LATE SHOW NEWS #183 December 16, 1997 by Aaron Barnhart No issue next week. See you December 30th. *** Comedy Central has suspended "The Daily Show's" host, Craig Kilborn, for a week resulting from comments he made in the new issue of Esquire magazine. Kilborn, whose sexual tension on camera with his head writer Lizz Winstead is always fun to watch, committed the age-old sin of thinking he could blab about it in print and the words would slide off the same way they do when he tosses them out in a TV studio. Kilborn's comment, "If I wanted her (Lizz) to blow me, she would," was apparently the one that put the network over the edge, according to Tuesday's New York Post. Kilborn won't host this week, the task being taken up by "Daily Show" correspondents (see the lineups), after which the show was scheduled to be "dark" until Jan. 5. In a shrink-wrapped statement Kilborn "said": "I want to apologize for my regrettable remarks in Esquire Magazine. And though my comments were said in jest and not intended for publication, I realize I have made a terrible mistake for which I am truly sorry." Kilborn went on to say that whenever he eats a rich, fatty dessert, the calories don't count because they're "off the record," and he sends a fake tax return to the IRS every year "just for laughs." *** Let's get the problems with "The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi: Dave Letterman, The College Years," Jeff Lewis's remembrances of his old fraternity buddy, out of the way first, since they will be obvious even to those who have only seen the book advertised on Lewis's web page . The artwork is hideous. To be sure, it's professional, done by a Lewis friend who is a former art director for Coca-Cola. But it is a very literal, irony-deficient form of illustration that flourished in the Eisenhower era but eventually became the object of parody. It's the kind of line art Letterman himself would have used mockingly in one of his desk bits back in the early '80s, before he began relying more on props and videotape. Second, anyone who's read fandom books about Letterman, most notoriously Bill Adler's "The Letterman Wit," is acquainted with the perils of trying to explain the jokes of someone who's smarter and savvier than the explainer. And while Lewis, who writes in the book's introduction that he spent more time with Letterman in the years 1965-1975 than anyone else, is certainly hep to all the jokes he retells here, he's still working at a twofold disadvantage in that (a) he's not Dave and (b) he's not doing late-night television. There's a reason Letterman's sensibility caught on at the midnight hour in New York and not on "Freeze Dried Movies" in Indianapolis in 1972. Read this book, and you'll understand better why. Yet ultimately I warmed to "The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi" because I agree with the argument Lewis gave for writing the book: "Dave is the first host of the boomer generation. It's a great story, but he's been very reluctant to tell people about his formative experiences" (LSN #179). And some of those formative experiences are still pretty funny. Lewis is not the most artful storyteller, but that's actually a good thing because we soon realize he's not going to embroider his memories beyond recognition (as Adler's book, for one, does). In this typical passage, Lewis recounts Letterman's and Michelle Cook's slapdash wedding ceremony before a judge in Muncie, Indiana: "(Judge) Dielkes proceeded to ask a series of questions from a form required by the State of Indiana for such occasions. One question he asked Dave was, 'Have you ever been married before?' "'Yeah,' Dave replied. 'Six times and all to gypsies.'" Lewis wasn't a witness to that ceremony, but he did interview Michelle for the book, and apparently saw the wedding photos (in one, Dave gives the camera the birdie). Lewis obviously also was aware of the trouble Letterman's quickie marriage would cause at home, and retells one frosty exchange between Michelle and Dave's mom Dorothy, adding, "His close relationship with his mother was yet in the future." Other chapters are even less flattering to Dave, like the recounting of the 1968 Ball State homecoming variety show, written and emceed by Dave, in which classmate Joyce DeWitt ("Three's Company," remember?) is given the kind of treatment that today would get Letterman suspended from "The Daily Show." Lewis apologizes for the political incorrectness of much of the book, but I find it fascinating, especially considering how Letterman would go on to ruin his marriage, long before he became famous, by continuing to treat women the way he did in college. And if the history of broadcasting is any guide, once Letterman's TV career is ended -- or possibly even before then -- there will be ex-staffers of his eager to speak for the record about what life was "really like" backstage with Letterman. Perhaps I'm the only person interested in the relationship between a broadcaster's professional dealings, his on-air personality and his private mores, but even at a distance it's apparent that Dave has some issues with women that were then perpetuated on his show. As those are hashed out by some future cultural critic, Lewis's book will be a valuable resource. On a less esoteric note, the book is laugh-out-loud funny at places, confirming Lewis's belief that the Dave we've seen on the tube for 17 years is essentially the guy Lewis knew for a decade beginning in college. Among the book's highlights: an incredible stunt Letterman masterminded as Sigma Chi pledge leader, and Dave's antics on "Freeze Dried Movies" which, from the descriptions in this book, were worthy of network television. All of which seemed to have escaped the notice or interest of Howard Stern, whose interview with Lewis last month turned into an ambush (as I was secretly afraid it would). I'm with the letter-writer who told Lewis it took a truckload of nerve for Robin Quivers to accuse someone else of hanging onto the coattails of a celebrity. But judge for yourself at . Unfortunately -- and this is true of a lot of small-press-run books these days -- "The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi," which weighs in at a little more than 100 pages, costs $21 including shipping and handling, and that will probably limit the number of people willing to take a chance on it. Order it from the Web page or 1-800-567-5314. *** Correction of the week: As even *I* knew, Charlie Rose moved his talk show out of WNET nearly two years ago and now originates from Bloomberg TV ... It's back to Chicago, or rather suburban Rosemont, for "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," May 4-8, 1998. The show did killer ratings last year during its Rosemont Theater tour. Send your *self-addressed stamped envelope,* NOT a postcard, by March 10 to this address: Tonight Show Tickets-Chicago NBC 3000 W. Alameda Ave. Burbank, CA 91523 ... Not only is Chris Rock glad he didn't agree to host either "Vibe" or the Disney talker that became "Keenen Ivory Wayans," he's happy to tell the Washington Post's Tom Shales: "There's a reason Jay's Number 1 ... It's just a vibe he gives off. I've done Letterman a couple of times. It's weird, man. Last time I was on Letterman, it did seem like he got a little angry midway through." By contrast, "I run my show like Jay runs his show. All the guests meet me way before. First thing I walk in, I greet my writers, go to everybody's office, make sure everybody's okay. You run a happy atmosphere, people feel like they're a part of something" ... Variety reports that Howie Mandel will launch his syndicated talk show next June 22 from Johnny Carson's old stomping grounds, the famed Studio 1 at the NBC compound in Burbank. (Leno moved over to Studio 3 in 1994.) *** Timely reader mail of the week: Anja Bennis writes, "I have three words to describe Craig Kilborn from the Daily Show: overgrown frat boy. I keep waiting for him to invite the audience back to his place for a keg of cheap beer while making fun of the dean's big ears." Or Joyce DeWitt's breasts ... Lisa Kemper writes, "I'm an old geezer (almost 40) and realize that this show is probably not aimed at my demographic, but I really force myself to yank my butt out of bed on Sunday by 9 a.m. to watch two reruns of 'The Daily Show.' But why can't Comedy Central show all four of the week's shows like they did with 'Politically Incorrect'? Watching two hours of 'PI' used to be a de rigueur Sunday morning activity" ... And Andy Ihnatko, who in case you were wondering was unceremoniously relieved of his terrific MacUser column following that monthly's capitula -- er, acquisition by Macworld, writes, "You and I are on opposite sides of the fence on this 'Daily Show' thing. I find most of its humor juvenile and mean-spirited. Either characteristic is fine in and of itself, but with both of them working together it makes 'The Daily Show' seem more and more like that kid everyone remembers from seventh grade who every morning would rush to The Cool Table at the cafeteria, desperate to be the first to report that one of the retarded kids had been singing a Carpenters song to herself in homeroom. In doing so, he does a far more effective job spreading the word about his own lameness than hers. "It's a very, very difficult thing to effectively put across. Michael Moore's 'TV Nation' was able to pull it off flawlessly, giving, say, a Love Canal real-estate agent all the space he needed to effectively mock _himself_. 'Daily Show'? They could cover a skinhead ice-dancing competition and still make you feel sorry for the gold-medal pairing of Adolf and Eva. As for Kilborn's desk monologue, on a really, really good day he approaches the skill and elan of, say, a Norm '"Anal Rape" Is Comedy Gold' MacDonald. He represents exactly the sort of smirky 'I am just too cool for this' attitude which always makes my skin crawl. "Still, it's good to see A. Whitney Brown -- who clearly _is_ too cool for this -- getting regular air. Please, Hollywood, let's try to line up some failed movie projects for Kilborn so AWB can be moved into the big chair, OK?" Relax, Andy. No need to drag L.A. into this when Kilborn is perfectly capable of taking himself off the air without ever leaving Manhattan ... Lisa Pugliese writes, "I saw the 'South Park' sketch on Jay Leno. I think that Jay _is_ trying to persuade the 'South Park' audience to watch his show. I'm 14 and the only reason I watched 'The Tonight Show' that night was because of the sketch. Not to offend anyone, I thought it was funny." Hey wait a minute -- isn't "South Park" rated TV-MA? ... Bad news from abroad. Svante Pettersson writes, "A week or so ago my cable provider dropped NBC Europe from its service. Or rather moved it to their new fancy digital service that no one can see because there aren't any digital decoders available yet... My provider -- which is Sweden's biggest cable provider, the old, former state owned phone company -- claims to base this decision on surveys done among their customers which I guess means that Leno and O'Brien aren't too popular with the Swedish TV audience. I don't believe this though as I have never heard of anyone taking part in these surveys during my 6 years as a subscriber. Earlier today I heard from a friend at another place in Sweden that the second largest cable company also had dropped NBC. Too bad, as I had just found out how cool Conan O'Brien is" ... And this from a reader in Luxembourg, Ralph Siebenaler: "Harald Schmidt has already done a Top Ten List in a show in the springtime of 1996. Of course, he introduced it with the words (in German), 'Here in my left hand...' and then continued, 'From the home office in Schwerin, Mecklenburg-Vorpommern, the category tonight...' (Schwerin is located in the former German Democratic Republic, which Schmidt often uses to kid about)." Here's the list, and this time almost no annotation is needed: Top Ten Real Names of Harald Schmidt 10. Mao Tse Schmidt 9. Dieter Buergy 8. Elvis 7. Harald Krishna 6. O.J. Schmidt 5. The Artist formerly known as Prince 4. Harald Vorpommern 3. Harry Klein (referring to a character in a German crime series) 2. Forrest Gump 1. Adolf Schmidtler *** Finally, we leave you with this, your moment of Zen: 'Twas my night at the "Late Show" and all through the Ed, Not a creature was sleeping (unless it was dead). The cameras were hung by the desk and each chair, In hopes that Dave Letterman soon would be there. The audience was nestled all snug in their seats, While visions of Dave made their hearts skip two beats. With Calvert in a kerchief and Rupert in his cap, We knew we weren't in for a one-hour nap. Eddie, the warm-up, was ready to go, And I knew in a moment 'twas time for the show. And then band introduction time came, Ed whistled and shouted and called them by name: "Now Sid, now Felicia, Now, Anton, Al, Will! On Bones, On Bruce, And on top of the bill -- To the top of the bandstand, With no red nose at all Now clap away! Clap away! Here comes Paul!" And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stage, The prancing and pawing of each CBS page. I drew in my breath and was turning around, When out DAVID LETTERMAN came with a bound. He was dressed in Armani, from his head to his foot, His peninsula hairpiece the color of soot. With a bundle of jokes thanks to Inky's hard labors, And I thought: "Wake the kids! And phone up the neighbors!" His eyes, how they twinkled! What a gap-toothed mouth! And a tie that was pointed all the way to the south. The can of a ham he held tight in his hands, And he tossed it a bit before all of his fans. Leonard Tepper came out, a right jolly old elf. And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. Then with a toss of a pencil, and a shake of the fist, Dave proceeded to read us his Top Ten list. He finished that up and went straight to his work, Interviewing celebrities (some think him a jerk). Then laying his pencil aside of his nose, And giving a nod, the show came to a close. He sprang to his feet, to his staff gave a whistle, And off flew his jacket like the down of a thistle, But I heard him exclaim as he walked out of sight, "Thanks for being here -- come again -- and to all a good night!" - Marilyn Sargent *** Tom Heald's THIS NIGHT IN HISTORY Exclusive to LATE SHOW NEWS Tu 12/16: In 1986, Darlene Love performs "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" for the first time on "Late Night With David Letterman," the one modern Christmas song Letterman can stand hearing again and again. We 12/17: In 1969, an estimated 50 million viewers tune in as singer Tiny Tim marries Miss Vicky on "The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson." In 1991, Paul Shaffer performs his 8th impression of Cher singing "O Holy Night" on "Late Night With David Letterman." Th 12/18: In 1984, Paul Shaffer performs his 3rd impression of Cher singing "O Holy Night" on "Late Night With David Letterman." Fr 12/19: In 1983, Paul Shaffer performs his 2nd impression of Cher singing "O Holy Night" on "Late Night With David Letterman." Sa 12/20: In 1989, Paul Shaffer performs his 7th impression of Cher singing "O Holy Night." In 1996, Darlene Love performs "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" for the fifth time on "Late Show with David Letterman." Su 12/21: In 1988, Paul Shaffer performs his 6th impression of Cher singing "O Holy Night" on "Late Night With David Letterman." Mo 12/22: In 1992, Paul Shaffer performs his 9th impression of Cher singing "O Holy Night" on "Late Night With David Letterman." In 1995, Darlene Love performs "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" for the fourth time on "Late Show with David Letterman." Tu 12/23: In 1994, Darlene Love performs "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" for the third time on "Late Show With David Letterman." We 12/24: In 1992, David Letterman calls Michael Ovitz, at the time Hollywood's most powerful agent, in Aspen and thanks him for all the work he has done on Letterman's behalf. (R) Th 12/25: In 1962, "Saturday Night Live" Weekend Update anchor Norm MacDonald is born, ruining Christmas for his parents forever. Fr 12/26: In 1991, "Talk Soup" debuts on E!, bringing smirkmiester Greg Kinnear fame and occasionally a decent paycheck. Sa 12/27: In 1963, a little over a year after Johnny Carson leaves as host, the ABC game show "Who Do You Trust?" with replacement host Woody Woodbury folds. Su 12/28: In 1993, from "Late Show with David Letterman's" Top Ten "Ways Santa Relaxes": No. 1 is "Jacuzzi full of egg nog." Mo 12/29: In 1969, ABC replaces "The Joey Bishop Show" with a new late night version of "The Dick Cavett Show." Somewhere in the darkness, a cricket chirps. [Thanks to David Tanny, Frank Serpas, and Darlene Love. Special thanks to Donz5, the ghost of Letterman Past. If you missed "Tom's Twisted 12 days of Christmas" last year, miss it again at . THE LINEUPS with Sue Trowbridge LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS Tu 12/16 Pam Grier, Tom Everett Scott, James Brown We 12/17 Greg Kinnear, Djimon Hounsou, Ben Folds Five Th 12/18 Leslie Nielsen, Michelle Yeoh, Hanson Fr 12/19 Pierce Brosnan, Lou Holtz Mo 12/22 Joan Lunden, Matt Damon Tu 12/23 Terry Bradshaw, Billy Zane, Darlene Love We 12/24 Pre-empted Th 12/25 John Travolta, Juliana Margulies, The St. Luke's Bottle Band (R 12/23/96) THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO, NBC Tu 12/16 Don Rickles, Celine Dion We 12/17 Richard Simmons, Sarah Michelle Geller, Dale Midkiff Th 12/18 Teri Hatcher, Dwight Yoakam, Tyson Beckford Fr 12/19 Kid who burps "Jingle Bells'' Jimmy Lam, Julie Delpy Mo 12/22 Tiger Woods, San Diego Wild Animal Park's Kent Mahaffey, performance of "The Nutcracker" Tu 12/23 Bridget Fonda, Logan O'Brien, Bebe Winans and Big Christmas Choir We 12/24 Pre-empted Th 12/25 George Clooney, Rob Reiner, Melissa Etheridge (R 12/19/96) Fr 12/26 John Travolta, Laura Dern, Stone Temple Pilots (R 12/20/96) Mo 12/29 Mutual of Omaha's animal expert Peter Gros, Scott Glen LATE LATE SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER, CBS Tu 12/16 Barry Levinson We 12/17 Kelly Flinn, Emeril Lagasse Th 12/18 James Cromwell Fr 12/19 Mike Luckovich Mo 12/22 Whoopi Goldberg, Art Donovan (R 10/8/97) Tu 12/23 Kirk Douglas, Harlan Ellison (R 9/24/97) We 12/24 Pre-empted LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, NBC Tu 12/16 Jerry O'Connell, Los Strait Jackets We 12/17 Ozzy Osbourne, Quentin Tarantino, Mike Lupica Th 12/18 Kelly Lynch, Tony Bennett Fr 12/19 Colin Quinn, Thane Maynard, Southern Culture on the Skids Mo 12/22 Leslie Nielsen, Rich Hall, Ricky Scaggs Tu 12/23 Lewis Black We 12/24 Pre-empted Th 12/25 James Woods, Jay Mohr, John Pizzarelli (R 12/10/96) Fr 12/26 Kevin Bacon, Bonnie Hunt, J.R. Havlan (R 12/12/96) LATER, NBC Tu 12/16 Duane Martin with David Arquette We 12/17 Duane Martin with Daryl "Chill'' Mitchell Th 12/18 Duane Martin with Chris Spencer Mo 12/22 - Th 12/25 Jim Breuer with guests TBA CHARLIE ROSE, PBS Please note that Charlie Rose listings are very tentative Tu 12/16 Charlie Rose in Iran (segment only); John Feinstein, James L. Brooks We 12/17 Charlie Rose in Iran (segment only); Nathan Lane, Djimon Hounsou Th 12/18 Charlie Rose in Iran (segment only); Quentin Tarantino & Pam Grier Fr 12/19 Time Magazine's man of the year; Ed Bradley; from "The Diary Of Anne Frank": Natalie Portman, Linda Lavin, James Lapine Mo 12/22 - Fri 12/26 New and previously-aired segments; broadcast order TBA: 1. Presidential Tapes: Stanley Kutler, Michael Beschloss, Jeff Sheshol; Philip Zelikow & Ernest May 2. Authors panel with Charles Frazier, Sebastian Junger, Jamaica Kincaid; another with Stephen Ambrose, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Frank McCourt 3. Placido Domingo (Full Hour) 4. Playwrights Peter Stone, David Mamet, Neil Simon POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER, ABC Tu 12/16 Ken Follett, Clint Bolick, Steve Harvey, Sheryl Lee Ralph We 12/17 David Paymer, Robert Shapiro, Julianne Malveaux Th 12/18 Ann Coulter, Scott La Rose, Clint Black, Adam Werbach Fr 12/19 Ozzy Osbourne, Star Parker, Wallace Langham, Debby Boone Mo 12/22 TBA Tu 12/23 Rita Rudner, Dylan McDermott, Susannah Breslin, Erica Jong (R) We 12/24 Joey Lawrence, Ben Stiller, Deepak Chopra, Susan Carpenter McMillan (R) Th 12/25 Jason Alexander, Poe, Robin Leach, Lisa Shiffren (R) Fr 12/26 Drew Carey, Frances Fisher, Lynn Sherr, Jane Chastain (R) VIBE TV, syndicated Tu 12/16 Ru Paul, Tia & Tamera Mowry, Mase We 12/17 Denis Leary, Will Downing, Rome, Bobby Womack Th 12/18 Alex D. Linz, Lalah Hathaway Fr 12/19 Djimon Hounsou, Somethin' For The People Mo 12/22 Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Carlos Mencia, LSG (R) Tu 12/23 Sounds of Blackness with the O'Jays and Roger Troutman of Zapp (R) We 12/24 Bill Maher, Aaron Neville (R) Th 12/25 Ving Rhames, the cast of "Diff'rent Strokes," Michael Bolton (R) Fr 12/26 Jon Voight, Kasi Lemmons, Vondie Curtis Hall, Jamiroquai (R) KEENEN IVORY WAYANS, syndicated Tu 12/16 Whitney Houston, Melissa Joan Hart, Rondell Sheridan, Sam Salter (R 10/13/97) We 12/17 Lela Rochon, Leah Remini, Jeremy London, Goldfinger (R 10/30/97) Th 12/18 Kim Coles, Dominique Dawes, Third Eye Blind (R 10/8/97) Fr 12/19 David Spade, Kellie Williams, Constance Marie, Busta Rhymes (R 9/24/97) Mo 12/22 Regina King, Tonya Lee Williams, Rick James (R 10/1/97) Tu 12/23 Steve Guttenberg, Traci Bingham, Casper Van Dien, Cypress Hill (R 11/6/97) We 12/24 Fran Drescher, Jill Hennesey, Flex, James Brown (R 10/7/97) Th 12/25 Gabrielle Reece, Tommy Davison, Scott Larose, Usher (R 9/8/97) Fr 12/26 Whoopi Goldberg, Jon Voight, Next (R 10/9/97) Mo 12/29 Damon Wayans, Daisy Fuentes, Ginuwine (R 8/13/97) Tu 12/30 David Duchovny, Tichina Arnold, Bobby Brown (R 10/16/97) We 12/31 Paul Rodriguez, Charlize Theron, A.J. Jamal, Immature/Bizzy Bone (R 10/20/97) Th 1/1 Johnnie Cochran, Margaret Cho, LL Cool J (R 11/26/97) Fr 1/2 Vanessa Williams, Ice T (R 11/13/97) THE DAILY SHOW, Comedy Central Tu 12/16 Beth Littleford with Mark Hamill We 12/17 A. Whitney Brown with Donny Osmond Th 12/18 Stephen "The New Guy" Colbert with Jamie Luner ("Melrose Place") (Reruns TBA from 12/22/97-1/5/98.) SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST, Cartoon Network Fr 12/19 TBA Also check out for a video preview of the next episode. HOWARD STERN, E! Tu 12/16 Fiona Apple MTV Awards Part 2, Donna D'Erico Part 2 (R) We 12/17 Ozzy Osbourne and Son Jack, Gary's Teeth (R) Th 12/18 The Bacon Brothers and Stripper, Suzanne Somers Part 1 (R) Fr 12/19 Kendra Under The Console, Suzanne Somers Part 2 (R) Sa 12/20 Scott The Engineer In Bra And Panties (R), Restaraunt Goof Lockjaw (R) DIE HARALD SCHMIDT SHOW, SAT.1 Di 16/12 Anja Kruse, Ralph Morgenstern Mi 17/12 Fritz Egner, Katarina Witt Do 18/12 Hannes Jaenicke, Franziska Schenk Fr 19/12 Thomas Koschwitz (former German late-night host!), Sabina Christiansen Also on late nights: NIGHTLINE and WORLD NEWS NOW, ABC CHARLES GRODIN, CNBC MAD TV, Fox SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, NBC (this season) and Comedy Central (classics) THE RUPAUL SHOW, VH1 LOVELINE and ODDVILLE MTV, MTV UP TO THE MINUTE, CBS NIGHTSIDE, NBC Entire contents Copyright 1997 by Aaron Barnhart. All rights reserved. Current e-mail circulation: 11,286 subscribers in 53 countries. Guest lineups are updated throughout the week by Sue Trowbridge at LATE SHOW NEWS is made possible with the generous assistance of ECHO, New York City's premiere online service. Send news for and comments about this newsletter to aaron@tvbarn.com