhart To join or leave the LATE-SHOW-NEWS mailing list, instructions are at end of message. Where's the LATE SHOW NEWS? you may have been asking. Well, your faithful scribe has been hard at work writing a lot of something about the show allegedly about nothing. I just filed this review to my newspaper and it's highly unlikely the whole thing will see print. Space constraints, says the metro section -- funny, and I thought the newshole for "Seinfeld" hype was bottomless. Anyway, as your special treat for being a LSN reader, here is the full, unexpurgated, 75-minute review. We'll be back to normal, whatever the hell that is, next week. *** YA-DA, YA-DA YA-DA, HEY HEY, GOODBYE! by Aaron Barnhart Haven't we had this conversation before? You think? That's what the 30 million faithful fans of ``Seinfeld'' will be saying to each other this morning around the proverbial water cooler -- or coffee pot! Okay, coffee pot! Fine! Have it your way! -- as they discuss last night's extraordinary final episode of ``Seinfeld,'' one of the great show-enders in TV history. Drawing on his seven seasons as head writer, ``Seinfeld'' co-creator Larry David returned after a two-year absence to create an intense 75-minute finale that compressed no fewer than two dozen of the characters and storylines immortalized and, yes, discussed endlessly over the years. The episode was rewarding on several levels, just like a classic ``Seinfeld.'' There were inside and outside jokes alike, some to entertain curious newcomers who made up the majority of last night's viewing audience, and some that would only bring a belly laugh from a longtime fan. The show opened and closed with a standup routine, as did the ``Seinfelds'' of old. And with closure after nine seasons fast approaching, the action halted frequently for a discussion about George Costanza's shirt button or Elaine Benes' phone etiquette or Cosmo Kramer's ear condition -- exchanges about nothing that are a big reason ``Seinfeld'' will be suspended in time as one of TV's sitcom legends. But in perhaps his most brilliant stroke, David turned Jerry's last adventure into a trial, prophetically anticipating the weeks leading up to the final episode when the nation would put ``Seinfeld'' on trial and ask out loud if all the hype attending this TV show was itself criminal. The indifference to human suffering, the callous amusement at other people's troubles, the unbelievable self-centeredness that made ``Seinfeld'' so weirdly delightful -- all this went on trial last night. And it was guilty: guilty of being hilarious. The episode started right where it should've -- a call from NBC wanting to revive ``Jerry,'' the sitcom pilot Jerry and George produced in a memorable 1993 episode. NBC had passed on the pilot then, but there's a new guy at the helm now and he thinks ``Jerry'' will make the perfect ``water cooler show.'' After an aborted jet ride lands Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer in a small Massachusetts town, they're arrested for not helping out during a carjacking. They've violated the town's new ``Good Samaritan law,'' passed after the outrage of Princess Diana's death to punish the ``criminally indifferent.'' Cue Geraldo Rivera! During the trial, the prosecutor (played by James Rebhorn), eager to convict, spares no expense to fly in a Puerto-Rican parade-full of unlucky souls whose paths had crossed with the Seinfelders over the years. This nifty device allowed newcomers to see just what all the fuss about ``Seinfeld'' had been. It wasn't about a maid or any of the other lame story lines of recent episodes. It was about the bubble boy and the woman with the alleged breast implants and George Steinbrenner and the parents of George's ill-fated ex-fiancee. In several instances, the prosecutor gave the exact air date of the original ``Seinfeld'' episode in which the witness appeared. Among the many jokes ``Seinfeld'' diehards would appreciate: The name of the judge overseeing the trial was named Vandelay -- same as the alias George Costanza would use whenever he wanted to hide his identity. And Jerry's mom (played by Liz Sheridan) packed a suitcase full of breakfast cereal, her son's favorite food, off to jail. The show's least shining moment undoubtedly was the presence of a Johnnie Cochran mimic (played by Phil Morris) as the foursome's defense lawyer, who rolled his eyes like some ancient minstrel and in general made it clear why ``Seinfeld'' has never appealed much to African-American viewers. Knowing that the ``Seinfeld'' finale would be defiantly devoid of sentiment, NBC assembled a 45-minute ``clip show'' of highlights aimed at the softies who truly will miss seeing the four co-stars in new adventures. Taking a page from Tim Allen -- whose ``Home Improvement'' ran ``Seinfeld'' off of Wednesday nights five years ago -- the ``clip show'' ended with several minutes of raucous outtakes from earlier episodes. NBC Entertainment chief Warren Littlefield, one of the people instrumental in keeping ``Seinfeld'' on the air during its early years on the network, made a cameo appearance in the finale, seated at a table in the back of the famed diner where Jerry and company liked to huddle. Among the sponsors who paid $1.5 million or more for 30 seconds of ad time, several took the occasion to salute ``Seinfeld.'' Dave Thomas invited Seinfeld to stop by Wendy's after the show, and Richard Dreyfuss narrated a blowhard ad for Apple that attempted to equate ``Seinfeld'' with Einstein's discoveries. Hey Apple: Get out! *** Tom Heald's THIS NIGHT IN HISTORY tomalhe@aol.com We 5/13: In 1994, on "Late Show with David Letterman" in Los Angeles, Johnny Carson delivers Letterman the blue card containing the night's Top Ten list, and Letterman and Zsa Zsa Gabor drive around town eating fast food from KFC, where Gabor gets her own name tag to the famed In & Out Burger. Th 5/14: In 1968, John Lennon and Paul McCartney join Tallulah Bankhead on the surrealistic panel of the "Tonight Show" with guest host Joe Garagiola. Fr 5/15: In 1981, "Second City TV" moves from syndication to NBC expanding from 30 minutes to 90 under the new name "S.C.T.V. Network 90." Sa 5/16: Andrew Dice Clay guests on the Arsenio Hall show a second time. To help defuse the situation, Hall throws out his monologue and instead hosts a Donahue-style audience exchange giving Queer Nation members, ACT UP members, and "Dice" fans a chance to air their views. Su 5/17: In 1980, Paul and Linda McCartney pop up on "Saturday Night Live," guest hosted for the eighth time by Steve Martin. Mo 5/18: In 1951, Denny Dillon is born. You may remember Dillon from the 1980-1981 season of "Saturday Night Live" or as the woman Roseanne called "that troll-like creature they have playing me" in one of the dueling Roseanne TV-movies. But you can catch her these days on Comedy Central as Martin Tupper's secretary Toby in reruns of HBO's late night sitcom "Dream On." Tu 5/19: In 1990, Toonces, the Driving Cat, abducts and impersonates Candice Bergen's gifted driving cat Spunky, in the episode which also marked Jon Lovitz's last appearance as a cast member of "Saturday Night Live." [Thanks to David Tanny, & Frank Serpas III, Special thanks to Donz5, who's "just come home from the war."] Comments, praise, scorn? Send it Tom Heald's way at THE LINEUPS with Sue Trowbridge (http://www.interbridge.com/) LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS Th 5/14 Tara Lipinski, Foo Fighters Fr 5/15 Richard Simmons, Beau Jocque and the Zydeco Hi-Rollers Mo 5/18 Matthew Broderick, Mae Whitman, Natalie Merchant Tu 5/19 Sandra Bullock, Jeff Foxworthy We 5/20 Drew Carey, Scarlett Johannson, Soul Asylum Th 5/21 Ted Danson, basketball kid Chase Futrell, the Flatlanders Fr 5/22 Harry Connick Jr., Hank Azaria, Arj Barker THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC Th 5/14 Jerry Seinfeld, mystery guest, Brandy Fr 5/15 Brooke Shields, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Michael T. Weiss Mo 5/18 Joan Embery and San Diego Zoo animals Tu 5/19 Cher, Bob Costas, Dave Matthews Band We 5/20 Lisa Kudrow, Chicago kids show and tell Th 5/21 Bill Paxton, Carmen Electra, FastBall Fr 5/22 Matthew Broderick, Christina Ricci, Bjork LATE LATE SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER, CBS Th 5/14 Don Rickles Fr 5/15 1998 Clio Award-winning commercials Mo 5/18 TBA Tu 5/19 David Brenner, John Irving We 5/20 Joanna Kerns Th 5/21 Gwen Davis LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC Th 5/14 Patrick Warburton, Dave Attell Fr 5/15 Maria Patillo Mo 5/18 Billy Zane, Jason Priestley, Hepcat (R 2/20/98) Tu 5/19 Scott Thompson, Vicki Lewis, Link Wray We 5/20 Fabio, The Deftones Th 5/21 Matthew Broderick, Emeril Lagasse LATER, NBC Th 5/14 Rita Sever with Jonny Moseley and Eric Bergoust CHARLIE ROSE, PBS Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative Th 5/14 Richard Branson, Bill Baker Fr 5/15 Ben Gazzara, Iris Chang, Robert Pinsky Mo 5/18 Cokie Roberts, Jewel Tu 5/19 TBA We 5/20 Forest Whitaker, Reynolds Price Th 5/21 Richard Price POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC Th 5/14 Richard Lewis, Kennedy, Dennis Prager, Ron Reagan Fr 5/15 Daryl "Chill" Mitchell, Peter Coyote, Georgette Mosbacher, Trace Mosbacher (R 4/21/98) Mo 5/18 Morgan Fairchild, Michael Kinsley, Rep. Matt Salmon, Florence Henderson Tu 5/19 William Schulz, Elayne Boosler, Armstrong Williams We 5/20 Alan Simpson Th 5/21 Clive Barker, Leeza Gibbons, Tony Shalhoub, Jay Severin Fr 5/22 Scott Thompson, Stephen Collins, Pat Matrisciana VIBE TV, syndicated Th 5/14 Cheech Marin, Richard Branson, George Wallace Fr 5/15 Boyz II Men, Michael T. Weiss, Aries Spears, Gretchen Palmer Mo 5/18 Maria Conchita Alonso, Cappadonna Tu 5/19 Craig Robinson THE DAILY SHOW, Comedy Central (lineups not available) DENNIS MILLER LIVE, HBO Fr 5/15 Arianna Huffington on Republicans Fr 5/22 No show Fr 5/29 Matthew Broderick SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST, Cartoon Network Fr 5/15 Peter Fonda and Buzz Aldrin (R) Judy Tenuta, Timothy Leary and Ashley Judd Fr 5/22 Bill Mumy and Mark Hamill (R) Joe Franklin and "The Late Shift's" Bill Carter (R) HOWARD STERN, E! Here are lineups for all three "Howard Stern" airings at 11 and 11:30 p.m. and 2 a.m. Eastern time. Saturday the show only airs during the 11 o'clock hour. DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1 Also on late nights: NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC CHARLES GRODIN, CNBC MAD TV, Fox SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC (this season) and Comedy Central (classics) THE RUPAUL SHOW, VH1 LOVELINE, MTV UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS NIGHTSIDE, NBC (going away soon) DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1 Entire contents Copyright 1998 by Aaron Barnhart. All rights reserved. LATE SHOW NEWS is made possible with the generous assistance of ECHO, New York City's premiere online service. http://www.echonyc.com Send news for and comments about this newsletter to aaron@tvbarn.com