LATE SHOW NEWS #172 September 30, 1997 by Aaron Barnhart NOTE: This issue is rated TV-MA for, what else, Marv Albert. *** Well, let's drop this one in the ocean and see when it washes up on your shore, shall we? I apologize for the recent delays in the deliveries of LATE SHOW NEWS -- last week's first send didn't arrive in people's mailboxes until Thursday night, two and a half days after it went out, and 36 hours after the *second* send had gone out. I feel like our usually trusty listserver has turned into an insane dumbwaiter that sends its contents hurtling randomly through miles of pneumatic tubing and god only knows when they'll get delivered to the correct locations. Please bear with. *** Here in the heartland, I've been pleased to see that my hometown newspaper (and my employer), The Kansas City Star, is putting the Marv Albert story right where it belongs -- on the sports pages. After all, unless you're into sports, or caught his blooper reels and other cameo appearances over the past 15 years of the Letterman show, chances are you don't even recognize the voice or the toupee of Albert, who until this weekend was the versatile play-by-play announcer for NBC Sports and the Madison Square Garden network. But try telling that to the geniuses who unceremoniously shoved aside worthier news stories to make room for the Marv Albert trial on their front pages and at the top of their reports. And try telling that to the idiot who compiled the following statistics for a leading newsmagazine this week: "Number of Marv Albert jokes Jay Leno has told during the Albert trial: 43. "Number of Marv Albert jokes David Letterman has told during the Albert trial: 0. "Estimated number of appearances Marv Albert has made on Late Show: 100." The sheer smugness of the above trio of numbers is breathtaking. What is the writer here trying to tell us? That a conflict of interest is preventing Letterman from doing his job? That Leno understands the true nature of the late-night monologue, and Letterman doesn't? That no self-respecting comedian steps out on stage this week without a case of Marv Albertisms bulging from his holster? In the first place, the writer has obviously not been paying attention to the "Late Show" in recent weeks, which has been steering away from political jokes in the monologue and toward the kind of humor that used to be a staple of Letterman's opening remarks. Weather jokes. New York City jokes. Secondly, there's the assumption, widely shared but wrong, that Jay Leno is the king of the late-night monologues and therefore the arbiter of what's funny in the world. The king of late-night monologues, so far as I'm concerned, is Bill Maher. Here, courtesy of the "Politically Incorrect" web site at , is the opener to last Friday's show, following the revelations at the Marv Albert trial the day before: "Well, ladies and gentlemen, were you watching the big historic events in Little Rock, Arkansas yesterday? I figured you were. [Laughter] Well, that's why I'm here, to tell you about them. This was a great moment. President Clinton went back to his home state, because 40 years ago they integrated Little Rock High School. ... He says he vividly remembers the whole scene and how it affected his view of racial relations. And I think that's great. Not the racial aspect so much. Just that he still has some things he says he remembers." Maher isn't a volume dealer; he doesn't spend 14 minutes telling the same 13 jokes; and he isn't buoyed on the tide of manufactured applause. Then there's the subtlety thing. Consider those 43 Marv Albert punchlines told by Leno, then compare them to this single joke Maher told at the end of his Friday monologue: "The Marv Albert thing ... You know -- it's not the fact that he was a kinky sex-meister. We all have our peccadilloes. But -- [Laughter] no, but really -- but -- it's the dishonesty. For months he said he was innocent. And then suddenly yesterday he says he's guilty. And now today it comes out, even his bra is padded." It's disconcerting to think there are graduates of J-schools toiling away at high-circulation magazines who think late-night t.v. programs should reflect the news industry's tastes and vice versa. The "Tonight Show" isn't a news program, no matter how many topical jokes Leno may tell. Neither is "PI," nor is "Late Show." Ask yourself: Would Johnny Carson tell 43 jokes about Marv Albert? (Would he tell four?) Letterman is partly to blame for this blast of bad p.r.; he should never have gotten into a competition with Leno over who could tell the most O.J. jokes. He's *still* telling ugly Janet Reno jokes and horny Bill Clinton jokes. Monday night's "Late Show," with a Paul Shaffer musical number about pastries that look like celebrities and a special Emmys report (a little late, I might add) from staffer Bob Borden, proved to anyone still watching that Dave doesn't have to tell *any* topical jokes to get big laughs on his show. But it's more than that, of course. Dave Letterman is a broadcaster and a sports fiend who has looked up to Albert all of his professional life. He wrote the introduction to Albert's autobiography. Something is keeping Dave from jabbing needles through Marv's back besides self-interest. It's called respect. And his silence on Marv's misbehavior isn't cowardice, it's common decency. *** Now that I've been durable enough, tenacious enough, *desperate* enough to keep up this newsletter for three and a half years, I thought I might introduce a new segment along the lines of "75 Years Ago in THE NEW REPUBLIC." Only mine would be called "2 Years Ago in LATE SHOW NEWS," or something like that. So I'm scanning the October 1, 1996 issue, looking for items that might strike us all as being poignant or amusing from the vantage point of a year later, when I read: "It's that time of year again, when Lorne Michaels puts on his snake-oil salesman act, trying to convince the public once again that 'SNL' is a worthy investment of post-teenage viewers' time. ... Changes were announced, but the only one worth mentioning is that ex-Conan head writer Robert Smigel will do a weekly cartoon segment on the show." Perfect -- that's exactly how I'd describe "SNL" following this weekend's dismal season premiere. In the 45 minutes I watched before cutting myself adrift I saw exactly three sequences that got me to laugh even once: a commercial parody that emulated virtually every good parody "SNL" has done in the past 20 years; a sketch in which car-crash victim Norm MacDonald frustrates his rescuer, Sylvester Stallone, by remembering all the terrible movies Sly's made over the years; and Smigel's insanely good cartoon. The first two were formulaic -- and normally I don't tune in to any t.v. show to watch formula. Only Smigel is doing something that looks and feels *original* on this show. It's funny. People tune in to Letterman and Leno for formulaic comedy. But "SNL's" paint-by-numbers approach seems less interesting, more patronizing, than those of the live-on-tape talk shows. It would be something to ponder -- if I felt like pondering it. *** Sue Trowbridge notes that Jay Leno has played himself eight times as host of the "Tonight Show" in the movies -- and will add a ninth later this year. Never one to miss a promotional opportunity, Leno appears in "In & Out," "Contact," the upcoming "Mad City," "Meet Wally Sparks," "The Birdcage," "The Flintstones," "Wayne's World 2" and of course, "Dave" ... Ironically, Jay's forgettable movie career -- five theatricals prior to the "Tonight" gig -- has come alive since he shifted to full-time t.v. work; many of the films he does now are box-office hits ... Reader Luke Vander Linden wondered why Letterman didn't have higher viewership last Tuesday, when his show experienced a ratings boost from CBS's "Brooklyn South." Letterman's overnight rating went to a 4.3 or an 11% share of the audience -- better than usual, but nowhere near that of competing "Monday Night Football" or "Tonight." In New York, "Brooklyn South's" 20.7 rating and 30 share wasn't enough to save Dave from being beaten by Leno, WPIX's hour of "Frasier"/"Cheers" repeats, and the "MNF"/ WABC news tandem. The short answer, of course, is one LATE SHOW NEWS has given before: lead-ins alone won't be enough to reverse two-plus years of ratings lag. But the more complicated answer is that we aren't seeing the full ratings picture here. Demographics have something to do with Leno's ability to retain, even build on, his lead-in. Letterman's show remains at odds with CBS's older-skewing audience; until CBS's audience changes, he can hardly expected to retain the fans of "Michael Hayes" or even "Nash Bridges." By contrast, look at Leno; he's the ideal finisher to an evening of NBC sitcoms, n'est ce pas? ... Robert Morton's show "Over the Top" was supposed to premiere tonight on ABC; instead, the network hastily pushed it to Oct. 21 (more time, one guesses, to rework the pilot) ... They're still calling Morty the "boyfriend" of ABC Entertainment chief Jamie Tarses; I thought the two called it quits earlier this summer ... as if you, or I, care ... Speaking of who cares, Margaret Ray was arrested again -- now she's stalking former astronaut Story Musgrave ... The "Late Show With David Letterman -- Broadway Cares Flea Market" for charity once again cleaned up. About $5,000 was made selling off old show items, including rehearsal jackets signed by the man himself ... And reader John Carney happened upon Johnny Carson's 21st anniversary show tonight, which aired weekend before last on the Family Channel. "Twenty-one years," said Carson in the monologue. "With good behavior, I could be out of here in another eight years." That was just about right; Johnny retired toward the end of his 30th season on NBC. *** Tom Heald's THIS NIGHT IN HISTORY (special Mighty Carson Arts Players edition) Exclusive to LATE SHOW NEWS Tu 9/30: In 1989, In a TV Guide interview, Arsenio(ooooo) Hall denies widespread rumors that he and heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson are lovers. We 10/1: In 1962, Groucho Marx introduces the new host of "The Tonight Show," a young man who happens to be celebrating his wedding anniversary, Johnny Carson. Carson's first guests? Rudy Vallee, Tony Bennett, Mel Brooks, and Joan Crawford. Coincidentally, another talk show starts this day on the dayshift, "The Merv Griffin Show." Th 10/2: In 1982, on "Saturday Night Live" in "Mister Robinson's Neighborhood," Mr. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) shows the children his mastery of percussion, but annoys his new neighbor Mr. T, who has his own lesson for the viewing audience. "Hello, boys and girls, the new word for the day is 'pain.'" Fr 10/3: In 1992, in one of "Saturday Night Live's" truly shocking live moments, Sinead O'Connor tears up a picture of the Pope John Paul II while saying "fight the real enemy". NBC receives 4,484 complaints. As of last week, O'Connor has asked the Pope for his forgiveness. Sa 10/4: In 1952, "Ladies and gentlemen, the program you are about to see is true, only the jokes have been changed to protect the station ... KNXT, in cooperation with the Itinerant Yam Pickers of southern California, cautiously presents... Carson's Cellar," a half-hour low-budget sketch comedy show, which soon leads to a writing job for young Johnny Carson on the Red Skelton show. Su 10/5: In 1991, Johnny Carson decides to cancel his retirement... although it's actually Carson impersonator Dana Carvey on "Saturday Night Live." Mo 10/6: In 1949, Sid McGinnis is born in Pittsburgh, PA. McGuiness joined "Late Night with David Letterman" back in 1984 as "guest guitarist of the week" and has remained as a permanent guitarist ever since. He currently lives and rebuilds his guitars north of New York City. [Thanks to Dave Tanny, MarilynSar, Frank Serpas III, Mike Cader, and the technicians at "Saturday Night Live," for speeding up the theme to half speed... yet making the opening credits seem even longer. Special thanks to Donz5 - the freshmaker!] Join Tom Heald each Wednesday night from 11PM-1AM, ET in Late Show Online's chatroom on America Online (Keyword : Late Show) and find out why Letterman's writers are amused with him... it ain't just his looks! THE LINEUPS with Sue Trowbridge LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS Tu 9/30 Michael J. Fox, Wonderbra model Sarah O'Hare, Patti Smith We 10/1 Cameron Diaz, Adam Arkin, performance artist Veniamin Th 10/2 Matt Lauer, Emily Mae Young, Sheryl Crow Fr 10/3 Elle Macpherson, Jon Tenney, Elvis Costello & the Fairfield Four Mo 10/6 Jack Hanna, Boyz II Men Tu 10/7 Bryant Gumbel, Harland Williams, Everclear We 10/8 John Lithgow, Christy Turlington, Foo Fighters Th 10/9 Jim Belushi, Christina Ricci, Oasis Fr 10/10 Anthony Hopkins, Mark Wahlberg, Mitch Fatel THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC Tu 9/30 David Schwimmer, Ashley Judd, Mary J. Blige We 10/1 David Caruso, Janeane Garofalo Th 10/2 Anthony Edwards, Wynonna Fr 10/3 David Duchovny, Julianne Moore, pig races Mo 10/6 Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Richard Lewis, Sarah McLachlan Tu 10/7 Whoopi Goldberg, Mark Harmon, Marcus Allen We 10/8 Rob Schneider, Tori Spelling, The Artist Formerly known as Prince Th 10/9 Chris Rock, Duran Duran LATE LATE SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER, CBS Tu 9/30 Drew Carey, John Katzenbach We 10/1 Kristen Johnston Th 10/2 John Larroquette, Jim McMahon Fr 10/3 David Crosby and his son, James Raymond Mo 10/6 Oliver Stone Tu 10/7 TBA We 10/8 Whoopi Goldberg, Art Donovan Th 10/9 TBA Fr 10/10 Robert Urich Mo 10/13 Tom Bodett LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC Tu 9/30 Fran Drescher, Paul Rodriguez, Nikki Cox We 10/1 Jon Lovitz, Kate Capshaw, Our Lady Peace Th 10/2 TBA Fr 10/3 TBA Mo 10/6 Dennis Franz, Scott Thompson, Rebecca Lobo (R 7/29/97) LATER, NBC Tu 9/30 D.L. Hughley with Cedric the Entertainer We 10/1 D.L. Hughley with Michael Beach Th 10/2 D.L. Hughley with Coolio POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC Tu 9/30 Drew Carey, Lynn Sherr, Jane Chastain, Frances Fisher We 10/1 Chuck D, Lionel Chetwynd, Robert Townsend Th 10/2 Michael Moore, Paul Hogan, Lisa Rinna, Lella Bate Fr 10/3 Joey Lawrence, Deepak Chopra, Ben Stiller, Susan Carpenter McMillan DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1 Di 30/9 Sissi Perlinger, Sabine Sauer Mi 1/10 Veronica Ferres, Richy Mueller Do 2/10 Herbert Knebel, Bluemchen, Michael Schanze Lineups not available (so don't blame us) for: SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST, Cartoon Network CHARLIE ROSE, PBS HOWARD STERN, E! Also on late nights: NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC CHARLES GRODIN, CNBC CARSON'S COMEDY CLASSICS, Family Channel MAD TV, Fox SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC (this season) and Comedy Central (classics) THE RUPAUL SHOW, VH1 LOVELINE and ODDVILLE MTV, MTV UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS NIGHTSIDE, NBC VIBE TV and KEENEN IVORY WAYANS, Syndicated Entire contents Copyright 1997 by Aaron Barnhart. All rights reserved. Distributed by e-mail and BBS to over 10,000 readers weekly. Guest lineups are updated throughout the week by Sue Trowbridge at LATE SHOW NEWS is made possible with the generous assistance of ECHO, New York City's premiere online service. Send news for and comments about this newsletter to aaron@tvbarn.com