Remote Patrol Archives 2002-2004

This is it, we’ll hit the heights!
November 20, 2004 10:03 PM

True as you want it to be
November 19, 2004 07:41 AM

Hey, column of television!
November 18, 2004 09:30 AM

Take a bite out of crime!
November 17, 2004 11:29 AM

Joker is wild
November 16, 2004 04:30 PM

Hoedown!
November 15, 2004 10:30 AM

Shakes, the clown
November 13, 2004 08:33 AM

Slippery when wet
November 12, 2004 08:20 AM

Welcome to never neverland
November 11, 2004 08:16 AM

Her name is Rio
November 10, 2004 08:15 AM

A drop of golden sun
November 8, 2004 08:03 AM

Don’t sleep in the subway, darlin’
November 6, 2004 09:38 AM

Kltpzyxm!
November 5, 2004 08:05 AM

Refrain from using Miracle Whip if taking a MAYO inhibitor
November 4, 2004 08:11 AM

The morning after
November 3, 2004 05:30 AM

I approve this message.
November 2, 2004 08:24 AM

God bless Lili St. Cyr!
November 1, 2004 08:10 AM

Depth takes a holiday
October 30, 2004 07:55 AM

Amazed Grace
October 29, 2004 06:23 AM

Pro and Confetti
October 28, 2004 06:38 AM

Pushing tin
October 27, 2004 08:16 AM

Gore Vidal is The Bachelor …
October 26, 2004 08:23 AM

Shows for Monday
October 25, 2004 09:43 AM

There’s got to be a morning after
October 23, 2004 12:05 PM

You could call your dad, he could stop it all
October 22, 2004 09:59 AM

Play Ball!
October 21, 2004 09:57 AM

Veni, Black and Decker, Vici: I came, I sawed, I conquered
October 20, 2004 09:21 AM

Look at me, I’m sandy deep
October 19, 2004 08:11 AM

He’d make a plan and he’d follow through!
October 18, 2004 08:35 AM

Pedro for Pesident!
October 16, 2004 10:09 AM

The hunting of the snark
October 15, 2004 09:29 AM

$50 and time served
October 14, 2004 09:35 AM

It’s just not on the air anymore
October 13, 2004 09:24 AM

Sunshine came softly through my a-window today
October 12, 2004 07:25 AM

Baby, if you’ve ever wondered, Wondered whatever became of me
October 11, 2004 09:23 AM

What’s new for October 8-10
October 8, 2004 07:22 AM

What’s new for October 7
October 7, 2004 06:30 AM

What’s new for Wednesday, October 6
October 6, 2004 08:51 AM

What’s new for Tuesday, October 5
October 5, 2004 08:45 AM

New on Monday
October 4, 2004 08:37 AM

Tonight on the Paxil Network
October 1, 2004 09:13 AM

See how they run!
September 30, 2004 09:34 AM

Mmmmmm, paint!
September 29, 2004 09:17 AM

For those that spell “relief” R-E-M-O-T-E
September 28, 2004 10:27 AM

A dwarves’ toilet is an elfin john?
September 27, 2004 09:00 AM

Mundane make-under
September 25, 2004 09:51 AM

capital offense
September 24, 2004 06:51 AM

Live with Regis and Whatzername!
September 23, 2004 09:46 AM

Gremlins 2: the New Bachelor
September 22, 2004 07:21 AM

Drop in on all the music they play …
September 21, 2004 08:51 AM

Has Jack Palance stopped his push-ups yet?
September 20, 2004 08:45 AM

You think that milk carton was an accident?
September 18, 2004 09:38 AM

American Idiots
September 17, 2004 09:48 AM

TiVo and Grace
September 16, 2004 02:41 PM

Audrey III
September 15, 2004 06:38 AM

Her name is Jennifer
September 14, 2004 09:31 AM

She’ll stick ‘em up down under
September 13, 2004 09:15 AM

Day of Remembrance
September 11, 2004 10:23 AM

Friday 9/10
September 10, 2004 08:36 AM

Escape from Brooklyn!
September 9, 2004 08:35 AM

You get what you need
September 8, 2004 07:07 AM

These H.G. Wells invaders of the quiet countryside
September 7, 2004 08:20 AM

Look for the Union label
September 4, 2004 12:46 PM

Eight is enough
September 3, 2004 08:33 AM

Car 54, where is you!
September 2, 2004 08:41 AM

They’ll take Manhattan
September 1, 2004 08:57 AM

From Berlin down to Belize
August 31, 2004 09:09 AM

Will you still love me tomorrow?
August 30, 2004 08:30 AM

Wheel of Fish
August 28, 2004 08:29 AM

Can we rename the Hubble telescope Arsenio?
August 27, 2004 06:25 AM

Good morning, Bubbles!
August 26, 2004 08:40 AM

When I started, I wasn’t even a bill, I was just an idea.
August 25, 2004 08:55 AM

Give my regards to Yambo!
August 24, 2004 08:07 AM

Greece is the word, is the word that you’ve heard
August 22, 2004 10:24 PM

Feets don’t fail me now
August 21, 2004 09:06 AM

It’s morning in America
August 20, 2004 09:02 AM

Welcome to our peaceful pronouns
August 19, 2004 08:41 AM

Beverly Sills, 90210
August 18, 2004 08:46 AM

Mr. Yankovic rocked the house!
August 17, 2004 01:25 PM

Denzel Washington’s years at Mt. Vernon
August 16, 2004 08:22 AM

Give a fish to build a dream on and my imagination …
August 14, 2004 09:52 AM

Raw toonage
August 13, 2004 08:10 AM

Supposedly when you think you’re crazy, you’re really not
August 12, 2004 08:56 AM

Text message your vote to the remote
August 11, 2004 09:42 AM

Go together like a hearse and carriage
August 10, 2004 08:20 AM

There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealing’s done
August 9, 2004 10:57 AM

Variations on a theme song
August 7, 2004 08:58 AM

Better fate than leavened
August 6, 2004 09:54 AM

Cruising for bruising
August 5, 2004 06:43 AM

To AR is human
August 4, 2004 08:02 AM

An orange Tara alert level from Scarlett O’Hara
August 3, 2004 06:34 AM

Put your hand inside the puppet head
August 1, 2004 10:50 PM

Super, thanks for asking!
July 31, 2004 10:00 AM

Mr. Freeze
July 30, 2004 07:59 AM

Emote Philips
July 29, 2004 07:47 AM

Adventures in Baby-Sitting
July 28, 2004 07:51 AM

Decorate yourself
July 27, 2004 09:52 AM

Book of Love, Psalm 24
July 25, 2004 05:13 PM

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
July 24, 2004 09:27 AM

Blink twice for yes.
July 23, 2004 09:53 AM

Ahamo!
July 22, 2004 06:57 AM

Flying without Wings
July 21, 2004 10:56 AM

Horton hears a Hubris
July 19, 2004 10:55 PM

A picture and a paragraph
July 18, 2004 10:36 PM

Horton Hears a Whom?
July 17, 2004 08:26 AM

TMI
July 16, 2004 08:59 AM

Spake TV
July 14, 2004 10:23 PM

We wear short shorts
July 14, 2004 06:34 AM

The nose don’t schmo
July 13, 2004 06:29 AM

The Brothers Coen
July 11, 2004 07:42 PM

Which way is up?
July 10, 2004 09:31 AM

Refer Madness
July 9, 2004 08:22 AM

It’s cold outside. I think I’m catching a Kafka.
July 7, 2004 09:42 PM

Charlie Brown and the CBS-eating tree
July 6, 2004 11:53 PM

Camryn Manheim Steamroller
July 6, 2004 07:55 AM

The jig is up
July 4, 2004 11:39 PM

“Back of my neck, gettin’ dirty and gritty…”
July 3, 2004 10:18 AM

Run for your lives — it’s Tony Danza!
July 2, 2004 09:18 AM

That’s why I carry this: several years of hostility …
July 1, 2004 08:24 AM

With a knick-knack paddy-whack
June 30, 2004 09:17 AM

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back
June 29, 2004 08:17 AM

Brush up your Kerouac
June 25, 2004 09:00 AM

These pretzels are still making me Thursday
June 23, 2004 09:38 PM

Flying without.
June 22, 2004 08:21 PM

Here we come, walkin’ down the street
June 21, 2004 09:54 PM

The Broncos is up and the pillows are down
June 20, 2004 03:05 PM

There it is.
June 19, 2004 11:41 AM

Corrugated for your protection
June 17, 2004 10:48 PM

An opera singer and jewelry designer
June 17, 2004 08:53 AM

ANT farm
June 16, 2004 09:18 AM

Spiders From Vegas
June 15, 2004 09:06 AM

Air Bud: The Sumo Years
June 13, 2004 09:21 PM

Pre-Summer Break
June 10, 2004 08:55 AM

I Rotisserie on Your Grave!
June 9, 2004 08:51 AM

Somebody come and play today …
June 7, 2004 10:35 PM

But there’s a twist
June 7, 2004 08:59 AM

Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with desire?
June 5, 2004 09:12 AM

Kept thinkin’ I could never live without you by my side
June 4, 2004 09:29 AM

First I was afraid, I was petrified …
June 2, 2004 10:09 PM

We need a little Christmas, right this very minute …
June 1, 2004 09:38 PM

BBQed up
May 31, 2004 05:21 PM

Exterior Decoration Day
May 29, 2004 11:09 AM

Extreme Morkover, starring Orson
May 28, 2004 09:57 AM

I can’t find my wallet and my hair is on fire
May 27, 2004 12:21 PM

American U-Haul
May 26, 2004 09:58 AM

Set your redialers on stun!
May 24, 2004 11:19 PM

A million times I’ve asked you, and then I ask you over again
May 23, 2004 11:33 PM

If Ozzie married Willie’s mother …
May 22, 2004 10:28 AM

All Is Ferris in Love and Bueller
May 21, 2004 08:26 AM

Better lame than ever
May 20, 2004 12:44 PM

Sorry seems to be the hardest word, unless you count “hammer.”
May 19, 2004 09:08 AM

Oedipus Shrek
May 18, 2004 10:46 AM

Gee, I hope I get it. I hope I get it.
May 17, 2004 09:26 AM

Saturday night’s all fight for writing
May 15, 2004 11:07 AM

Where, on “Sesame Street”?
May 14, 2004 11:13 AM

Hey, Bulldog!
May 13, 2004 09:10 AM

Where on “Must See TV” did friends Constance Marie, Michael Landes, Harriet Sansom Harris and Jim Pirri meet each week?
May 12, 2004 10:54 AM

Obscure Elton John lyric
May 11, 2004 11:47 AM

Down where Lexington cross 47th Street
May 10, 2004 02:08 PM

Hello Muddah
May 8, 2004 11:31 AM

You’re not witnessing a caffeine rush.
May 7, 2004 09:10 AM

I’ll be here for you
May 6, 2004 09:49 AM

Hmmm, 100. Think he’d like a Home Depot gift card?
May 5, 2004 08:29 AM

Futurespeak is so five minutes ago.
May 4, 2004 09:10 AM

Dharma and Gargle
May 3, 2004 09:32 AM

Once upon a time, there was a tavern.
May 1, 2004 07:48 AM

I’m spicy!
April 30, 2004 09:47 AM

Give me spots on my apples, but leave me the birds and the bees …
April 29, 2004 08:28 AM

As troops go marching on …
April 28, 2004 09:23 AM

Giuseppe Verdi was here watching the whole time.
April 27, 2004 10:13 AM

Subject: Project 38-X ready for takeoff!
April 26, 2004 11:16 AM

A magical mystery tour
April 24, 2004 12:02 PM

“Their job: To enforce the law!”
April 23, 2004 09:07 AM

Walking in L.A.
April 22, 2004 08:37 AM

TV turnover week with glazed icing
April 21, 2004 09:01 AM

Peace in a pod
April 20, 2004 07:30 AM

There’s a bright golden haze on the meadow
April 19, 2004 08:04 AM

They buy as much as they could want
April 17, 2004 12:00 PM

If you don’t care a feather or a fig …
April 16, 2004 08:02 AM

Who’s up for a little “manscaping”?
April 15, 2004 10:32 AM

Live from the exterior of Interior!
April 14, 2004 08:15 AM

Spandexter’s Laboratory
April 13, 2004 10:21 AM

Bring me the head of Leopold Stotch!
April 12, 2004 10:08 AM


April 9, 2004 05:29 PM

One of you ladies will become … the Mongoose
April 8, 2004 10:50 AM

The color of shoes
April 7, 2004 08:22 AM

It’s a bird! It’s a plan! It’s … Letterman!
April 6, 2004 10:44 AM

We’re bobbing along in our barrel
April 5, 2004 09:25 AM

It’s just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right.
April 3, 2004 12:32 PM

Chorus of Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”
April 2, 2004 10:48 AM

Time Aprils On
April 1, 2004 07:13 AM

Time Marches On
March 31, 2004 10:21 AM

Kerry on, my wayward son. Don’t you cry no more.
March 30, 2004 09:40 AM

flea, fly, flow … flu?
March 29, 2004 10:15 AM

Sunrise, Swing Set
March 27, 2004 09:09 AM

Voh doh doh de oh
March 26, 2004 07:32 AM

1 cup lemon juice, fresh is best
March 25, 2004 08:57 AM

Lorne Greene makes me blue, just thinking of you
March 24, 2004 09:26 AM

Why are all my dental records Ferrante & Teicher?
March 23, 2004 09:38 AM

Brother Vibe? Sunshine, Duke, Style, Cool, Midnight …
March 22, 2004 09:05 AM

5 Down: 7 natural fibers
March 19, 2004 08:30 AM

Limerick James
March 18, 2004 07:52 AM

This could get O’nnoying
March 17, 2004 09:38 AM

“Days” and confused
March 16, 2004 10:35 AM

Back to the Futon
March 15, 2004 09:36 AM

Farewell, My Sweeps
March 5, 2004 07:18 AM

Would a sheepish hairstylist be a hairy shearer?
March 4, 2004 09:43 AM

No more plastic hangers ever again!
March 3, 2004 09:24 AM

Morning has broken. Will airplane glue fix it?
March 2, 2004 12:28 PM

Why was the show so long (dot com)?
March 1, 2004 10:22 AM

Little, bald and gelded: Just another Sunday with Larry David
February 28, 2004 08:14 AM

Friday: Just the Facts
February 27, 2004 10:23 AM

Tyra ‘88
February 26, 2004 08:52 AM

Late to bed, early to rise, makes a writer drowsy and full of lies.
February 25, 2004 08:35 AM

Marry this!
February 24, 2004 10:05 AM

Okay, let’s play “Who Wants to Read Remote Patrol?”
February 22, 2004 10:55 PM

Ear-waxing eloquently
February 21, 2004 10:33 AM

How long can you tread water?
February 20, 2004 07:39 AM

Better late than Neverland Ranch
February 19, 2004 11:49 AM

Here we are, hanging onto strains of greed and blues
February 18, 2004 08:07 AM

Locals only!
February 17, 2004 07:39 AM

A big question
February 16, 2004 08:30 AM

Happy V.D.
February 14, 2004 09:20 AM

Memo to Miller: Remove the monkey
February 13, 2004 07:47 AM

Christopher Tracy’s Parade
February 12, 2004 08:15 AM

And the mother’s name? Rosemary.
February 11, 2004 09:07 AM

Coming this spring, 43 reality shows on Fox
February 10, 2004 07:45 AM

You got what I need
February 9, 2004 09:17 AM

We’ve got a gorilla for sale
February 7, 2004 08:42 AM

There’s snow business like show business
February 6, 2004 08:47 AM

Queer Idol for the Celebrity Apprentice Millionaire
February 5, 2004 07:51 AM

Pat and Kenny read Remote Patrol transcripts
February 4, 2004 09:13 AM

Randy! Randy! Randy!
February 2, 2004 11:45 PM

I’ve drank dirtier stuff than that.
February 1, 2004 11:38 PM

Arbitrarily Tom
January 30, 2004 08:01 AM

Rubber bands reunited
January 29, 2004 08:55 AM

The killer revealed today on “Days.” Eye knew it.
January 28, 2004 07:23 AM

Whither Old Hampshire?
January 27, 2004 08:30 AM

Wish it was Sunday
January 26, 2004 09:30 AM

Dancin’ to the rhythm in our heart and soul
January 23, 2004 08:41 AM

It goes all around my throat! It’s a terrifying thing!
January 21, 2004 11:05 PM

VH1 reunites the Archies
January 20, 2004 10:57 PM

This reminds me, I need to recaucus my bathtub.
January 19, 2004 08:46 PM

He’s always at home with his back to the wall.
January 19, 2004 07:55 AM

Kadoka chrome
January 16, 2004 09:30 AM

Automatic for the peepholes
January 14, 2004 11:39 AM

It doesn’t matter to me, chasing the clouds away.
January 14, 2004 11:37 AM

You can feel like a dove and then like a million rainbows.
January 13, 2004 07:46 AM

The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload
January 11, 2004 02:45 PM

Somebody come and play today
January 9, 2004 10:02 AM

The tintinnabulation that so musically wells
January 8, 2004 12:17 AM

Coming up on Mars Rover TV: rocks … rocks … and oooh, dust!
January 7, 2004 12:09 AM

Sure, but what about his brother Guy?
January 5, 2004 06:39 PM

Don’t panic, we’re organic.
January 4, 2004 10:28 PM

I feel it coming together
January 2, 2004 08:47 AM

We’ll tak’ a cup o’ kindness yet, For auld lang syne
December 31, 2003 09:09 AM

Goodbye, Ruby
December 29, 2003 02:34 PM

Survivor: Calendar Islands
December 28, 2003 06:44 PM

Grouse hunting at 4:30 a.m.
December 26, 2003 10:41 AM

Seasoned Greetings (with extra paprika)
December 23, 2003 11:20 PM

Hurry, Christmas, Hurry Past
December 22, 2003 11:08 PM

Prince Charles: TVBarn’s 2003 Man of the Ear
December 22, 2003 08:53 AM

Checking out at Cabot Cove will be harder.
December 19, 2003 12:31 PM

One Dollar, Bob!
December 17, 2003 11:18 PM

Plus, Christa is accused of sabotaging the food supply.
December 16, 2003 09:45 PM

Joker’s While
December 16, 2003 08:55 AM

So I can watch you weave, then breathe your storylines
December 14, 2003 09:58 PM

Fallen dusty Mulder
December 12, 2003 12:07 PM

Put it there if it weighs a ton …
December 11, 2003 09:17 AM

I can only speak my mind
December 9, 2003 11:38 PM

Everybody play the game
December 9, 2003 11:21 AM

Paint it black
December 7, 2003 07:30 PM

Come they told me, pa run pun pun pun
December 5, 2003 02:34 PM

Don’t open the mail slot!
December 4, 2003 09:06 AM

Who’s bending down to give me a rainbow?
December 3, 2003 09:29 AM

Will you please stop calling us Melvin?
December 1, 2003 04:53 PM

Suckle daddy’s 85-pound ball of sugar
December 1, 2003 10:42 AM

Over Joan Rivers and through James Woods to Grant Goodeve’s house we go
November 27, 2003 10:19 AM

While visions of cranberries danced in their heads …
November 26, 2003 09:01 AM

As Simon Cowell criticizes Tiny Tim for his “gimmick”
November 25, 2003 10:37 AM

Just go, Joe!
November 23, 2003 10:37 PM

National Lampoon’s Television Barn
November 20, 2003 11:41 PM

One shot, two shot. Red shot, Flu shot.
November 20, 2003 07:58 AM

She blinded me with science (SCIENCE!)
November 18, 2003 10:18 PM

Tampa-proof lid
November 18, 2003 09:30 AM

Neeeeeeear ………. Faaaar!
November 16, 2003 09:23 PM

Were it … Miss Ellie?
November 14, 2003 08:21 AM

Battle of the Nitwit Stars
November 12, 2003 11:33 PM

My Man Norton
November 11, 2003 11:35 PM

I Love the ’80s. Well, maybe not 1987.
November 10, 2003 10:26 PM

Come for the fried chicken, stay for the punch lines
November 9, 2003 10:34 PM

Zzzz Street
November 7, 2003 08:13 AM

Austria Waltzes the Vote
November 5, 2003 10:24 PM

12 is the loneliest number
November 5, 2003 07:45 AM

Maybe he’s no Romeo, but he’s her loving one-man show!
November 4, 2003 12:05 AM

Kick off your Sunday shoes
November 2, 2003 06:47 PM

Happy Samhain
October 31, 2003 08:40 AM

Such are promises, all lies and jest
October 30, 2003 07:38 AM

Spell-check hates Star Trek
October 29, 2003 10:31 AM

The price is wrong
October 28, 2003 10:35 AM

Disney presents ‘Nother Bore
October 26, 2003 11:25 PM

It’s been years since I Kippled
October 24, 2003 08:24 AM

Josh Maligned
October 23, 2003 09:35 AM

Vanna Winced
October 21, 2003 11:57 PM

Tuesday, October 21, 2003
October 21, 2003 08:20 AM

The Fish That Saved Baltimore
October 20, 2003 09:36 AM

The Future of De-evolution Is Now
October 16, 2003 11:05 PM

And pies of all sizes …
October 16, 2003 08:06 AM

I don’t tolerate rudeness during the dinner hour
October 15, 2003 08:13 AM

And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver
October 14, 2003 07:46 AM

Henry the Eighth redecorated with help from Home Despot
October 12, 2003 03:50 PM

Laugh Tracks and Tiaras
October 10, 2003 04:58 AM

Chatter Chandler Bing Bang
October 9, 2003 04:16 AM

Alice Horton hears a Whom
October 7, 2003 09:01 AM

Come back, Mr. Galifianakis, all is forgiven!
October 6, 2003 08:48 PM

Decimated
October 5, 2003 11:40 PM

Gonna have the whole world on a plate
October 2, 2003 10:00 PM

My baby takes the morning train
October 1, 2003 11:35 PM

We’re a couple’a swells
October 1, 2003 09:21 AM

Write when you get work, Arsenio!
September 30, 2003 09:21 AM

Or for that matter … Kajagoogoo
September 28, 2003 10:51 PM

You know you might as well face it
September 26, 2003 11:45 AM

Come back, Marcel!
September 25, 2003 09:15 AM

Lors 2: The New Bach
September 24, 2003 07:07 AM

Rama llama ding dong
September 23, 2003 07:58 AM

Be Cos of the wonderful things he does
September 22, 2003 12:25 AM

Return to Aremid?
September 19, 2003 07:40 AM

Morgan, free men?
September 17, 2003 09:25 AM

Call now
September 16, 2003 10:23 PM

Toothpicks are a many splintered thing.
September 16, 2003 07:23 AM

Starchy and “Hutch”
September 14, 2003 11:17 PM

Two’s Company
September 12, 2003 12:04 PM

Light a candle.
September 10, 2003 10:48 PM

It’s time for you to go
September 9, 2003 10:59 PM

Through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be
September 8, 2003 11:03 PM

And what about Wynonna?
September 7, 2003 08:49 PM

Section 8
September 4, 2003 11:46 PM

Buoy Meets Yacht
September 3, 2003 11:30 PM

Greetings from everyone at the Osgood R. Flimm Building
September 2, 2003 11:04 PM

Like the bump Todd Newton got when the iPod fell
September 1, 2003 10:21 PM

Look for the union label
August 31, 2003 06:10 PM

Happy Labrador
August 28, 2003 11:10 PM

Our troubles are all the same
August 27, 2003 10:31 PM

And at 5:51 a.m., Mars!
August 26, 2003 10:35 PM

Chim Chim Cheree
August 25, 2003 10:57 PM

You just don’t argue anymore.
August 24, 2003 08:12 PM

You’re wide awake, and you’re not wearing pants.
August 22, 2003 09:10 AM

Achoo! Kucinich!
August 20, 2003 11:12 PM

Norm on Cheers: Beer Eye for Overweight Guy
August 19, 2003 10:54 PM

Clear Channel for the Conglomerate panel
August 18, 2003 11:16 PM

TREE + BUSH - THE
August 17, 2003 11:00 PM

Lemme hear you say … Fight the Power
August 15, 2003 01:55 PM

We like short shorts
August 13, 2003 09:24 PM

Whither Pete and Julie?
August 12, 2003 10:27 PM

Next on Animal Planet’s “For Love or Monkey”
August 11, 2003 10:31 PM

Comedy Central: home of Roast pork.
August 11, 2003 08:54 AM

David decorates in “Traipsing Spades”
August 7, 2003 11:22 PM

These pretzels are making me Thursday.
August 6, 2003 10:39 PM

Eatin’ Chicken Soup with Rice
August 5, 2003 08:48 PM

Sean Penn Jeans available now at Old Merchant Marines
August 4, 2003 10:45 PM

Go, go! Flower arrangers!
August 3, 2003 11:32 PM

Alex Haley Meets Miss Clairol
July 31, 2003 11:23 PM

Beware of the Doug
July 30, 2003 11:48 PM

Trading Gynecologists: two wombs, 270 days, $1,000 deductible
July 29, 2003 07:38 PM

High apple pie in the sky hopes
July 28, 2003 10:09 PM

The dreams that I have in store in my mind
July 27, 2003 12:00 PM

Direct from the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople
July 24, 2003 11:05 PM

Now I hear the music. Close my eyes, I am rhythm.
July 23, 2003 10:53 PM

Does whatever a Dat can
July 22, 2003 11:08 PM

Send your hate mail to Mr. Heald, not Mr. Delfin
July 21, 2003 10:59 PM

Falco, Taco, Charo
July 20, 2003 11:19 PM

Let’s make fashion happen!
July 18, 2003 11:23 PM

Because there are only two “o’s” in “news”
July 17, 2003 10:50 PM

The thing that bothers me is that I like it fine.
July 16, 2003 11:04 PM

The Sun King
July 15, 2003 09:40 PM

Who Wants to Hit a Millionaire’s Knuckleball?
July 14, 2003 10:36 PM

Here’s to good friends. Tonight is kinda special.
July 13, 2003 10:52 PM

Well, I’d love to keep bantering with you all day
July 12, 2003 01:27 AM

Flashed at Old Faithful
July 10, 2003 11:39 PM

101 Damnations
July 10, 2003 12:32 AM

As real as a Fellini film
July 8, 2003 10:38 PM

Chevy Chase avoided the summons
July 7, 2003 11:18 PM

For Dollars or Doofus
July 6, 2003 08:04 PM

Because you insist all your characters be named Tony
July 4, 2003 11:01 PM

Sally Third
July 2, 2003 11:08 PM

This world we love so much might just kill you
July 2, 2003 02:09 AM

“What is existentialism, Alex?”
July 1, 2003 02:46 AM

This Am My Country
June 30, 2003 08:59 AM

Black Plowman
June 28, 2003 08:46 AM

“Evildoers will become evil … um … don’ters ….”
June 27, 2003 08:44 AM

“You are just deliberately trying to make us lose”
June 26, 2003 08:14 AM

I can catch the moon in my hand …
June 25, 2003 02:37 AM

How green is Mark Valley
June 24, 2003 02:23 PM

Yellow means go very very fast
June 23, 2003 02:13 PM

Dead Seas
June 21, 2003 08:10 AM

I call it “the angry St. Bernard”
June 20, 2003 12:42 AM

I can ride your heart till it breaks
June 19, 2003 09:11 AM

In fiery gold, He glories all effulgent!
June 17, 2003 03:15 PM

Meanwhile, I’ve got a Miami hankering
June 16, 2003 03:13 PM

When it comes to BBQ, I like my Quentins extra Crispy
June 14, 2003 03:05 PM

Better never than Later with Greg Kinnear
June 13, 2003 04:17 PM

overly casual friday
June 13, 2003 12:02 PM

Running wild, lost control. Running wild, mighty bold.
June 12, 2003 02:37 PM

The staff dressed him like a Kenny
June 11, 2003 12:56 PM

Take Them Out!
June 10, 2003 10:56 AM

Look out, it’s an 11-foot-tall Chuck Woolery!
June 9, 2003 03:12 PM

Does Harvey have too much Hairspray?
June 7, 2003 01:35 PM

Palindromes in Pampers
June 6, 2003 04:08 PM

On the good ship Lollypop
June 5, 2003 01:19 PM

Down, Pete!
June 4, 2003 01:53 PM

American Freshman, towel snap your vote now!
June 3, 2003 03:05 PM

They say it’s your birthday? Well, it’s my birthday too, yeah.
June 2, 2003 01:20 PM

Chocolate Cake From Scratch
May 31, 2003 01:13 PM

Carnie Knowledge
May 30, 2003 02:01 PM

A high point for kids barely 5 feet tall
May 29, 2003 12:36 PM

Burke’s Law
May 28, 2003 12:59 PM

Bring me the stomach of Tyra Banks!
May 27, 2003 01:22 PM

Thanks for the memos
May 24, 2003 05:14 PM

But, y’know, who understands those rap guys?
May 23, 2003 09:41 AM

Because America loves sweaty Obese African-American men!
May 22, 2003 01:27 PM

Fat Albert Vs. Ed Grimley
May 21, 2003 11:53 AM

23:59
May 20, 2003 09:09 AM

Why was that masked man?!?
May 19, 2003 08:08 AM

Hunky Hitler Conquers Venice Beach
May 17, 2003 06:53 PM

and this fourth wall will be covered in headless Barbie Dolls ….
May 16, 2003 04:27 PM

The end all, be all
May 15, 2003 01:04 PM

Ruuuuuuuuuben!
May 14, 2003 04:08 PM

aaaaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaaaa
May 13, 2003 08:47 PM

Re: Dolly Parton sings it better.
May 12, 2003 03:18 PM

Caustic, and doesn’t miss a thing.
May 10, 2003 04:42 PM

I knowd what’s right and wrong since I been 10
May 9, 2003 01:14 PM

big ole ruby red dress wanders round the town
May 8, 2003 01:47 PM

“Mother … Oh God! Mother! Blood … blood!”
May 7, 2003 05:01 PM

I don’t know. Third base.
May 6, 2003 08:14 AM

We saved Will using your kidney. Hope you didn’t mind.
May 5, 2003 09:04 AM

Run!
May 3, 2003 05:07 PM

Bring back the overstuffed chairs!
May 2, 2003 01:05 PM

And bad mistakes, I’ve had a few
May 1, 2003 09:50 AM

And send him on his way.
April 30, 2003 06:16 PM

Hey, Trivia!
April 29, 2003 05:08 PM

There’s Nothing Like Being Dumped With a Ziggurat Card.
April 28, 2003 07:41 PM

Synchronize Your Eyes
April 26, 2003 05:47 PM

But Mary Kate, that goes against everything we stand for!
April 25, 2003 04:24 PM

12 Across: Minor irritation (two words, twelve letters)
April 24, 2003 08:41 AM

Set phasers on stunned
April 23, 2003 04:08 PM

Ruuuuuuuuueben!
April 22, 2003 03:46 PM

Cryptosporidium is a triple-word spore
April 21, 2003 02:58 PM

In your Easter bonnet with all the frills upon it
April 19, 2003 10:47 AM

Peeps show
April 18, 2003 05:16 PM

You’ll find that you’re in the rotogravure
April 17, 2003 12:45 PM

The answer you seek is in the shed!
April 16, 2003 06:59 AM

and when they look you over
April 15, 2003 03:11 PM

I’ll be all in clover
April 14, 2003 03:20 PM

Steeplechase
April 13, 2003 09:09 AM

Saturday’s not all right for biting
April 12, 2003 05:04 PM

and what of the Napoleon simplex?
April 11, 2003 04:46 PM

Dennis, Shiller
April 10, 2003 09:56 AM

A brand new pair of roller skates
April 9, 2003 04:15 PM

She’ll be widing 6 white horses when she comes…
April 8, 2003 04:08 PM

Back to the beat
April 7, 2003 03:33 PM

Back to the beat
April 7, 2003 03:33 PM

Other TV Barn Tickers
April 3, 2003 07:17 AM

Get these mutts away from me.
April 2, 2003 11:31 AM

Got Fool?
April 1, 2003 02:29 PM

Barr None
March 31, 2003 07:01 AM

They’re not booing you sir, they’re yelling “Ruuuuuuudy!”
March 29, 2003 05:25 PM

… or camcorders for that matter.
March 28, 2003 09:54 AM

I love you, uh, what’s your name again?
March 27, 2003 01:30 PM

We are Family! I’ve got all my sisters… What? We’re cancelled?
March 26, 2003 04:06 PM

Neeeeeeeeear ….. Faaaaaaaaaaaaaar!
March 25, 2003 02:35 PM

Sure, but it’s no Blockbuster Movie Awards
March 24, 2003 11:23 AM

Shiny Happy People
March 22, 2003 10:23 AM

I dance for Spring!
March 21, 2003 08:19 AM

… and let it begin with me.
March 20, 2003 01:38 PM

Ease on down, ease on down the road
March 19, 2003 03:54 PM

Coming Soon: The Riyadh Patrol
March 18, 2003 03:02 PM

Happy St. Patter
March 17, 2003 01:57 PM

Words to all of your mothers!
March 15, 2003 03:21 PM

Do it Rockapella!
March 14, 2003 12:18 PM

It’s Might-See TV!
March 13, 2003 01:41 PM

And was he drinking a screwdriver?
March 12, 2003 11:48 AM

Spooooooooooooooooooon!
March 11, 2003 12:57 PM

How J-Lo can you go?
March 10, 2003 02:54 PM

It’s still code outside near Fargo North, Decoder
March 8, 2003 05:24 PM

The return of Jennifer of the Jungle
March 7, 2003 04:27 PM

Where are you going to, Spider-Man? Nobody knows who you are!
March 6, 2003 02:50 PM

I like fish food. You do too. Don’t look now, your hair is blue.
March 5, 2003 01:01 PM

Who can turn a can into a cane?
March 4, 2003 03:23 PM

Five Feet, Nine Inches, Over
March 3, 2003 01:39 PM

Anyone else for eel-bobbing?
March 1, 2003 04:55 PM

Anyone else for eel-bobbing?
March 1, 2003 03:34 PM

Slow Motion Running
February 28, 2003 03:20 PM

As Daniel Striped Tiger mourns.
February 27, 2003 12:24 PM

The real killer? Michael Jackson
February 26, 2003 03:07 PM

And “icky,” don’t forget “icky”
February 25, 2003 03:03 PM

Practice Makes Hiatus
February 24, 2003 12:39 PM

Tyson, Chicken?
February 22, 2003 01:48 PM

They’re not celebrities, cancel the show!
February 21, 2003 04:18 PM

Let’s Trista gain like we did last summer
February 20, 2003 10:56 AM

Gremlins 3: The New Bachelorette
February 19, 2003 11:36 AM

Die, Joe Millionaire, Die!
February 18, 2003 12:47 PM

Moonwalk-y Horror Picture Show
February 17, 2003 04:19 PM

Once more for a pepper-upper
February 15, 2003 03:02 PM

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Some poems rhyme, and others just don’t.
February 14, 2003 12:22 PM

‘Cause I’m devoted to TV which leaveth me no time to serve god.
February 13, 2003 11:16 AM

It’s Erik
February 12, 2003 01:25 PM

Tuesdays With Maury Povich
February 11, 2003 11:11 AM

An entire week of V.D.
February 10, 2003 11:25 AM

Stupid cupid
February 8, 2003 02:09 PM

Nearscape
February 7, 2003 01:55 PM

Off the Wall. Bad. Dangerous. Unwatchable?
February 6, 2003 12:47 PM

Plinko: Behind the Pegboard
February 5, 2003 02:00 PM

Taco
February 4, 2003 03:05 PM

Testing, 1-2-3
February 3, 2003 11:31 AM

Shuttle diplomacy
February 2, 2003 02:00 PM

And what about … Wynonna?
January 31, 2003 11:27 AM

Which one of these Celebrity Jell-Os has … “The Mold”?
January 30, 2003 10:34 AM

Emeril presents The State of the Union
January 29, 2003 12:29 PM

Is the war effort dead? Find out tonight on “CSI: Iraq”
January 28, 2003 08:34 AM

Congrats to Caleb Nelson on winning $1300 from Ben Stein
January 27, 2003 10:48 AM

I only have “really adequate” bowls.
January 25, 2003 01:09 PM

C P&T:BS! OK?
January 24, 2003 08:38 AM

Name That Dune
January 23, 2003 09:50 AM

Oh, really?
January 22, 2003 10:35 AM

“there’s a guy who’s been awake since the second world war …”
January 21, 2003 10:45 AM

Spell-check replaces “Osbournes” with “obscureness”
January 20, 2003 11:01 AM

Maybe even a half-groban and a homgumbel for the East German judges
January 18, 2003 11:28 AM

Wunderbar!… oops, Wonderbra!
January 17, 2003 02:15 PM

Nwaogwugwu? No thanks, I’m giving it up for Lent.
January 16, 2003 07:59 AM

Just sing …
January 15, 2003 09:10 AM

Touch me in the morning.
January 14, 2003 10:26 AM

While Lola heads straight for Dick Clark’s leg
January 13, 2003 09:11 AM

Danza Fever
January 11, 2003 06:11 PM

Call him Dan.
January 10, 2003 09:44 AM

Pop. Six. Squish. Uh uh. Cicero. Lipschitz!
January 9, 2003 10:16 AM

Search This!
January 8, 2003 11:53 AM

“Kofi Talk” with your host Paul Baldwin
January 7, 2003 09:33 AM

It’s a dream come true
January 6, 2003 10:55 AM

But he says his stomach hurts and he’s seeing spots
January 3, 2003 10:58 AM

“Love Theme From ‘Booty Call’”
January 2, 2003 03:02 PM

Why I’ve never before made football picks
December 31, 2002 12:20 PM

Cough, wheeze … sleep
December 30, 2002 04:34 PM

Alleged Allegories
December 28, 2002 02:25 PM

Lord of the Ring Around the Rosie O’Donnell
December 27, 2002 09:19 AM

All I want for Christmas is a throat infection
December 26, 2002 12:14 PM

And U-Haul, a Good Night!
December 24, 2002 11:00 AM

For naughty kids, he’s a coal porter.
December 23, 2002 09:09 AM

Stolen Winter
December 21, 2002 10:03 AM

No Does
December 20, 2002 10:21 AM

It was either that, or get a blood transfusion from RuPaul
December 19, 2002 11:01 AM

John Cusack for President, 2004!
December 18, 2002 12:25 PM

“You can follow me wherever I go.”
December 17, 2002 12:12 PM

A very good new reason not to shop at Target
December 16, 2002 10:09 AM

Escape from the North Pole!
December 14, 2002 12:58 PM

What, they couldn’t get Zach Galifianakis?
December 13, 2002 12:24 PM

Red Rum! Red Rum!
December 12, 2002 10:39 AM

Now where did I put my chainsaw?
December 11, 2002 10:57 AM

Gloom, despair, and agony on me
December 10, 2002 11:04 AM

What do Iraqi children leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve?
December 9, 2002 01:34 PM

do whack a doo
December 7, 2002 10:02 AM

I’d like to thank all the little people. Particularly the Munchkins.
December 6, 2002 03:19 PM

We is in touch, so you be in touch, dog! Peace out.
December 5, 2002 12:23 PM

I Rotisserie on Your Grave!
December 4, 2002 10:10 AM

Is his name Howard?
December 3, 2002 11:48 AM

That’s Liza with a “Z,” for “Zip it!”
December 2, 2002 12:53 PM

It’s beginning to look too much like…
November 30, 2002 09:46 AM

Escape from Giblet Mountain!
November 29, 2002 04:07 PM

Does Alan Alda celebrate with M*A*S*H potatoes?
November 28, 2002 11:04 AM

Remote Williams, the Adventure Begins.
November 27, 2002 01:23 PM

What are you, nuts?
November 26, 2002 01:18 PM

Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
November 25, 2002 07:29 AM

Voted People Magazine’s least sexy TVBarn personality
November 23, 2002 10:42 AM

Fat Jesus
November 22, 2002 09:54 AM

Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle. (No, not Victoria’s Secret models.)
November 21, 2002 08:01 AM

Aaron’s Way
November 20, 2002 09:09 AM

No, he doesn’t die next week either.
November 19, 2002 11:46 AM

Harry Potter and the Kidney’s Stone
November 18, 2002 03:57 PM

Tinsel already?
November 17, 2002 06:02 PM