LATE SHOW NEWS #173 October 7 & 14, 1997 by Aaron Barnhart NOTE: This issue is rated J. I'm going to be on the road quite a bit this month, so I'm taking off a week to conserve mental energy. When LATE SHOW NEWS returns Oct. 21, it will originate from New York City, the town so nice, they kicked out "Dice." *** So Jay Leno called on Monday, out of the blue, to take issue with a reference in last week's LATE SHOW NEWS to him. "There's the assumption," I wrote, "that Jay Leno is the king of the late-night monologues and therefore the arbiter of what's funny in the world." I was noting the fact that Time magazine seemed to be passing judgment on Dave Letterman for not telling jokes about his old friend Marv Albert, in contrast to Jay Leno, who had, 43 jokes in fact. What peeves Leno more than anything, according to him, is the appearance of the words "Leno" and "king of late night" in the same sentence. "I dunno," he said (as only Jay Leno can say those two words). "I think that title kind of went out with Johnny." It's true, Leno conceded, that NBC has promoted him as number one in late night. But whenever he performs his standup -- which is more often than you'd think -- he said he likes to be introduced simply as "the host of 'The Tonight Show,'" not the "king" of the monologues. In fact, he doesn't even like to be billed as "comedian Jay Leno," on the theory that, as Leno said, "If I'm a comedian, the audience will let me know." Leno had more to say to me, but you'll have to read it on Thursday in The Kansas City Star (see below for directions to the Web site), or wait till the issue of LSN. Yes, I'm *cross-promoting*, a practice still legal in most states ... Add this one to your vintage Dave collection: "The Gong Show" is back! Yes, the classic amateur program hosted by Chuck Barris from 1976-1980 will air repeats beginning next Monday on the Game Show Network. (By the way, does anyone know how to REACH Barris? According to the p.r. agency representing the network, he is gone, unreachable, out of the area code, somewhere off the coast of France, enjoying a well-deserved retirement. But I'd love to talk to the man.) And guess who was a celebrity judge on one show taped in '76? None other than Dave, introduced as "a fine comedian (!) who's star of a brand new series this summer called 'The Starland Vocal Band.'" Not surprisingly, Dave has some of the funniest and least corny ad libs of the show. Also not surprisingly, no one in the studio audience laughs at them ... Guess who's the latest late-night host to join the renewed- through-2001 club? It's die one, die only Harald Schmidt! Apparently he's bigger than we thought. And it's a sweet deal SAT.1 signed him to: Beginning next August, Schmidt's production company gets ownership of the show, and Harald will work fewer shows for more money, says a source at the show ... Elsewhere from the Continent, Gert-Jan Kramer writes, "The latest Dutch late show, 'Peter-Jan Rens Late Night,' which has been on the air for some weeks now, is so unbelievably bad that a number of critics have called it one of the worst programmes on Dutch television ever. It's a hodgepodge of unfunny clips, boring conversations and a host who's full of himself and his show and above all can't handle the talk show format. I'm telling you, he's so awful I'm even thinking of watching Jay Leno once in a while. NOT! Rens is now the laughingstock of television land. Colleagues introduced a new verb - to peterjanrens -- which means to dig your own grave. ... Funny though, when Letterman was still on RTL5 there were about 80,000 people watching, while Rens ... still hauls in about 280,000 viewers" ... Almost live, as they used to say on "The Gong Show," here comes a trio of as-heard-on-TV CDs featuring late night musical guests. Today, Mercury Records releases "Live from 6A: Great Musical Performances from 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien,'" billed as "the first compilation of its kind," but not for long. On the heels of that CD, "Live on Letterman: Music from the 'Late Show'" arrives on Reprise Nov. 18. And "Vibe" has been recording its musical guests each night; a CD should be forthcoming from that show as well. *** Reader mail: RossLJr@aol.com writes, "Is it just me or can you name the sketch before it happens on 'SNL'? The format is locked, just plug in the guest host. "Cold Opening Monologue Commercial Parody Mary Catherine Gallagher Roxbury Guys A Sketch where host plays him/herself Robert Smigel cartoon Weekend Update The Musical Guest The Cheerleaders Goat Boy/Mr. Peepers The Joe Pesci Show The Musical Guest again Random lame sketch Goodbyes "How far off am I?" Vern Morrison adds, "You really threw me for a loop with your high praise for the latest Robert Smigel cartoon. The cartoons are usually far and away the best part of any given 'SNL' episode, but the one last week, wherein Bogart and Bergman farted their way through a scene from Casablanca, left me cold. I dig a good fart joke as much as the next guy -- 'Blazing Saddles' is one of my favorite movies ever -- but I found Smigel's take on things to be uninspired." And Tom Snee adds, "You did miss one funny sketch by tuning out early, where Stallone hosts a cable TV show from his basement to unload his adult, unmarried and unmarriable daughters (Cheri Oteri's character had hair on her chest, for instance). ... It reminded me of the season premiere show with the new cast and writing crew two years ago, with good ideas and potentially funny concepts that go absolutely nowhere in the writing and die a painful, embarrassing, silent and unfunny death. I was willing to forgive them for it two years ago, when they were new and nervous and still trying to gel, but c'mon guys, it's been two years. You should have it down by now, especially considering you've had a whole summer to come up with material" ... And on our other big subject, Scott Barvian writes, "Would someone tell me what-in-the-name-of-Jimmy-the-Greek has happened to any decency on the part of NBC and the 'Tonight Show'? Right in the middle of tonight's ballgame on NBC, we were treated to a 'Tonight' promo promising a glimpse of "what Marv Albert's up to" and showing a Marv-alike chewing on the side of someone's head. I know they fired him and all, but why turn around and use it for comedy (if you can call it that) right away? And right in the middle of a sports broadcast? Sheesh." Roger Ebert questioned whether, as Time magazine claimed, Marv had made 100 appearance on Letterman's show. To clarify: most of Marv's appearances were on the old NBC show (57, most of any "Late Night"). And if you count all of those cameo appearances -- Marv in the tub, cutaway to Marv saying "Yes!" etc. -- the total, perhaps we should say *final,* tally is well over 100 ... Speaking of which, Kapwin@aol.com adds, "I agree with you that Letterman's lack of Marv Albert jokes might reflect common decency, if examined in a vacuum. But the staple of Letterman's monologues (and banter) remain: Bill Clinton is fat, Bill Clinton is a philanderer, Janet Reno is ugly. Before you praise Letterman for steering clear of Albert jokes, remember how much mileage he got (and continues to get) out of Frank Gifford's fling. If Letterman's motivation for keeping quiet on Marv was decency, he wouldn't have savaged the Giffords the way he has. And Kathie Lee used to be a frequent 'Late Show' guest." And Clyde Renko adds, "Having seen more Jimmie Walker appearances on the Letterman show in the past decade than on all other programs combined, I have a genuine appreciation for Dave's sense of loyalty and common decency. (Walker helped Letterman early in his career.) But the Marv-free monologue zone is clearly a crystal example of a double standard. Unless the respectful 'sports fiend' Letterman considers all announcers' private sexual activity off-limits; isn't that so, Mr. Gifford?" And this from Dmitri Melendez: "I give David Letterman a few weeks ... I remember how he said he would not do O.J. jokes then bang, open season. Give him a few weeks, he won't let me down. YESSS!!!" *** Tom Heald's THIS NIGHT IN HISTORY Exclusive to LATE SHOW NEWS Tu 10/7: In 1978, in a classic "Saturday Night Live" moment, Todd DiLaMuca & Lisa Loopner (Bill Murray and Gilda Radner) crack up upon seeing refrigerator repairman Dan Aykroyd's low-hanging pants. We 10/8: In 1943, Cornelius Crane Chase is born. He's Chevy Chase ... and you're not! Oddly enough, there's a painting up in Chase's attic that keeps getting funnier each year. Th 10/9: "And now...heeeeeeeeerrrree's the Doctor!" Coming out of the "Tonight Show" orchestra to become musical director of "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson," Doc Severinsen replaces Skitch Henderson on this night in 1967. These days Doc continues to play with various symphony orchestras and owns a custom trumpet company in the San Francisco Bay Area. Fr 10/10: In 1996, a five-alarm electrical fire breaks out at NBC headquarters in New York City in the early morning, causing 11 minor injuries, disrupting local programming and threatening to damage the separate studios where Conan O'Brien, Rosie O'Donnell, and "Saturday Night Live" hold their shows. On this night, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" broadcasts a special "fire show" from the skating rink right outside of their Rockefeller Center building, with a heated massage chair (procured from a neighboring Brookstone) for guest Samuel L. Jackson, and in lieu of a promotional clip, O'Brien illustrates Jackson's new movie using a flip-book. Sa 10/11: In 1975, "LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, It's.... SATURDAY NIGHT!" What better way to kick off your very first show, than with John Belushi making wolverine noises and George Carlin upsetting the network executives -- by wearing a t-shirt! And Andy Kaufman lip-synching the "Mighty Mouse" theme song, the Muppets, an Albert Brooks film, five fake commercials, not one but two musical guests (Janis Ian, Billy Preston), and the sketch that NBC demands never be repeated - "Bee Hospital." Su 10/12: In 1996, "The RuPaul Show" starring my mother's favorite seven-foot-tall drag queen premieres on VH-1 with guest Dennis Rodman. Mo 10/13: Marshall Sylver, the "World's Fastest Hypnotist," was "hyp-mo-tizing" Letterman's audience and staff members *long* before the April 1996 mishap with stage manager Biff Henderson. On this night in 1986, Marshall Sylver returns to "Late Night with David Letterman," having failed to hyp-mo-tize anyone two weeks earlier. [Thanks to Dave Tanny, Damone, Frank Serpas III, Mike Cader, and Politically Incorrect for letting Joey Lawrence and Ben Stiller twiddle their thumbs last Friday night. Special thanks to Donz5 - the human slinky.] Give Tom Heald grief at . THE LINEUPS with Sue Trowbridge LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS Tu 10/7 Bryant Gumbel, Harland Williams, Everclear We 10/8 John Lithgow, Christy Turlington, Foo Fighters Th 10/9 Jim Belushi, Christina Ricci, Oasis Fr 10/10 Mark Wahlberg, Mitch Fatel Mo 10/13 David Duchovny, Yancy Butler, Todd Barry Tu 10/14 Uma Thurman, master regurgitator Stevie Starr, Green Day We 10/15 Nathan Lane, Charlize Theron, Carly Simon Th 10/16 Mike Wallace, Christine Lahti, LL Cool J Fr 10/17 Harmony Korine, Smash Mouth THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC Tu 10/7 Whoopi Goldberg, Mark Harmon, Marcus Allen We 10/8 Rob Schneider, Tori Spelling, The Artist Formerly known as Prince Th 10/9 Chris Rock, Duran Duran Fr 10/10 Alexandra Wentworth Mo 10/13 Goldie Hawn, Brett Favre, Bryan White Tu 10/14 Sigourney Weaver, Jennifer Love Hewitt We 10/15 Jennifer Jason Leigh, Paul Sorvino, Aerosmith Th 10/16 Keanu Reeves, Rowan Atkinson, Aaron Neville LATE LATE SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER, CBS Tu 10/7 LL Cool J We 10/8 Whoopi Goldberg, Art Donovan Th 10/9 TBA Fr 10/10 Robert Urich Mo 10/13 Tom Bodett Tu 10/14 TBA We 10/15 Joan Collins LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC Tu 10/7 Big Sandy & His Fly-Rite Boys We 10/8 Paul Reiser, Janeane Garofalo, Steve Winwood Th 10/9 John Lithgow, Penelope Ann Miller, Paul Tompkins Fr 10/10 John Larroquette Mo 10/13 Martin Sheen, Judith Martin, Curtis Salgado with Steve Miller (R 7/30/97) Tu 10/14 David Duchovny, Sam Donaldson & Cokie Roberts We 10/15 Penn & Teller, Jill Hennessy, Powerman 5000 LATER, NBC Tu 10/7 Cory Miller with Garcelle Beauvais We 10/8 Cory Miller with Natalie Besselle Th 10/9 Cory Miller with LL Cool J CHARLIE ROSE, PBS Tu 10/7 Jean-Jacques Annaud, Richard Branson We 10/8 Mike Krzyzewski, Joe Eszterhas Th 10/9 Carl Reiner & Mel Brooks, Vera Wang, Mark Wahlberg Fr 10/10 Nat Hentoff, Janeane Garofalo Mo 10/13 Parker Posey, Carolina Herrera, Doris Kearns Goodwin Tu 10/14 Panel On "Where Have You Gone Joe Dimaggio?"; Ang Lee We 10/15 Twyla Tharp, R. Michael Mondavi Th 10/16 "Everest" Panel, Patti Smith, Jim Hoge Fr 10/17 TBA Mo 10/21 TBA Tu 10/22 Stansfield Turner We 10/22 Caleb Carr, Stephen Jay Gould Th 10/23 Anne Rice Fr 10/24 TBA Mo 10/27 Joseph H. Nye Jr. Tu 10/28 Tommy Tune We 10/29 Johnny Cash Th 10/30 TBA Fr 10/31 TBA Mo 11/3 David Mamet, David Shipler Tu 11/4 Ken Burns [whew!] POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC Tu 10/7 Tony Danza, Kitty Kelley, Travis Tritt, Ben Stein We 10/8 Larry Dossey, Rhonda Shear, Laura Innes, Michael Shermer Th 10/9 Dr. William Schulz, Elizabeth Perkins, Ken Osmond Fr 10/10 Chris Rock, Parker Posey, Kellyanne Fitzpatrick VIBE TV, syndicated Mo 10/6 Tony Danza, Jeremy Suarez, Toad The Wet Sprocket Tu 10/7 Fred Savage, Cedric the Entertainer, K-Ci and Jo Jo We 10/8 Garcelle Beauvais, Mary J. Blige Th 10/9 Heather Paige Kent, Tonic Fr 10/10 Rolanda Watts, James Brown THE DAILY SHOW, Comedy Central Tu 10/7 Harlin Williams We 10/8 Janeane Garofalo Th 10/9 Lucy Lawless SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST, Cartoon Network Fr 10/10 Ice T & Ernie C, Fred Willard Fr 10/17 Mike Judge, Harland Williams These shows simply don't have their act together this week, lineups-wise: HOWARD STERN, E! KEENEN IVORY WAYANS, Syndicated Also on late nights: NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC CHARLES GRODIN, CNBC CARSON'S COMEDY CLASSICS, Family Channel MAD TV, Fox SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC (this season) and Comedy Central (classics) THE RUPAUL SHOW, VH1 LOVELINE and ODDVILLE MTV, MTV UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS NIGHTSIDE, NBC Entire contents Copyright 1997 by Aaron Barnhart. All rights reserved. Distributed by e-mail and BBS to over 10,000 readers weekly. Guest lineups are updated throughout the week by Sue Trowbridge at LATE SHOW NEWS is made possible with the generous assistance of ECHO, New York City's premiere online service. Send news for and comments about this newsletter to aaron@tvbarn.com