Canadian Food Network commits health violations galore

Jul 2, 2004 18:15 ET

Broadcasting & Cable Magazine Asks: ‘Health Warnings’ for Canadian Food Network?

NEW YORK, July 2 /PRNewswire/ — If Food Network Canada were a restaurant, it would be racking up fines for health violations at an average rate of 14 per hour, according to Broadcasting & Cable magazine.

In next week’s issue, the industry watchdog reports on a study by food safety researchers at Canada’s University of Guelph [or should that be “Gulp?”] that found chefs on FNC “constantly violate the most basic rules” on their shows.

“One chef’s knife doubled as a fly swatter” on his show; another “squeezed a lemon with his teeth,” reports B&C.

To be fair to the great chefs of Canada, most of the programming on that country’s version of our own Food Network are produced south of the border in the U.S.

What’s next, asks Max Robins, Editor-In-Chief of Broadcasting & Cable [http://www.broadcastingcable.com]/ — “health warnings” between shows?

Source: Broadcasting & Cable Magazine

Fantasia debuts at No. 1, a Billboard first

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Fantasia debuts at No. 1, a Billboard first

‘Amazing’ day for new shows

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‘Amazing’ day for new shows

Primetime Monday Ratings: Score One For the Eye Net

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Primetime Monday Ratings: Score One For the Eye Net

3 Bodies Found on Donaldson Ranch in N.M.

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3 Bodies Found on Donaldson Ranch in N.M.

Reruns Top New Shows During Slow TV Week

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Reruns Top New Shows During Slow TV Week

Gay-Marriage Debate Fuels Showtime Drama

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Gay-Marriage Debate Fuels Showtime Drama

‘Scotty’ Has Alzheimer’s, Agent Says

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‘Scotty’ Has Alzheimer’s, Agent Says

WE Nabs Rerun Rights to ‘Boston,’ ‘Dharma’

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WE Nabs Rerun Rights to ‘Boston,’ ‘Dharma’

Valley Makes ‘Legal’ Maneuver for Kelley

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Valley Makes ‘Legal’ Maneuver for Kelley

Well, here’s one person who liked “Spider-Man: The ‘67 Collection” DVD

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Well, here’s one person who liked “Spider-Man: The ‘67 Collection” DVD

Mammon meets Mormon

LOS ANGELES—From my hotel room she could easily be mistaken for that symbol of freedom in New York Harbor, except that this is Los Angeles, and my view is not from Battery City but Century City, and that beacon in the night is none other than the angel Moroni, positioned atop the Los Angeles Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, on Santa Monica Boulevard.

I find it amusing that this symbol of religious vision and (given its prime location) prosperous Christianity keeps vigil over West L.A., of all places. But I’m sure I’ll get used to it. I’ll be here for the next two weeks for the TV industry’s semi-annual dog-and-pony show, sponsored by the Television Critics Association. For you longtime readers, this is the first one I’ve attended since 1998 and the first to be chronicled on TV Barn.

***

This is the new-look TV Barn. Some of you were no doubt wondering when I would once again start fiddling with the look of the site. I’ve been wanting to for months, but I’ve had no time. Jay Rubin finished that logo for me in January after several weeks of back and forth; since then it’s just been sitting on the shelf, awaiting placement.

***

I flew to L.A. aboard Frontier Airlines, which offers DirecTV in-flight, much like JetBlue. Unlike JetBlue, Frontier charges for the service. The procedure, as I observed from watching my seatmates, was this:

1. You give an attendant $5 (exact change is preferred).
2. The attendant hands you something that looks very much like a credit card and asks you to slide it through the reader in the seatback in front of you. Perhaps in version 2.0 the card reader will read actual credit cards.
3. The five-inch TV screen next to the card reader switches from the navigational map to CNN Headline News. You change the channel using the familiar armrest controls.

The quality of the screens varied greatly; mine was rather dim, and had some flicker. Another thing is, as anyone who has flown Frontier or JetBlue knows, the navigational show is nearly as compelling as anything on TV. I found myself looking up from my reading every few minutes to check our speed (497 mph …. 506 mph … 499 mph …) and altitude (we climbed to 31,000 feet over Kansas, then upgraded to 41,000 through the Mountain time zone).

A mother and son sitting next to me could not get the TV to work. They speak very little English between them, and it was 20 minutes before they could collar an attendant and re-swipe her magic card. They watched TV without either one wearing headphones, which I guess works if (as they were) you’re watching monkeys on the Discovery Channel.

After a few minutes, though, I noticed they got a message:
Due to Normal Aircraft Movement Programming Is Temporarily Unavailable.

And Frontier charges for the privilege of watching that. No wonder they’re profitable.

Which way is up?

A) “Crossfire”
B) “Extreme Ghostbusters”
C) “Gladiators 2000”
D) “Jep!”
E) “Wheel of Fortune 2000”

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, July 10-11, 2004
All times Eastern
For PBS programs, check local listings

I TOLERATE THE NINETIES
Which ’90s series inflicted the computer-generated “Cyber Lucy” upon viewers?

A) “Crossfire”
B) “Extreme Ghostbusters”
C) “Gladiators 2000”
D) “Jep!”
E) “Wheel of Fortune 2000”

[Skip the chips and flip to the bottom of the column for the answer.]

=

SATURDAY
“Guts & Bolts” (6:30 p.m., History) witnesses the demolition of Veterans Stadium.

Linda and the “House Invaders” (8 p.m., BBC America) create magic in a bedroom, and add new life to a living room.

“Cops” (8 p.m., Fox) spring drug stings and charge a tow truck driver with lap dance extortion.

Ray Liotta and Jason Patric are bad cop, worse cop in “Narc” (8 p.m., Showtime).

What can we say about “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (8 p.m., HBO) but “Sorry, Charlie”?

Denver Alameda East recalls their twenty most unusual on “Emergency Vets” (8 p.m., Animal Planet).

“Ride With FunkMaster Flex” (8 p.m., Spike) takes on Ashanti’s Jaguar.

Will the menfolk need to get out their tools during the Craftsman Truck Series (8 p.m., Speedvision)?

Return to the early ’90s and pretend “Sisters” is on as Patricia Kalember stars in “Fatal Lessons: The Good Teacher” (8 p.m., Lifetime).

Sequins go flying as “Clean Sweep” (8 p.m., TLC) tries to drastically decrease a disco diva’s den of dreck.

George Costanza’s teenage son becomes the “Rave Master” (8:30 p.m., Cartoon Network) of his domain. “It was a ‘Game Pro’ magazine!”

The murderer of one of Jessica Lynch’s Marine rescuers is one of “America’s Most Wanted” (9 p.m., Fox).

“Crime and Punishment” (9 p.m., NBC) talks about Fight Club. Tyler Durden is not gonna like this at all.

There’s a “Big Beef Battle” (9 p.m., Food) in Fort Worth, Texas.

“Down to Earth” (9 p.m., Discovery Science) explores an undersea wreck.

“Great Outdoors” (9 p.m., Travel) visits Hawaii. Great.

“Yuyu Hakusho” (9:30 p.m., Cartoon Network) succumbs to Toguro’s Desire, and we all know what that means.

Can “48 Hours Mystery” (9:30 p.m., CBS) solve the murder of an 11-year-old boy’s parents … now that he’s 31?

“Missing” (10 p.m., Lifetime) drops “1-800” from its title and gains costars Vivica A. Fox and Mark “Mr. Kelly Ripa” Consuelos as the psychic search begins for a missing teen.

“Dragonball GT” (10 p.m., Cartoon Network) faces a curtain call. Will the material be shredded or worn?

The life of a Dallas man’s wife stops on a dime after she’s poisoned via arsenickelodeon on “City Confidential” (10 p.m., A&E).

Namibian tribal elders won’t give a dam the water rights it seeks on “Ends of the Earth” (10 p.m., Travel).

“Awesomely Bad Hair ‘04” (10 p.m., VH1) stresses over messy tresses.

“Science of the Deep” (10 p.m., Discovery Science) swims with the fishes.

Coming back from seeing Will Ferrell’s “Anchorman”? Top the evening off with “Old School” (10 p.m., HBO).

“Gundam Seed” (10:30 p.m., Cartoon Network) sees stars falling in space — and that’s just the careers of the cast of “Star Trek: Enterprise.”

ATHLETIC SUPPORT
* U.S.A. vs. Hungary Water Polo (10 a.m., USA).
* The U.S. Olympic trials (8 p.m., NBC) continue the run, jump and/or throw.

DOUBLE FEATURE DU JOUR
“On the Waterfront” & “The Wild One” (8 & 10 p.m., TCM). He coulda been whaddaya got.

TELE+GEBRA
“Punk’d” + “Animal Crackups” = “Skunked TV” (11 a.m., NBC), as silly rabbits play tricks on kids.

=

SUNDAY
Mario Cuomo tells “Why Lincoln Matters” and G. Gordon Liddy discusses presidential scandals, not that he’d know anything (wink wink) on “Hard Target” (11:30 a.m., History).

“The Cutters” give a fan’s eye view of the “Tour de France” from “The Roadside Tour” (5 p.m., Outdoor Life).

“WWE Sunday Night Heat” (7 p.m., Spike TV) counts down to Vengeance.

Track and field trials continue (7 p.m., NBC).

A baby shower leads to the revelation of another woman’s pregnancy on “American Family” (7 p.m., PBS).

John Kerry and John Edwards discuss their decades long collaboration as “They Might be Giants” on “60 Minutes” (7 p.m., CBS).

Zippy the Pinhead isn’t alone. “Program About Unusual Buildings and Other Roadside Stuff” (8 p.m., PBS) also takes pride in “art” like Long Island’s Big Duck, South Dakota’s Corn Palace, and Mammy’s Cupboard in Mississippi.

Tom Brokaw returns to Iraq to report on the process “Between War & Peace” (8 p.m., Discovery).

“The Crocodile Hunter” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) learns why Sri Lanka ranks #1 in death by snakebite, and tries adding one to their total for the year.

Synchronized non-drowning is up next on the “U.S. Olympic Trials” (8 p.m., NBC).

“Emeril” (8 p.m., Food) gets beefed up with London Broil, homemade steak sauce, beef stew, fried grits, prime rib, and T-bone steaks.

“National Geographic’s Ultimate Explorer” (8 p.m., MSNBC) dives for the Confederate submarine “CSS H.L. Hunley.”

One of our anthropologists is missing. Is he “A Thief of Time” (“Masterpiece Theatre,” 9 p.m., PBS)? Yes, according to Tony Hillerman.

Lions and tigers (but not bears) are among the warriors put to the test for the title of the ultimate hunter on “Big Cat Challenge” (9 p.m., Animal Planet).

“Unwrapped” (9 p.m., Food) heads to Hollywood for cookies of the stars’ faces, and Tinseltown’s best hot dogs.

“Coupling” (9 p.m., BBC America) wraps up its season by making one couple a trio.

Nate seeks help from a psychic, and Ruth learns the truth about the fecal mater on “Six Feet Under” (9 p.m., HBO).

A.D.D. and a bodybuilder’s Caesarean section are this week’s dose of “Strong Medicine” (9 p.m., Lifetime).

Two men propose on “Queer as Folk” (10 p.m., Showtime). Will their beloveds accept, and will the U.S. recognize more than one marriage?

The “Secret Life of … Popcorn” (10 p.m., Food) delivers its kernels of trivia in a jiffy.

“Curious World” (10 p.m., Discovery Science) probes the technological advances included at Safeco Field.

An old friend’s accused of A Crime She Did Not Commit on “Wild Card” (10 p.m., Lifetime).

A young lion goes from Disney cute to lethal predator as an “African King” (10 p.m., Animal Planet).

The “Top 5” (10:30 p.m., Food) movie treats will stick to your television screen.

RENOVATION NATION
* The mothers-in-law would redecorate if only they could stop fighting one another on “Makeover Mamas” (6:30 p.m., A&E).
* Will it be more finger-painting, or toejam football? Find out on “Trading Spaces: Family” (7 p.m., TLC).
* A 100-year-old home gets “Designed to Sell” (8 p.m., HGTV) in the new millennium.
* The designers’ homes and families are seen in a non-decorating special: “Trading Spaces: Inside Out” (8 p.m., TLC).
* Adam Carolla searches for the successor to Martha Stewart in the “Great Domestic Showdown” (9 p.m., ABC). See why this was bumped from the May sweeps for more episodes of “Super Millionaire.”
* A self-made woman gets shown “What Not To Wear” (10 p.m., TLC).
* “Building Character” (10:30 p.m., HGTV) renovates a fortune cookie factory, cheese factory and old feed mill.
* “House Detective” (11 p.m., HGTV) investigates the miserable move of a historic house to the riverfront.

TELE-GEBRA
* “The X-Files” x “Taken” + “The Outer Limits” - “Countdown With Keith Olbermann” = “The 4400” (9 p.m., USA).
* “Nip/Tuck” + “The O.C.” - “Special Report With Brit Hume” = “Dr. 90210” (10 p.m., E!).

=

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK
* Mark Consuelos and Monica plug their projects with Regis Philbin and Kelly “Mrs. Mark Consuelos” Ripa.
* Sen. John McCain and Marie Osmond compete to become Barbara Walters’ VP choice on “The View.”

=

CB? YES!
Instead of Vanna White, 1997’s E) “Wheel of Fortune 2000” had the vaguely Latin Lucy turning letters, if not heads. Tanika Ray, the voice of Lucy, can currently been seen on SoapNet’s newsmagazine “Soap Center.”

“Frugal Gourmet” was ruined by “unsubstantiated innuendo”

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“Frugal Gourmet” was ruined by “unsubstantiated innuendo”

NBC’s “fall season” begins Aug. 30

NBC UNFURLS BANNER SEASON IN 2004-05 WITH LATE-SUMMER ROLLOUT OF NEW SERIES FROM AUGUST 30-SEPTEMBER 10 FOLLOWING SUMMER OLYMPICS

Popular Returning Series Also Debut Over Five Weeks Beginning with “Fear Factor” on August 30, “The Apprentice” on September 9 and Continuing Through October 20 with “The West Wing”

BURBANK ˆ July 10, 2004 ˆ NBC breaks the seal on the new Fall season with a late-summer rollout — following the momentum of the 2004 Summer Olympics — paced by the sneak previews and premieres of the new series “Joey,” “Father of the Pride,” “Hawaii,” “LAX” and “Medical Investigation” between August 30-September 10. The announcement was made by Kevin Reilly, President, NBC Entertainment.

“We feel good about our new and returning shows so we want to maximize the positive momentum of the Summer Olympics,” said Reilly. “It makes sense for many reasons and viewers won’t have to wait to catch TV’s new and returning hits.”

The new drama “Hawaii” (Wednesdays, 8-9 p.m. ET) will break out first with a sneak preview on Monday, Aug. 30 (9-10 p.m. ET) and will premiere on Wednesday, Sept. 1 (8-9 p.m. ET). The next new series to be unveiled will be the comedy “Father of the Pride” (Tuesdays, 9-9:30 p.m. ET) with its premiere on Tuesday, Aug. 31 (9-9:30 p.m. ET).

The freshman drama “LAX” (Mondays, 10-11 p.m. ET) will begin with its series premiere on (Labor Day) Monday, Sept. 6 (10-11 p.m. ET). On Thursday, Sept. 9, the much-anticipated comedy “Joey” (Thursdays, 8-8:30 p.m. ET) will debut in its regular day and time while the drama “Medical Investigation” (Fridays, 10-11 p.m. ET) will follow with a special preview that night (10-11 p.m. ET) and will continue with its official premiere the next day on Friday, Sept. 10 (10-11 p.m. ET).

Among the returning series (in chronological order of premieres), the popular reality series “Fear Factor” will launch first on Monday, Aug. 30 (8-9 p.m. ET). The next day on Tuesday, Aug. 31, NBC will begin with “Last Comic Standing” (8-9 p.m. ET; see accompanying release) followed on the same night by the premiere of “Father of the Pride,” 9-9:30 p.m. ET) and the season’s first episode of the critically hailed comedy “Scrubs” (9:30-10 p.m. ET) as it begins its fourth season. This year’s hit “Las Vegas” (which out-stripped all other freshman dramas) gives the wheel a big spin again beginning Monday, Sept. 6 (9-10 p.m. ET).

Meanwhile, “The Apprentice” ˆ last season’s most dominant new series ˆ begins it second year on Thursday, Sept. 9. (8:30-10:00 p.m. ET) It will be followed a week later by the seventh-season debut of the Emmy Award-winning “Will & Grace” on Thursday, Sept. 16 (8:30-9:00 p.m. ET).

NBC will then broadcast the sixth-season premiere of “Law & Order” Special Victims Unit” on Tuesday, Sept. 21 (10-11 p.m. ET); “Law & Order” commences its 15th season on Wednesday, Sept. 22; “ER” begins its 11th turn on Thursday, Sept. 23 (10-11 p.m. ET); “Third Watch” starts its sixth year on the beat Friday, Sept. 17 (9-10 p.m. ET).

On Sunday, Sept. 26, three popular dramas resume on the same day and time with “American Dreams” (8-9 p.m. ET) in its third season, “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (9-10 p.m. ET) in its fourth year, and “Crossing Jordan” (10-11 p.m. ET) also returning for its fourth.

“The West Wing” will begin its sixth-season campaign on Wednesday, Oct. 20 (9-10 p.m. ET).

In addition to NBC’s Fall series programming, “Saturday Night Live” will enter the political fray again with a new primetime edition of its “Saturday Night Live Presidential Bash” on Election Eve, Monday, Nov. 1 (9:30-11 p.m. ET). The special will spoof presidential elections from past and present much like its predecessors in 2000 and 1992.

A calendar of NBC’s Fall 2004-05 premieres follows (previews are indicated in parentheses; new series capitalized; all times ET):

August 30 “Fear Factor” (8-9 p.m.)
(Preview) “HAWAII” (9-10 p.m.)

August 31 “Last Comic Standing” (8-9 p.m.)
“FATHER OF THE PRIDE” (9-9:30 p.m.)
“Scrubs” (9:30-10 p.m.)

September 1 “HAWAII” (8-9 p.m.)

September 6 “Las Vegas” (9-10 p.m.)
“LAX” (10-11 p.m.)

September 9 “JOEY” (8-8:30 p.m.)
“The Apprentice” (8:30-10 p.m.)
(Preview) “MEDICAL INVESTIGATION” (10-11 p.m.)

September 10 “MEDICAL INVESTIGATION” (10-11 p.m.)

September 16 “Will & Grace” (8:30-9:00 p.m.)

September 17 “Third Watch” (9-10 p.m.)

September 21 “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (10-11 p.m.)

September 22 “Law & Order” (10-11 p.m.)

September 23 “ER” (10-11 p.m.)

September 26 “American Dreams” (8-9 p.m.)
“Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (9-10 p.m.)
“Crossing Jordan” (10-11 p.m.)

October 20 “The West Wing” (9-10 p.m.)

Deftly dodging “Idol,” NBC moves “Contender” to Nov.

NBC RINGS THE BELL FOR NOVEMBER PREMIERE DATE FOR NEW UNSCRIPTED SERIES ‘THE CONTENDER’

Competitive Search for Next Boxing Superstar Features Executive Producers Sylvester Stallone, Mark Burnett and Jeffrey Katzenberg

BURBANK ˆ July 10, 2004 ˆ NBC’s “The Contender,” a new unscripted series that will launch a competitive search for the next boxing superstar ˆ and features a golden pedigree of executive producers such as Oscar nominee Sylvester Stallone (“Rocky”), Mark Burnett (NBC’s “The Apprentice,” “Survivor”) and Jeffrey Katzenberg (“Shrek 2”), Co-Principal, DreamWorks SKG — will premiere in November.

The announcement was made by Kevin Reilly, President, NBC Entertainment.

“This exciting new competitive series demonstrates the all-American quest to follow our dreams,” said Reilly. “All of us will see ourselves in these would-be champs who are just looking for a chance to succeed.”

“The Contender” will trace professional boxers through training camp over 15 episodes ˆ and the final victor will win $1 million. The competitive series has completed its nationwide search for contestants

The legendary Stallone received an Oscar nomination for Best Screenwriting and Best Actor for his work in the breakout ˆ and Oscar-winning hit film “Rocky.”

Burnett recently delivered a knockout hit with NBC’s “The Apprentice” (Thursdays, 9-10 p.m. ET) that was the season’s #1 new show among adults 18-49 and total viewers.

Katzenberg and DreamWorks Television also are producing NBC’s new CGI-animated “Father of the Pride” as well as the returning drama hit “Las Vegas.”

“The Contender” will be a joint production of Mark Burnett Productions, DreamWorks Television and Rogue Marble. Burnett is the executive producer.

Tinsel already?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, November 16-17, 2002

All times Eastern

SATURDAY

As non-TV recommendations go, two for your video store would be the underrated “Death to Smoochy” and “Changing Lanes.” I’m still making my way through the (not spectacularly interesting) commentary track by director Danny DeVito on “Smoochy,” but it was a (for the most part) decent Robin Williams flick. This is not to say it didn’t fall apart about 2/3 of the way through, but it makes it a little easier to forget “Bicentennial Man.” “Changing Lanes” is worth a look if only because it’s one of those “meaning of life” movies where people do horrible things to one another, just like in real life. Unlike “K-PAX” or “Signs,” which have both proven to be slight disappointments in my book, there’s no “sci” to match the “fi.” Well, I don’t know that Ben Affleck should still be alive by the time the film ends, but I sense that a more fitting ending was focus-grouped out of existence. “Changing Lanes” should be watched by anyone who’s even considering tuning in to “Touched by an Angel.”

It’s a safe bet that anyone tuning in for “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” (8 p.m., HBO) has already seen it at least once, but they think they’re saving money by taping it tonight.

“Christmas With Tony Bennett: Behind the Scenes” (8 p.m., Hallmark) will likely repeat on the channel a few hundred times over the next month and a half, and by the 68th time, you might actually be interested in celebrating the season.

Probably, Fred Dryer and Stepfanie Kramer have been the only people actually demanding a reunion movie, but “Hunter: Return to Justice” (9 p.m., NBC) works for me.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!

“The District” (9 p.m., CBS): Bob Kerrey’s alleged Vietnam record.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Touched by an Angel” (8 p.m., CBS): Charles Shaughnessy of both “The Nanny” and, currently, “Days Of our Lives.” Plot: Della Reese’s angel starts showing early signs of Alzheimer’s Disease.

“The Agency” (10 p.m., CBS): Tom Arnold. Plot: Arnold plays a thinly veiled Roger Clinton.

POPPED CULTURE

“MADtv”: Mekhi Phifer / The Strokes

“Saturday Night Live” Brittany Murphy / Nelly

SUNDAY

Pat O’Brien gets as real as one can with Eminem on a very special “Dateline” (7 p.m., NBC).

“60 Minutes” (7 p.m., CBS) meanwhile gets real with U.N. weapons homeboy Hans Blix and DJ Bob Woodward about 9/11.

Last year saw Whoopi Goldberg inheriting the powers of the jolly old elf; this (darned early) season it’s Kelsey Grammer as Son of Santa in “Mr. Saint Nick” (7 p.m., ABC). I’m personally waiting for next year’s lame TV-movies with the exact same plot, only starring Larry David and/or Hans Blix.

Fry is reunited with his dead dog, if “Futurama” (7 p.m., Fox) isn’t preempted by Footballrama.

On “American Dreams” (8 p.m., NBC), will America’s cleanest teens take a dive in the big football game and get hopped up on goofballs? Probably not.

Lisa is promoted up to the third grade, while Bart is held back on a “Simpsons” (8 p.m., Fox) that sounds vaguely familiar.

In order to keep other men from hitting on the woman of his dreams, “Becker” (8 p.m., CBS) tells people she’s a lesbian (preempted from last week).

Vampires suck the blood of documentarian Mark Ferns in “Nature: Bloody Suckers” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS). Must be the one week a year in which PBS is not holding a pledge drive.

Carmella and Furio fraternize on “The Sopranos.” (9 p.m., HBO).

A retired cop’s daughter is missing, but “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (9 p.m., NBC) winds up trying to stop a cell of suicide bombers.

Syd has to kill one boss to save the life of her other boss on “Alias” (9 p.m., ABC). Seriously, is she caught up with her college work?

“The Forsyte Saga” draws to a close on “Masterpiece Theatre” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) with only one guarantee: no decapitated heads in bowling bags.

“Zip Code 007” (9 p.m., HGTV) explores the homes/sets traipsed through by the numerous Bonds, James Bonds.

In the conclusion of “Master Spy: The Robert Hanssen Story” (9 p.m., CBS), he gets caught. The end.

“Inside TV Land” (9 p.m., TVLand) tackles homosexuality, alcoholism, bed linens and things no plumber should discuss on “Taboo TV.”

Tonight’s “Angel” (9 p.m., WB) brings the end of the world, yet not the end of the series. Odd, that.

Ritual animal sacrifice is not only the plot of “The Practice” (10 p.m., ABC), it’s how David E. Kelley got “girls club” on the Fox fall lineup.

A deadly two-car accident turns out to have been caused by a third vehicle on “Boomtown” (10 p.m., NBC), leading our detectives into the high stakes world of insurance fraud. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” features new episodes of “Home Movies” (10 p.m.), “Sealab 2021” (11 p.m.), “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” (11:15 p.m.), “The Brak Show” (11:30 p.m.) and “The Ripping Friends” (midnight).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“King of the Hill” (8:30 p.m., Fox): Lucy Liu. Plot: Bobby goes hip hop for Connie’s cousin.

“Malcolm in the Middle” (9 p.m., Fox): Christopher Lloyd. Plot: Respecting your elders’ (money.)

“Curb Your Enthusiasm” (10 p.m., HBO): Richard Lewis, Shelley Berman, Michael York, Louis Nye, Paul Dooley, Ian Gomez, Paul Willson. Plot: Larry’s restaurant opens, as the season closes.

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK

* Regis and Kelly eat breakfast with Bill Cosby. Mmmmmm, bacon-flavored Pudding Pops.

* Dean Cain, Tyra Banks, Monica Mitro and Ashanti take on “The View” in a game of rugby.

* Alec Baldwin and Daniel Radcliffe compare wizard scars on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Wayne Brady has a full couch with the likes of “President” Dennis Haysbert, Emma Watson, Danica McKellar and Ben Folds.

Harry Potter and the Kidney’s Stone

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, November 18, 2002

All times Eastern

Why do I get the feeling that the huddled masses waiting for Monday Night Football won’t be tuning in to see Princess Di’s butler on a special “20/20” (8 p.m., ABC)?

Why are the contestants crying in “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) ads? Simple enough answer: tear gas.

Ever considered using your 1990 Mustang GT convertible to mow lawns? If so, “Monster Garage” (8 p.m., Discovery) is unfortunately the right show for you.

Pastor Camden decides to hang up his collar after someone accidentally calls him “Mr.” Camden on “7th Heaven” (8 p.m., WB). Perhaps he just needs to get some St. John’s Wort?

After a rapid nervous breakdown this season, “Boston Public” (8 p.m., Fox) finally gets rid of Harry Senate (actor Nicky Katt).

Matt LeBlanc inherits the powers of Hanukkah in a very special TV movie, Mr. Han … oh wait, there are no tasteless Hanukkah movies. Never mind.

“Ken Burns American Stories” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) offers a two-part repeat of last year’s Mark Twain special, as Burns continues to underrate the brilliance of the author’s wife Shania.

“Monday Night Football” (9 p.m., ABC) presents an NFC match-up as Chicago Bears arms while trying to get St. Louis’s goat(s). It’s the 85th all-time meeting between the two teams with Chicago leading the series 48-33-3.

They’re not necessarily bloopers or funny videos, but one thing’s for sure: “Funniest Animal Outtakes” (9 p.m., Fox) will not contain as much ibex as it should.

Russian mobsters remember where they were on 9/11 while several buildings go up in flames and an officer is taken hostage on A Very Special “Third Watch” (9 p.m., NBC).

Father and son continue to battle on “Everwood” (9 p.m., WB), with son threatening to move back to New York with his grandparents. But since they’re only listed as guest stars, that’s probably not what the writers have in mind.

Bravo voice-over king Fisher Stevens temporarily jumps artsy networks to host the debut of Trio’s “The Moth” (9 p.m.), a ripoff of IFC’s “Dinner for Five.”

“Top 5” (9:30 p.m., Food Network) offers a menu of the World’s Stickiest Foods, including marshmallow dipped peanut butter fudge.

CBS has decided we’ve had enough time to recover from the actions of John Lee Malvo and John Allen Muhammad and we can now enjoy the sniper episode of “CSI: Miami” (10 p.m.) as high-quality nonexploitative entertainment.

“Animal Cops” (10 p.m., Animal Planet) trails the team of the Michigan Humane Society investigators as they arrest trailer park denizens abusing their dogs, lizards, armadillos and geckos.

CBS BS

“King of Queens” (8 p.m.) and wife double date, Robert has an odd new date on “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m.), and the mom on “Still Standing” (9:30 p.m.) wants to hold a “family night,” so nobody can go out on a date.

UPN-SANITY

“The Parkers” (8 p.m.) run out of gas, the dad on “One on One” (8:30 p.m.) buys a car that’s also a lemon, one “Girlfriends” (9 p.m.) biological mother comes to town, and the women of “Half and Half” (9:30 p.m.) pretend to be interesting to hang out with one another’s friends.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Yes, Dear” (8:30 p.m., CBS): Heidi Klum. Plot: The famous chefs of Europe are stalking Heidi Klum.

“Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC): Mariel Hemingway. Plot: When in ratings trouble, add lesbianism. Hemingway plays gay once again as a lesbian shock jock whose girlfriend is murdered.

TALK TALK

* Ja Rule is up in the hizzouse (whatever that means) on “Ja Daily Show.”

* Tenor Andrea Bocelli and conductor Lorin Maazel get high with Charlie Rose.

* “Bachelor” Aaron Buerge tells Pamela Anderson he found her audition tape too darn late, and Busta Rhymes offers to perform at the wedding that will never happen on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

* Kevin James, “Survivor” loser Ken Stafford and Matchbox Twenty will be just as interesting on the radio feed of the “Late Show With David Letterman.”

* Craig Kilborn ogles Amy Brenneman, guffaws at Cedric the Entertainer, and reacts however one should to 3 Doors Down.

TUESDAY MORNING

* Regis and Kelly know who Gisele Bundchen and Elisha Cuthbert are, while I’m just happy to recognize the name Kevin James.

* Avril Lavigne offers to replace Lisa Ling on “The View.”

* Caroline Rhea thinks Dean Cain is just super, but could go for a little less Alanis Morissette.

* Amy Brenneman, Jackie Guerra and O-Town become the latest guests on “The Wayne Brady Show” to hope they were really on “The Jamie Kennedy Experiment.”

No, he doesn’t die next week either.

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, November 19, 2002

All times Eastern

“Buffy” (8 p.m., UPN) fights with Spike. Well, it is that time of the month … sweeps!

Rory absolutely must go to Hahvahd, which is why her meddlesome grandfather insists on having her meet with the dean of admissions at Yale on “Gilmore Girls” (8 p.m., WB). Sinbad’s apparently still hanging around Hillman, scaring off incoming freshman with his bleached ‘fro.

“Survivor”-ish alliances are made on “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” (8 p.m., ABC) when the fate of a family vacation lies in the hands of whomever can give up one of their bad habits for a full week.

“That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox) prepares to become “Undeclared” as the kids pick colleges. Will star-crossed lovers Eric-o and Donna-et be torn asunder, or will separate colleges force them into breaking up?

In the next week the average third grader will probably be learning most of the trivia contained in “Turkey Secrets” (8 p.m., Animal Planet). Then again, I don’t think anyone remembers being all that average in the third grade. At least my invisible friend Barnaby never thought I was.

NBC’s “Just Shoot Me” (8 p.m.), “In-Laws” (8:30) and “Hidden Hills” (9:30) are better off left unwatched and undescribed.

“Grounded for Life” is preempted and heading to the WB network as a possible companion to “Reba.”

Is Sophocles now writing “24” (9 p.m., Fox)? Jack’s previous mission ended in the death of his wife, and last week he wound up inadvertently sending his daughter to a building he then helped blow up. (Sigh.) From 11 a.m. to noon, the reasonably unscathed Kim learns more horrific details about the wife-beater whose daughter she’s now charged with kidnapping; the President learns who he can’t trust; Mason takes out his anger on his underlings once again; and Jack may have an important new bit of information relatively early in the season. Will anyone take time to eat in this or the next show?

Niles doesn’t die tonight on “Frasier” (9 p.m., NBC).

PBS starts a two-part tribute to “Benjamin Franklin” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) just in time for Brazilian Flag Day.

“The New TNN” prepares to show most of the Bond collection AS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE! (With annoying not-quite-letterboxed bars and whirling advertising bugs for “Slamball!”) Halle Berry and Pierce Brosnan are contractually involved in the mess, cohosting three nights’ worth of “Bond for the 21st Century.” First up, “From Russia With Love” (9 p.m.). Wednesday brings “The Spy Who Loved Me,” while Thursday reminds us that 007 is “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.” Same Bond Time for all.

The other successful VH1 series, “Driven” (9 p.m), returns for season three with a not-all-that-exclusive look behind the caterwauling of the Dixie Chicks.

On “NYPD Blue” (10 p.m., ABC), the diary of a murdered underage 15th Precinct auxiliary is filled with sexual details about her coworkers that would make Laura Palmer blush. Please, let her not have a Sipowicz fetish.

Aren’t we tired of the McCaughey septuplets yet? “Dateline” (10 p.m. NBC) naturally answers “NO!”, “NO!”, “NO!”, “NO!”, “NO!”, “NO!” and “well, maybe.”

PEDOPHILIA PLOT OF THE WEEK

“The Guardian” (9 p.m., CBS) also tackles a death penalty case involving a dog, but doesn’t one tune to CBS for child molestation and murder?

I.T.E.T.C.E.! U.,O.C., I.D.!*

On “Judging Amy” (10 p.m., CBS), a fake school bombing by an Afghanistani 14-year-old isn’t the important plot; that would be the multiple-episode stalking arc.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“According to Jim” (8:30 p.m., ABC): Chris Elliot. Plot: Dodge ball. Yes, I’m deadly serious, like the average episode of this sitcom.

“Life With Bonnie” (9 p.m., ABC): David Duchovny. Plot: Bonnie’s egotistical weatherman returns to promote his appearance on a soap opera. Will his character be sharper now that the writing staff who created it has been fired?

“Smallville” (9 p.m., WB): Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Plots: You know the Coors Light commercials with a horrible version of Tom T. Hall’s “I Love” that end with the crazed line “and I love twins”? Let’s just say that two JTT’s are more trouble than they’re worth. Plus, Lex goes all Jack Nicholson on someone’s car with a golf club.

“Less Than Perfect” (9:30 p.m., ABC): Cindy Williams, Martin Mull. Plot: Parents are met; Mull tries to think of how he can be written into episodes of “According to Jim” and “8 Simple Rules …”

TALK TALK

- After his live outdoor concert appearance on “The Today Show,” Al Gore continues his plan to assimilate the universe with segments on “Larry King Live” and with fellow Borg member Charlie Rose.

- Representative Harold Ford tells “The Daily Show” that nobody’s tried to drive him lately. (Memo to the fine folks at Ford: Gosh, your Land Rovers are well crafted vehicles that everyone in the Western hemisphere deserves to own.)

- In other transportation news, CART auto racing champion Christiano Da Matta tries to wide Shania Twain, while Dave spins his wheels with Heidi Klum. (Credit/blame for Shania Twain reference goes to comedian Bill Frenzer.)

- David Copperfield tries his darndest to make Chris Matthews disappear on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

- “Nightline UpClose” begins a two-part interview with Montgomery County Police Chief Charles Moose. Given that he told us nothing during the weeks of the sniper case, this could either be fascinating or actually make us long for “The Jimmy Kimmel Show.”

- Craig Kilborn finds a sexy photo of “King of Queens” costar Leah Remini, with her mouth closed.

- Colossal “Late World” failure Zach Galifiniakis resurfaces on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.” Ah, but you’re much more interested in guest Tyra Banks.

- John Cleese teaches Carson Daly the proper way to mispronounce the name of the band Good Charlotte.

WEDNESDAY-TIME PREVIEW

- Hulk Hogan delivers the best outdoor concert ever featured on “The Today Show.”

- Michael Caine hits on Halle Berry, while Regis and Kelly try and figure out who John Rzeznik is.

- Jane Seymour shows the ladies of “The View” the latest ways to play doctor.

- Jeremy Northam, Jerry O’Connell and “Survivor” loser Ken Stafford tempt Caroline Rhea.

- The cast of “Mamma Mia!” manages to dress even weirder than Wayne Brady.

- A fake psychic deals with haunted furniture on “The Montel Williams Show.”

- Oprah welcomes misunderstood sister girlfriend Mariah Carey. Give it up for her and all she’s been through. Woooooh!

* IT’S THE EPISODE THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING! UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT DOESN’T.

Aaron’s Way

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, November 20, 2002

All times Eastern

The new “Pyramid” (syndicated, check local listings) ends its first tournament with one player guaranteed to take home $100,000.

“Bernie Mac” (8 p.m., Fox) a) embarrasses his daughter-like niece at school by b) dancing in generic sitcom plots #200 and #565.

If you’re late hopping on the “SpongeBob SquarePants” bandwagon, catch the pilot tonight (8 p.m., Nickelodeon). It’s indescribable.

If other liquids whet your whistle, Puddle of Mudd is performing “Live From the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” (8 p.m., MTV) as part of the network’s long list of acts that will likely never be inducted in the Hall itself.

“Titanic’s Ghosts” are identified on “Secrets of the Dead” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) as a DNA test puts a name to a toddler found floating in Atlantic after the ship hit the fan.

Tests are flunked and unrequited loves become jealous on “Dawson’s Creek” (8 p.m., WB).

“The Amazing Race 3” (8 p.m., CBS) treks to an earlier hour for a week as the teams head from Marrakesh to Austria via Munich … except, perhaps, for the group that falls asleep on a train.

Should we worry that “Emeril” (8 p.m., Food Network) has already started cooking his “Thanksgiving Feast,” or just use it as an excuse to sign up for the Atkins diet?

The “Enterprise” (8 p.m., UPN) goes OCD at warp 6.

“George Lopez” (8:30 p.m., ABC) has to give his daughter “the sex talk” and a child is used to woo single moms in generic sitcom plots #336 and #997.

“The Bachelor II” (9 p.m., ABC) astonishes everyone by proposing to Richard Hatch.

“The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” (9 p.m., CBS) promises a display of holiday lingerie. But how many of these silk undergarments are proper attire for celebrating Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa?

Will the president allow an Iranian ayatollah’s son entry to the U.S. for lifesaving surgery on “The West Wing” (9 p.m., NBC)? Maybe.

“Birds of Prey” (9 p.m., WB) might have done better if the network had established a full DC superhero night and paired the girls with “Smallville.” It was canceled yesterday, so tonight’s airing is possibly your last shot at seeing an admittedly flawed series that may well have been up to snuff by the end of a full season. The team fights a baddie who targets foolish women in love. No, not the Bachelor.

“Benjamin Franklin” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) tackles the last 14 years of his life, which only a horrible punster would call the key ones. Fortunately, I’m able to resist jokes like that.

Love is in the air for grade-Z actors trapped in “The Twilight Zone” (9 p.m., UPN) as Wallace Langham gets advice from a talking doll voiced by Pat O’Brien, and the soft-core Elizabeth Berkley and Rob Estes step in and/or fall in love.

The staff of “60 Minutes II” (10 p.m., CBS) draws straws to see who has to interview rapper Jay-Z.

Who slew the lawyer of an acquitted cop killer on “Law & Order” (10 p.m., NBC)? Was it a) an underpaid surrealist b) a white supremacist or c) an overworked copy editor?

“CIA Secrets: Stealing Secrets” (10 p.m., Discovery) looks at how America’s master spies occasionally get clues.

Everything icky that’s ever happened to Halle Berry is “Revealed With Jules Asner” (10 p.m., E!).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“My Wife and Kids” (8 p.m., ABC): Claudette Ortiz of musical group City High. (No, I’ve never heard of her either.) Plot: His wife dreams he’s having a torrid affair with Janet Jackson, while one of his kids asks two girls to the same school dance in generic sitcom plot #472.

“Ed” (8 p.m., NBC): Kelly Ripa. Plot: Ed and Carol are forced to make up, which nullifies the entire season that had the Clem Snide theme.

“Fastlane” (9 p.m., Fox): Robert Forster, Iggy Pop. Plot: Prison break and counterfeiting.

TALK TALK

* Hillary Clinton chats with Chris Matthews and a college audience on “Hardball.”

* Catherine Crier pretends to be funny on “The Daily Show.”

* Bill Maher chats with Charlie Rose about his book and new HBO gig.

* The Official Osbourne Overexposure begins anew on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

* Adam Sandler acts like a sober Tom Green on the “Late Show With David Letterman.”

* Tom Arnold and Craig Kilborn leer at female audience members.

* Along with a musical performance by Steve Earle, Conan O’Brien welcomes Harry Shearer, Nancy Cartwright, Dan Castellaneta and a real cartoon character — Tom Brokaw.

* Carson Daly flips halfway through his Rolodex™ to book Jerry O’Connell and Ja Rule.

THURSDAY MORNING

* Regis and Kelly are entertained and/or appalled by Craig David and Adam Sandler.

* “The Bachelor” gets the third degree from “The View” as the last woman to be dumped auditions to replace Lisa Ling.

* Caroline Rhea asks “The Bachelor” why he never called her back, while Zach Braff accidentally combs his hair with a leaf blower.

* David Copperfield offers to do the impossible and cut Wayne Brady’s audience in half.

Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle. (No, not Victoria’s Secret models.)

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, November 21, 2002

All times Eastern

Yadda yadda treachery, betrayal, more contestants trampling sacred hunting grounds, it’s the thrill-packed tenth episode of “Survivor: Thailand” (8 p.m., CBS).

“Charlie Brown” (8 p.m.) and “Winnie the Pooh” (8:30 p.m.) both celebrate Thanksgiving on ABC. I kinda miss the Garfield Thanksgiving special myself.

The WB skips its sitcom/hidden camera lineup to present the Kate Hudson teen thriller “Gossip” (8 p.m.).

The only one who legally can (outside Vermont) prepares to wed on “Will & Grace” (8:30 p.m., NBC), can we expect Ed to ride up on a horse and save her? A clip fest follows the hour-length 100th episode at 9:30 p.m..

The Playboy Channel presents a film called “Gladiator” (9 p.m.) which seems not to be the version with Russell Crowe. Hmmmmm.

“Frontline” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) goes “In Search of Al Qaeda” in the aftermath of US bombings, attempting to find out what actually happened to all of the enemy soldiers.

“Stupid Behavior Caught on Tape” (9 p.m., Fox) sounds like it could easily have someone accepting a marriage proposal from some banker you’ve only known on a reality show for six weeks.

“20/20” (9 p.m., ABC), which seems to be trying to have 20 episodes air this month, repeats its earth-shattering interview with Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne.

“PrimeTime Thursday” (10 p.m., ABC) presents the video diaries of a quartet of overweight teen girls, a group of Texas women raped and otherwise (allegedly) abused by a jailor, and the real slim story on overhyped rapper Eminem.

“Unwrapped” (10 p.m., Food Network) looks at the hidden histories of Thanksgiving favorites like cranberry sauce, boxed stuffing mixes, candied yams with mini marshmallows and the Jell-O mold.

A Saudi-Arabian medical intern disappears “Without a Trace” (10 p.m., CBS) after applying to do biochemical research with the CDC. Naturally, he must be a terrorist.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Friends” (8 p.m., NBC): Christina Applegate. Plot: Let’s say Rachel and Ross die. (Do we have to?) Who gets to take care of their demon spawn?

“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (9 p.m., CBS): “In the Bedroom’s” William Mapother. Plot: An unplanned murder occurs during a snuff film.

“ER” (10 p.m., NBC): Sally Field, Tom Everett Scott. Plot: Escape from Chicago!

TALK TALK

* Jesse Ventura and George Clooney talk about kitties on “Listen Up! Charles Barkley With Ernie Johnson.”

* Kevin James offers to night Jon Stewart on “The Daily Show.”

* Bob Woodward gives his view of “Bush at War” to Charlie Rose.

* Ice Cube chills, “The Bachelor” Aaron Buerge spills, and the cast of Broadway’s “Hairspray” trills on “The Late Show With David Letterman.”

* Sean Hayes gets laughs easily, but Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge will wreck your credit if you don’t appreciate his only mildly amusing tales of “Ole and Lena” on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

* Adam Sandler, Matthew Lillard and Jim Gaffigan make Conan O’Brien seem almost normal.

* Seven of 9 (Jeri Ryan) and one of Genesis (Phil Collins) make a “Last Call With Carson Daly.”

FRIDAY MORNING

* Regis and Kelly play host to the suave Pierce Brosnan, debonair Ice Cube, smooth Mark Knopfler, and one of the mob of young actresses named Brittany.

* Caroline Rhea has something for everyone (but mostly housewives) with appearances by Carmen Electra, “Harry Potter” kids Emma Watson & Rupert Grint, and Craig David.

* Wayne Brady has something for fans of Duncan Sheik, and people who tolerate John Stamos, Estelle Harris and Jackie Collins.

Fat Jesus

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, November 22, 2002

All times Eastern

Normally, I’d be suspicious that a documentary titled “The Roswell Crash: Startling New Evidence” (8 p.m.) is airing on the Sci Fi network. But what I really want to know is just how Bryant Gumbel wound up hosting this thing. Was Jonathan Frakes too busy? It’s followed by the absolutely true “Abduction Diaries” (10 p.m.).

Dog eats turkey on “Providence” (8 p.m, NBC) in generic sitcom plot #31.

Parents visit unexpectedly on “What I Like About You” (8 p.m., WB), requiring Val and Holly to pretend they’re still sheepherders before engaging in the Myposian Dance of Joy.

C. Thomas Howell battles “Killer Bees” (8 p.m., PAX) that may have ties to al Qaeda.

The first of two hours of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” (8 p.m., ABC) mocks Thanksgiving, an exploding cake and a fussy infant. It’s followed by a repeat of the “The Greatest Videos of All Time, Vol. 1” (9 p.m.). “The Drew Carey Show” will return November 29th, when it can’t do as much ratings damage.

“Firefly” and “John Doe” have the week off so that Fox can run “Happy Gilmore” (8 p.m.) for the 64th time.

“NOW With Bill Moyers” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) and the New York Times ask whether ad agencies are detrimentally influencing prescription drug research. Also on the broadcast: parallels between the Cuban Missile Crisis and the current situation in Iraq, and a former civil rights activist working to improve the lives of black students by demanding they learn practical math skills.

Undercover officer Cole has sex with a suspect in an Asian gunrunning case on “Robbery Homicide Division” (10 p.m., CBS), which takes frisking just a little too far.

The flick “Catch Me if You Can,” which won’t be opening until Christmas, gets its own informercial from “20/20” (10 p.m., ABC). I’m sure Hugh Downs is planning to tune in to see what Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg’s press agents have pre-approved for Barbara Walters to ask.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Reba” (9 p.m. WB): “Survivor 2” loser Colby Donaldson. Plot: A family reunion in Fisheye Bottom.

“Law & Order: SVU” (10 p.m. NBC): Illeana Douglas. Plot: Did a pair of teens time-travel back to the early 1970s to kill a drug dealer? Bryant Gumbel is on the case!

TALK TALK

* Charlie Rose gets a list of alarmingly bland goals from House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

* Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper give Dwight Yoakam two thumbs up on the “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” while fellow guest Rodney Dangerfield, well, you know.

* Dave asks if Harry Connick Jr. “is something” while Larry Miller is asked for some reason to float.

* LL Cool J aims to satisfy the ladies, while Craig Kilborn drools over model Veronica Varekova.

* Conan O’Brien chills with Ice Cube and heats up with Matchbox Twenty.

* Tom Arnold, Joe Pantoliano, Jeff Ross, Ted Danson and Saliva are guests/roasters on “Last Call With Carson Daly.”

Voted People Magazine’s least sexy TVBarn personality

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, November 23-24, 2002

All times Eastern

It’s not like MTV hasn’t been showing a few hours a day of the Osbournes, but a 10-hour marathon starting at 1 p.m. (repeating Sunday at 2 p.m.) will make it easier to resist buying it later on DVD.

“BattleBots” (8 p.m., Comedy Central) is still on?

You know, you could be out watching Bond 2002 instead of watching “GoldenEye” (8 p.m., NBC), a.k.a. 007 1995.

Tim Blake Nelson’s “O” (8 p.m., HBO), or ” ‘Othello’ in the age of school shootings,” makes its premium cable debut.

“Josh Groban in Concert” is considered to be one of the modern “Great Performances” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS). Wait five years and you’ll think of him as being in the same class as Yanni and John Tesh. No, that wasn’t a compliment.

How naughty are the women of “Cops: Bad Girls Special Edition” (8:30 p.m., Fox)? Hookers, car thieves and armed car thieves on drugs, oh my!

“America’s Most Wanted: America Fights Back” (9 p.m., Fox) heads to Vegas attempting to find some of America’s toughest chicks.

Light welterweights Micky Ward and Arturo Gatti face each other in Atlantic City on the Saturday night fights (9:45 p.m., HBO). Filling out the card is a bout between Erik Morales and Paulie Ayala.

Sigh. The CIA has to rescue one of their own instead of cooking thanksgiving dinner on “The Agency” (10 p.m., CBS). Sure, but they’d have time if they’d planned to prepare Turducken.

The weekend edition of “Newsnight With Aaron Brown” unofficially begins with People Magazine’s “sexiest newscaster” Anderson Cooper helming “CNN Saturday Night” (10 p.m.).

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!

“The District” (9 p.m., CBS): How much more topical can you get than O.J.?

UNNECESSARY CELESTIAL PATROL

“Touched by an Angel” (9 p.m. CBS): Ossie Davis, Keb’ Mo’. Plot: Gabriel and the Angel of Music arrive to help Della Reese battle Alzheimer’s disease.

TRAGEDY TOMORROW

“That ’70s” cast members Mila Kunis, Danny Masterson and Wilmer Valderama are contractually obligated to appear on tonight’s “Mad TV.”

SUNDAY

Can someone please explain to me why “Braveheart” (7 p.m.) is airing on the Sci-Fi Channel?

Size doesn’t matter in the Sunday lineup on the Discovery Channel: “Dwarf: Standing Tall” (7 p.m.), “Big as Life: Obesity in America” (8 p.m.), “Dwarfs: Little People, Big Steps” (9 p.m.) and the transgender documentary “Changing Sexes” (10 p.m.).

NBC repeats “The One After the Super Bowl” from season 2 of “Friends” (7 p.m.) as part of a “Julia Roberts Weekend,” followed by “Runaway Bride” (8 p.m.) and “Erin Brockovich” tomorrow. Does anyone consider Sunday and Monday to be the weekend, though?

“The Wizard of Oz” (8 p.m. WB) returns (sort of) to network television. Be sure to stop your “Dark Side of the Wall” CD during the commercial breaks.

Homer acts like a gigantic boob when Marge gets breast implants on “The Simpsons” (8 p.m, Fox).

“National Geographic Explorer” (8 p.m., MSNBC) searches for Kennedy’s WWII torpedo boat, the PT 109.

Unnecessary sequel “Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure” (8 p.m.) joins the rotation on The Disney Channel.

Mary J. Blige hosts “Staying Alive: The Documentary” (8:30 p.m., MTV), an attempt to help the current MTV generation avoid getting HIV/AIDS.

Turkeys are stolen on “King of the Hill” (8:30 p.m., Fox). It’s not unlike what the WB is doing by adding “Grounded for Life” to its schedule.

“Bubblegum Babylon” (9 p.m., VH1) looks at just what it takes to prefabricate a band. I hope they got a copy of this to P. Diddy before he started his MTV show.

Green Day/Blink 182 imitators Sum 41 perform “Live From CBGB’s” (9 p.m., MTV2).

“Inside TVLand” (9 p.m., TV Land) cops an attitude while examining the medium’s portrayals of police.

Dr. Melfi interprets Tony’s dreams on “The Sopranos” (9 p.m., HBO). This ought to be even weirder than the ones on “Twin Peaks.”

New freshman “Malcolm in the Middle” (9 p.m., Fox) tries to impress chicks by acting dumb. If he’s not careful, that attitude could land him ownership of the Texas Rangers.

The awful awful awful “Gleason” TV movie makes me dread even the thought of “Martin and Lewis” (9 p.m., CBS). Sean Hayes is irritating as Jack; just imagine him as Jerry.

Speaking of tales possibly better left untold, John Ratzenberger of “Cheers” stars in “The Pennsylvania Miners’ Story” (9 p.m, ABC).

A new “juggie” is hired as the clock thankfully ticks down on “The Man Show” (9:30, Comedy Central).

I’ve never considered him a television personality per se, but this doesn’t mean I won’t watch “TV Land Legends: The 60 Minutes Interviews” (10 p.m., TV Land) with Steve Martin.

While HBO waits to start “Project Greenlight 2,” the “Curb/Married Man” time slot is filled with the 100th airing of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” (10 p.m).

The superb “Welcome to Eltingville” (10:30 p.m., Cartoon Network) reairs on the Adult Swim lineup.

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK

* John Leguizamo celebrates his designation of sexiness from People Magazine with an appearance with Regis and Kelly, while Vanessa Carlton does her thang too.

* Judge Judy casts an icy gaze, Michael Crichton talks of dino days, and Nick Carter? He just plays on “The View.”

* Caroline Rhea tells Pierce Brosnan, “It’s a little too early for a martini, unless you add some Yoo-Hoo.”

* Catherine Bell shows off her uniform, Beyonce’s mom Tina Knowles shows off her daughter’s picture, and Tom Arnold just shows up for a taping of “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, November 25, 2002

All times Eastern

The final season of “Win Ben Stein’s Money” begins airing at the ungodly hour of 10:30 a.m. on Comedy Central.

Deafness, racism and sex with teachers make for a pretty normal episode of “Boston Public” (8 p.m., Fox), which is doing just fine without David E. Kelley’s involvement.

The only fear factors on NBC’s lineup are from polluted water and accidentally falling into and being trapped in the Wonderbra of Julia Roberts as “Erin Brockovich” (8 p.m.).

“TVography” (8 p.m., A&E) offers a look at the many years and pulled ears of Carol Burnett, from her days on “The Garry Moore Show” to her own variety series.

“Page to Screen” (8 p.m., Bravo) tackles the numerous problems in turning the “fictional” book “Primary Colors” into a comedy film.

Fans of lavish and gaudy miniseries of the 1980s can relive the dreamy sequins and dream sequences of the six-hour “Scruples” (8 p.m., WE: Women’s Entertainment), starring Lindsay Wagner and Barry Bostwick.

“The Pet Psychic” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) chats with a depressed turkey, a horse with a nagging problem, and a show dog whose owner is obsessed with her pet’s weight. (Hopefully the owner has no real human children to torture.)

An evil pirate attempts to ruin a birthday party in “Rolie Polie Olie: The Great Defender of Fun” (8 p.m., Disney) a two-hour movie based on the preschool series.

Thanksgiving provides nothing but headaches on “Everwood” (9 p.m., WB) since Mom’s not alive to do the cooking.

“Ken Burns American Stories” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) concludes its look at the lecture tour years of Mark Twain.

Nobody on “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS) is willing to tell Mama Barone she needs glasses for fear that Thanksgiving will be ruined. Sure, they’ll just let her misread the recipe and cook the turducken for 43 hours instead of 13.

“Funniest Holiday Moments” (9 p.m., Fox) is one of the rare specials that remembers there’s more than just Christmas to mock, as allegedly unplanned videos of Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day get included with the usual falling Christmas trees and pantsless Clauses. I’m not expecting too many Kwanzaa or Hanukkah clips, though.

“Ronald Reagan: A Legacy Remembered” (9 p.m., History) offers a forum for those who do remember what his accomplishments were.

The 49ers are panning for goals against the Philly brand Cream Cheese Eagles on “Monday Night Football” (9 p.m., ABC).

“CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS) says goodbye to Kim Delaney while investigating the death of a professor found at the end of a hangman’s noose.

“Rank” (10 p.m., E!) claims to have a celeb-picked list of “the twenty best holiday movies.” I hope they’ll be able to resist the pointless ’90s remake of “Miracle on 34th Street.”

“Investigative Reports” (10 p.m., A&E) examines the mentally ill in the criminal-justice system and the sometimes questionable insanity plea.

OFFICIAL OSBOURNES OVEREXPOSURE

Mama Sharon is the subject of “Intimate Portrait” (7 p.m., Lifetime), despite being famous for less than a year.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“The Parkers” (8 p.m., UPN): Shaquille O’Neal. Plot: Locker room hijinks.

“7th Heaven” (8 pm, WB): Usher. Plot: College radio can be fun except when your listeners would rather commit suicide.

“Yes, Dear” (8:30, CBS): Dan Hedaya, Alley Mills, Tim Conway, Vicki Lawrence. Plot: A childbirth reality show. Ick, bring on “Fear Factor.”

“One on One” (8:30 p.m., UPN): Michael Irvin, WWE ‘rassler “The Big Show”. Plot: Flex injures a football player.

“Girlfriends” (9 pm, UPN): John Salley. Plot: Women try to get dates.

TALK TALK

* Oddly, on a night when he’s not competing with “Fear Factor,” Phil Donahue asks his live audience if TV has “gone too far?”

* We get to find out for the first time how well a radio audience enjoys hearing Stupid Pet Tricks on “The Late Show With David Letterman.” There shouldn’t be a problem with Lisa Kudrow and Audioslave.

* Naomi Watts and Tim McGraw wish they had cool nicknames like Benny “Boom Boom” Koske on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

* It’s Craig Kilborn’s turn to chat with Ice Cube, while he’d rather be making eyes at “Becker’s” Nancy Travis.

TUESDAY MORNING

* Drea de Matteo does whatever he/she does while Eve sings for Regis and Kelly.

* Vincent D’Onofrio tries to figure out where Marilu Henner has been on “Law & Order: The View.”

* Andrea Bocelli hits a high note, Jason Sehorn throws a long bomb, and Julianne Moore acts like she’s awake on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Let’s hope Kermit the Frog and Animal Planet’s Jeff Corwin can get along on “The Wayne Brady Show,” or else they’ll get a talkin’ to by Florence Henderson.

What are you, nuts?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, November 26, 2002

All times Eastern

ABC Family is running an eight-hour marathon of “7th Heaven” (3 p.m.) with randomly picked episodes from the first four seasons.

What’s “Uncle Saddam” (7 p.m., Cinemax) really like? Insanely rich with horrible taste and generally a pompous fool, if one believes this documentary. It’s followed at 8:30 by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rae Dawn Chong trying to destroy ousted foreign leader Dan Hedaya’s private army in “Commando.”

Rory and Lorelai make time for four Thanksgiving dinners on “Gilmore Girls” (8 p.m., WB). Looks like they’ll be sleeping through all those early morning bargain sales on Friday.

Eric considers proposing to Donna at the water tower on “That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox), as we’ve been seeing in commercials for over a month now.

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (8 p.m., UPN) asks “Where in the world is Giles?,” a question that would sound much better if sung by Rockapella.

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) looks at the brief and mystifying career of Dr. Phil, followed by a two-hour bio of O-(whoah)-Oprah (9 p.m.).

“The Man Who Would Be Moose” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) presents a Canadian animal behaviorist who dresses up like his prey. Now he just has to find someone who dresses like squirrel, and Boris and I shall be getting rid of them for Fearless Leader.

From noon - 1 p.m. on “24” (9 p.m., Fox), CTU continues to scramble to get the encryption codes; Jack wants off the case, but comes face to face with the woman who murdered his wife; Palmer brings a new man onto his team; and Kim refuses to give up her subplot.

“Driven” (9 p.m., VH1) explores the motivations behind the singing career of … Halle Berry. Huh?

Niles is still not dead on “Frasier” (9 p.m., NBC). Socially? Yes. Physically, no.

Ms. Couric attempts to prove that she’s worth as much money as Baba Wawa with her own series of interview specials called “Katie at Night” (10 p.m., NBC). Up first, not terribly exclusive interviews with Shania Twain, Sharon Stone and George Harrison’s widow Olivia.

Will a quartet of teen rapists be tried as adults on “Judging Amy” (10 p.m., CBS)? Probably.

“The Osbournes ” (10:30 p.m., MTV) attend the MTV Music Awards, the annual White House correspondents dinner, play video games and soak tourists with lawn sprinklers.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” (8 p.m., ABC): Patrick Warburton. Plot: Thanksgiving dinner with another “overprotective psycho dad.”

“Just Shoot Me” (8 p.m., NBC): “Titanic’s” Danny Nucci. Plot: Multiple characters are enthralled by the guest star.

“According to Jim” (8:30 p.m., ABC): Julia Sweeney. Plot: The PTA is not pleased when Jim and Cheryl are caught having sex after hours on the set of their kid’s Thanksgiving play. Look for at least 80 puns involving the word “stuffing.”

“Life With Bonnie” (9 p.m., ABC): Tom Hanks. Plot: While celebrating her 15th wedding anniversary, Bonnie dreams that she is married to Tom Hanks.

TALK TALK

* George Clooney talks to a monkey on “The Late Show,” but that’s backstage with Jack Hanna.

* Jay Leno stops Don Rickles before he can say anything about Regis Philbin, while Enrique Iglesias charms the clothes off women for professional heterosexual transvestite Eddie Izzard to try on.

* Halle Berry, Oliver Hudson and Kelly Rowland do what their agents tell them and visit with Craig Kilborn.

* Caroline Rhea drags herself all the way across the hall to the elevator to guest on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”

WEDNESDAY MORNING

* Esai Morales, Cedric the Entertainer and Wendie Malick banter, promote and/or chat with Regis and/or Kelly.

* George Clooney mentions how much better off he is not doing network TV, while Shelley Long begs him for the Coen brothers’ phone number on “The View.”

* Neil Diamond sings “Sweet Caroline” to Ms. Rhea.

* Marion Ross, Rob Lowe, Eddie Izzard and Kelly Rowland square dance on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Remote Williams, the Adventure Begins.

There is no Remote Patrol for Wednesday November 27, 2002. The RP will perhaps return for Thanksgiving programming.

—Tom

Does Alan Alda celebrate with M*A*S*H potatoes?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, November 28, 2002

All times Eastern

MARA-WANNA?

Sci Fi Network offers 21 hours of Mulder, Scully and the other guy (7 a.m.).

IFC celebrates the day with “Dinner for Five” (8 a.m. today-5:30 a.m. Friday).

Pretend you’re Donz5 by turning on the Trio arts network (if you’re lucky enough to have it) for a four-day marathon of “Late Night With David Letterman” from 8:30 this morning until Sunday, December 1st at 9 p.m. [The full schedule of guests is available at .]

Court TV has booked 20 hours of “NYPD Blue” (9 a.m.).

FX stuffs its schedule with 12 hours of “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” (noon).

I’m told quite a few people are looking forward to a six-hour marathon of “Changing Rooms” (5 p.m., TLC). Those with BBC America on their satellite dishes can watch it for at least an hour or two every day, but the faster-paced original version of “Trading Spaces” is worth a look if only to see that England’s overpaid designers are just as weird as our sadistic ceiling fan stealers.

Game Show Network offers a dubious “Feast of Favorites” marathon of “The Best Game Shows of All Time,” voted on by viewers, which “somehow” includes four original series that have been airing on the network only since April.

PRIME RIBBING

The WB offers the wonderful cartoon “The Iron Giant” (8 p.m.), in which a giant robot is suspicious of men who work for the U.S. government (and this was even before the Patriot Act was passed).

After devouring your turkey, you want to gather your loved ones around the blue glow of the modern hearth and watch dinosaurs eat children, right? “Dinotopia” (8 p.m., ABC), which most people stopped watching after part one of the miniseries, returns on a weekly basis, at least until January. On the debut, people run from the bad dinosaurs while getting practical advice from the good dinosaurs. Every few episodes will deal with the humans trying to get off the island, and I’m really hoping the digital effects crew is not trying to manipulate footage so Phil Silvers can wash up on shore.

Remember how much you were looking forward to the first new Star Wars movie in years? Relive the memories of seeing Jar Jar Binks for the first time with the special Thanksgiving presentation of “Star Wars: Episode 1 — The Phantom Menace” (8 p.m., Fox), now with over an hour of added footage never shown in theaters. No, not movie footage, it’s just commercials for the Friday morning sales at Wal-Mart and J.C. Penney’s.

All the neighborhood kids are staying up late so they can watch Turkeyman fly through the skies in his giant gravy boat, delivering mashed potatoes to all the good children of Earth on the “Rugrats Thanksgivin ….” Okay, just kidding. But it sounds as plausible as any of the other cartoon specials in the next month.

Depending on your PBS affiliate, you might be able to catch a replay of the “Frontline” documentary “Merchants of Cool” (9 p.m.), a cautionary tale of big business’ influence on the American teen, highly recommended by TV Barn’s chief Aaron Barnhart.

A special titled “Faith Hill: When the Lights Go Down” (9 p.m., NBC) can mean only one thing. Garth Brooks was too busy growing facial hair to do a concert.

One great thing about the works of Lennon & McCartney is that they sound wonderful no matter who’s performing them. Tonight, we’re treated to “Elvis Lives” (10 p.m., NBC), a celebration of all the great music written by Elvis. Hmm, that can’t be right. Ohhhh, written for Mr. Presley. Among the people onstage at one point or another: Bono, Tom Petty, Sheryl Crow, No Doubt, Dave Matthews and Britney Spears.

TALK TALK

* Robert Redford and Charlie Rose both use a lotta big words.

* Once again, the Thanksgiving staff party at “The Late Show With David Letterman” may include a birthday cake for Paul Shaffer. Guest Amy Sedaris probably has a tale of some hellish family gatherings, while the Strokes may not care for wings and thighs, but they certainly will be digging into the pile of drumsticks.

* “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” lets Rob Schneider promote his lame “All of Me” ripoff, while some dignity may be salvaged with an Armed Forces talent show.

* Craig Kilborn pretends to pay attention to Kevin James, Molly Sims and Sugarcult.

* Conan O’Brien breaks bread with John Tesh, Sarah Chalke and Chris Robinson.

* Carmen Electra tempts Carson Daly.

FRIDAY MORNING

* Miss Piggy puts Mila Kunis in a choke hold until she lets go of the rhinestone-studded Versace halter top on the wardrobe rack of “Live With Regis and Kelly.”

* Phil Collins sings his latest commercial jingle to the fawning ladies of “The View.”

* Matthew Perry and Julie Bowen are contractually obligated to say nice things about NBC on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

Escape from Giblet Mountain!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol

for Thursday, November 28, 2002

All times Eastern

MARA-WANNA?

TBS presents “24 hours of Clint Eastwood” (6 a.m.) flicks.

The History Channel offers a 12 hour run of “Modern Marvels” (8 a.m.),

from Sherman tanks to the Empire State Building.

TLC scrapes together an 18 hour run of “Junkyard Wars” (9 a.m.)

The “Give Thanks to Dave” marathon continues on Trio.

PRIME TIME

It’s harder to decide which ’70s revival TV movie seems weirder “It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (8 p.m., NBC) or “The Brady Bunch in the White House” (8 p.m., Fox). The Muppets face eviction courtesy of their evil landlord Joan Cusack, while Mr. and Mrs. Brady wind up as President and Vice President. I’m not sure how either setup really fills two hours, but NBC’s pads its special with guest stars including Whoopi Goldberg, David Arquette, Michael Caine, William H. Macy, and Carson Daly amidst plugs for the likes of “Fear Factor.”

If you’re wanting to turn your turkey carcass into soups, salads, puddings, or hand puppets, “Emeril Kicks Up Leftovers” (8 p.m., TV Food Network) is probably the show for you.

The straight-to-video “Cinderella II: Dreams Come True” (8 p.m., Toon Disney) is less a sequel than a series of shorts about how Cindy and the Prince managed not to live happily ever after since being a princess is actually a lot of work. Oh dear, I suppose like talking Barbie, she’s figured out that “math is hard.”

Alan Jackson is begging us to “Let it be Christmas” (8 p.m., CMT), since he’d like you to give the gift of his new CD.

A Bosnian and a Serb are stuck together in a trench in “No Man’s Land” the 2002 Oscar winner for Best Foreign Language Film, (9 p.m., Sundance Channel) which is making its TV debut.

If you’ve already seen George Clooney and Stephen Soderbergh’s remake of “Solaris,” Turner Classic Movies offers the original 1972 version (9:30 p.m.).

Why exactly is “U2’s Beautiful Day” (10 p.m.) concert from Ireland’s Slane Castle airing on CBS? Because the absolutely aimless VH1 is airing high quality material like “19 Funny-Ass Videos” (1 p.m & 8 p.m)

“and who better to act as master of ceremonies than the one, the only, Tom Arnold?” Answer: just about anyone else.

Having temporarily run out of hot celebrities to “get” “20/20” (10 p.m., ABC) returns to its other standby tabloid subjects: finding ways your home can kill you (deadly black mold), and a fall from grace (a Texas news anchor with a cocaine problem.)

A judge’s stepdaughter is raped and murdered on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (10 p.m., NBC), so you’d better send your kids to bed right as the Muppet Christmas movie’s credits start.

VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS

The other awful holiday movie du jour is “Mary Christmas” (8 p.m., Pax), with reporter Cynthia Gibb granting an 8-year-old child’s wish of having a new mommy to make her daddy, John Schneider, happy.

Cartoon Network offers not one but three tales of Christmas in Bedrock with “A Flintstone Christmas” (7 p.m.), “A Flintstones Christmas Carol” (8 p.m.) and a Christmas episode of the original series (9:30 p.m.). Weren’t these all supposed to have been set several million years B.C.?

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“The Drew Carey Show” (9 p.m., ABC) “Party of Five’s” Lacey Chabert. Plot: Drew has to hire a teenager to teach him to do his job. Personally, I’d hand him videotapes of the first season of “Andy Richter controls the Universe.”

TALK TALK

Liza Minnelli returns to the “Late Show with David Letterman” which will also be checking if a bag of rock salt floats. You just know which event I’m more eager to see.

Martin Short and Mike Epps get couch time with Jay Leno.

John Leguizamo and Lauren Holly get all anecdotal for Craig Kilborn:

Conan O’Brien asked Lisa Kudrow to check on the Roots, and it took her half an hour to figure out they were the show’s musical guest.

Tyra Banks is the lone non-musical act dropping by “Last Call with Carson Daly,” sharing the stage with Ice Cube, Matchbox Twenty, and James Taylor.

It’s beginning to look too much like…

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, November 30-December 1, 2002

All times Eastern

SATURDAY

“The True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) alleges a “Curse of The Little Rascals.” I think it’s an incomplete presentation considering none of Petey’s estate was willing to answer questions.

“A.I.: Artificial Intelligence” (8 p.m., HBO) remains a misunderstood movie, seeming to disappoints fans of Steven Spielberg, Stanley Kubrick, and Haley Joel Osment alike. Watched on DVD without any preconceptions, I rather liked it as both satire and sci-fi.

“Erin Brockovich” (8 p.m.) repeats on NBC’s “TOO DARN CHEAP TO BUY A VCR” theatre.

“Big Daddy” (8 p.m. Fox) wasn’t the first movie which made me hope Adam Sandler has had a vasectomy, just the first to actually admit it.

“Movies at Our Place” (8 p.m., AMC) is another needless attempt to make films run longer. (A friend notes that a Bond film that would run less than two hours in a theatre runs four on TNN.) AMC’s latest “series” fills time the TBS way by padding the commercial breaks with a screening party debate among the guests invited to “Rachel and Jimmy’s home.” The opener features a pillow making ex-Mafia princess and the former detective author of “Crime Animals” riffing on the movie “Married to the Mob.”

The annual “Ice Wars: USA vs. The World” (8 p.m., CBS) offers artificial drama in sequins and spandex from Scott Hamilton, Tara Lipinski, Nicole Bobek, Kurt Browning, Surya Bonaly, Maria Butyrskaya, and South Park icon Brian Boitano.

Given both the recent scientific approval of the Atkins Diet and of course the last two days you’ve overeaten, a repeat of “CNN Presents: Fat Chance” (8 p.m.) is in order. The special chats with people who’ve actually succeeded in not only dropping large amounts of weight, but keeping it off.

The decorators of “Trading Spaces” (9 p.m., TLC) travel abroad to meet their makers, the host and carpenter of “Changing Rooms” and create even more combined mayhem for a pair of British families.

SANTA BABIED

ABC Family Channel kicks off the holiday season with an 8-hour marathon of the old Rankin-Bass specials (ABC Family Channel, 4 p.m.) including 2 tales of “The Little Drummer Boy,” “Pinocchio’s Christmas,” “Jack Frost” “Frosty’s Winter Wonderland,” and “The Year without a Santa Claus”

“Santa Junior” (9 p.m., Hallmark Channel). Alleged stars: Judd Nelson & Lauren Holly. Plot: Is Santa’s son a kleptomaniac or a Sagittarius?

Brothers Smothers host “American Soundtrack: This Land Is Your Land” (8:30 p.m./check local listings, PBS) a rare tribute to ’60s folk songs, that doesn’t consist entirely of the works of Peter, Paul, and Mary. Among the performers are Judy Collins, the Kingston Trio, the Brothers Four, Limelighters, Highwaymen, Glenn Yarbrough, Roger McGuinn and Randy Sparks.

SUNDAY

I first saw “Pinocchio” (7 p.m., ABC) when it was paired in theatres with the short “Nestor, The Long Eared Donkey.” I can’t necessarily say I’ve needed to see it since, but it’s been available at any good video store for the last decade if I had.

I may not necessarily like all of P. Diddy’s music, but his politics are admirable, as he can be thanked for helping produce with this year’s “Staying Alive Concert” (8 p.m., MTV) in association with YouthAIDS. Artists for the internationally-televised concert include Alicia Keys, Missy Elliott and Dave Matthews.

Since kids imitate everything they see on TV, keep them away from “Chariot Race 2002” (8 p.m., TLC) or else they’ll be drag racing in the streets as soon as they can steal a horse from in front of the General Store.

It’s not Copperfield or Blaine making an “Escape from Death Row” (8 p.m., Discovery Channel), but the prisoners in this look at the 1984 jailbreak from Virginia’s Mecklenburg Correctional Center.

For once the stimulation may actually be intellectual as Playboy Channel offers a look at “Sexy Urban Legends” (8 p.m.).

“The True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) goes behind the Screech for as many scandals as they can find with the cast of “Saved by the Bell.”

The early ’60s were a time of conflict in America, particularly for teens who sneak out to watch their boyfriends play the piano or spend the night with their 25-year old girlfriends according to “American Dreams” (8 p.m., NBC).

I’m puzzled as to exactly why A&E is running the Arnold Schwarzenegger / Tom Arnold classic “True Lies” (8 p.m.), but figure it must be part of the channel’s Entertainment directive.

“U-571” (8:30 p.m., USA) makes its basic cable debut.

It’s still all about money between Tony, Johnny Sack and Carmine on “The Sopranos” (9 p.m., HBO), while Carmela makes a decorating date she can’t keep.

“Malcolm in the Middle” (9 p.m., Fox) gets grounded on his birthday when he and Reese draw battle lines.

The Bristow family is back together to steal nuclear warheads while vacationing in Pakistan on “Alias” (9 p.m., ABC). What, you didn’t do this on your summer trips?

Whoopi Goldberg hosts a second annual faux Britcom awards special which has been retitled “A-List Comedy” (9 p.m., BBC America)

Iron Chef Sakai faces off against challenger Masayo Waki in “Iron Chef Christmas Dessert” (9 p.m., Food). Who will wind up red-faced when the scores are handed out for their strawberry creations?

Journalist Kurt Andersen gets some “Face Time” in a limited series chatting with some of the creative forces in TV including Les Moonves (9 p.m., Trio), Bonnie Hunt (9:30 p.m.), and Darren Star (10 p.m.).

“The Perfect Pitch” (10:30 p.m., Trio) looks at the science of getting a TV show bought by network weasels. Among those giving advice and recalling their best and worst pitches are Bruce Paltrow (St. Elsewhere); Sherwood Schwartz (The Brady Bunch); Tony Krantz (Felicity; 24); Ian Sander (I’ll Fly Away) and Bruce Kirschbaum (Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond).

“Andy Richter Controls the Universe” (9:30 p.m., Fox) returns to battle political correctness with a diversity training that gets Andy’s Irish up.

Natalie Cole and Diana Krall duet on the Great Performances special (9:30 p.m./check local listings, PBS) “Ask A Woman Who Knows.”

“TV Land Legends: The 60 Minutes Interviews” (10 p.m.) following up a Steve Martin episode with a vintage Mel Brooks chat.

The son of a Hollywood mogul skips “Boomtown” (10 p.m., NBC) before he can be charged with murdering his Vietnamese girlfriend.

The televised “NY Friars Club Roasts” (10:30 p.m., Comedy Central) really don’t compare to the ones hosted by Milton Berle and the old guard. Chevy Chase is actually the second person besides Berle to be roasted twice. But Comedy Central is probably a lot less likely to air one of these suckers it it’s welcoming Jim Gaffigan or Margaret Cho. Since only Laraine Newman and roastmaster Paul Shaffer found time to show up to represent SNL, why should the rest of us really care?

UNNECESSARY GUEST PATROL

“The Simpsons” (8 p.m., Fox): David “Squiggy” L. Lander. Plot: the family compete on the

“Frontier House” spoof, “1895 Challenge.”

“King of the Hill” (8:30 p.m., Fox) Scott Hamilton. Plot: Following science fairs, and competitive eating, the show doesn’t really need another bizarre championship, but why let that stop them from presenting the game of dog-dancing.

“Law and Order: Criminal Intent” (9 p.m., NBC) Linda Lavin. Plot: Alice’s daughter-in-law isn’t living anymore.

“The Practice” (10 p.m., ABC) Lolita Davidovich. Plots: a boyfriend killer, and an airline that refuses to allow Arab-American’s to fly the friendly skies.

LOOKS LIKE RAIN, DEAR

“Christmas Rush” (8 P.M., TBS). Alleged stars: Dean Cain and Eric Roberts. Plot: TBS beats Kevin Smith to his dream of setting “Die Hard” in a mall.

“The Christmas Shoes” (9 p.m., CBS). Alleged stars: Rob Lowe and Kimberly Williams. Plot: will Santa bring a heart to both a woman in need of a transplant and, well, a lawyer?

“Garish” and “obnoxious” are not words my neighbors across the street like to use when describing their holiday decorations. They prefer the word “festive.” “Extreme Christmas” (9 p.m., HGTV) takes a look at the folks for whom the “X” in “X-mas” exceeds good taste.

TALK TALK

MONDAY

Spike and Tonya Lewis Lee visit “The View” along with Jami Gertz, and “Trading Spaces” decorating terrors Doug Wilson and Genevieve Gordon.

Phil Collins and John Leguizamo duel for the hand of Caroline Rhea.

Debbie Allen dances around Wayne Brady’s questions, Sara Rue chews the fat, and Anthony Clark begs the writers for material.

(Dave, Jay, Craig, and Conan are all in repeats this week. Andy Richter fans should set their Tivos for “The Daily Show”).

That’s Liza with a “Z,” for “Zip it!”

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, December 2, 2002

All times Eastern

“TVography” (8 p.m., A&E) gets happy with yet another look at the only family as over-analyzed as the Bradys — the Partridge Family.

“Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) drowns its contestants with both water torture chambers and the ultimate protein drink: three pounds of raw ostrich yolk. Mmmmm, ostrichy!

“Page to Screen” (8 p.m., Bravo) takes its titular journey with the book “L.A. Confidential.”

An earthquake gets framed for murder on “Monk” (8 p.m., ABC). “I swear it wasn’t me, Detective. It’s the San Andreas’ fault.”

On “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network), ham is cooked with Willie Nelson and his new magic bourbon.

“REAL Sports With Bryant Gumbel” (8 p.m., HBO) features interviews with L.A. Lakers vice president Jeanie Buss, a former Virginia Tech basketball player and a guy who wants to join an all-female field hockey team. I’m betting it’s so he can sell his story for the next lame Rob Schneider film.

Principal Harper faces the death penalty for threatening a racist who managed to slip on a puddle of water and hit his head right when the principal was coming at him with a coat rack on “Boston Public” (8 p.m., Fox). Yes, like Oprah, I believe I will run on.

“The Jeff Corwin Experience” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) presents the footage you’ve always wanted to see: bloopers of Corwin being bitten while doing stupid, stupid things with reptiles.

VH1 presents a “Rock the House” marathon with redecoration mayhem thrust upon fans of Sammy Hagar (8 p.m.), Tommy Lee (8:30 p.m.), Weird Al Yankovic (9 p.m.), Snoop Dogg (9:30 p.m.) and the Goo Goo Dolls (10 p.m.).

“Reel Comedy” (8:30 p.m., Comedy Central) offers an unfettered look behind the scenes of “Analyze That.” You can either watch it here or wait until it shows up in the DVD extras.

For the next several weeks, “Ken Burns American Stories” repeats the series “Jazz” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS), beginning with “The True Welcome (1929-1935).”

The Jets face the Raiders on “Monday Night Football” (9 p.m., ABC) while officer Krupke tries to beat the spread.

“The World’s Funniest …” (9 p.m., Fox) gets around to movie outtakes with flubbed dialogue from all your favorites like “Die Hard,” “Moulin Rouge” and … “Big Momma’s House”?!?

“Taboo: Sexuality” (9 p.m., National Geographic Channel) looks at the boundaries between the genders in a technical special that your eight-year-old nephew will tape and hide under his mattress.

P. Diddy instructs his charges on being hip and/or hopping on two more episodes of “Making the Band II” (9 p.m., MTV).

If you’re like me, you’ve been waiting all year for the granddaddy of them all, figure skating’s ISU NHK Trophy (9 p.m., ESPN)! Why yes, that would be sarcasm. I figure I should actually label it once or twice a year.

If you’re looking not for silver bells this season, but are a little more into the “Art Bells,” then “Steven Spielberg Presents Taken” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi Channel) is for you. Tonight’s opener to the sprawling (and yes, probing) 20-hour alien miniseries mixes Nazis, the “X-Files” and “The Bridges of Madison County” just the way you always hoped someone would.

For some reason, “Modern Marvels” presents “More Bond Gadgets” (9 p.m., History Channel) followed by “James Bond Gadgets” (10 p.m.).

“Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC) takes a road trip to L.A. when a bit player/Hollywood starlet is found dead in an abandoned truck on a country road.

The creatively titled “Dave Matthews Band Special” (10:30 p.m., VH1) follows the group on a recent appearance on “Late Show With Dave Letterman.” Expect to see Dave appear slightly longer than the closing credits.

SINCE YOU’VE NO PLACE TO GO

Red Buttons, Ethel Merman, Mickey Rooney, Alan Sues and Shelley Winters voice the holiday children’s classic “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July” (7 p.m., ABC Family).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Third Watch” (9 p.m., NBC): child star Marc John Jeffries, rapper Treach of “Naughty by Nature.” Plot: Jeffries precociously steps forward in a murder case at the last minute, thus saving the day for truth, justice and writers out of ideas.

TALK TALK

Andy Richter controls “The Daily Show.”

Dave, Jay, Conan and Craig all need a week to recover from Thanksgiving dinner.

TUESDAY MORNING

Rudolph Giuliani and Tim McGraw talk about being married to their work and/or Faith hill on “The View.”

Joey Lawrence insists upon being called “Joseph”, Jamie Gertz demands to be called Ms. Gertz, and Carson Daly wants desperately to be called talented on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

Jane Seymour, Tom Everett Scott, Wilmer Valderrama and Vivian Green play doctor, do that thing they do, pretend they’re in the 1970s and rhythmically sing the blues on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Is his name Howard?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, December 3, 2002

All times Eastern

Everything on ABC, CBS, UPN and the WB is a repeat, and so, for that matter is NBC’s “Frasier.”

1967’s “How I Won the War” (6:35 p.m., Sundance Channel) offers the odd sight of Michael Crawford and John Lennon in the same film.

MuchMusic USA presents the concert “Marilyn Manson: Guns, Gods and Government” (8 p.m.) for all the network’s Satan worshipers at this special time of year.

TLC’s lineup offers “Daytona Motorcycle Madness” (8 p.m.), “The Greatest Motorcycles Ever Made” (9 p.m.) and the evolution of the Harley-Davidson and its owners as narrated by Peter Fonda in “Born to Be Wild” (10 p.m.), while the History Channel offers a competing two-hour documentary on “Motorcycles” (9 p.m.).

Sean’s wife fights with his new bartender, her old high school rival on “Grounded for Life” (8:30 p.m., Fox).

Giant squirrels probe earthlings in the 1950s and a kid with psychic powers helps launch a spaceship in tonight’s episode of “Steven Spielberg presents ‘Taken’” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi). No, you’re going to wish I was making this up.

The President learns his orders aren’t being followed, Jack interrogates Nina, and Kim and Megan connect sometime between 1 and 2 p.m. on “24” (9 p.m., Fox).

“Driven” (9 p.m., VH1) examines just what keeps Whitney Houston and her giant vibrating teeth around when nobody besides her hoodlum husband really cares at this point.

Mariah Carey gives an exclusive no-holds-barred interview to John Norris to help promote her new album on “Shining Through the Rain” (9 p.m., MTV).

Mariah Carey gives an exclusive no-holds-barred interview to Matt Lauer to help promote her new album on “Dateline” (10 p.m., NBC).

“Wild On’s” (10 p.m., E!) new host Cindy Taylor heads to Thailand where she can get scared by elephants, scorpions, snakes and tigers, and perhaps not lose her bikini or press credentials.

Kelly records her new album, Ozzy is out on tour, and Sharon and the dogs are unbelievably tired FOR NO APPARENT REASON (I wonder if it’s …. Oh wait, we all know that it’s cancer) on “The Osbournes” (10:30 p.m., MTV).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Just Shoot Me” (8 p.m., NBC): Cheryl Tiegs. Plot: Jealousy and poetry, but no J-lo-etry.

“That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox): Betty White, Tom Poston. Plot: Eric’s got a big secret to reveal during Thanksgiving dinner.

“In-Laws” (8:30 p.m., NBC): “Rush Hour 2’s ” Roselyn Sanchez, Sally Kellerman. Plot: Son-in-law takes cooking lessons with female lab partner. Are they just cooking? Yes.

“In-Laws” (9:30 p.m., NBC): “My Big Fat Greek Wedding’s” Michael Constantine. Plot: One of the other in-laws arrives.

EXCESS / XMAS

Vanessa L. Williams gets chills after an encounter with Kathy Griffin on “A Diva’s Christmas Carol” (7 p.m., VH1), but not because she’s the Ghost of Christmas Past or anything. Griffin is just that annoying.

Red Skelton and Frank Gorshin voice “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” (8 p.m., ABC Family).

Tantrums are thrown and “Secret Santa” gifts are sought on a holiday-themed “Hey Arnold!” (8 p.m., Nickelodeon).

The Grinch (8 p.m., Cartoon Network) steals Christmas most of the week in this time slot.

Leave it to Dolly Parton to defend a pack of orphans against an evil sheriff and a witch in “A Smoky Mountain Christmas” (8:01 p.m., Fox Movie Channel).

Things start out merry and wind up scary in Bill Plympton’s “12 Tiny Christmas Tales” (8:30 p.m., Cartoon Network).

A depressed Buster bunny wishes the WB would let him out of his contract in “It’s a Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas” (8:30 p.m., Nickelodeon).

The Angelic Roma Downey has to gracefully pretend to be married to Eric McCormack in “Borrowed Hearts” (9 p.m., ABC Family) so he can impress Hector Elizondo.

Ossie Davis narrates “Ghosts of Christmas Eve” (10 p.m./check local listings, PBS) featuring the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Jewel and Michael Crawford.

It’s a “Naked Chef” Christmas for the office staff on “Oliver’s Twist” (10 p.m., Food Network).

TALK TALK

Phil Donahue spends more time interviewing Reverend Jerry Falwell than the slimeball deserves.

“Nation” editor Katrina Vanden Heuvel chats with “The Daily Show” about what’s “left” in politics for the Democratic Party.

Ted Koppel draws the reclusive Garry Trudeau in for his first full-length TV interview in over three decades for a two-night edition of “Nightline UpClose.”

Piper Perabo and Maroon 5 make the audience wonder why they got tickets for a taping of “Last Call With Carson Daly.”

WEDNESDAY MORNING

Diane Sawyer twirls a baton, Josh Groban prepares scones and Winston Cup champion Tony Stewart spins plates on “Live With Regis and Kelly,” and it’s all because fellow guest Andy Richter controls Gelman.

Jerry Lewis and Jay Thomas grimace and/or wince on “The View.”

Laura Pausini sings, Kathy Griffin whines and Zach Braff scrubs on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

Lauren Hutton and Cyndi Lauper make Wayne Brady get up on his desk and shake his groove thing.

I Rotisserie on Your Grave!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, December 4, 2002

All times Eastern

Aside from the tree lighting, NBC is in repeats tonight. UPN is also in complete repeat.

“Smallville’s” Michael Rosenbaum hosts the “Lord of the Rings” infomercial “Return to Middle-Earth” (8 p.m., WB).

Christopher Walken chats with Charlie Rose on “60 Minutes II” (8 p.m., CBS), and Dan Rather investigates liver transplants. (“No really, it’s for a friend.”)

“Bernie Mac” (8 p.m., Fox) decides he’s tired of the “good cop/bad cop” style of discipline, and decides that Wanda has to be a “bad cop” too.

Dick and Tommy get “Smothered” (8 p.m. Bravo) in a look at the surgery required before each episode of “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour” hit the air back in the day.

12-year-old Canadian singing sensation Aselin Debison performs in her first television special, “Sweet Is the Melody” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS); or k.d. lang performs a few duets in “Tony Bennett’s Wonderful World Live in San Francisco” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

Korn performs “Live at Hammerstein Ballroom” (8 p.m., MuchMusic USA), while music lovers can catch a glimpse of Vanessa Carlton, “Live at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” (8 p.m., MTV).

“The Interrogation of Michael Crowe” (8 p.m., Court TV) was caught on tape. The true-crime telefilm questions whether the 14-year-old murdered his little sister. (Answer: “no.”)

“Science of the Impossible” (8 p.m., Science Channel) probes the building techniques used to make the world’s many pyramids.

Atkins dieters will want to TiVo “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food) for tonight’s slate of baked jalapeño poppers, oven-fried potato and sweet potato chips with creamy oven-cooked bacon dip, and oven-baked pecan-crusted chicken fingers.

Charity ends at home on “The George Lopez Show” (8:30 p.m., ABC) when it turns out Angie has more volunteer work than she can handle.

Find out which team asks “Why did you have to take your pants off?” in a special two-hour broadcast of “The Amazing Race 3” (9 p.m., CBS).

“Steven Spielberg Presents ‘Taken’” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi) enters the 1960s. Was Lee Harvey Oswald an alien?

Van and Deaqon attempt to stop an Asian drug lord by pretending to be a gay couple on the always-sensitive shoot-‘em-up “Fastlane” (9 p.m., Fox).

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown pretend they’re not Mike Tyson and Robin Givens on “PrimeTime Special Edition” (9 p.m., ABC).

“Worst-Case Scenario” (9 p.m., TBS) offers the correct ways to flip your SUV while airborne, survive a bar fight, and dive into flaming water, but only if you must.

At long last “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (9 p.m.) makes its debut on VH1, which is great for fans who’ve always wanted it interrupted by 48 minutes of commercials.

Wigs, makeup and kimono aren’t all there is to know about social classes of Japan in “The Secret World of Geishas” (10 p.m., Discovery).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“My Wife and Kids” (8 p.m., ABC): Mos Def. Plot: Michael’s old hoops-playing friend visits, but he’s now in a wheelchair.

South Park (10 p.m., Comedy Central): Construction paper versions of the Osbournes. Plot: A naked man arrives claiming to be Stan from the future, while Cartman starts a revenge-for-hire business.

“MDs” (10 p.m., ABC): Macy Gray. Plot: A winged healer, marijuana, an escaped monkey, a mournful blues singer, unauthorized surgery on an illegal alien. Wait, this may be tonight’s episode of “Taken.”

HARK, AMERICAN IDOL SINGS

It will take two seconds to light the tree, near the end of “Christmas in Rockefeller Center” (8 p.m., NBC). It’s your choice whether to sit through performances by Sheryl Crow, Barry Manilow, Enrique Iglesias, Josh Groban, Kelly Rowland and Kelly Clarkson.

Buddy Hackett and Robert Morse voice the animated romance “Jack Frost” (8 p.m., ABC Family).

As with most Britcoms, little is learned on “Blackadder’s Christmas Carol” (9 p.m., BBC America).

Katharine Hepburn, Henry Winkler and Swoosie Kurtz in 1995’s “One Christmas” (midnight, Hallmark) set in 1930s New Orleans.

TALK TALK

* Phil Donahue devotes a show to gay athletes, including a discussion about Esera Tuaolo.

* Colin Quinn promotes his new series with an appearance on “The Daily Show,” which it follows starting next week.

* Harvey Keitel and Tracy Chapman compare scars on “Last Call With Carson Daly.”

THURSDAY MORNING

* Mary Tyler Moore instructs Lisa Ling on proper hat-tossing techniques on “The View.”

* William Shatner discusses his paintball pay-per-view against a legion of Trekkies (honest!) and Brooke Burke shows off her new lasagna-strapped outfit on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Henry Winkler starts Wayne Brady’s jukebox, but stops it when he hears that it’s playing music by Joey McIntyre.

We is in touch, so you be in touch, dog! Peace out.

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, December 5, 2002

All times Eastern

Lisa Ling exits “The View” this morning, having grown too old for the “Menudo” of morning chat. Oh wait, that’s “Men you do.”

The dudes search for and eventually find their automobile in “Dude, Where’s

My Car?” (7:30 p.m., HBO).

How can you tell sweeps month is over? The Fox Thursday movie is “Dead Man on Campus” (8 p.m.).

Mad scientists are hoping to conquer “Dinotopia” (8 p.m., ABC), a.k.a. “Pangaea, Nevada.”

“The System” (8 p.m., Court TV) presents the actual “Interrogation of Michael

Crowe” as dramatized on Wednesday night’s TV-movie.

“Lord of the Rings” is mocked in a “French and Saunders Special” (8 p.m., BBC

America). Comedians Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French do a fine lampoon of this year’s hot holiday flick, in which a wide-eyed hobbit and an old Shakespearean thespian go in search of Oscars, and an idiot Aussie struggles to make special effects.

“Ancient Aliens” are probed by “History’s Mysteries” (8 p.m., History Channel). Was Moses a Martian? Was Judas from Jupiter?

The Discovery Channel also hopes viewers will be taken in by its lineup,

which tonight includes “Crop Circles: Mysteries in the Fields” (8 p.m.) and a

“Return to Area 51” (10 p.m.).

Important things happen on “Survivor: Thailand” (8 p.m., CBS). It seems the

“even” Survivors are pretty much as cursed as the odd-numbered “Star Trek”

films.

Rachel hands out her phone number but is paranoid that Ross will be there

when the stud calls on “Friends” (8 p.m., NBC). Apparently she has forgotten

that section of their show’s theme song about him being there for her.

“Metallica’s Live Sh*t Binge and Purge: Seattle” (8 p.m., MuchMusic USA)

makes the perfect gift-wrapping music for all the illegally downloaded music

you’ve no doubt burned onto CD to give your sweet baboo.

It’s Joel’s day off on “Do Over” (8:30 p.m., WB). Betcha a dollar there’s at

least one reference to the works of John Hughes.

The guilty pleasure “Insomniac With Dave Attell” (8:30 p.m., Comedy Central)

keeps being put on at earlier and earlier hours, but I still wouldn’t let my

mother watch it. Mom’s not the type to enjoy gratuitous footage of drinking,

motorcycle riding, midnight fireworks shopping and slopping alligators.

Instead she’d rather take in something cultural, like “She Spies.”

The aliens torment earthlings by claiming to be a “video professor” who

believes that a computer is just like a VCR in part 4 of “Steven Spielberg

Presents ‘Taken’” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi).

A cabbie is assaulted after bystanders think he caused a fatal hit-and-run on

“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (9 p.m., CBS). Unless this is actually an

episode of “Hack.”

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Family Affair” (8 p.m., WB): Kathy Garver and Johnnie Whitaker, the surviving

members of the original series. Plot: The twins are sick (of the writing?).

“Scrubs” (8:30 p.m., NBC): Alan Ruck. Plot: Malpractice makes imperfect.

“The Jamie Kennedy Experiment” (9 p.m., WB): Jeff Goldblum. Plot: Scent of a

Goldblum.

“Will & Grace” (9 p.m., NBC): Elton John. Plot: Karen and Will living

together?

“Good Morning, Miami” (9:30 p.m., NBC): Harry Hamlin. Plot: Two girls for

every guy!

“ER” (10 p.m., NBC): Sally Field, Tom Everett Scott. Plot: A baby is

dropped on their doorstep in generic sitcom plot #641.

WILLIS, THE LITTLE DRUMMOND BOY

Thin Santa battles the Burgermeister Meisterburger in “Santa Claus Is Comin’

to Town” (8 p.m., ABC Family).

As if the lame Greg Kinnear film “Dear, God” wasn’t bad enough, ABC has Jim

Belushi answering real children’s letters in “Dear Santa” (9 p.m.). Lost

clauses include the search for a missing grandfather, talking with animals,

riding a horse that belonged to Elvis, making it snow in Arizona, helping a

child’s mom “look nice, smell good and be happy,” and the animation of an

imaginary friend, Sam the Ram. And here’s a direct quote from ABC: “In

addition the program will feature ‘Saturday Night Live’ alum Joe Piscopo in a

special appearance at a K-Mart in Wall, New Jersey, playing Santa to a group

of excited youngsters.” Remind me to sell what’s left of my Disney stock.

LeAnn Rimes sings her guts out as a fictional country singer in “Holiday in

Your Heart” (9 p.m., Hallmark Channel), which somehow managed to nab talented costar Bernadette Peters.

Mimi Rogers gets everything she requested on “The Christmas List” (9 p.m.,

ABC Family), although I can’t imagine her scroll included “cameo from Marla

Maples.”

TALK TALK

* What if Hugh Downs had still been at “20/20” for last month’s exclusive

interview with Justin Timberlake? Phil Donahue gets the 411 from Mr. Downs, a.k.a. P. Downy.

* Rob Schneider is “The Lame Comic” on “The Daily Show.”

* Tim Robbins asks the viewers of “Last Call” to postpone the execution of the

WB’s “Family Affair.”

FRIDAY MORNING

* Rob Schneider hopefully oversleeps his wakeup call for an appearance with

Regis and Kelly.

* Pierce Brosnan woos the remaining ladies of “The View.”

* Jane Seymour, Eddie Izzard and Cathy Moriarty fight over the same fur-lined halter top backstage at “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Wayne Brady doesn’t think Rod Stewart is sexy.

I’d like to thank all the little people. Particularly the Munchkins.

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, December 6, 2002

All times Eastern

Travis Tritt and Ray Charles meet at the “Crossroads” (8 p.m., CMT), which seem to be located this week in Georgia.

Crime lord Niska wants revenge against the crew of the Serenity on “Firefly” (8 p.m., Fox), which must strike fear in the heart of the remaining viewer.

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) names “Harrison Ford: The Reluctant Hero.” Yes, please, throw me into the brier patch and force me to take his multimillion-dollar salary.

Fish are eulogized and a monkey steals a watch on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” (8 p.m., ABC). That sounds about right.

Were these women switched at birth? “48 Hours Investigates” (8 p.m., CBS).

Thursday’s “Family Affair” (8:30 p.m., WB) gets one last shot for some ratings after “Sabrina,” before going on hiatus. Goodbye, Mr. French, please write if you get work.

“NOW With Bill Moyers” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) explores the disturbing significance of Henry Kissinger’s appointment to chair the commission on the 9/11 attacks; considers the dangers of huge media mergers; and presents a short film from documentarian Al Maysles titled “Before I Leave.”

How honest a cabbie is “Hack” (9 p.m., CBS)? Even though he’s broke most of the time, he’s still willing to track down someone who left an envelope containing $10,000 in his back seat.

The abductions continue on part five of “Steven Spielberg presents ‘Taken’” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi) as we learn the shocking true mission of all those Chia plants.

Country musicians accept Country Music Awards on the “CMA Award Show” (9 p.m., CMT).

“In Concert: Rod Stewart” (9 p.m., A&E) asks if we think it’s sexy that the singer is now covering the works of Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra. Answer: “No, but it’s better than the dreck on your last studio album.”

“Dateline” (9 p.m., NBC) reopens the case of a trio of teens convicted of murder in 1986. I’m assuming they’re innocent, or this will be one disappointing hour.

“The Drew Carey Show” (9:30 p.m., ABC) salsa dances to its third time slot in two months, with Drew, as usual, unable to figure out which woman he really loves.

There’s a mole in the CIA on “The Agency” (10 p.m., CBS). Just one?

“Codename: Kids Next Door” (10 p.m., Cartoon Network) would seem to be a clone of “Spy Kids,” except all of the adults are evil, tyrannical monsters. Memo to kids: That attitude will get you sent to your room, to jail, or to a show on Fox News.

A 15-year-old rape victim steps off of a subway platform on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (10 p.m., NBC) and the detectives go after the men who pushed her emotionally, if not physically.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Providence ” (8 p.m., NBC): singer Rebecca Lynn Howard. Plot: Dancing lessons, and the curly haired woman is rushed to the hospital stat!

“Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” (8 p.m., WB): Kate Jackson. Plot: Christmas in Florida, with an ex-con/ex-“Charlie’s Angel.”

“John Doe” (9 p.m., Fox): Gabrielle Anwar. Plot: Doe has to rescue a planeload of passengers by landing an aircraft after both the pilot and copilot are murdered. Personally, if I were an airport screener, I’d cancel any flight that John Doe, Monk and/or Ms. J.B. Fletcher were booked on.

AND HEATHEN AND NATURE SING

The less said about “An ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven’ Christmas Carol” (7 p.m., Toon Disney), the better.

Steven Tyler performs “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” on “Lizzie Maguire” (7:30 p.m., Disney Channel) for all the 12-year-old female fans of Aerosmith. (Uh-huh.)

A neurotic and depressed St. Nick (David Sedaris was busy) takes Christmas Eve off, leading to “The Year Without a Santa Claus” (8 p.m., ABC Family). The voices are supplied by Mickey Rooney, Shirley Booth and Dick Shawn.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (8 p.m., Pax) offers an allegedly charming tale of divorce and misbehaving children who think they know more than their parents. Although, since the parents are Connie Sellecca and Corbin Bernsen, the kids may be technically correct.

“Light Up the Holidays” (8 p.m., HGTV) offers help for people selecting and putting up their Christmas lights, and yes, friends, you do need it.

Michael Keaton is reincarnated as a snowman to return to his wife and son for the holidays in “Jack Frost” (8 p.m., TBS),a one of the most disturbing Christmas movies ever made.

“Olive, the Other Reindeer” (9 p.m., WB), voiced by Drew Barrymore, has become a Fox network family tradition. But what can I say, for enough money I’d even move to the WB network.

do whack a doo

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, December 7-8, 2002

All times Eastern

SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALL RIGHT FOR WRITING

“Live From Baghdad” (8 p.m., HBO) presents Michael Keaton and Helena Bonham Carter in the story of how CNN gained worldwide credibility during the (first) Gulf War by covering the battleground as never before.

Joan Lunden tries to spend $1,000,000 on a single day in New York City on “Behind Closed Doors” (8 p.m., A & E). The easiest method would probably be getting a better agent and renting a studio apartment on Central Park West.

“COPS” (8 p.m., Fox) investigate amphetamines, hookers and a man who ran his truck through a wall.

John Wayne stars as detective “McQ” (8 p.m., Pax). What’s it say about the Pax network if they can’t afford to show John Wayne in a Western?

Frances Fyfield’s Crown Prosecutor Helen West returns to A&E to a help a cleaning woman in “A Clear Conscience” (9 p.m.). She’s apparently not a very good one, since her fingerprints are everywhere.

“Pearl Harbor: Legacy of an Attack” (9 p.m., National Geographic Channel) has neither Ben Affleck nor Josh Hartnett, but does feature a modern-day search for a sunken Japanese submarine.

Awards season begins anew with the “European Film Awards 2002” (9 p.m., Sundance Channel), live from the Parco Della Musica in Rome.

Detective Cole reopens the case of the death row inmate who allegedly killed his partner on “Robbery Homicide Division” (10 p.m., CBS), which this week has flopped time slots with the equally unwatched “The Agency.”

THREE SIZES TOO SMALL

Peter Billingsley stars as little Ralphie in “A Christmas Story” (7 p.m., TBS), the Red Ryding-est holiday extravaganza ever.

What do dinosaurs do during a blizzard? Perform lavish cartoon musical numbers. “The Land Before Time: The Big Freeze” (7 p.m., Cartoon Network) skillfully solves the problem of how to do a Christmas movie set several million years before the birth of Christ.

Bridget Fonda stars as the “Snow Queen” (7 p.m., Hallmark Channel) in a four-hour adaptation of the Hans Christian Andersen tale. It’s about an evil witch who tries to keep young lovers apart in order to preserve her power. Hey wait, she doesn’t have a living doll named Timmy, does she?

Brooks and Dunn perform selections from their new Christmas and Western album in the first of a series of specials under the umbrella title “12 Days of Christmas” (7 p.m., CMT).

The great thing about “It’s a Wonderful Life” (8 p.m.) being shown exclusively on NBC during the holidays is that I have to not watch it only two or three times.

Bryan Cranston, Caroline Rhea, Joe Flaherty and Kevin McDonald are among the voices of the Canadian cartoon “The Santa Claus Brothers” (8 p.m., Toon Disney), in which Mr. and Mrs. Claus send their three slacker sons out into the world to determine which one gets to inherit the family business.

What is “The Ultimate Christmas Present” (9 p.m., Disney)? Christmas snow in Los Angeles. Peter Scolari stars as disapproving adult #1.

VIVA VARIETY!

* One of America’s creepiest conservatives gets his own show, “After Hours With Cal Thomas” (11 p.m., Fox News). Dick Cheney comes out of seclusion as Thomas’ first guest on a series that seems to be replacing the once solid (pre 9/11/01) “Judith Regan Tonight.”

* “Saturday Night Live”: Robert De Niro / musical guest Norah Jones

* “Mad TV”: musical guest Sum41

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

John Walsh discusses his recently renewed daytime talk show while Pierce Brosnan promotes (gasp) a non-Bond film on CNN’s “People in the News” (7 p.m.).

“60 Minutes” (7 p.m., CBS) looks at how the war on terrorism is being fought in part by the world of advertising (this was once known as propaganda).

“Motown Christmas” (8 p.m., USA) offers all the fun of a California Raisins special, but with 98% less clay. Stevie Wonder, Destiny’s Child, India.Arie, Take 6 and the Temptations are among the carolers.

The History Channel takes its shot at “The Real Story of Pearl Harbor” (8 p.m.) one day after the anniversary.

“National Geographic Explorer” (8 p.m., MSNBC) devotes two hours to Peter Arnett’s memories of the events featured in HBO’s “Live From Baghdad.”

“The Division” (8 p.m., Lifetime) tracks down a racist serial murderer, while one of the team takes the inspector’s exam.

Sight-impaired Jake accidentally lets a robber make off with a bundle of money on “Becker” (8 p.m., CBS) but then recognizes the thief’s voice at a hockey game. If I can’t even think of a good joke about this, do you actually think the writing staff of “Becker” can fill 22 minutes?

Roses are read by Hank who thinks son Bobby is in danger of being a sissy (plot version #87) on “King of the Hill” (8:30 p.m., Fox).

What do we know about the season finale of “The Sopranos” (9 p.m., HBO)? That Tony and Carmela are thinking of buying a summer home, and that Little Paulie and Benny (“Doogie Howser’s” Max Casella) are breaking in a new sound system. What we don’t know: if a character or two will be whacked.

“The Locket” (9 p.m., CBS) is the latest in the series of sentimental Richard Paul Evans books which my mom can’t devour fast enough. Vanessa Redgrave stars as a nursing home patient who essentially spends “Tuesdays With Morrie.”

The “Johnson & Johnson Spotlight Presentation” may give the “Hallmark Hall of Fame” a run for its money come Emmy time as the series of TV movies for TNT continues to attract big names to its Family Friendly projects. (William H. Macy’s “Door to Door” was the first.) “Miss Lettie and Me” (8 p.m.) offers Mary Tyler Moore and Burt Reynolds as old flames, a spunky nine-year-old, a wise old African American (“Night Court’s” Charlie Robinson), and a plot from Katherine Paterson. What’s not to love and/or be manipulated by?

Mom turns on Syd and Jack just as everyone knew she would on “Alias” (9 p.m., ABC) … unless she’s, at the very least, a quadruple agent.

“James Cameron’s Expedition: Bismarck” (9 p.m., Discovery Channel) heads to the deep for a real-life excursion without either aliens or Leonardo DiCaprio.

A mishandled exorcism on “For the People” (10 p.m., Lifetime) allows possession to be nine-tenths of the plot.

The detectives of “Boomtown” (10 p.m., NBC) have the perfect witness in the kidnapping of a young girl, aside from the fact that he thinks he’s a coyote.

Once every 100 shows or so, Bobby listens to his conscience on “The Practice” (10 p.m., ABC). This is, as usual, a very bad thing.

“Cathouse” (10:20 p.m.) presents “reality footage” of hookers and their clients at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada. It’s not prostitution, it’s HBO!

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Andy Richter Controls the Universe” (9:30 p.m., Fox): Dan Cortese. Plot: Andy sets Jessica up with a guy from work who seems to have a split personality. What makes this so farfetched is that the premise assumes that Dan Cortese has a personality in the first place.

LARGE FROSTY, AND BIGGIE FRIES

“The Blockbuster Hollywood Christmas Spectacular” (7 p.m., NBC), hosted by Joe Rogan and Brooke Burns, offers more from Destiny’s Child, LeAnn Rimes, David Copperfield, Carrot Top, “Scenes from Disney’s ‘Aladdin’-A Musical Spectacular,” a “XXX Stunt Spectacular,” and “A ‘Back to the Future’ Movie Moment.” Why do I think this “movie moment” (promoting the DVD set) involves only Lea Thompson and/or Crispin Glover from the original cast?

“ABC’s Christmas in Aspen” (7 p.m., ABC) gathers John Ritter, Bonnie Hunt, George Lopez, Sara Rue, Andy Dick and both “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” to sing alongside professional musicians Barry Manilow, Johnny Mathis, Kenny G and Lee Ann Womack. Remind me to tell everyone I know to sell what’s left of their Disney stock.

Arctic drilling endangers Santa’s Workshop on “The Night They Saved Christmas” (7 p.m., Hallmark Channel), starring Jaclyn Smith and Art Carney. But hey, the President has a mandate.

A bespectacled beagle boogies, a pitiful tree finds strength and nourishment from the love of its community, and a depressed child momentarily regains his faith in humanity while the jazzy Vince Guaraldi Trio underscores all of the above in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” (8 p.m., ABC).

“The Santa Clause” (8 p.m., Disney) airs yet again.

I’ve never really thought of “Danny Boy” and “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” as being appropriate to the holiday season, but I guess the tenors of “A Classic Irish Christmas” (9 p.m., Bravo) need to fill out an hour.

Katherine Helmond tells evil landlord Sid Caesar that she can’t pay the rent in “Christmas Snow” (9 p.m., Hallmark Channel). But … she must pay the rent!

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK

* Joan Rivers offers uniform advice for Notre Dame coach Ty Willingham on “Live With Regis and That Woman.”

* Rita Wilson and Jill Hennessy do one another’s hair on “The View.”

* Caroline Rhea asks “Where in the World Is Federico Castelluccio?”

* Regis Philbin, Paul McCrane, psychic Char and Jo Dee Messina all refuse to rub Wayne Brady for luck.

What do Iraqi children leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, December 9, 2002

All times Eastern

The UPN and WB lineups are entirely reruns.

“Monk” (8 p.m., ABC) finds himself trapped on an airplane with not enough honey-roasted peanuts and one too many murderers.

The spirit of Jackass is likely present in “MTV Sports Unlimited: Sickest Moments” (8 p.m., MTV), with five X-Game athletes showing off all the times they survived wiping out. (I’m hoping they hadn’t originally booked six.)

Game Show Network launches one new game, “Wintuition” (8:30 p.m.) and begins a second season for another, “Lingo” (9 p.m.). The premise of the new series, hosted by Marc Summers, is in the title: “win tuition,” up to $50,000 to further your education beyond just the memorization of Trivial Pursuit cards. The initial 20-episode run of Chuck (C-H-U-C-K) Woolery’s “Lingo” (L-I-N-G-O) has aired (A-I-R-E-D) at least (L-E-A-S-T) five times (T-I-M-E-S) on the network, and was surprisingly successful for a relatively simple game of spelling out five-letter words (W-O-R-D-S) and trying to fill in a bingo (B-I-N-G-O) card.

What did it take to bring the first “Lord of the Rings” film from “Page to Screen” (8 p.m., Bravo)? A lot of magic, and quite a bit of editing. Then the second part of the Tolkien trilogy gets its own hour on MTV, with a look behind the scenes of “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” on “Movie House” (9 p.m.) followed by “Making the Video Game: Lord of the Rings” (9:30 p.m.).

“Reel Comedy” (8:30 p.m., Comedy Central) promotes Rob Schneider’s soul switching “comedy” “The Hot Chick.”

The Bears face the Dolphins in their fourth joint battle on “Monday Night Football” (same bat time, same bat channel). I don’t like to gamble much, so I’ve only bet a fin on it.

Instead of running the rest of “Jazz,” “Ken Burns American Stories” skips over to the story of Lee de Forest, Edwin Howard Armstrong and David Sarnoff in “Empire of the Air: The Men Who Made Radio” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

The aliens abduct Charlie yet again on “Steven Spielberg Presents ‘Taken’” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi), while Lisa gets a probing of another sort.

Why does Ray spend more time picking out gifts for his mother than he does for his wife? So she won’t complain (in theory) on “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS).

You’ll see more than just the Duke family on “Rumrunners, Moonshiners and Bootleggers” (9 p.m., History Channel), a tribute to the stills of the night.

“Degrassi: The Next Generation” (9 p.m., Noggin) presents a Very Special Episode on how to deal with erections in the classroom, if you’re not already in math class.

The transplanted “Heart of a Stranger” (9 p.m., Lifetime) gives Jane Seymour a new personality. (This is a bad thing?)

“WWE RAW” (9 p.m., TNN) serves as a giant infomercial for next Sunday’s pay-per-view event “Armageddon.”

I know at least one person with a VCR cued up to catch the special “Trick Shot Magic Billiards” (9 p.m., ESPN2) from Baltimore.

Opera is maligned on “Still Standing” (9:30 p.m., CBS), since only smart and/or rich people seem to like it.

Horatio wants revenge against the mad bomber who killed his mentor on “CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS).

A fan of a young R&B singer gets a room makeover in “Rock the House” (10 p.m., VH1) of Usher.

Grief counseling and sexual predators factor into tonight’s heartwarming “Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC).

“Ripper Murders: Case Closed” (10 p.m., TLC) offers Patricia Cornwell’s belief that artist Walter Richard Sickert was the world’s most famous serial killer. Of course, you’ll find much more information in her book, which is mentioned several times during the hour.

If Jack the Ripper isn’t enough carnage for you, how about the true story of “Moby Dick” (10 p.m., Discovery)?

“American Idol” Kelly Clarkson gets a whole half-hour devoted to her life (such as it is) on “Driven” (10:30 p.m., VH1).

Snoop Dogg performs for a small club audience for a low ticket price on the “$2 Bill” (10:30 p.m, MTV).

“Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn” (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central) mixes elements of his recent live NBC variety show with “Politically Incorrect,” and if you don’t watch it, it will be gone in two weeks.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Third Watch” (9 p.m., NBC): child star Marc John Jeffries, rapper Treach of “Naughty by Nature.” Plot: Same as last week. Lather, rinse, repeat.

AND THE LOSERS ARE …

* How exactly do you win at “The 2002 Billboard Music Awards” (8 p.m., Fox)? First, sell a ton of albums, and then show up to party in Vegas. Who’s invited? Creed, Faith Hill, Avril Lavigne, Justin Timberlake, Puddle of Mudd and that ageless couple, Nelly & Cher.

* How exactly do you win at “The 2002 Golden Hanger Awards” (8 p.m., E!)? Satisfy Joan and Melissa Rivers by borrowing a designer gown that costs more than many small countries can afford to spend on defense.

* How exactly does yours become the “Biography of the Year” (8 p.m., A&E)? If it’s decided that you made “the greatest impact on our lives in 2002.” Nominees in no particular order include: Halle Berry, President Bush, Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon, Martha Stewart, FBI whistle-blower Coleen Rowley, Serena Williams, the alleged suspected Beltway Snipers John Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, and of course, the Osbournes.

MILK AND COUSCOUS

“Christmas Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) offers its contestants 100-year-old eggnog and reindeer testicles, as well as a motorized scooter ride across a narrow plank 100 feet above the ground.

A snowman meets the perfect snowwoman in “Frosty’s Winter Wonderland” (8 p.m., ABC Family), narrated by Andy Griffith.

Santa opts to retire after being sued by a brat who didn’t get exactly what he wanted and instead was delivered the gift of “The Christmas Orange” (8:30 p.m., ABC Family).

Fred gets a job as a department store Santa on “The Flintstones” (8 p.m., Cartoon Network), and then Mr. Spacely’s Scroogelike ways are exhibited on “A Jetson Christmas Carol.” (8:30 p.m.).

Patty Duke tries to provide her young cousin with enough of “A Christmas Memory” (9 p.m., Hallmark) before the lad heads off to military school.

TALK TALK

* Phil Donahue asks “Is it too early to declare war?”

* Al Gore tests his material on “The Daily Show,” before failing with it on “Saturday Night Live.”

* Dave welcomes Sum 41 but wonders if Jennifer Lopez floats.

* “The Tonight Show” reunites George Clooney and Julianna Margulies, who can dance to the music of the Vines.

* Craig enjoys the Flaming Lips, but thinks those of Tia Carrere are just as warm.

TUESDAY MORNING

* Melissa Etheridge and Jennifer Lopez discuss the men in their lives on “Live With Regis and Kelly.”

* After Dennis Quaid describes what it was like growing up with his brother Randy on “The View,” Phyllis George offers him a hug.

* Rita Wilson and Donna Hanover discuss the men in their lives on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Pierce Brosnan offers to shoot Carrot Top on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Gloom, despair, and agony on me

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, December 10, 2002

All times Eastern

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) has Tom Hanks, for the memories.

Isn’t “An Evening With the Dixie Chicks” (8 p.m., NBC) the sort of thing we’re forced to put up with only during Thanksgiving week? What, you say it’s preempting “Just Shoot Me” and “In-laws”? I’ll let them bring back “Hee Haw” if they’ll skip over David Spade and Dennis Farina every week.

“That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox) presents a Very Special Episode on the dangers of (gasp) air guns, as a fight between Kelso and Hyde leaves one … out of breath!

“History Undercover” (8 p.m., History Channel), looks at the US’ attempts to bring home its missing-in-action.

A three-hour “Nova” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) explores “Galileo’s Battle for the Heavens” against the church.

“Andy Richter Controls the Universe” (8:30 p.m., Fox) for the next couple of Tuesdays.

Jack and Nina take a little trip to bust her terrorist connection, the President begins to feel like the odd man out, and Mason hopes to reach his son before it’s too late sometime between 2 and 3 p.m. on “24” (9 p.m., Fox).

Here’s a sign that you’re not watching TNN: the documentary is titled “Cleavage” (9 p.m., A&E).

The origins of the famed “Johnson County Cattle War” are explored on “Vendettas” (9 p.m., History Channel).

Hostages are “Taken” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi) in the miniseries presented by, but not written or directed by, Steven Spielberg.

“The Guardian” (9 p.m., CBS) takes a hospital’s side when a patient dies under the care of Lulu’s husband.

“NYPD Blue” (10 p.m., ABC) offers a series of life changes for its characters as Clark, Sr., retires, Rodriguez hopes to get his ex-wife into rehab, and McDowell and Sipowicz “shack up.”

A 6-year-old tells Amy her father molested her and the murder of Jason Lobdel may affect the custody of Lauren on “Judging Amy” (10 p.m., CBS).

In the tradition of “Trading Spaces/Changing Rooms,” a pair of freakish British fashion experts raid viewers’ wardrobes, telling them “What Not to Wear” (10 p.m., BBC America), and pointing out a few things they actually should.

“The Osbournes” (10:30 p.m., MTV) act all Osbourney.

“Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn” (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central) had a lackluster premiere, and frankly, I wouldn’t mind seeing it exit the airwaves after next week. Quinn’s friends resorted quickly to material from their own stand-up routines, and the lulls were frequent. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and tune in for tonight’s episode with Janeane Garofalo, but probably make it the later feed, rather than miss the first half hour of Letterman.

GOLD, FRANKINCENSE AND MURRAY

Santa assigns a Christmas Angel to the case of a young boy mourning the loss of his father in “The Christmas Path” (7 p.m., ABC Family). I guess Jesus was off feeding the reindeer.

The search for the perfect gifts and a midnight mass fuel “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” (8 p.m., ABC).

The “Toon Heads Christmas Special” (8 p.m., Cartoon Network) offers holiday wishes from Bugs, Daffy and, quite possibly, the “abdominabubble” snowman.

Oysters and squab for Christmas dinner? Remind me not to RSVP to “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network).

The neighbors are insensitive “According to Jim” (8:30 p.m., ABC), since they invite only his wife to their holiday bash.

Holiday Guest Star Patrol: “Frasier” (9 p.m., NBC): Dean Cain. Plot: Roz has the hots for Santa (ewww), while the brothers play a game of one-upmanship in planning a holiday party.

Snow, in Chicago, for Christmas? You’re kidding me! “Life With Bonnie’s” (9 p.m., ABC) family and coworkers spend the holiday together, allowing them to overact as a cohesive group.

“FoodNation With Bobby Flay” (9 p.m., Food Network) shops for “Christmas in New Jersey” at a turkey farm, and also seeks out gingerbread houses and Italian strufoli.

The characters of “Wind in the Willows” celebrate “A Mole’s Christmas” (9:30 p.m., Disney).

The office Christmas party offers special connections for Claude, Lydia and Owen on the charming “Less Than Perfect” (9:30 p.m., ABC).

See how Jamie Oliver celebrated holidays past in “The Naked Chef N.Y. Christmas” (10 p.m., Food Network).

TALK TALK

* Tom Brokaw refuses to answer if he’s going to make another run for the presidency on “The Daily Show.”

* Jason Alexander and Ryan Adams compare hairlines backstage at the “Late Show With David Letterman.” Adams wins.

* Rudolph Giuliani and George Lopez count Crows with Jay Leno.

* Alanis Morissette rattles off 20 minutes worth of things that Craig Kilborn “Oughta Know,” but doesn’t.

* Rob Schneider and Henry Winkler hit on Sheryl Crow, but only Winkler gets her to produce music on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”

* While the Roots and Cody Chesnutt perform on “Last Call With Carson Daly,” guest Parker Posey stars in an indie-film from her dressing room.

WEDNESDAY MORNING

* Justin Timberlake and Jason Alexander discuss their solo careers without “The Backstreet Boys” and N*Seinfeld on “Live With Regis and Kelly.”

* Rob Schneider grosses out “The View.”

* Jason Alexander leaves after his interview on “The Caroline Rhea Show” so he doesn’t have to hear the awful pop music covers performed by “The Sugar Beats Kids.”

* Aidan Quinn refuses to talk about his father Colin, while Missy Elliott gets her freak on backstage at “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Now where did I put my chainsaw?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, December 11, 2002

All times Eastern

“Biography” (8 p.m., A & E) lowers its standards and probes the career of current Visa Check card spokesman Charlie Sheen. The Visa Check Card is the official credit card of the Remote Patrol.

Parenting role models “Whitney & Bobby” are the focus of “The True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!)

“My Wife and Kids” (8 p.m., ABC) goes to couples therapy, which he hates, in generic sitcom plot #545.

“Supermassive Black Holes” (8 p.m., Discovery) absorb everything in sight and take forever to escape, not unlike the filming of Martin Scorsese’s “Gangs of New York.”

On the National Geographic channel, “The Dog Squad” studies the mating rituals of the prairie dog on “Out There” (8 p.m.), followed by hermaphroditic priests performing a circumcision ceremony on “Next Wave” (8:30 p.m.). Now why is it I rarely put listings for this channel in the Patrol?

Rhymes are made for “e-mail wiretap,” “Qatar” and “segregationist” and set to Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” on “The Mark Russell Comedy Special” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

Skateboarder Tony Hawk pretends to be edgy and dangerous on “60 Minutes II” (8 p.m., CBS), which also features a segment on smallpox.

The Wallflowers perform “Live at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” (8 p.m., MTV).

“Enterprise” (8 p.m., UPN) returns to the tried and true plots of the original “Star Trek” as one of the crew helps a hot-looking alien chick escape her captors.

“Cribs” (9 p.m., MTV) checks out the pad of tattooed MTV reporter Ian Robinson and “American Idol” nemesis Simon Cowell.

“The Amazing Race 3” (9 p.m., CBS) heads to Ho Chi Minh City, if the teams don’t drown first.

Christopher Titus enters “The Twilight Zone” (9 p.m., UPN) and gets to control his fate (but not resurrect his sitcom).

Why accept yourself as you are when you can transform your life via surgery and makeup with an “Extreme Makeover” (9 p.m., ABC)?

The teams are assigned to create a high-power motorized unicycle on “Junkyard Wars” (9 p.m., TLC).

Dishes will be dropped tonight on “Taken” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi).

Before she gets the Disney treatment, why not catch a classic version of “Nancy Drew, Detective” (9:15, Turner Classic Movies) from 1938?

Jennifer Lopez is the guest on “Revealed With Jules Asner” (10 p.m., E!). Like this women has anything we haven’t seen in the pages of Maxim?

Did an Asian woman burn herself to death at the Chinese consul general’s apartment as a political protest? The truth and/or several plot twists await on “Law & Order” (10 p.m., NBC).

A patient insists he’s an alien on a probing edition of “MDs” (10 p.m., ABC).

“Hackers: Outlaws and Angels” (10 p.m., TLC) isn’t the usual profile that casts the ubergeeks as evil pirates ruining society. It also shows how they’re helping the federal government spy … on us.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Ed” (8 p.m., NBC) Timothy Busfield. Plot: Mike and Warren suggest Mark lose weight. He opts to do so with one of those stomach surgeries that Al Roker and Carnie Wilson had, which nobody in the fictional town of Stuckeyville could ever afford, and insurance companies won’t cover.

“The Bernie Mac Show” (8 p.m., Fox): Don Rickles. Plot: Bernie cheats on his low-cholesterol diet by sneaking snacks from Rickles’ house.

“Fastlane” (9 p.m., Fox): rapper Pras. Plot: The team has to prevent a pimp from murdering one of his hookers.

OH, STARRY NIGHT

An evil wizard hopes to destroy the happiness of “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July” (7 p.m., ABC Family). Red Buttons, Ethel Merman, Mickey Rooney, Alan Sues and Shelley Winters voice the special that I’m willing to bet has probably never aired in July.

A “Celebration of Christmas” (8 p.m., Bravo) could only afford two tenors, José Carreras and Plácido Domingo, so Natalie Cole offers to wear a tux as the three perform with the Vienna Symphony Orchestra.

Families celebrate Christmas by fighting over cars, lovers and a possible drug overdose on “Dawson’s Creek” (8 p.m., WB).

A Christmas inspector, a gag gift for a landlord, and kids saying the darnedest things about the holidays are part of the Funt Family’s “naughty list” efforts on a “Candid Camera Christmas” (8 p.m., Pax).

Greed deprives the civilized world of its presents while an undeserving town benefits in “The Town Santa Forgot” (8 p.m., Cartoon Network), narrated by Dick Van Dyke and brought to you by the 2000 tax cut.

The in-laws hate dad at Christmas time on “The George Lopez Show” (8:30 p.m., ABC) in generic “Everybody Loves Raymond” plots #1-100.

Pac-Man, Ms. Pac and Pac-Baby meet Santa Claus when “Christmas Comes to Pac-Land” (8:30 p.m., Cartoon Network).

“Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” (9 p.m., ABC Family) makes annother appearance this week. Maybe the Burgermeister wins this time?

It’s snowing on “The West Wing” (9 p.m., NBC). Has an ill wind brought one of the staff a visit from their father?

John Denver and his daughter visit a creepy Colorado town where every adult and child believes in Santa Claus in “The Christmas Gift” (9 p.m., Lifetime). Hey, what are you trying to say? My parents have been eating the cookies and drinking the milk all these years? (Wide-eyed viewers will spot character actors Jane Kaczmarek, Pat Corley and Mary Wickes.)

Cartman offers to help Santa deliver presents to Iraq, but the Jolly Old Elf gets shot down and Mr. Hankey offers to liberate Santa from his captors and save Cartman from the worst Christmas ever on “South Park” (10 p.m., Comedy Central).

TALK TALK

* The Angry White Men return to complain they’re losing their hard-earned power on “Donahue.”

* The “Hardball College Tour” treats students to a fascinating chat with Al Gore. (Zzzzzzzz.)

* Sandra Bullock mistakes “The Daily Show” entrance for the door to Charlie Rose’s studio.

* Nia Vardalos and Barry Sonnenfeld announce their next movie, “My Big Fat Black Wedding,” on “Late Show With David Letterman.”

* Dennis Quaid, Benny “Boom Boom” Koske and Johnny Rzeznik serenade Jay Leno with “Unchained Melody.”

* Christine Baranski and Dane Cook beg Anthony LaPaglia for work on “The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

* Al Gore and Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band both display the same sense of humor with Conan O’Brien.

* Rob Schneider annoys the audience of “Last Call.”

THURSDAY MORNING

* Kelly Osbourne gives Patrick Stewart some hair-styling tips on “Live and/or Taped From an Earlier Live Broadcast With Regis and Kelly.”

* Nia Vardalos chats with Big, Fat and Italian on “The View.”

* Patrick Stewart also beams over to “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* k.d. lang and Tony Bennett sing, Miguel Ferrer zings, Julianna Marguiles glows, and Jeff Bezos shills on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Red Rum! Red Rum!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, December 12, 2002

All times Eastern

A plan to leave the island could destroy “Dinotopia” (8 p.m., ABC). I see, and the downside is?

“Shania: Live and Up Front” (8 p.m., CMT) presents Ms. Twain, and her breasts.

“History’s Mysteries” (8 p.m., History Channel) questions the role of free will vs. destiny in “Judas: Traitor or Friend?.”

“Biography” (8 p.m., A & E) proves the old show biz adage, “There are no small parts, only Billy Barty.”

As things come down to the wire, the castaways of “Survivor: Thailand” (8 p.m., CBS) vote out Trent Lott.

“Drop Dead Gorgeous” (8 p.m., Fox) proves that Kirstie Alley isn’t creepy just in those Pier 1 Imports ads. The cast of the beauty pageant spoof also includes Kirsten Dunst, Ellen Barkin, Allison Janney and Denise Richards.

J.D. picks up something special in the hospital gift shop (a date) on “Scrubs” (8:30 p.m., NBC).

Director Richard Lewis puts the hang in hang gliding on tonight’s “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (9 p.m., CBS).

A tough decision for “Will & Grace” (9 p.m., NBC): Who to take to “The Nutcracker?” Gay best friend or husband?

The Army battles aliens on “Taken” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi). What’s the point spread?

“Frontline” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) looks into the dangers of overmedicating children, thus losing Eli Lilly as a contributor.

What keeps Katie Couric and Jennifer Lopez in shape? MSG, parsley or Flintstones Vitamins? Find out if you dare on “Secrets of Superstar Fitness” (9 p.m., Discovery Health).

Boss Tweed and Tammany Hall control “Gangs of New York” (9 p.m., Discovery), yet manage to come in under budget.

Azaleas are damaged and front lawns are crossed on an episode of “The Jamie Kennedy Experiment” (9 p.m., WB) where most of the participants are in on the hidden camera hijinks, and the rest are plants.

“Tough Enough” (9:30 p.m., MTV) asks “Who gets into trouble in Iceland?” I would guess, after her 2001 Oscar dress, Bjork.

A father and daughter disappear “Without a Trace” (10 p.m., CBS).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Friends” (8 p.m., NBC): Selma Blair. Plot: Monica gets jealous of the guest star.

!sdrawkcab snur edosipe ehT :tolP .bbiB eilseL :(CBN ,.m.p 01) “RE”

AND THE LOSERS ARE…

The Maxwell Award, the Davey O’Brien Memorial Award, the Doak Walker Award and the Outland Trophy are among the many presentations I’ve never heard of on “The College Football Awards Show”(7 p.m., ESPN) from Lake Buena Vista, Florida.

FIVE ONION RINGS!

An angel decides that someone newly dead “Must Be Santa” (7 p.m., ABC Family), which somehow annoys the otherwise upbeat Dabney Coleman.

In a remarkable bit of product placement, it’s revealed that the ox and ass kept time using a Tag Heuer chronograph watch on “Animals of the Nativity” (8 p.m., Animal Planet).

Over at the Cartoon Network, everything’s Smurfy except for the Smurfs that accidentally Smurf the Smurf on “The Smurfs’ Christmas” (8 p.m.) and “‘Tis the Season to Be Smurfy” (8:30 p.m.)

Michele Lee and Elmo Shropshire “star” in “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” (8 p.m., WB).

Brooks and Dunn present a trio of new holiday videos on “Most Wanted Live Christmas” (9 p.m., CMT).

Happy the New Year baby is missing, causing Santa to issue an Amber Alert on “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” (9 p.m., ABC Family).

Will President Hoover free a man accused of a crime that he did not commit (Robert Urich) with the help of “The Angel of Pennsylvania Avenue” (9 p.m., Hallmark)? Probably.

John Ritter experiences a miracle in “Holy Joe” (9 p.m., Lifetime). As if having a hit on ABC isn’t enough?

TALK TALK

* Stone Phillips has new information from the DC-area sniper case “including what you didn’t hear about the FBI manhunt,” and he’ll reveal it to the 13 people who watch “Donahue.”

* Anna Paquin reveals she’s been taking organ lessons on “The Daily Show.”

* Allison Janney flirts with Martin Scorsese on “The Late Show With David Letterman.”

* The Wallflowers perform for Jay Leno.

* Model Veronica Varekova would rather be Counting Crows than sitting anywhere near Rob Schneider on “The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

* Patrick Stewart, Paget Brewster and Brian Setzer unveil their plan to invade Newfoundland to a befuddled Conan O’Brien.

* Andy Richter and Busta Rhymes reunite for the first time after finding their real mother on “Last Call With Carson Daly.”

FRIDAY MORNING

* Elijah Wood meets the troll king Roger Ebert, while Carly Simon thinks the show is about her and not Regis and Kelly.

* Jennifer Lopez, “ET’s” Henry Thomas and “Barbara Walters’ personal hairstylist” Bryant Renfroe are just three things from another planet on “The View.”

* Allison Janney and Carly Simon compare shampoos with Caroline Rhea.

* Tisha Campbell Martin, Greg Proops and Busta Rhymes all wonder who Joe Viterelli is on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

What, they couldn’t get Zach Galifianakis?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, December 13, 2002

All times Eastern

A Billy Graham special “Truth on TV” may preempt programming on any number of local affiliates, possibly in the 8 p.m. hour, with music from the Gaither Vocal Band, Third Day and George Beverly Shea.

A bounty hunter hopes to capture River on “Firefly” (8 p.m., Fox), making his mission a “Fett accompli.”

On “Providence” (8 p.m, NBC), curly haired woman, courtesy of a tornado, is in Tennessee, where she asks the Wizards of NBC not to be sent home with a pink slip.

The hills are alive on “Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) with the sounds of the Von Trapp family.

Nola August stars in the abduction film “Stolen Miracle,” or, “My Baby, My Baby, Where Is My Baby? You Stole My Baby! Give Me Back My Baby! At Long Last I Have My Baby!” (9 p.m., Lifetime).

“Fortune Hunters” (9 p.m., Hallmark Channel) involves a lost winning lottery ticket. But that’s not really important when you consider that this film has one of the weirdest casts since the “Airport” movies: Richard Thomas, Maureen McCormick, Corey Feldman, Randy Travis and Estelle Getty.

In the shocking conclusion of “Taken” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi), the aliens shoot Jack Bauer’s wife.

W and Mrs. W chat with Baba Wawa on “20/20” (10 p.m., ABC), requiring the President to be in touch, so we can too.

“48 Hours Investigates” (10 p.m., CBS) the murder of a secret service agent’s son.

I really could have gone another four or five years without reading the title “Extreme Funerals” (10 p.m., Discovery).

Will Taggart become a Synthetic, having been infected with nanobots? Find out on “Odyssey 5” (10 p.m., Showtime).

“Jeremiah” (10:55 p.m., Showtime) and Curdy meet Captain Iron, and Erin discovers a shocking secret while spying on Markus.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Greetings From Tucson” (9 p.m., WB): Los Lobos. Plot: Will a garage band be ruined with the addition of a sitcom family member? Yes, just like when “The Drew Carey Show” did this episode where Kate and the guys performed “A Taste of Honey.”

THE ISLAND OF MISFIT HOLIDAY SPECIALS

“How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (8 p.m., WB) is three sizes better than the Jim Carrey version.

An obnoxious seven-year-old sets “The Santa Trap” (8 p.m., Pax), and St. Nick, played by Dick Van Patten, winds up in jail. Costars Robert Hays, Shelley Long, Stacy Keach and Corbin Bernsen must all have the same bad agent.

Yes, we certainly recall “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (8 p.m., CBS). “Robbie the Reindeer” we’re a little fuzzy on. The British import (revoiced for us knuckle-dragging Americans) stars in two cartoons on the Tiffany network tonight: “Hooves of Fire” (9 p.m.) and “Legend of the Lost Tribe” (9:30 p.m.) Among the celebs taking work from professional voice-over talent: Ben Stiller, Hugh Grant, Jim Belushi, Brad Garrett, Leah Remini and yes, Britney Spears.

Bryan Cranston and his 14-year-old TV nephew (apparently Frankie Muniz wanted too much cash) steal Santa’s sleigh on “‘Twas the Night” (8 p.m., Disney).

Jim Belushi’s other gig for the night is as a voice on “A Scooby-Doo Christmas” (8:30 p.m., WB) alongside Casey Kasem, Mindy Cohn and Peter Scolari, as the gang discovers the secret of the headless snowman of Winter Hollow. (Ugh.) Know what I don’t want under my Christmas tree? The DVD or VHS of the “Scooby-Doo” movie.

“A Charlie Brown Christmas” (9 p.m., ABC) is the same show I described last Sunday.

Will “Reba” (9 p.m., WB) spend December 24th alone on tape in front of a live studio audience? Possibly.

TALK TALK

* Natasha Richardson charms Dave while David Gray makes Paul wonder if he’s “anything.”

* Jennifer Garner and “Prince” (formerly known as “The Artist” formerly known as “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince” and/or the unpronounceable symbol, formerly known as “Prince,” formerly known as “Prince Rogers Nelson”) guest on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (formerly known as “funny”).

* Kevin Nealon appears on the “Late Late Zone With Craig Kilborn.”

* Martin Scorsese, Paget Brewster, Tony Bennett and k.d. lang beguile Conan O’Brien.

* John Leguizamo, Brooke Burke, Taproot, Louis Ramsey and Tori Amos confound Carson Daly.

Escape from the North Pole!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, December 14-15, 2002

All times Eastern

SATURDAY

It’s Toby Keith night on CMT as he makes his premier appearance on the “Grand Ole Opry Live” (8 p.m.), which is followed by a look at his career on “Inside Fame” (9 p.m.).

“Sports Owners: Who’s the Boss?” (8 p.m., History) looks at what it means to own a franchise/run a modern-day plantation.

Live and/or pretaped from the Downtown Athletic Club in New York, it’s the “Heisman Trophy Presentation” (8 p.m., ESPN)!

Game Show Network is calling off night school classes for a “Snow Day” (8 p.m.) marathon of Christmas-themed episodes from original series “Russian Roulette,” “Friend or Foe?” and “Lingo,” plus classic episodes of “Family Feud” and “Beat the Clock.”

The remake of “Ocean’s Eleven” (8 p.m.) makes its HBO debut.

“Impact” (8 p.m., Discovery Health) looks at the deadly side of “Jackass” with failed motorcycle and ski jumps, an athlete hit by a car, and an innocent bystander hit by a catapulted ladder.

Tom Berenger stars in “Junction Boys” (9 p.m., ESPN), a hellish tale of football coach Paul “Bear” Bryant and an infamous 1954 training camp session with his players.

The always brilliant Margaret Cho reveals just went wrong with her ABC sitcom during the concert film “I’m the One That I Want” (11 p.m., Sundance Channel).

AND THE WELL DRESSED WINNERS ARE…

Dennis Miller once again hosts the “GQ Men of the Year Awards” (10 p.m., NBC). You could always find out the winners at the newsstand, but the television edition has about 300 fewer cologne ads.

CUTE CARDS

“Saturday Night Live”: Al Gore / Phish.

BRING ON THE SINGING DOGS!

Arseniooooooooo Haaaaaaaall hosts the “Soul Train Christmas Starfest” (syndicated), featuring Natalie Cole, Babyface, Patti LaBelle, Kenny Loggins, Lou Rawls, Smokey Robinson, Luther Vandross, Vanessa Williams, Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin.

Cartoon Network has a Christmas marathon featuring “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” (11 a.m.), “Flintstone Christmas” (noon), “‘Tis the Season to Be Smurfy” (1 p.m.), “Smurfs’ Christmas Special” (1:30 p.m.), “Yogi’s First Christmas” (2 p.m.), “The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus” (4 p.m.), “A Flintstones Christmas Carol” (6 p.m.), “Twelve Tiny Christmas Tales” (7:30 p.m.), “Olive, the Other Reindeer” (8 p.m.), “The Town Santa Forgot: (9 p.m.) and the “Johnny Bravo Christmas” (9:30 p.m.).

Romeo Muller’s “Frosty the Snowman” stars in two specials on CBS, the original hosted by Jimmy Durante (8 p.m.), and the environmentalist sequel “Frosty Returns” (8:30 p.m.) with John Goodman and Jonathan Winters.

“Call Me Claus” (8 p.m., TNT) was one of last year’s absurdist tales of a popular comedian inheriting the Santa powers, starring the natural choice, Whoopi Goldberg.

The original is always the best, particularly with “Miracle on 34th Street” (8:01 p.m., Fox Movie Channel), starring Maureen O’Hara and Miss Natalie Wood.

Santa’s elves may have knocked over a Salvation Army truck on “The District” (9 p.m., CBS). Will Craig T. Nelson be an effective crime deterrent while dressed as their boss, or will that just make him look silly?

I think “Holiday at Pops!” (9 p.m., A&E) should be airing on PBS instead, but whaddaya gonna do. The Boston Pops Orchestra Christmas spectacular features guests Martina McBride, Take 6 and Jimmy Tingle.

Linda Hamilton and her son take in WWII soldiers on a “Silent Night” (9 p.m., Hallmark Channel). Hopefully the Terminators can’t travel back that far in time.

SUNDAY

James Lipton’s stack of blue cards is thicker than usual for a two-hour chat with Martin Scorsese, “Inside the Actors Studio” (7 p.m, Bravo).

Leela learns what happened to her parents on “Futurama” (7 p.m., Fox).

An updated “Nancy Drew” (7 p.m., ABC) returns to the time slot where I used to see her back in the 1970s. The Hardy Boys better not have one of them boy bands, I tell ya.

“Being John Malkovich” (7:30, Comedy Central) features bumper segments from Spike Jonze’s new film “Adaptation” starring Nicolas Cage.

One’s a buffoon, and the other’s a real clown … and they fight crime in a world without hope on “The Simpsons” (8 p.m., Fox).

“Becker” (8 p.m., CBS) makes Chris jealous with a new squeeze during the holidays.

Been a-hankering for the goose-fat-roasted potatoes Mom used to make? “Emeril’s Happy Happy Holidays” (8 p.m., Food Network) should sate your cravings.

Robert Townsend and Morgan Fairchild “star” in “I Was a Teenage Faust” (8 p.m., Showtime), an updated tale of a teen tempted to sell his soul to “Mr. Five.”

Hank discovers that his buddy Dale has been plotting under his very nose and/or floor on “King of the Hill” (8:30 p.m., Fox).

Elizabeth Gaskell’s “Wives and Daughters” begins on “Masterpiece Theatre” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

Eugene fills in for Bobby, who’s slowly turning into Ally McBeal on “The Practice” (10 p.m., ABC).

“TV Land Legends: The 60 Minutes Interviews” (10 p.m., TV Land) grills Jim Burrows.

Butch Patrick of “The Munsters” is willing to be fixed up on a pair of “Star Dates” (10:30 p.m., E!), as they were apparently unable to find a celebrity.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“American Dreams” (8 p.m., NBC): Ashanti as Dionne Warwick. Plot: Holiday bonuses, and mistletoe.

“Alias” (9 p.m., ABC): Faye Dunaway. Plot: The Alliance investigates the disappearance of Emily.

“The Anna Nicole Holiday Special” (10 p.m., E!): Margaret Cho. Plot: Happy holidaze.

AND THE LOSERS ARE…

How do you win one of the “Big in 2002 Awards” (9 p.m., VH1)? Nobody’s really sure, even the celebrities who won the statuettes

DEPENDENT CLAUS

Jean Smart hosts “America’s Greatest Christmas Decorations” (7 p.m., NBC) with highlights of low lighting.

John Steinbeck narrates the 1952 film “O. Henry’s Full House” (6:01, Fox Movie Channel), a quintet of short stories including “Gift of the Magi.” Fred Allen, Anne Baxter and Charles Laughton star.

Patrick Stewart is visited by three visitors from assorted stardates in “A Christmas Carol” (9 p.m., TNT).

See the point where Chevy Chase really started coasting in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (9 p.m., NBC).

Carla Gugino is mistaken for an heiress while on the run with Laura Dern’s children in “A Season for Miracles” (9 p.m., Hallmark).

Over at the Food Network, Al Roker celebrates a “Colonial Christmas at Williamsburg” (9 p.m.) but can only digest a cup of food after that stomach surgery of his. It’s followed by an Old West “Rocky Mountain Holiday” (10 p.m.).

Get a look at “The White House Christmas 2002” (9 p.m., HGTV ) from a better cameraman than Presidential pooch Barney.

Jason Alexander is “The Man Who Saved Christmas” (9 p.m., CBS) as a toymaker who helped ensure that children still had playthings during the rationing of World War I.

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK

* Caroline Rhea and Sela Ward act just like “Sisters” on “The View.”

* On Caroline Rhea’s own show, Denis Leary makes her spell his name correctly.

* David Hasselhoff offers to jump Molly Sims and Jamie Jones (and not with the KITT car) on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

A very good new reason not to shop at Target

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, December 16, 2002

All times Eastern

As usual, the “King of Queens” (8 p.m., CBS) gets distracted by something shiny. This week’s fixation is a childhood toy named Mentalo.

Holiday invitations are tendered on “Boston Public” (8 p.m., Fox), although not everyone makes it through a snowstorm to accept.

The teams of “Monster Garage” (8 p.m., Discovery) face the task of building a machine that will shake almonds to the ground, but not damage either the orchard or the fruit. What are they, nuts?

Why was the millionaire computer exec killed while mugging a middle-class couple? “Monk” (8 p.m., ABC) solves the crime again, this time for the audience without basic cable.

“The Pet Psychic” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) works with jealous animals stressed out by having to share their domains with a new critter. Not unlike the former incumbents clearing out their congressional offices this time of year.

The World AIDS Day “Staying Alive Concert” (8 p.m., MTV) runs at least one more time, giving you another change to catch Alicia Keys, Missy Elliott, Dave Matthews, and that darned important message.

I can’t believe it is butter on “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network). Raise your cholesterol just by watching him whip up some homemade butter, hot buttered rum cocktail, warm spicy butter-poached shrimp, blue cheese and butter-stuffed chicken breasts.

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) looks at how Don Knotts worked to create Barney Fife.

While Rob Reiner is on a national kick to get both parents to spend lots of time with their kids shortly after birth, Greg of “Yes, Dear” (8:30 p.m., CBS) would much rather spend his paternity leave back at work.

On “One on One” (8:30 p.m., UPN), Flex meets his ex-wife and her new boyfriend, and doesn’t act like Dr. Phil would suggest.

Trisha Yearwood appears at the “Hard Rock Live” (9 p.m., CMT), despite the completely different musical genre in the title.

Chances are whichever team wins the “Monday Night Football” clash between the New England Patriots and Tennessee Titans (9 p.m., ABC) can actually make it into a bowl game in January. What are there now, 30 of the darned things?

When I think of the holidays, I think of Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen, and realize I do have a wonderful life after all. “Fastlane’s” tough boss hosts “The Greatest Christmas Moments of All Time!” (9 p.m., Fox), or at least the cheapest tapes they could get clearance to present.

Ray has an identity crisis on “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS). You’d think being surrounded by such well-defined stereotypes, he’d have no problems identifying himself.

Kenny, Kyle, Cartman and Stan will no doubt be watching “Brian Boitano’s Skating Spectacular” (9 p.m., ESPN) in Las Vegas.

Holiday parties frustrate William on “Girlfriends” (9 p.m., UPN) as he’s unable to be Santa Claus for Maya’s son and to host an office party for his girlfriend at the same time. Fortunately it’s not prom season.

“WWE RAW” (9 p.m., TNN) offers some results from last night’s pay-per-view event “Armageddon.” Is the world of ‘rasslin’ forever changed? Or just changed enough to let the plots run another few months before the next earth-shattering event?

It’s fight night on “Still Standing” (9:30 p.m., CBS) since Bill spent their home repair money on a big-screen TV. Have I mentioned this week, in an unpaid endorsement, how great those Phillips brand flat-screen televisions are?

“CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS) takes on those girls who always seem to have gone wild. Not the topless college bimbos of E!, but the kind featured on “Maury/Montel/Ricki, help me with my Wild Child!” Was one of the juvenile boot camp girls too much dramedy for guest star Blair Brown to handle?

A murdered cop-killer can only mean one thing on “Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC). That’s right, it’s the Christmas episode!

USA Network presents “Bon Jovi: Live in New York” (10 p.m.) from the Grand Ballroom of New York’s Manhattan Center.

“Human Instinct” (10 p.m., TLC) explores some of our “Deepest Desires.” Look for product placement from Krispy Kreme.

“Rank” (10 p.m., E!) offers a subjective list of “The Top 25 Entertainers of 2002” which isn’t weighted enough to include both James Trafficant and South Park’s “Lemmiwinks.”

“Mugshots” (10 p.m., Court TV) is probably not the publicity Robert Blake might have wanted for recent DVD release of “The Best of Baretta.”

“I Love the ’80s” (10 p.m., VH1) offers yet another look at the nostalgia revival that’s lasted even longer than the decade itself.

Those busy watching everything else Tuesday nights should remember about the other weekly airing of “24” (11 p.m., FX).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“The Parkers” (8 p.m., UPN) Jasmine Guy. Plot: Lucy and Ethel fumble their way into jobs on a soap opera.

HE’LL SAY “ARE YOU MARRIED?” WE’LL SAY “NO, MAN!” AND THEN DR. LAURA WILL TELL US THAT IT’S IMMORAL TO JUST BE “SHACKING UP”

“Yule Toons” (9:30 p.m., Cartoon Network) pours old wine into a new bottle.

TALK TALK

* Al Roker was told by the NBC brass he had to guest with “Donahue.”

* Senator Chuck Schumer will probably have a Lott of questions on “The Daily Show,” but not as many as interviewer Ed Gordon has for a certain troubled Mississippi senator on “BET Tonight.”

* Dave wholeheartedly welcomes Catherine Zeta-Jones and Coldplay, but is still annoyed at having to deal with the “Survivor” losers.

* Elijah Wood helps kick off the hard-core PR blitz for “Lord of the Rings” with a “Tonight Show” appearance, alongside Julie Scardina and the animals of Sea World.

* Patrick Stewart, Sara Rue and the Wallflowers all enjoy their complimentary T-shirts after an appearance on “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

TUESDAY MORNING

* Lorraine Bracco and Mariah Carey compare and contrast the latest styles of Aquanet on “The View.”

* If Caroline Rhea won’t do it, perhaps Elijah Wood.

* Andy Richter, Marilu Henner and the cast of “The Nutcracker” fulfill Wayne Brady’s wildest dreams of a “White Christmas.”

“You can follow me wherever I go.”

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, December 17, 2002

All times Eastern

Pretaped, from New York, it’s the 90-minute “Saturday Night Live Christmas 2002” (8 p.m., NBC) special! (Can’t they just move “Frasier” back to Thursdays?)

“Nova” (8 p.m/check local listings, PBS) presents the story of “Titanic’s Lost Sister,” Midge.

Anyone watching “That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox) knows that Donna’s more intelligent than Eric, but now she has an SAT score to prove it. Ow, that smarts.

Dad lets his son begin dating at 13, which screams “double standard” to the girls who had to wait until they were older, on “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” (8 p.m., ABC).

Money problems, mystery illness, pregnancy and a mission aboard an aircraft carrier may prevent the crew of “JAG” (8 p.m., CBS) from celebrating Christmas together, unless the writers solve everything with five minutes to spare.

“At Home With Tara Lipinski” (8 p.m., HGTV) will no doubt bring back happy memories of all those newsmagazine features they’d show during the Olympics that just made you want to yell “Show us the ***** **** **********ing skating already, you ********ing ****ers!”

“Body Human” (8 p.m., Science Channel) looks, mostly up, at the “World’s Tallest People.”

Giles and a trio of slayers-in-training rescue “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (8 p.m., UPN). But are any of them telegenic enough to join the cast if Sarah Michelle Gellar leaves? Probably not.

Want to make your neighbor’s group therapy members a little more paranoid? Get the gang at your office to come eavesdrop on them, as demonstrated on “Andy Richter Controls the Universe” (8:30 p.m., Fox).

“Rock the House” (8:30 p.m., VH1) gives a lucky fan a room makeover in the style of Paula Abdul, since her fellow “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell has no following.

Since Hallmark has their new Christmas ornaments in stores by mid-July at the latest, having “Celtic Tides” (9 p.m., Bravo) celebrate St. Patrick’s Day a mere four months early seems almost normal.

Nina meets with Faheen as Jack and Michelle try to translate their conversation for clues, while Kim and her boyfriend are taken in for questioning about the fresh corpse in Gary’s car, all sometime between 3 and 4 p.m. on “24” (9 p.m., Fox).

“I Love the ’80s” (9 p.m., VH1) looks at 1982 and the powerful forces of Erno Rubik’s “Cube,” “The Dukes of Hazzard” and “Trivial Pursuit,” followed by 1983 and the dawning of Madonna and the compact disc.

“Human Instinct” (9 p.m., TLC) looks at what drives people to win at all costs, and/or to save lives.

The documentary “Hell House” (9 p.m., Sundance) (not to be confused with the design of Paula Abdul) explores the extreme lengths a fundamentalist Denver church goes to in order to scare teens straight, lest they engage in the drugs, the abortion, and/or the homo-sex-shu-ality.

Roy Blount, Jr., channels the spirit of Mark Twain as he looks at the history and present state of the Mighty Mississippi, a.k.a. “The Main Stream” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

Claude produces a demo tape for Kipp on “Less Than Perfect” (9:30 p.m., ABC) which can’t be worse than (the thankfully canceled) “Dinotopia.”

“Modern Marvels” (10 p.m., History Channel) devotes an entire hour to the runway.

The decision on “Judging Amy” (10 p.m., CBS) is whether or not to close the book on a child who’s been missing for over four years and legally declare her dead.

On a rerun of the season opener of “NYPD Blue” (10 p.m., ABC), a pimp is after Sipowicz while Detective Clark’s name turns up in the appointment book of a murdered prostitute.

The stylists of “What Not to Wear” (10 p.m., BBC America) tackle the misguided fashion sense of a woman with large breasts. (Can they please come replace Bobby Trendy?)

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“According to Jim” (8:30 p.m., ABC): musician Brad Paisley. Plot: There’s trouble a-brewin’ in the band, with Paisley as their Yoko.

“The Guardian” (9 p.m., CBS): Farrah Fawcett. Plot: A rare hostage situation in which Fawcett is, for once, not “the crazy one.”

“Life With Bonnie” (9:30 p.m., ABC): Rip Taylor. Plot: A gossip columnist joins “Good Morning, Chicago.” You do know that Taylor carries around a high-powered confetti cannon these days, right? Ah, what you can learn from watching “The Anna Nicole Show.”

DEEP AND CRISP, YET UNEVEN

Widow-woman Reba McEntire celebrates the “Secret of Giving” (7 p.m., ABC Family) with the help of a hunk on horseback.

Let’s say you’re trapped in the house on a snow day. Isn’t it the perfect time to whip up a batch of jambalaya, chicken packets, pound cake and Hurricane cocktails? Only if you’re “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network).

“The Christmas Truce” (8 p.m., History Channel) examines the story of Christmas, 1914, when Allied and German soldiers gathered peacefully in No Man’s Land.

TALK TALK

* Phil Donahue asks why the most important mission of some Christians is converting as many Jews as possible. Haven’t they watched “Stolen Summer?”

* Charles Barkley does anything he wants to on “The Daily Show.”

* Both Rod Stewart and Dave think Drew Barrymore is sexy. Hopefully neither has to be cooled off in the “Will It Float?” tank.

* “The Fruitcake Lady” and Hugh Grant visit “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

* Barbara Walters and a desperate Colin Quinn rock out to the Spanish Wrestling madness of Los Strait Jackets on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”

WEDNESDAY MORNING

Barbara Walters and Rob Thomas perform their Santana-inspired duet “Soft Lighting” for Regis and Kelly.

* Denzel Washington, Derek Luke, Joy Bryant and Jeffrey Ross sip from oversized latte mugs on “The View.”

* Julianna Margulies and “Ed’s” Lesley Boone fight backstage at the wardrobe rack of “The Caroline Rhea Show,” so you know it’s probably over a feather boa.

John Cusack for President, 2004!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, December 18, 2002

All times Eastern

“60 Minutes II” (8 p.m., CBS) correspondent Bob Simon gets put into his own video game (Rated AARP, for ages 57 and up).

Is Molly dumb enough to apply for the principal’s job at Stuckeyville High on “Ed” (8 p.m., NBC)? You know the job description seems to involve sleeping with Carol.

Is it to much to ask “The True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) to find out why Kirstie Alley can’t just cut her hair instead of having to brush it out of her face every 8.7 seconds?

Audiovent performs “Live at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” (8 p.m., MTV).

And now the final nail in the coffin of the once great channel American Movie Classics: “Coming up next, Keanu Reeves in ‘Chain Reaction’ (8 p.m.)”.

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) gets into the holiday spirit with the whimsical tales of the Manson Girls.

A radioactive storm forces the entire crew of the “Enterprise” (8 p.m., UPN) into a maintenance shaft for an entire starweek.

“Dogfighting: Dangerous Duels” (8 p.m., Discovery) is not about WWII planes, but instead shows evil owners training their pets to attack one another as if they were Fox News analysts.

Jon Voight and Gil Bellows star in “Second String” (8 p.m., TNT), another one of those exciting sports films where a bumbling squad is called up to the big league. We knew the Buffalo Bills were famous for choking, but how often does it happen because of food poisoning?

“Ripley’s Believe It or Not!” (8 p.m., TBS) offers the man who’s turning into a cat, a giant skateboard, a foot archer, and finger transplants. Following that, “Worst-Case Scenario” (9 p.m.) has more than you ever needed to know about giving animals CPR.

The geezers, the whiners and the bald-is-beautiful teams head for home on “The Amazing Race 3” (9 p.m., CBS). Will $1 million be enough to pay for the winning duo’s supply of Viagra ™, therapy and/or Rogaine ™?

Barbara Walters’ list of “The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2002” (9 p.m., ABC) includes, in no particular order, Halle Berry, Ozzy Osbourne, Tobey Maguire, Doctors Atkins and “Phil,” Charles Moose, Sarah Hughes, Sherron Watkins, Queen Elizabeth II and one important player to be named later. (We’re betting it’s not Pete Rose.)

The team’s new foe turns out to be the woman who killed Dinah’s mother on “Birds of Prey” (9 p.m., WB). Shame Mandy Patinkin couldn’t fit into the Huntress costume, now isn’t it?

“Unsolved History” (9 p.m., Discovery) looks into the death of the Red Baron. One hopes Snoopy has his alibi in order.

“I Love the ’80s” (9 p.m., VH1) offers the fads and fame of 1984 and 1985 with Miss Mary Lou Retton, the Brat Pack, Pound Puppies and “Back to the Future.”

Aquatic tug of war is the function of the weapons of mass construction built on tonight’s “Junkyard Wars” (9 p.m., TLC).

Jerry Falwell will likely be too busy counting his money to watch “Muhammad: Legacy of a Prophet” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS), an examination of the life of the prophet and his 14 centuries of influence on his followers.

This item is carefully constructed to feature the series “Good Eats” (9 p.m., Food Network). But I’d rather not put the show’s subject, fruitcake, in the same sentence as the program’s title.

What’s Sandra Bullock’s dark side? Only her hairdresser knows for sure, but allegedly all will be “Revealed With Jules Asner” (10 p.m., E!).

Last week’s “Extreme Makeover” (10 p.m., ABC) special repeats with extra footage, a seeming makeover in and of itself.

“MTV Cribs” (10 p.m., MTV) explores the lair of the Playboy Mansion. Oh look, Bill Maher.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“The Bernie Mac Show” (8 p.m., Fox): Matt Damon, Lucy Lawless. Plot: Nobody notices when Tom Ripley kills and replaces Bernie Mac except the kids, who think this “Uncle Tom’s” cabin is more fun.

PA-RUMP-PAH-PUM-PUM

“The next Barbra Streisand,” Linda Eder performs her first Christmas concert (8 p.m., Bravo).

“Billy Gilman’s Classic Christmas” (10 p.m., CMT) shares a holiday wish with Charlotte Church, as they’re both dreaming of an oil-free complexion.

TALK TALK

* The white men continue to whine on “Donahue.” It seems that women have it easier than men in everything from relationships to conditions in the work place and the military. (Meanwhile, the white men, still have all that, whaddaya call it, oh right, “money.”)

* Edward Norton and Jon Stewart discuss their favorite soaps on “The Daily Show.”

* Denzel Washington and Kobe Bryant try to catch cabs all night on “The Late Show With David Letterperson.”

* Roberto Benigni enters “The Tonight Show” by climbing over every seat in the audience.

* Lea Thompson is out of work over at Lifetime, and naturally turns to the one man who can get her work, albeit on the cover of Maxim: Craig Kilborn.

* Nathan Lane flirts with Dave Matthews’ band on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”

* Sheryl Crow thrills Orlando Jones with tales of her “Big Brother 3” concert on “Last Call With, or Without, Carson Daly.”

THURSDAY MORNING

* Natasha Richardson and Barry Manilow do do that voodoo that they do so well for Regis and Kelly.

* Jamie-Lynn Sigler will come out of her dressing room on “The View” only if John Cusack turns off his darned boom box.

It was either that, or get a blood transfusion from RuPaul

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, December 19, 2002

All times Eastern

In an exclusive interview with White Entertainment Television, Trent Lott reveals he’s planning to make America (or at least Bill O’Reilly) happy by publicly adopting a sassy 9-year-old African American girl, the daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. The two will then star in a Friday night sitcom on ABC. In the first episode, she gets a higher security clearance than Lott, which she’ll need when she has to defend the Capitol Building from two wacky al Qaeda members (a.k.a. “The Wet Terrorists”) at Christmas after she misses her new dad’s flight to a tobacco junket, leaving her “House Alone!”

The WB is all reruns tonight, but it’s not like you were really going to watch anyway. You will be interested in knowing that NBC’s lineup might be new to you, only if you haven’t seen them already (which you have).

Humans run from “Dinotopia” (8 p.m., ABC). This is the plot, as well.

The remaining contestants of “Survivor: Thailand” (8 p.m., CBS) stand around, sit around, walk, take a quiz, worship the land they almost respected and/or cast members we’ve long forgotten, and give one boring tribe member a million dollars. A reunion show in L.A. (10 p.m.) makes me wonder why they still think this makes for an exciting three-hour broadcast.

Just the thought of the Mystery Basket on “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) scares me more than entire film catalogue of Wes Craven.

Teen detectives rescue their hapless teacher in “Get a Clue” (8 p.m., Disney), starring either Amanda Plummer or Ian Gomez as said authority figure.

As Heismans are shined, and everyone growls about the BCS system, what better time to watch the profile “Jim Brown: All-American” (8 p.m., HBO).

The documentary “Rat” (8 p.m., National Geographic Channel) would need another “t” at the end to air on VH1.

“Behind the Music” (8 p.m., VH1) explores that giant military recruiting music video that was “Top Gun.”

I’d describe the plot of “Down to You” (8 p.m., Fox), but the mere fact that the “film” stars Freddie Prinze, Jr. means there isn’t one.

Christmas comes to the “WWE SmackDown!” (8 p.m., UPN), which means the boys will be dressed in swaddling clothes … on purpose.

How do you get attention in Vegas? Find out how one of the glitzier hotels manages to do so on “The Bellagio Revealed” (8 p.m., Travel Channel).

There’s enough material tonight for the entire first season of ABC’s “Veritas” on “The Quest for the True Cross” (8 p.m., Discovery), “The Shroud of Turin” (“History’s Mysteries,” 8 p.m., History Channel) and “Dead Sea Scrolls: Unraveling the Mystery” (9 p.m., Discovery).

“I Love the ’80s” (9 p.m., VH1) reminds us there was life before Ferris Bueller, ALF and the second act of aging rock band Aerosmith in 1986. Plus, the joys of 1987’s “Married … With Children,” “Moonlighting,” Coreys Feldman and Haim, and divas in training Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.

“Frontline” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) crams the history of the Muslim world into a two-hour documentary, and still leaves time for pledge breaks offering the greatest hits of Allah on cassette for $90, or on CD for a mere $120.

Jason Alexander narrates “Sideshow” (9 p.m., TLC), despite having no experience working with … oh right.

John Ritter, “My Girl’s” Anna Chlumsky and Sarah Chalke star in “A Child’s Wish” (9 p.m., Lifetime), the true story behind the Family and Medical Leave Act. Zzzzz.

Mariel Hemingway comforts street urchins in Louisa May Alcott’s “Little Men” (9 p.m., Hallmark), though frankly the teen boys are just hoping she’ll kiss another woman.

LORD AND TAYLORS A-LEAPING

The generally hokey “true stories” of “It’s a Miracle” (8 p.m., Pax) reunite two dead loved ones in the afterlife, return a woman’s missing wedding ring, and offer the visions of a psychic Santa.

TALK TALK

* Is the party of Lincoln now one of the chief perpetrators of racism? Phil Donahue wants to know.

* John Cusack wears slacks that match his slacking on “The Daily Show.”

* The 15 losers and their king/queen deliver a Top Ten list for Dave, who’s really more interested in Tom Hanks and Phish.

* Sandra Bullock and Sean Astin dance to the music of the Brian Setzer Orchestra on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

* Tori Amos offends William Shatner with her new opus “Me and My Phaser” on “The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

* Conan O’Brien’s booking staff makes it to the letter J in their oddly organized Rolodex ™, and calls John Cusack, Jamie Kennedy and John Mayer.

* Stanley Tucci and Sum 41 discuss their latest movie and/or obnoxious garage band album on “Last Call With That White Guy.”

FRIDAY MORNING

* Hugh Grant and Ray Liotta attempt to out-rogue one another in front of Regis and Kelly.

* Robin Williams and Star Jones test depilatories on “The View.”

* I must alert my mother that Barry Manilow is going to be on “The Caroline Rhea Show.” “He’s so pleasant, I wish you’d stop making fun of him.”

No Does

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, December 20, 2002

All times Eastern

The WB prime time lineup remains in reruns.

The curly haired woman has a unique pair of guests at her wedding on “Providence” (8 p.m., NBC): old friends T.C. and Eve Russell of Harmony, Maine. The duo is crossing over from the network’s daytime soap “Passions,” so that whole business of her getting advice from her dead mother now actually makes sense.

Fox is finally airing the two-hour first episode of “Firefly” (8 p.m.), just in time for it to be the show’s last airing as well.

“Wolf in the Water: The Piranha” (8 p.m., Discovery) is just another cog in the early marketing for “Survivor: Amazon.”

It’s official: The host of “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) has been using “magic mushrooms.”

“True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m, E!) examines the “Curse of the Poltergeist” (movie, that is).

The four-hour “Personal Journey With Martin Scorsese Through American Movies” (8 p.m., Turner Classic Movies) takes slightly longer than “Gangs of New York,” but contains 97% less saturated Leonardo DiCaprio.

“Hack” (9 p.m., CBS) meets a stalked damsel in distress, whose story adds up like Mel Tillis as a grocery store cashier.

“I Love the ’80s” (9 & 10 p.m., VH1) ends its journey in 1988 and 1989 with B- and C-level stars emoting to clips of “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” George Michael, “Cops,” breast implants, the New Kids on the Block, and of course, nostalgia for the late 1960s.

Who’s responsible for the slaying of the foster child on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (10 p.m., NBC)? A family member, a social worker, or the segregationist policies of Strom Thurmond?

“The Human Canvas” (10 p.m., TLC) explores the significance of tattoos, including the ultimate in body art: a hula girl named “Mom” riding a unicorn on the deck of a battleship.

HO, HO, HO … MERRY CHRISTIANS!

“Christmas Unwrapped” (8 p.m., History) explores the journey of the seasonal festivities from the days of pagan rituals up to one of the eeriest signs of the apocalypse: “Chicken Dance Elmo.”

“A Home for the Holidays” (8 p.m., CBS) hopes to raise adoption rates via heartwarming tales from the likes of Faith Hill, Melissa Etheridge, Martin Sheen, Ellen DeGeneres, and the group I count on for advice more than anything: pop group Creed.

“Small Town Christmas” (8 p.m., HGTV) presents assorted folksy rituals around the nation that aren’t dangerous enough to be turned into “Fear Factor” stunts.

If you missed the awful, awful, awful, awful “It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” Thanksgiving weekend on NBC, I highly encourage you to miss it again at 9 p.m. on Hallmark.

“Modern Masters: White House Artisans” (9 p.m., HGTV) looks at the workload of the seven master craftsmen who were approved to decorate the national Christmas tree.

“Touched by an Angel’s” John Dye proposes to Santa Claus’ daughter in “Twice Upon a Christmas” (8 p.m., Pax). That she’s played by Kathy Ireland only adds to the movie’s credibility.

TALK TALK

* Christmas traditions are honored as Darlene Love makes her umpteenth appearance singing “Christmas Baby, Please Come Home” for David Letterman, while Jay Thomas throws a football at a meatball, and Liv Tyler promotes this year’s “Lord of the Rings” epic.

* Cameron Diaz, Harland Williams and Kylie Minogue make Jay Leno laugh, grimace and want to do the Loco-Motion.

* Hugh Grant stumbles on his words while Conan O’Brien realizes that the two might make a decent couple after all.

* Anna Paquin, Derek Jeter, John Mayer and Rob Schneider gather together on “Last Call With Carson Daly” for a round table on the literary works of Rita Sever.

Stolen Winter

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, December 21-22, 2002

All times Eastern

SATURDAY

Let’s play the Pyramid: “Okay, so I may have had a few drinks, Officer. At least I chose not to drive afterwards”; “I wasn’t trying to slash her throat, I was really just trying to clean my knife”; “I’m using that soda can to store paint because I can only afford 12 ounces.” Excuses that suspects on “COPS” (8 p.m., Fox) aren’t bright enough to articulate?

Presenting the original tale of a frustrated Italian named Tony : “Saturday Night Fever” (8 p.m., ABC), broadcast for the first time in HDTV.

The folks on “Touched by an Angel” (8 p.m., CBS) attempt to remind a group of workers given pink slips for Christmas that money isn’t everything. And we’ll be right back after these commercial messages.

“America’s Most Wanted” (9 p.m., Fox) needs your help to catch a crooked accordion peddler. Seriously.

Pop quiz: Which of the following is “The Meanest Animal in the World?” (10 p.m., Animal Planet): A) the honey badger, B) Leona Helmsley, or C) “Project Greenlight” executive producer Chris Moore.

PROJECT GREEN RED

“Your Holiday Home” (8 p.m., HGTV) explores what Jesse Ventura’s done with the Minnesota governor’s mansion for Christmas. For bonus points: Try to identify the Star/Tribune reporters’ heads stuffed and mounted over the fireplace.

“Delia Smith’s Christmas” (8 p.m., BBC America) offers three hours of advice on spicing up your holiday festivities, from the culinary genius who’s charged with changing the perception of England’s notoriously dull cuisine.

“Hercule Poirot” (8 p.m., A&E) deals with a killer who’s put the “ex” in Xmas.

Hey, hey, hey, it’s the “Fat Albert Christmas” (8 p.m., NBC) seen last year, as I recall, on UPN.

“Saturday Night Live’s” Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz voice “A Freezerburnt Christmas” (8:30 p.m., NBC), a decidedly Californian adventure in the spirit of the old Rankin/Bass specials, dude.

THE DUCK VARIATIONS

“Mad TV” presents a new Christmas show, while “SNL” dusts off last year’s Ian McKellen episode for its fourth airing.

SUNDAY

NBC is in reruns, Andy Richter is the only new show tonight on Fox, and the ABC crime-fighting lineup is oldies as well.

An eight-hour Sci-Fi Channel marathon of “In Search Of …” (1 p.m.) looks into everything from aliens to witchcraft.

Flags are eaten and anchovies are destroyed on “Futurama” (7 p.m., Fox).

“People (Magazine) in the News” (7 p.m., CNN) reports on the selection of “Time Magazine’s Person of the Year,” alleged to be “the unknown terrorist.”

“Obsessed!” (7 p.m., Discovery Health) looks at a man who refuses to dispose of refuse, a woman clawing her hair out, a women who fears being kidnapped, and the guys who keep e-mailing me when the “Howard Stern on E!” listings aren’t available for the TVBarn weekly mailer.

“60 Minutes” (7 p.m., CBS) looks into the world of America’s married Catholic priests.

That old-time religion is good enough for TV with presentations of “Who Was Moses?” (7 p.m., Discovery), “Da Vinci and the Mystery of the Shroud of Turin” (8 p.m., National Geographic), “Jesus: The Complete Story” (8 p.m., Discovery) and “Tomb of Jesus” (9 p.m., National Geographic).

“Wives and Daughters” continues on “Masterpiece Theatre” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) with a revelation from Molly’s father.

The “What the Hell Happened in 2002 Awards” (9 p.m., MTV2) has a great title, and it’s only a half-hour. Take that, Oscar and Emmy!

Erika Eleniak and Greg Evigan “star” in “Mary Higgins Clark’s He Sees You When You’re Sleeping” (9 p.m., PAX), with a dead stockbroker trying to earn his wings by battling mobsters.

Two poor women apply for “Star Dates” (10:30 p.m., E!) and wind up with “Screech” from “Saved by the Bell.” At least it guarantees they’re not stalkers.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Andy Richter Controls the Universe” (9:30 p.m., Fox): Beth Littleford. Plot: A diva bypass.

DEPENDENT CLAUSE

Jonathan Taylor Thomas dresses as Santa for reasons best left unexplained in Disney’s idiotic “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” (7 p.m., ABC).

A writer and reporter hope to track down a kid who wrote a disturbing letter to Santa in “A Town Without Christmas” (9 p.m., CBS).

The Crosby heirs celebrate “A Bing Crosby Christmas: Like the Ones We Used to Know” (9 p.m., Bravo).

For naughty kids, he’s a coal porter.

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, December 23, 2002

All times Eastern

CBS, NBC, Fox, UPN and the WB are all in repeats. Frankly, I don’t think we want to know how “Fear Factor” makes its figgy pudding.

The most important thing to remember about “JFK: Reckless Youth” (8 p.m., WE: Women’s Entertainment) is that he was hunky, according to this tv-movie.

“The Pet Psychic” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) attempts to counsel an zebra with an identity crisis. (Billie Jean is not his lover).

You’re probably not thinking about “Human Sacrifice” (8 p.m., National Geographic) nearly as much as you could be during the holidays.

“Saved by the Bell’s” Lark Voorhies falls for Kadeem Hardison, who plays as a successful black late-night talk show host in “Fire and Ice” (8 p.m., BET). So it’s obviously a comedy.

“Outside the Lines” (9 p.m., ESPN) explores the He-Man Woman Haters Club, a.k.a. the Augusta National Golf Club.

The Jennifer Beals fan club faces overpriced corn on “Monday Night Football” (9 p.m., ABC).

It doesn’t really matter what is said about the Shaker sect on “Ken Burns American Stories” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) since they’ll never see the documentary.

A show titled “Facelifts From Hell” (10 p.m., TLC) should come as no surprise to anyone who’s seen what this channel does to home interiors.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Monk” (8 p.m., ABC): Kevin Nealon. Plot: Monk lands in an asylum.

TALK TALK

* “Donahue” may very well be a rerun, as he’s promising Jerry Falwell (again).

* Terry Bradshaw goes long, not unlike Jay Leno’s chin.

* Robin Williams may let Carson Daly get a word in edgewise, which will be the first time “edge” is ever used to describe the program.

And U-Haul, a Good Night!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday and Wednesday, December 24-25, 2002

All times Eastern

CHRISTMAS EVE DAY

There’s another reason to watch the sky, or perhaps just let your satellite dish do it for you: an 11-hour “Farscape” marathon (8 a.m., Sci-Fi).

“Trigger Happy TV” (7 p.m., Comedy Central) offers a three-hour marathon of British candid camera stunts.

“MSNBC Presents” (10 p.m.) the year in pictures.

If you missed the awful “New York Friars Club Roast” of Chevy Chase, here’s another chance to ignore the rather big lump of coal on Xmas Eve (11 p.m., Comedy Central).

SNOW DAZE

* Cartoon Network and Toon Disney go all Christmas beginning at noon; ABC Family jumps the gun with seasonal programming at 11 a.m.

* An evil plant owner fires his employees, ruining “Christmas in My Hometown” (7 p.m., Lifetime).

* “Santa Jr.” (7 p.m., Hallmark Channel) may or may not be a kleptomaniac, but this is certainly two hours stolen from your life.

* I wouldn’t expect too many changes to be made in this animated “A Christmas Carol” (7:30 p.m., Nickelodeon).

* A songwriter gets blocked and becomes a sidewalk “Santa Baby!” (8 p.m., Fox).

* President Bush, Sr., narrates “It’s a Wonderful Life” (8 p.m., NBC).

* Charles Nelson Reilly, Lacey Chabert and Christopher Plummer are among the voices behind this cartoon version of “Babes in Toyland” (8 p.m., Disney).

* The Empire State Youth Orchestra and Choral groups offer “Melodies of Christmas” (8 p.m., CBS).

* “Great Performances” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) offers a performance of “The Nutcracker” by the Royal Ballet from Covent Garden.

* “Christmas Across America 2002” (8 p.m., HGTV) offers a look at celebrations from dozens of cities.

* Dick Powell stars in the Preston Sturges comedy “Christmas in July” (8 p.m., TCM) as a man who starts stimulating the economy, thinking he’s just won big.

* “Adam Sandler Presents 8 Crazy Videos” (8 p.m., MTV2) is mostly an infomercial for his awful animated movie, but it also offers highlights from the “Very Special Christmas.”

* “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) cooks up his momma’s favorite holiday dishes.

* Charlotte Church and Michael W. Smith help celebrate “Billy Gilman’s Classic Christmas” (8 p.m., CMT); later, Alan Jackson decides to “Let It Be Christmas” (9 p.m., CMT).

* Vanessa L. Williams is haunted by the ghost of Christmas past (Kathy Griffin) in “A Diva’s Christmas Carol” (8 p.m., VH1), although I find her frightening all year long.

* Little Ralphie sticks to his guns demanding the perfect gift in “A Christmas Story” (8 p.m., 10 p.m., midnight, and so on for 24 hours, TNT).

* “Holiday Festivities Around Washington, D.C.” (8 p.m., CSPAN) include the Pageant of Peace and lightings of the national and Capitol Christmas trees.

* Natalie Wood really believes in Santa in “Miracle on 34th Street” (8:01 p.m., Fox Movie Channel).

* The “Funniest Holiday Moments” (9 p.m., Fox) are the same as they were a few weeks ago.

* William Devane and Meredith Baxter meet “A Christmas Visitor” (9 p.m., Hallmark Channel) who helps them get over the loss of their son in the Persian Gulf War (One).

* “The Three Tenors Christmas” (10 p.m./check local listings, PBS) includes performances of “White Christmas” and “Adeste Fideles.”

* He made a plan and he followed through, that’s “Brian Boitano’s Skating Spectacular” (10 p.m., ESPN2).

* Don’t look for “The Tonight Show.” Jay’s been preempted for taped coverage of “Christmas Eve at Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome.”

CHRISTMAS DAY EVE (a.k.a. Wednesday)

13 hours of “Trading Spaces” (9 a.m., TLC) may help you decide what to do with your home after you toss out your tree. Unless you’d like to strip off the bark and use it as wall hangings.

“The Little Princess” (10 a.m.) kicks off a day-long marathon of Shirley Temple films and appreciation on Fox Movie Channel.

A twelve-hour “Coupling” marathon (4 p.m., BBC America) offers what passes for sitcom “Friends”-ship in England.

“Unsolved History” (9 p.m., History) probes the secrets “Inside Hitler’s Bunker.”

CANDY CANES AND ABELS

* While local versions are popular on Xmas eve, a national broadcast of “The Yule Log” (9 a.m.) airs for nine hours on the Hallmark Channel.

* Sarah Hughes skates her little heart out on “A Life in Balance” (8 p.m., NBC).

* “Arthur’s Perfect Christmas” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) also includes Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and “Baxter Day.”

* Meg Ryan, John Cusack, Kelsey Grammer, Christopher Lloyd, Hank Azaria, Bernadette Peters, Kirsten Dunst and Angela Lansbury voice the allegedly true story of “Anastasia” (8 p.m., Fox) and her battle against Rasputin.

* “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (8 p.m., CBS) is offered a key role in a package delivery strategy.

* “The White House Christmas 2002” (8 p.m., HGTV) looks at all of the artisans’ hard work which Barney the dog has already started destroying.

* A second night in a row of “Great Performances” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) offers “The Merry Widow” from the San Francisco Opera.

* Richard Thomas and Beau Bridges believe reindeer can fly in “The Christmas Secret” (9 p.m., CBS).

* “South Park” (9 p.m., Comedy Central) offers three hours of holidays past with Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.

* Game Show Network repeats its “Snow Day Special” (9 p.m.) including seasonal episodes from “Russian Roulette,” “Friend or Foe?” and “Lingo,” and classic editions of “Family Feud” and “Beat the Clock.”

* Can you get a more “Unlikely Angel” (10 p.m., Lifetime) than Dolly Parton?

* Even the Playboy Channel can’t resist indulging in a little holiday spirit with the highly tasteful broadcast of “Naked Angels” (11 p.m.).

All I want for Christmas is a throat infection

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, December 26, 2002

All times Eastern

The natural result of seeing Mommy kissing Santa Claus, Mr. Heald is currently suffering one darned painful bout of tonsillitis.

The holiday season is not necessarily the time one may want to sit through an airing of the Emmy-nominated “The Laramie Project” (4:45 p.m., HBO), but Christmas may not exactly be a happy time for the Shepard family either.

Luther Vandross, Mary J. Blige and Dr. Dre are among those present for BET’s “20th Anniversary Special” (7:30 p.m.).

Acts by WWE champion Kurt Angle enrage Brock Lesnar on “WWE SmackDown!” (8 p.m., UPN), and we can at least pretend we know what that means. Although I’m pretty sure it’s mostly about 90 minutes worth of trash-talking and maybe five minutes of wrestling.

“Alias” dad Victor Garber struts his stuff musically, if hairlessly, as another famed pop in ABC’s recent remake of “Annie” (8 p.m., ABC Family), with Kathy Bates and Broadway vets Alan Cumming, Audra McDonald and Kristin Chenoweth.

“Save Our History: Save Our Sounds” (8 p.m., History Channel) explores the preservation efforts being made by the Smithsonian Institution to ensure the music of thousands of artists, including Woody Guthrie and Leadbelly, is available for future generations.

While most of sports fandom is debating the college bowl games, the men of “Inside the NFL” (8 p.m., HBO) still have a few matters to discuss with guest commentator Cris Carter.

“Dinotopia” (8 p.m., ABC) officially becomes extinct, and they’re fighting mad about it. At least the characters involved in a boxing match are.

On the off-chance you actually lost weight over the holidays, “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) is cooking with buttermilk. Mmmmmmmm, buttermilky.

“The Trials of (Prince) Charles: King in Waiting” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) have been many, but he’d rather not hear about them, not that he can help it considering those gigantic ears.

“The Metropolitan Opera Presents” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) “Fidelio.” Mmmmmmmm, Beethoveny.

“PrimeTime Special Edition” (9 p.m., ABC) presents the gift of knowing that at least you’re not caring for a set of sextuplets, be it those of the ten-year-old Dilley brats or the new Headricks miniature soccer team.

“Insomniac With Dave Attell” (10:30 p.m. Comedy Central) takes on Nashville and a group of vampires, milkmen, and of course, adult book store janitors.

TALK TALK

* Edward Norton, Tommy Davidson and Tyrese perform for Jay Leno, while Ashton Kutcher and New Jersey Nets star Jason Kidd chat with Dave.

* “E.T.’s” Henry Thomas holds hands with Leelee Sobieski, but only gives Craig Kilborn the finger. Joe Cocker gets by with a little help from the stagehands.

* Conan O’Brien invited both Roberto Benigni and Isaac Mizrahi on the show, hoping one might serve as translator for the other.

* Tom Brokaw makes a wrong turn at 30 Rock and winds up a guest on “Last Call With Carson Daly.”

FRIDAY MORNING

* Joey Fatone and Steven Weber harmonize for Caroline Rhea.

Lord of the Ring Around the Rosie O’Donnell

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, December 27, 2002

All times Eastern

In case you were wondering, my condition turns out to be strep throat (we think).

Wacky double feature #1: Sci-Fi offers “Blade Runner” (6:30 p.m) followed by “The Running Man” (9 p.m.)

Wacky double feature #2: E!’s “The True Hollywood Story” offers two hours of “Beverly Hills 90210” gossip (7 p.m.) followed by two hours of “The Beverly Hillbillies” (9 p.m.).

Multiple generations of punk, from the anarchists to the Pepsi-sponsored, get their due in “Pistols to Present” (7 p.m., MTV2).

Our friends at The Door magazine have been following the “alleged” fakery of televangelist Benny Hinn for quite some time and have even compiled a set of videos based on the “alleged” huckster’s ministry. Tonight, “alleged” news program “Dateline” (8 p.m., NBC) examines Hinn’s paper trail along with other “Tales of the Tape,” including outrageous medical-billing errors.

It seems like the 30th airing of the “M*A*S*H: 30th Anniversary Reunion Special” (8 p.m., Fox) but they do now have the second season DVD set to promote.

“On the Record With Bob Costas” returns early for a “2002 Special Edition” (8 p.m., HBO), a look at the “most important people and events in the world of sports in the year 2002.” As always, I’m betting Pete Rose will be included.

“48 Hours Investigates” (8 p.m., CBS) takes a few moments away from serial killers and true crime for tributes to Kirk and Michael Douglas, Julie Andrews, Lauren Hutton and Loretta Lynn.

“Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) serves up all your favorites: tuna tartare with verjus, seared salmon with warm lentil ragout and wilted pea shoots, duck confit salad with dried berries, Stilton cheese, arugula and vanilla-shallot vinaigrette, and raspberry tart. Oh, wait, these are actually Leona Helmsley’s favorites, and they better be ready in 40 minutes or you’re all fired!

Colin Powell gets funky fresh with the kids of Gen-Y for “Be Heard: A Global Discussion” (8 p.m., MTV) while trying to avoid being called an Uncle Tom Green.

The “2002 Playmate Review” (8 p.m., Playboy) gives you the rare chance to see these women naked, before they’re subjected to something really degrading: appearances on “Fear Factor.”

“NOW With Bill Moyers” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) repeats its look at how the industrial revolution may be taking its toll on children via toxic exposures from thousands of synthetic chemicals introduced every year.

“The Kennedy Center Honors: A Celebration of the Performing Arts” (9 p.m., CBS) salutes artists James Earl Jones, James Levine, Chita Rivera, Paul Simon and Elizabeth Taylor. Immediately after the ceremony Taylor will have her award melted down to be used as an artificial hip replacement.

“I’m a Heisman Trophy Candidate,” say four men on “True Life” (10 p.m., MTV). Before the hour is done, at least one of them may have breast implants.

The team of “Odyssey 5” (10:15 p.m., Showtime) hopes to find a suicidal professor who believes that artificial intelligence is on the loose in cyberspace.

Lawyers and funeral directors are equally likely to take three steps toward the door in the “Lynyrd Skynyrd Uncivil War” (11 p.m., VH1).

Both babes and babies are delivered in the apocalyptic world of “Jeremiah” (11 p.m., Showtime).

TALK TALK

* Dave takes about ten seconds to say liltingly the name of guest Isabella Rossellini, but only two for Mort Sahl.

* Nick Cannon discusses his successful movie career, Darrell Hammond discusses Nick Cannon’s successful movie career, and the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band plays a medley of their greatest hit on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

* Joshua Redman is ready to appear with Craig Kilborn, while Sean Astin as always is Rudy.

* Alan Cumming, Seth Meyers and Jimmy Carr get tips on wooing the ladies from Conan O’Brien.

* Lauren Graham, Allan Houston, Jeff Ross, Orny Adams and Queens of the Stone Age make for an overstuffed edition of “Last Call With Carson Daly.”

Alleged Allegories

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, December 28-29, 2002

All times Eastern

SATURDAY

Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty search for what’s left of their careers in “Route 666” (7 p.m., Sci-Fi).

A celebrity “Fear Factor” repeat (8 p.m., NBC) allows Penn and Teller to out-creep Joe Rogan while Natasha Henstridge, Barry Williams, Gena Lee Nolin, Keshia Knight Pulliam and “Days of Our Lives’” Matt Cedeno just wish Gillette and Rogan would act more like Teller.

“CNN Presents” (8 p.m.) explores life on the USS Stennis.

“Behind Closed Doors With Joan Lunden” (8 p.m., A&E) heads to the lockdown of the Central California Women’s Facility, a stunt similar to an “Inside Edition” piece a few years back by Deborah Norville.

“That’s a Wrap: Top 50 (Videos) of 2002” (8 p.m., MTV) will count down the videos where Britney disses Justin, Christina writhes on the floor, J-Lo makes out with Ben Affleck on a yacht while telling us her life hasn’t changed (much), and Justin disses Britney. Of course, these aren’t necessarily the “best” videos of the year, just the ones most demanded by viewers of “Total Request Live.” (Wooooooooooooooo!)

“Saturday Night Live Christmas 2002” (9 p.m., NBC) makes yet another appearance on the schedule.

“America’s Most Wanted” (9 p.m., Fox) looks for a cop-killer in Miami, and celebrates the actions of a heroic heart transplant recipient.

SATURDAY FUNNIES

“Saturday Night Live” repeats the awful Robert De Niro show from earlier in the month, while “Mad TV” welcomes skater Tony Hawk and musician Xzibit.

SUNDAY

The regularly scheduled Sunday programming of ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC and the WB is either in reruns or preempted for movies this evening.

Canada’s MTV rival MuchMusic USA suddenly starts competing with VH1 by airing a double bill of “Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers” (6 p.m.) and “Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers” (8 p.m.).

It’s Farrah Night on E!, with a four-hour tour of both her personal and professional lives in “The True Hollywood Story” (6 p.m.) and the “TV Tales” bio of “Charlie’s Angels.” (8 p.m.). That’s a long time for even Ms. Fawcett to have to pay attention.

In another interesting double bill, HBO takes viewers from Iraq to a hard place, starting as Gulf War One is transmitted “Live from Baghdad” (6 p.m), and then “Behind Enemy Lines” (8 p.m) of Bosnia with Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson.

After running out into a field to greet a crane operator and several helicopters with Technicolor camera equipment, a plucky nun teaches seven allegedly cute Austrians to sing, and frankly the Nazis can’t take them away fast enough in “The Sound of Music” (7 p.m., ABC).

“60 Minutes” (7 p.m., CBS) reports on a dangerous nursing shortage (not for the nation, just for Mike Wallace and Don Hewitt).

“Dateline” (7 p.m., NBC) encourages people not to trust the police as DJ Stony Phillips and Jane-Lo Pauley dance on the top of an overturned cop car. Word.

“All Access” (7 p.m., MTV2) follows the Dave Matthews Band on tour and only smokes the tiniest bit of marijuana.

Rest your brain, open your eyes and slack your jaw as the silicone-enhanced beauties of “The Weekend Flash” (7:30, Playboy TV) deliver the latest news from Silicon Valley.

While he can’t necessarily talk with the animals, chatting with a chimp in chimpanzee, David Attenborough is certainly a good listener. “Nature” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) offers his collection of “Song of the Earth.”

“Emeril’s Kicked Up New Year’s Celebration” (8 p.m., Food Network) certainly gets kicks from champagne.

“Manhunt in the Heartland” (8 p.m., TLC) reminds viewers that you should never chase a suspect through a wheat field unless you’ve got your vehicle in four-wheel-drive.

“You’ve Got Mail” (8:30 p.m., CBS), a two-and-a-half hour commercial for America Online, shows how Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan would never have met if they’d only been downloading more bootleg Eminem tunes from Napster.

The tale of “Wives and Daughters” continues with more engagements and “enragements” on “Masterpiece Theatre” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

If you still can’t get tickets to see “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers,” let this repeat of the “Return to Middle Earth” special (9 p.m., WB), hosted by “Smallville’s” Michael Rosenbaum, whet your appetite.

“TV Land Legends: The 60 Minutes Interviews” (10 p.m.) dusts off an chat with faux CBS interviewer Candice Bergen.

Bets are lost, adults are adulterous, and ex-FBI agents are mentored on “Street Time” (10:45 p.m., Showtime).

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK

Caroline Rhea gets goo(7)gly-eyed at Pierce Brosnan.

Cough, wheeze … sleep

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, December 30, 2002

All times Eastern

It’s another long week or reruns and/or football. And the perfect time to rent “Stolen Summer” and/or “Project Greenlight” from your local video/DVD store.

The “Riddles of Lost Cultures” (8 p.m., National Geographic) include the knock-knock jokes of the Nazca and all the dirty limericks about Aquaman in Atlantis.

“Kazaam” (8 p.m., Disney), starring Shaquille O’Neal, ranks as one of 1996’s best rapping genie films starring a basketball player.

“The Pet Psychic” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) aids a grimacing greyhound, a peculiar parrot, a loner llama and a catatonic kitty.

Travel Channel prepares for the new year with a trio of magic specials: “Magic in the Streets” (8 p.m.), a look at several David Blaines in training in the alleys of L.A.; a look at (and/or near) sleight of hand and misdirection from the “Masters of Mystery” (9 p.m.); and “Death Defying Feats” (10 p.m.), including “bullet catching.”

The 49ers face the Rams if you’re “ready for some football, a Monday Night Party” (9 p.m., ABC).

The life of flamboyant lawmaker Huey Long is chronicled in “Ken Burns American Stories” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

Learn how Vespasian became “The Emperor Who Saved Rome” (9 p.m., History). All the rus down in Ruinvile loved Roman a lot…

“The Bachelor: Special Edition” (10 p.m., ABC Family) gives viewers one more chance to see Aaron pick what’s-‘er-name with “special added commentary.”

“Mugshots” (10 p.m., Court TV) explores the many lies of Kennedy kin Michael Skakel.

“CMT Got Me in With the Band” (11 p.m., CMT), says a flight attendant who’s given the chance to spend a day with Vince Gill.

LET’S BOWL!

On ESPN, the Minnesota Golden Gophers and Arkansas Razorbacks are playing in the Music City Bowl (2 p.m.) followed by a matchup of the Oregon Ducks battling the (yes, I did have to look them up, thank you very much) Wake Forest Demon Deacons in the Seattle Bowl (5:30 p.m.)

TALK TALK

* “The Caroline Rhea Show,” “The Daily Show,” “Last Call With Carson Daly,” “Late Show With David Letterman,” “The View,” “Live With Regis and Kelly” and “The Wayne Brady Show” are all in reruns and/or preempted this week, and yet, I’m working while sick as a dog. What’s that tell you?

* “The Tonight Show” welcomes Samantha Martin and her performing chickens (who’ve been stealing work from Tom Selleck).

* Joan Osborne asks “what if Craig was one of us,” while Owen Wilson and Elizabeth Berkeley continue to pretend they’re professional actors.

Why I’ve never before made football picks

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday and Wednesday, December 31, 2002 and January 1, 2003

All times Eastern

TUESDAY / NEW YEAR’S EVE

Lorin Maazel conducts a New Year’s Eve all-Gershwin concert “Live From Lincoln Center” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS), featuring pieces from “Porgy and Bess.”

Discovery Channel has great advice for you tonight: “Beware!: Bad Drivers” (10 p.m.).

LET’S BOWL!

Just when you thought sports prognostication could become no more inept, I’ve made a set of highly logical bowl game picks, which have nothing to do with the teams’ athletic abilities.

Humanitarian Bowl (noon, ESPN): Iowa State Cyclones vs. Boise State Broncos

PICK: Iowa, since the centrifugal force should keep the horsies unable to run very fast.

Sun Bowl (2 p.m., CBS): Purdue Boilermakers vs. Washington Huskies

PICK: Purdue, since their college opponents are likely to have consumed a few boilermakers the night before.

Liberty Bowl (3:30 p.m., ESPN): TCU Horned Toads vs. Colorado State Rams.

PICK: Colorado. Have you bought a two-ton truck named after an amphibian lately?

Silicon Valley Football Classic (3:30 p.m., ESPN2): Fresno State Bulldogs vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

PICK: Georgia. In a case of stings vs. biting, I’ll go with choice Bee.

Peach Bowl (7:30 p.m., ESPN) Maryland Terrapins vs. Tennessee Volunteers

PICK: Maryland, slow and steady. I would think that with all their volunteer work Tennessee would be in the Humanitarian Bowl. And can they really be considered “volunteers” since they’re all on hefty scholarships?

San Francisco Bowl (10:30 p.m., ESPN2): Air Force Falcons vs. Virginia Tech Hokies

PICK: Falcons will prey on the Hokiebirds like it’s Thanksgiving.

MARA-WANNA?

* VH1 is list-happy today, running through the “Top 30 Hip Hop Videos of All Time” (7 a.m.), “Top 40 of 2002 Countdown” (9 a.m.), “100 Most Shocking Moments in Rock & Roll” (11 a.m.), “100 Sexiest Artists” (4 p.m.), “100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders” (9 p.m.), and eighty of the “100 Greatest Love Songs” (overnight 2 a.m.).

* TNN heads to the future with 10 1/2 hours of the “Star Trek” films, “II” (9 a.m.), “III” (11:30 a.m.), “IV” (2 p.m.) and “V” (5 p.m.).

* Scantily clad women are as good a reason as any to catch five hours of “Fish On” (9 a.m., ESPN2).

* “Absolutely Fabulous” (noon, BBC America) covers most of the next ten hours, with a news broadcast or two interrupting things.

* Animal Planet’s “The Most Extreme” shows off the world’s more outrageous “Thinkers” (2 p.m.), “Builders” (3 p.m. & 2 a.m.), “Cheats” (4 p.m.), “Survivors” (5 p.m.), “Fighters” (6 p.m.), “Speed” (7 p.m.), “Jumpers” (8 p.m.), “Gluttons” (9 p.m.), “Births” (10 p.m.), “Biters” (11 p.m.), “Strength” (midnight) and “Horrors” (overnight 1 a.m.).

* Eight hours of “That’s So Raven” form “A Raven New Year’s Eve” (3 p.m., Disney), until you want to watch it evermore.

* Eight hours of “Teamo Supremo” (4:30 p.m.) bring Toon Disney into 2003.

* Nine hours of “Monster Garage” (5 p.m., Discovery Channel) may help you get out some aggression before piling into your own weirdly welded hybrid vehicle for the night.

* Rather than get naked and drunk your own self, why not watch others get arrested for it on 11 hours worth of “Cops” (7 p.m., Court TV).

* Bravo lights up the night with Cirque du Soleil for “Circus of the Sky” (7 p.m.), “Quidam” (8 p.m) and “Dralion” (10 p.m.).

* Seven hours worth of “The History of Sex” (8 p.m., TLC) will cover everything from the private lives of ancient Egyptians to Viagra.

* Discovery Health puts its best face on for five hours of “Plastic Surgery: Before and After” (8 p.m.).

* Six hours makes for a full shift on the “Third Watch” (8 p.m., A&E).

* Cartoon Network ends the year with four hours of “Adult Swim” (11 p.m.) including “Aqua Teen Hungerforce,” “The Brak Show” and “Sealab 2021.”

* HBO bids 2002 adieu with a dame: Ms. Carrie Bradshaw and 7 1/4 hours of “Sex and the City” (10 p.m.).

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!

How bad are things at ABC? The pretaped (West Coast in-studio) segments on “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2003” (10 p.m., ABC), usually passed to one of the network’s sitcom stars, are being hosted by Ali Landry of NBC’s “Spy TV.” Oh, and she’ll be reminding us how wonderful that song by “Las Ketchup” was.

Dick-Clark-in-training Carson Daly, Brittany Murphy and Ashton Kutcher host the “New Year’s Eve Pajama Party” (10:30 p.m., MTV), with appearances from Foo Fighters, Good Charlotte, Avril Lavigne and Busta Rhymes.

The best and worst of New York and New Orleans can be found on “New Year’s Eve With Dave Attell” (11 p.m., Comedy Central), with the “Insomniac” host counting down toward 2003 in, where else, a bar.

“The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” rings in the new year with Jay Mohr, Snoop Dogg and the cast of “Bring in ‘Da Noise, Bring in ‘Da Funk.” Conan as usual will be celebrating midnight for some of the other time zones, with guests Darrell Hammond, the always delightful Sarah Vowell and comedian Paul S. Tompkins.

Ryan Seacrest hosts “America’s Party: New Year’s Eve 2002” (11 p.m., Fox) from Vegas, where his former “Idol” cohost Brian Dunkleman will be happy to bring your car around.

NEW YEAR’S DAY / WEDNESDAY

Travel Channel’s list of the “Top Ten Ways to Win in Vegas” (8 p.m.) probably doesn’t include “Don’t waste time trying to remember which one is Roy,” “They want you to fill up on bread at the buffets,” “Don’t play any game in a casino,” and of course, “Never, ever, trust Penn Jillette.”

“Uncle” Walter Cronkite hosts the “Great Performances” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) offering of the New Year’s Celebration 2003 from the Vienna Philharmonic.

Zoo visitors win an elephant on the still cutting-edge (yawn) “Candid Camera” (8 p.m., Pax).

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) hopes to help you keep your resolutions with the story of Weight Watchers founder Jean Nidetch.

Orphaned Sudanese boys attempt to adjust to life in America on “60 Minutes II” (8 p.m., CBS). Knowing the network, at least one set of them is already picked to run in “The Amazing Race 7.”

“Future Is Wild” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) offers a startling future in which humans are extinct, and chimpanzees are finally doing a lot more than just running the E! network.

Sweater kings Fred Rogers and Bill Cosby are the grand marshals of “The 114th Annual Tournament of Roses Parade” (8 p.m., HGTV).

“Mysteries of the Bible” (9 p.m., History) looks to the future. (“The future, Conan?”) Yes, all the way to the Apocalypse.

CMT reunites two generations of Hank Williamses with both the Senior (8 p.m.) and Junior (9 p.m.) members of the clan being profiled on “Inside Fame”.

Catch the entire first season of “The Shield” (9 p.m., FX), repeating in two-hour blocks starting tonight.

LET’S BOWL

Some Steakhouse’s Bowl (11 a.m., ESPN): Michigan Wolverines vs. Florida Gators

PICK: Michigan. While the X-Men’s Wolverine has never met the DC Universe’s Killer Croc in battle, I’d think that his Adamantium claws would be able to pierce Croc’s hide.

Cotton Bowl (11 a.m., Fox): Texas Longhorns vs. LSU Tigers

PICK: LSU. Teeth against well, long horns.

Gator Bowl (12:30 p.m., NBC): N.C. State Wolfpack vs. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

PICK: Depends on who’s done more drinking. Just for stereotype value, Notre Dame.

Some Credit Card’s Bowl (1 p.m. ABC): Penn State Nittany Lions vs. Auburn Tigers

PICK: (and bears, Oh my!) The Lions, since I’ve already predicted a win for a team of Tigers and what are the chances all of them will win on the same day?

Rose Bowl (5 p.m., ABC) Oklahoma Sooners vs. Washington State Cougars

PICK: Washington. At some point, Oklahoma has to be later.

Sugar Bowl (8:30 p.m., ABC): Georgia Bulldogs vs. Florida State Seminoles

PICK: Georgia, since Burt Reynolds’ career has sucked since “Boogie Nights.”

MARA WANA?

* Eight hours of “Max Headroom” (7 a.m., Tech TV) air 20 minutes into the future.

* A day-long replay of the highly-addictive “I Love the ’80s” series starts bright and early with 1982 at 6 a.m. The full run 1980-1989 repeats start at 2 p.m.

* Sci-Fi does the Time Warp with an eighteen-hour marathon of “The Twilight Zone” (7 a.m.).

* Twelve hours of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (8 a.m., FX) should keep some happy.

* Thirteen and a half hours of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” (8 a.m., Comedy Central) are enough time for Clive Anderson to grow a neck. But he won’t.

* Twenty hours of “NYPD Blue” (9 a.m., Court TV) can help you ring in the new year by counting the bruised informants.

* Twelve hours of “7th Heaven” (9 a.m., ABC Family) start the year optimistically.

* A fourteen-hour “Iron Chef” marathon of the shows “Ultimate Upsets” (noon, Food Network) includes its own officially approved drinking game. (Soft drink consumption is recommended.) Details at .

* The roommates of “Real World: Vegas” spend seven fun-filled hours together (3 p.m., MTV).

* Six hours of “Degrassi: The Next Generation” (7 p.m., Noggin) should be enough to remind you that your life sucked in high school.

“Love Theme From ‘Booty Call’”

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, January 2, 2003

All times Eastern

The CBS lineup is all repeats, as is 3/5 of “Must See TV.”

“Booty Call” (8 p.m., VH1) is not the classic Bill Bellamy film, but instead a documentary on the role of the buttocks in popular culture.

“Places to See the Smartest Animals” (8 p.m., Travel) will not be including a visit to the “Anna Nicole Show.”

Matthew Broderick is manipulated by the blonde (but not of legal age) Reese Witherspoon in “Election” (8 p.m., Fox).

“Breaking It Down With Serena” (8 p.m., MTV) explores the problems of “Gangs in the Heartland,” like getting spray paint off a Holstein.

“Would You Believe It?” (8 p.m., Discovery) tours a 17th-century water garden, and looks at both the well-preserved hand of St. James and items belonging to Adolf Hitler.

Rock Hudson blinds Jane Wyman and kills her husband in “Magnificent Obsession” (8 p.m., WE: Women’s Entertainment). And how was your day?

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) guarantees that you’ll lose weight after viewing this profile of Richard Simmons. Well, at least you won’t still have a full stomach.

“Super Structures of the World” (8 p.m., TLC) looks at how it would be almost impossible to destroy a building like the Pentagon unless … oh, right.

Iconoclast Robert Altman discusses his films “On His Own Terms” (8:05 p.m., Fox Movie Channel).

J.D. and Elliot use sex as stress relief on “Scrubs” (8:30 p.m., NBC). It’s cheaper than kava kava and St. Johns-wort, which they could probably prescribe for one another.

The famed black bar of TNN might need to be moved a little higher as the channel screens “Showgirls” (9 p.m.).

“Frontline” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) makes “Much Ado About Something” with an exploration into claims that many of William Shakespeare’s greatest works were actually written by Mike Barnicle.

“Rockstrology” (9 p.m., VH1) asks a panel of psychics and astrologers to predict the show biz fortunes of the likes of J. Lo, Britney and Michael Jackson, should any of them actually have futures.

Barry McGovern and Stephen Brennan star in “Stage on Screen: Waiting for Godot” (9:30 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

Lying at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting leads to wacky mayhem and possibly calls of protest to the NBC switchboard, courtesy of “Good Morning, Miami” (9:30 p.m., NBC).

“Insomniac With Dave Attell” (10 p.m., Comedy Central) moves up a half-hour as Dave spends the longest night possible midnight-fishing in broad daylight in Anchorage.

LET’S BOWL!

Orange Bowl (8 p.m., ABC): Iowa Hawkeyes vs. USC Trojans

PICK: Iowa. I don’t know that Captain Pierce ever mentioned condom use on “M*A*S*H.”

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

Alleged “superstar/diva” Trish Stratus visits the training camp of “WWE Tough Enough 3” (10 p.m., MTV).

TALK TALK

Jay Leno welcomes Brittany Murphy, Michael Chiklis and Heather Headley, while Conan O’Brien plays host to Ray Liotta, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Burning Brides.

FRIDAY MORNING

Weight-loss expert Howard Shapiro helps the ladies of “The View” attempt to lose the metric ton they’ve accidentally gained over the holidays.

But he says his stomach hurts and he’s seeing spots

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday through Sunday, January 3-5, 2003

All times Eastern

Handcuffs may not have been what Anthony Michael Hall had in mind when he got “Hitched” (8 p.m., USA), but he’s chained to a cot in the basement for his philandering ways while she’s trying to throw off the scent of a detective.

“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (8 p.m.) on the Pax network? Land sakes! And allow our impressionable kids to learn about skipping school, not honoring one’s parents, grand theft auto, questioning authority, breaking and entering, voyeurism, jealousy, sloth, pride, avarice, anger, gluttony, and (gasp) kissing?!?

“Biography” finds (8 p.m., A&E) “Paul Lynde: Off Center,” with the actor’s off-screen personality a striking contrast to his on-screen hijinks.

“Forensic Files” (8 p.m., Court TV) looks into the “Church Disappearance” of a missing six-year-old girl.

When in doubt, Fox runs Eddie Murphy’s “The Nutty Professor” (8 p.m.).

“Strictly Ballroom” (8 p.m., IFC) represents the first movie in the Baz Luhrmann “Red Curtain Trilogy,” with a heated Cinderellian tale of the tango. Olé!

A “Great Ships” marathon (8 p.m.-midnight, History) explores everything from weapons and design to propulsion and navigation.

In “Chimps Like Us” (8 p.m., Discovery), primates Keeli and Ivy learn to read and write phonetic English well enough to get jobs on the production staff of “Baby Bob.”

John Boy Walton overcomes alcoholism, suicide attempts, and a near-fatal injury and becomes a legend to us all in “Living Proof: The Hank Williams, Jr. Story” (8 p.m., CMT). Following the made-for-TV version, the real Williams, Jr., can be found on “The Best of Austin City Limits” (10 p.m.) and “CMT Got Me in With the Band” (10:30 p.m.).

With the holidays over, “48 Hours Investigates” (8 p.m. and 10 p.m.) once again has murder on its mind. Military involvement shades both deaths, one a 14-year-old keeling over from dehydration at a juvenile boot camp, and the other (possibly) at the skilled hands of a Green Beret.

On this week’s “NOW” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS), Bill Moyers asks six panelists, “How is it that the God of comfort, hope and peace, prayed to by so many, can also be the God of oppression, cruelty and injustice worshipped by others?” Yeah, I know. It just makes you wonder when the next Celebrity Boxing special is.

U.S. counterattacks highlight the patriotic “Wings Over Afghanistan” (9 p.m., Discovery). Yay for us!

“Where Are They Now?” (9 p.m., VH1) looks at the post-video careers of Ola Ray (from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”) and Becky Le Beau (of David Lee Roth’s “California Girls”), among other “Video Vixens II.”

“Eaten Alive” (10 p.m. Animal Planet) offers close encounters with parasites. To avoid redundancy, watch this special only if your Christmas and New Year’s guests have already headed back home.

LET’S BOWL!

Fiesta Bowl (8 p.m. ABC) : Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Miami Hurricanes

PICK: Miami. Even the Weather Channel could guess this.

TALK TALK

* In a tearful interview, Ashton Kutcher reveals to Jay Leno that he was actually the Raelian’s first project, and his father is Keanu Reeves. Whoa! Joan Osbourne wishes that Ashton was “one of us,” although he does have the slob part down pretty good.

* Sean Astin talks rings and things with Conan, while the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players bring their “rock opera with slides” to a slightly larger audience than just the clubs of NYC and Seattle.

SATURDAY

TV Land junks its regular schedule for the weekend and welcomes “Sanford & Son” (6 a.m.) to the channel with a 48-hour marathon. Elizabeth should have his room ready by Monday morning.

The Indianapolis Colts play the New York Jets (4:30 p.m.) followed by the Atlanta Falcons vs. Green Bay Packers (8 p.m.) in the first two Wild Card play-offs, on ABC.

Sci Fi offers an entire knight of fire-breathing with “Dragonheart: A New Beginning” (7 p.m.) and “Dragon Fighter” (9 p.m.).

The “Grand Ole Opry Live” (8 p.m., CMT) honors the 50th anniversary of the death of Hank Williams, Sr., with a rare joint performance by Hank Williams, Jr. and Hank Williams III.

The time it took for “A Beautiful Mind” (8 p.m., HBO) to make it to cable? Mind-boggling, I tell ya!

Bravo salutes Robin Williams with a night of his … worst films (not counting “Patch Adams”). The alleged fun begins with “Jakob the Liar” (5:30 p.m.), followed by his super-sized appearance on “Inside the Actors Studio” (8 p.m.) and the interminable “Cadillac Man” (10 p.m.) costarring Fran Drescher.

“An Evening of Stars: A Celebration of Educational Excellence” (8 p.m., BET) hopes to raise millions for the United Negro College Fund. Performers include India.Arie, Jill Scott, Elton John, Luther Vandross, Angie Stone, Yolanda Adams and Kirk Franklin.

“The True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) of William Shatner doesn’t have commercial breaks, just … strategically placed … dramatic pauses.

What’s there to love about “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” (8 p.m., Showtime)? Instances of leaving a toddler alone in a stroller in front of a convenience store (twice), threats to a child, breaking and entering, reckless gunfire, at least 224 uses of the most foul of the foul words, at least 184 uses of the rest of the three/four-letter word vocabulary, repeated flatulence, the “pity me because I am black” sequence, many vulgar sexual comments and anatomical references, suggestive eye movements, mentions of gays adopting children, one use of God’s name in vain with the four-letter expletive, 21 without, and the mockery of an angel. The ChildCare Action Project (CAP): Christian Analysis of American Culture think these are all reasons NOT to watch.

While “Beetlejuice” (8 p.m., VH1) featured some of Danny Elfman’s finest scoring, it’s really Winona Ryder who steals the picture.

The Discovery Channel heads into the weekend with hell bent for leather with “Weapons of the New War” (8 p.m.), “Future Guns” (9 p.m.) and “Body Armor” (10 p.m.).

“Crossing Jordan” (9 p.m.) joins “Third Watch” on the A&E network. “Jordan” was originally scheduled to repeat over on Pax, but the licensing fees became prohibitive when it accidentally turned into a hit show. I’m dropping cable if A&E picks up “Fear Factor.”

Specially trained prisoners fight forest fires in “Wildfire 7: The Inferno” (9 p.m., Pax), “starring” Tracey Gold and Joanna Cassidy.

More than a dozen top chefs compete to represent us all in “Culinary Olympics: Making Team USA” (9 p.m., Food Network). We still haven’t recovered from the ‘88 Winter competition and the Germans’ controversial last-minute use of gummy bears.

“VH1 Goes Inside: The American Music Awards” (10 p.m., VH1) with all your favorite moments of the last 20 years like the time when … okay, I’m stumped.

Junior welterweights DeMarcus Corley and Randall Bailey face one another for the WBO title (10 p.m., Showtime) with an additional card of light flyweights Rosendo Alvarez and Beibis Mendoza.

“Hollywood Reality” (11 p.m., A&E) looks at the Korean War through the eyes of author Richard Hooker in “M*A*S*H: Comedy Under Fire.”

SUNDAY

“60 Minutes” (7 p.m., CBS) has ten letters for “devious New York Times crossword editor” (starts with W).

Evil children meet untimely ends while one honest soul fulfills his lifelong dream by burping in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (7 p.m., ABC).

Some of the nation’s top young athletes compete in the “High-School Football All-Star Game” from the All-American Bowl in San Antonio (7 p.m., ESPN2).

“Nature” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) looks at efforts to save the baby panda from extinction, while “National Geographic Explorer” (8 p.m., MSNBC) stalks the hunting grounds of lions in Zimbabwe.

Using “Wild Things” (8 p.m., VH1), you can connect Kevin Bacon to Pierce Brosnan in only two steps.

Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd star in “The Object of My Affection” (8 p.m., ABC Family), a mildly complicated bisexual love story sure to enthrall those tuning in expecting the umpteenth Olsen Twins movie-of-the-week. (The book is better.)

Bart nominates Mrs. Krabapple for “Teacher of the Year” on “The Simpsons” (8 p.m., Fox); naturally there’s a free trip to Orlando involved. Hopefully Homer has arranged for time off from the nuclear plant. Oh, right.

“Going to Extremes” (National Geographic) heads to both the wettest (8 p.m.) and coldest (9 p.m.) places in the world.

Margaret wants more respect from “Becker” (8 p.m., CBS) on their tenth anniversary working together. She really should know him better than that.

“CNN Presents” (8 p.m.) goes inside the Army’s secret training school at Fort Bragg for a look at torture and survival skills.

Dean Cain, Corbin Bernsen and a giant bear star in “Gentle Ben 2: Danger on the Mountain” (8 p.m., Animal Planet). The grizzly spent the least amount of time at the craft services table.

Get current with “The Osbournes” with a four-episode mini-marathon following a half-hour overview (8 p.m., MTV).

Catch con man Frank Abagnale, Jr., subject of “Catch Me If You Can,” in a 1977 episode of “To Tell the Truth” (8:30 p.m., Game Show Network).

How can Peggy Hill get into an exclusive book club? By having her husband buy the store on “King of the Hill” (8:30 p.m., Fox).

Seventeen of the more telegenic classmates from the Oak Park and River Forest (Illinois) Class of ‘92 were invited to a “High School Reunion” (9 p.m., WB) on the beaches of Maui. Who packed bikinis and who packed knives? Tune in and find out.

“Strong Medicine” (9 p.m., Lifetime) is less than ecstatic over PMS, polio and ecstasy.

Interviews with the stars of “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” highlight a three-hour “Gong Show Marathon” (9 p.m., Game Show Network), a show that was mostly low-lights.

I can think of nothing I’d rather do than watch the two-hour drama “The Crooked E: The Unshredded Truth About Enron” (9 p.m., CBS). Hmm, I could always catch up on my flossing.

Schillinger and Alvarez head back into the general population of “Oz” (9 p.m., HBO), while a new librarian gets Rebadow perusing more than just spines.

“Malcolm in the Middle” (9 p.m., Fox) of the high school basketball team? This ought to last about as long as Michael Jordan’s comeback.

“Wives and Daughters” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) continue arguing in the final installment on “Masterpiece Theatre,” with Mr. Gibson learning of Cynthia’s engagement.

“Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (9 p.m., NBC) is on the trail of a self-help expert who’s “Awakened the Murderer Within.”

The vast imagination of Ralph Phillips is explored in a repeat of “Toon Heads” (9 p.m., Cartoon Network).

“Driven” (10 p.m., VH1) examines the meteoric rise of R&B star Alecia Moore, a.k.a. Pink.

“The Dead Zone” (10 p.m., USA) begins a new season with Johnny preparing for the end of the world as we know it, and he’s not feeling fine.

“MSNBC Investigates” (10 p.m.) the “Inmate Diaries” of the Davis Correctional Facility in Holdenville, Oklahoma, and reveals that most of them really preferred Justin Guarini.

“The Iceman and the Psychiatrist” (10 p.m., HBO) offers the story of a Mafioso seeking to improve his mental heath. Where have I heard this before?

The “Ten Minutes Older” (10:45 p.m., Showtime) short films series returns with “About Time 2,” four odd interconnecting tales from “Time Code” director Mike Figgis.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Charmed” (8 p.m., WB): Adrian Paul. Plot: Mummy dearest.

“The Division” (8 p.m., Lifetime): Dean Cain. Plot: Vacations, weddings and kidnappings (not necessarily in that order).

“Alias” (9 p.m., ABC): Faye Dunaway. Plot: The jig is up for Jack, Marshall’s life is in danger, and as usual it’s up to Syd to rescue them all.

“Andy Richter Controls the Universe” (9:30 p.m., Fox): Conan O’Brien. Plot: Tattling is encouraged by the new evil boss.

“Boomtown” (10 p.m., NBC): Neil Patrick Harris. Plot: Doogie is staging fatal bum-fights.

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK

* Renée Zellweger and Josh Brolin blind the audience of “The View” with their pearly whites.

* The awful awful “Good Day Live” launches in several cities, and some stations may be adding “The Wayne Brady Show.”

It’s a dream come true

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, January 6, 2003

All times Eastern

Today’s “Secret Word” is “LOUD.” Now you remember what to do whenever anyone says the secret word, don’t you? That’s right! Scream real loud! “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Several changes greet the new year on Game Show Network’s lineup, including the returns of “Trivia Trap” (9:30 a.m.) and “Blockbusters” (10 a.m.), and the additions of Anne Robinson’s “Weakest Link” (noon), and “classic” (translation: “really old”) episodes of “Love Connection” (7:30 p.m.).

It’s NFL Players week on “Wheel of Fortune” (syndicated). As always, expect their civilian team partners to read the really big words.

“The New TNN” (a.k.a. TV Land for Dummies) begins a double run of “Blind Date” (6:30 & 7:30 p.m.). In between, Chris Wylde, who unfortunately didn’t vanish after his horrible Comedy Central talk show folded, is back as (ugh) host of the board game/show “Taboo” (7 p.m.).

“Look Who’s Talking” about the “Phenomenon” known as John Travolta: while “Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) and the “E! True Hollywood Story” cover their subjects like “Two of a Kind,” it’s Harry Smith’s project that wins tonight’s “Face/Off,” delivering a “Perfect” two-hour “Moment by Moment” look at the “White Man’s Burden” of the famed Scientologist who’s just “Stayin’ Alive.” “Carrie” on.

“The Weakest Link” meets “The Mole” for “Dirty Rotten Cheater” (8 p.m., Pax). Former “Battlebots” accomplice Bill Dwyer hosts the light quiz where one of the participants is not only being given all the answers, but the plant can win the entire game.

Will Hanson accept an indecent proposal from a guest speaker on “Boston Public” (8 p.m., Fox)? Probably so, given the series’ reliance on being either racial or racy.

If you missed the third season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” (8 p.m., HBO), you can get back up to speed in a handy two-hour block. Tonight, Larry invests in a restaurant, gets a cell phone, hires a chef, accidentally stalks a clerk, comments on a juvenile’s genitalia, and treats a horrid nanny like a bad penny.

Wildlife officials try to explain the unexplained deaths of 35 people in the “Man-Eaters of India” (8 p.m., National Geographic).

Just how did Shania Twain spend her “Winter Break” (8 p.m., CMT)? By recording and performing songs with Elton John and the Backstreet Boys.

It’s all about olives on “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network), with dishes including a dirty martini, crabmeat salad and braised chicken.

“The Antiques Roadshow” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS) begins a new season sizing up hideous and/or hideously expensive attic “treasures.”

Oliver Stone finds precious few conspiracies in the NFL, although there is quite a bit of movement “back, and to the left” worth investigating in “Any Given Sunday” (8 p.m., ABC), the Monday Night “Football Themed Movie.”

It’s the sexiest episode of the season for “7th Heaven” (8 p.m., WB) as Simon and Cecilia consider doing the deed, while Annie thinks Eric’s manuscript is filthy.

Nikki and Andell’s parents start dating on “The Parkers” (8 p.m., UPN), giving them hope that the “sistahs” might become “sisters.”

“Trauma: Life in the ER” (8 p.m., TLC) offers gruesome footage of the Columbine High School shooting victims brought to Denver Health Medical Center.

“Big Picture” (8 p.m., Science Channel) offers a four-hour look at the progress (or at least the announcements made) toward a manned mission to Mars.

“Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC): horse rectum. Ewwww.

What kind of future does Breanna have on “One on One” (8:30 p.m., UPN) after skipping a key aptitude test? Without a college degree, an African-American girl her age can only hope for … a crappy sitcom on UPN.

Jimmy is annoyed with his kid’s school on “Yes, Dear” (8:30 p.m., CBS) when junior brings home a trophy for “participation” from the campus Olympics, without winning an actual event.

Ray’s dad gets caught stealing at the supermarket on “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS) but it’s not store security that he’s got to deal with; it’s his granddaughter Ally.

The loudest buzz for any of the new midseason shows has been for “Bachelor” ripoff “Joe Millionaire” (9 p.m., Fox). Will the women with lifelong (and can’t we admit, misleading) fantasies of “Barbie’s Dream House” settle for the reality of Ken’s duplex?

“All Access” (9 p.m., VH1) gossips about celebrity breakups, getting the down low on J. Lo, the latest bits about Brit, and all the news of Cruise and the various Drews.

“Everwood” (9 p.m., WB) debates the wacky weed, with Andy and Dr. Abbott hashing out a discussion over medicinal marijuana.

The “Girlfriends” (9 p.m., UPN) sound a warning against falling for someone literate, with one dating a celibate poet, while another bard writes an ode to her promiscuity.

Rookies are trained on “Third Watch” (9 p.m., NBC), while Carlos is approached with an job offer from the Sex Crimes Unit. (Please, no spin-off.)

“Lance Loud! A Death in an American Family” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS) looks at the last years of “reality” TV’s first openly gay man, and the events since the Loud Family’s public breakdown. The documentary on Loud’s musical and writing careers and 2001 death is followed by an episode from the original “An American Family” series (10 p.m.) thrown in for context, as Lance’s mother Pat visits him in New York City and meets his new friends at the Chelsea Hotel.

Bravo, “the official network of Cirque du Soleil,” which already seems to air at least eight hours of their acrobatics each day, launches Cirque du Reality series “Fire Within” (9 & 9:30 p.m.) with a group of performers auditioning in Montreal to join the company’s (many) touring acts.

“Harem” (9 p.m., History) equates sex with power in a look at the life of one member of a 16th-century Ottoman imperial harem.

Sydney Tamiia Poitier stars as “Abby” (9:30 p.m., UPN), a spunky young television producer that everyone seems to adore, including her coworkers and the ex-boyfriend who’s still her roommate, played by Kadeem Hardison. (Please tell me he’s stopped wearing the flip-up sunglasses and loud sweaters by now.)

“Still Standing” (9:30 p.m., CBS) clocks the beat, tackling generic sitcom plot #43: bullying.

A prostitute is stabbed to death on “CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS). Perhaps it would have been a little more poetic if the killer had used a hook?

In an episode of “Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC) titled “Ockham’s Razor,” Jordan watches home movies, and a leading forensics expert happens to be the lead suspect in his wife’s murder.

Most teenage girls would just die if “Backstreet Boy” A.J. McLean and a camera crew secretly arrived to redecorate their room. I however would call the police and turn on the sprinklers. One “lucky” ultimate fan gets this week’s surprise prize on “Rock the House” (10 p.m., VH1).

A special edition of “One-Hit Wonders” (10:30 p.m., VH1) entitled “Rock Bottoms” looks behind the music about … behinds. Among the non-pirated booty: Sisqo’s “The Thong Song” and Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom.”

Former “Strip Poker” host Graham Elwood makes it easy for the contestants on his new show “Cram” (11 p.m., Game Show Network, also run at 4:30 p.m.), giving them all the answers they’ll need to know to win $10,000. The hard part is both learning the material and staying up 24 consecutive hours before the taping, while being taunted and abused by passersby.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“King of Queens” (8 p.m., CBS): Dave Foley. Plot: Doug gets shrink-rapped into better dieting, but his psychiatrist winds up with a laundry list of other problems Carrie would like to see him change.

TALK TALK

New episodes of “So Graham Norton” (9 p.m., BBC America) begin airing on Mondays and Fridays. Tonight’s guest is Steve Irwin.

* Michael Caine and George Foreman compare acting styles on the “Late Show With David Letterman.”

* “Shield” and “Fastlane” cops Michael Chiklis and Bill Bellamy compare interrogation techniques on the “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

* Charlie Rose searches for answers from Yahoo! chairman and CEO Terry Semel.

TUESDAY MORNING

* Ahmad Rashad gives Regis and Kelly a guarded preview of “Celebrity Mole: Hawaii.”

* Has-beens Suzanne Somers and Steve Guttenberg trot out their latest projects to a smattering of applause on “The View” with guest cohost Eva LaRue.

* Stephen Baldwin and Sean Astin compare moles with Caroline Rhea.

* Ken Burns announces plans for his 20-hour miniseries based on the life of Kenny Loggins on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

“Kofi Talk” with your host Paul Baldwin

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, January 7, 2003

All times Eastern

Marc Singer’s “Dark Days” (7:30 p.m., Sundance) explores life for the homeless under the Amtrak tunnels of Manhattan.

Yet another of the “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” (8 p.m., ABC): Thou shalt not let her pass up college for beauty school.

The general’s daughter is dead and he blames the doctor on “JAG” (8 p.m., CBS), with Mr and Ms. Jag on opposite sides of the case.

“True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) offers the short version of “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” with a look at “The Gong Show.”

“Mommie Dearest” (8 p.m., Bravo) is an inspiration to make your New Year’s resolutions easy to keep. “No more wire hangers, ever!”

Anya and Giles get bad vibes from an oracle on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (8 p.m., UPN), while the titular character is busy with slayers-in-training.

Fez wants to introduce his new sweetheart to the gang, so Kitty offers to throw a sophisticated “couples only” party on “That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox).

“Nova” (8 p.m., PBS) looks at the remote-controlled planes that the government is using to spy on you and the rest of the Coast to Coast AM audience.

“Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) offers three hours of dangerous snakes, migrating elephants, and playful lions, tigers and leopards.

With reruns of Anne Robinson’s “The Weakest Link” now on GSN during the day, reruns from the syndicated version with George Gray begin airing on Pax (8 & 8:30 p.m.).

What to do with a windfall that clearly isn’t yours? Romancing your wife using the ill-gotten gain is the best solution, “According to Jim” (8:30 p.m., ABC).

Terrorists want the files Kate’s snooped for in her dad’s computer on “24” (9 p.m., Fox). Oh, and maybe the plane lands.

“Center of the Storm” (9 p.m., PBS) follows United Nations secretary-general Kofi Annan to East Timor, among other places, in this dignified biography.

“Probable Cause” (9 p.m., Travel) offers entertaining footage of the (other) “worst airplane crashes in aviation history.”

“Girlfriends” (9 p.m., UPN) compete for the same job. Cue catfight.

“Love Potions” (9 p.m., Discovery Health) explores everything from aphrodisiacs to birth control, about a month early, if you ask me.

Desmond Morris’ “The Human Animal” (9 p.m., TLC) explores “The Biology of Love” as internal cameras record the female during … uh … whoopie. That Enron TV-movie’s starting to sound less creepy.

A gay man heads home to his dysfunctional family on the seemingly blessed occasion of his sister’s wedding in “The Hanging Garden” (9 p.m., Sundance).

“Master Plans” (9 p.m., Science Channel) carries a torch for the Statue of Liberty.

“Ground Force Goes South Atlantic” (9 p.m., BBC America) as the BBC’s garden renovators head to the Falkland Islands to secretly transform a hospital courtyard.

“Cold Case Files” (9 p.m., A&E) looks at some of the many crimes of the KKK, including the torching of an NAACP president’s home, and various “alleged” suicides.

“Star Dates” (9:30 p.m., E!), one of the weirder “alleged” romance shows, sets up Kim “Don’t you dare call me Tootie” Fields.

A romance novelist needs more perspiration in her life in Pedro Almodóvar’s “The Flower of My Secret” (9:30 p.m., IFC).

A girl gives birth during a basketball game, two characters spend the night as servants at a colonial inn, and a girl leaves the State’s care after her father finds religion on a very busy “Judging Amy” (10 p.m., CBS).

“One-Hit Wonders” (10 & 10:30 p.m., VH1) tackles first the idiot anthems of sports arenas (including the Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out” and Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll (Part 2)”), and then “Dirty Dancing” crazes few will admit they tried: the Lambada, the Macarena, the Hustle and “Kung Fu Fighting.”

The moral of tonight’s “NYPD Blue” (10 p.m., ABC): Dead men don’t carjack Yugos. Then again, neither does anybody else.

“Dateline” (10 p.m., NBC) finds yet another kid who plotted yet another school shooting.

Journeys to Tijuana tend to be the stuff of Jimmy Buffett albums and Gidget movies, but the Strike Team has no mixed drinks or surfing in mind on the second-season opener of “The Shield” (10 p.m., FX). They’re searching for the **** **** *********ing ****s that ****ed with their shipment of blow.

“Phobia” (10:30 p.m., National Geographic) looks at the insomniacs kept awake by their nyctophobia, and subway and mine workers who work in total darkness.

“The Osbournes” (10:30 p.m., MTV) swear and act pretentious.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Just Shoot Me” (8 p.m., NBC): George Lucas. Plot: (Plot? Oh, stop.)

“Life With Bonnie” (9 p.m., ABC): Frank Stallone. (And you thought they were scraping the bottom of the barrel with Rip Taylor.) Plot: Holly pretends to be the show’s producer to impress a new guy in generic sitcom plot #88.

“Frasier” (9 p.m., NBC): Ana Gasteyer. Plot: Spa spasms. Niles and Frasier get naked (okay, probably all terry cloth robes, mudpacks, cucumbers, turbans and the other sitcom spa elements), while Daphne’s physical therapy techniques get reviewed. Remember? She used to do something other than be lusted after.

“The Guardian” (9 p.m., CBS): Corey Feldman. Plot: A child actor claims his finances were manipulated by his parents. Okay, stop laughing.

“Hidden Hills” (9:30 p.m., NBC): Joanna Cassidy. Plot: In-laws visit. How not unlike that other show, what’s the name of it?

“Less Than Perfect” (9:30 p.m., ABC): Joanna Cassidy. Plot: Fraternization outside the office creates tension for Claude and Charlie.

“Abby” (9:30 p.m., UPN): R&B singer Kenny Lattimore. Plot: Abby’s concert seat is next to her ex-boyfriend’s. (Shudder.)

TALK TALK

* Tom Brokaw is ordered to guest with “Donahue” and offers up the reporter’s notebook from his recent trip to Iraq.

* Michael Caine sticks around NYC to chat up Charlie Rose.

* Cameron Diaz dazzles on “The Daily Show.”

* Richard Gere just tries to avoid Chris Elliott on “Late Show With David Letterman.”

* Kenny Johnson chats hoops with Craig Kilborn.

WEDNESDAY MORNING

* Julianne Moore and Jeff Gordon spin their wheels with Regis and Kelly.

* “Bachelorette” Trista Rehn guest-hosts on “The View” and trades quips with Ms. Jacqueline Bisset.

* Caroline Rhea gets the scoop on Oliver Platt and Portia de Rossi’s lame new projects.

* Dean Cain, Bev “The Baking Lady” Tanner and Frankie Avalon sing, bake, idol and/or idle with Wayne Brady.

Search This!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, January 8, 2003

All times Eastern

Twenty-five dalmatians invited to an exclusive kennel in the south of France, to meet an ordinary mutt named Lassie … but what they don’t know is …. Coming this spring on Animal Planet … JOE BITCH! “It’s, woof, given me a whole new leash on life! Woof!”

A lesbian and a female-impersonator rob banks and search for his birth mother in the award-winning “By Hook or by Crook” (7 p.m., Sundance).

It’s a darned good thing that “Star Search (Live, except where it’s been taped from an earlier live broadcast!)” (8 p.m., CBS) is on twice a week. This gives us plenty of opportunities to mock, belittle, humiliate, scorn, gibe, jeer, scoff, deride, ridicule and taunt everyone involved, and I bet we won’t run out of material for several weeks (unlike, say, the wardrobe department clothing the spokesbimbos/”supermodels”).

“The Crocodile Hunter” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) attempts a rescue mission in East Timor.

Death comes at dawn on “Enterprise” (8 p.m., UPN), as Trip chases a villain on a moon with a deadly sunrise.

How can one adequately describe the comedic genius of “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” (8 p.m., Fox)? Oh, right: genitalia, obesity, flatulence and midgets.

“History’s Mysteries” (8 p.m., History) explores the curses of the cursed Bloody Tower of London.

“Prehistoric Sharks” (8 p.m., Discovery) ruled the world 300 million years ago, according to the only surviving member of their race, Mr. Blackwell.

Like all proper town elders, “My Wife and Kids” (8 p.m., ABC) don’t want to let the kids dance.

A check of insulin levels is recommended before tuning in for “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network), as he’s cooking up pomegranate mojito with vanilla sugar, sugar cured gravlax, seared shrimp salad with Thai palm sugar dressing, and an apple coffee cake.

“Birds of Prey” (8 and 9 p.m., WB), the canceled series that refuses to die, tackles female fight clubs, a serial killer playing a game of round robin, and a svelte Huntress at a half-decade high school reunion.

“True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) has once again run out of celebrities if they’re settling for LaToya Jackson.

Beef on Weck, falafel, roast beef, lobster roll, PB&J, roast pork, tripe, hoagies, loose meat barbecued snoots, ears & rib tips, “Hot Brown,” chipped ham “slammer,” po-boys, French dip and Huong Lan are some “Sandwiches That You Will Like” (8 p.m./check local listings, PBS).

With VH1 having run the special “Elvis Lives” the maximum 200 times, the show moves to another Viacom channel (8 p.m., CMT), followed by the rock ‘em, sock ‘em tale of “Charro!” (9 p.m.) with The King being framed, quite logically (for an Elvis picture), for the theft of a Mexican cannon.

“George Lopez” (8:30 p.m., ABC) gives his mother something to be proud of: a new bathroom.

TNN spotlights the important work of the “American Kickboxer” (9 p.m.), doing his best to defend us against the less expensive Mexican and Canadian kickboxers underpricing their kickboxing via NAFTA.

In a failed attempt to compete with Barbara Walters, Dan Rather asks George Clooney what it was like “working with the bootylicious J. Lo” on a very special “60 Minutes II” (9 p.m., CBS).

The moral of tonight’s “The West Wing” (9 p.m., NBC)? When life gives you foreigners, make foreign aid.

“West Point” (9 p.m./check local listings, PBS), explores the past and future of the U.S. Military Academy.

Original “Bachelor” loser Trista is now “The Bachelorette” (9 p.m., ABC). But all one needs to know is that “she’s hot, she’s in charge and she’s ready to rock” (not unlike a Lita Ford music video).

A child is crushed under a fallen light fixture, another child finds his parent’s gun, a pregnant woman collapses, and a frozen baby is found in a snow bank. What could get me to watch a show like this? “Only a Miracle” (9 p.m., Discovery Health).

The good news is, the cops made an early arrest in the murder case of 18-year-old Hannah Hill. “American Justice” (9 p.m., A&E) has to go and think that’s also the bad news.

Method Man predicts the future of a tabloid reporter Linda Cardellini, who really should be used to life in “The Twilight Zone” (9 p.m., UPN).

A fourth season of “Ripley’s Believe It or Not!” (9 p.m., TBS) begins with the tale of 12-year-old basketball player Auri Allen, who’s already 6’8” and over 300 pounds; Siamese twins joined at the head; the world record for keeping cockroaches in one’s mouth; “Speed Stacking;” hair diets; bikini trading cards; and, of course, a surfing feline.

James Woods and James Garner star in “My Name Is Bill W.” (9 p.m., Hallmark), the story of the origins of Alcoholics Anonymous.

There’s murder in the air (and telltale skid marks) on “Law & Order” (10 p.m., NBC) when a teen is car-struck at Starbucks.

“MacGyver” meets “Survivor” meets “Junkyard Wars” on “Escape From Experiment Island” (10 p.m., TLC). This week’s task is to convert an automobile into a seaworthy craft in order to be rescued from the show’s remote Scottish Isle.

“48 Hours Investigates” (10 p.m., CBS) “kids for sale,” with the lurid tale of a 14-year-old entering the world of pornography.

Enough of all this “finding the saboteur” business. The real question on “Celebrity Mole Hawaii” (10 p.m., ABC) is which of these participants (Stephen Baldwin, Corbin Bernsen, Michael Boatman, Kim Coles, Kathy Griffin, Erik von Detten and Frederique Van Der Wal) is an actual celebrity?

Meet men who win the hands of ladies the old-fashioned way in the Hughes brothers “American Pimp” (11 p.m., Sundance).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Ed” (8 p.m., NBC): Sabrina Lloyd. Plot: Football follies.

GRIZZLED COACH ALERT

Ryan Gosling attempts to hack it on David Morse’s football squad in “The Slaughter Rule” (9 p.m., Sundance).

TALK TALK

* Ray Liotta will kill the staffer who’s besmirched the name of his lovely virginal daughter on “The Daily Show.”

* Merv Griffin has his bags sent ahead of him to the “Late Show with David Letterman,” where they spell-check all his cue cards for the interview.

* D.L. Hughley and Dick Clark compare their New Year’s Eves with Craig Kilborn.

THURSDAY MORNING

* Richard Gere and Merv Griffin have a loverly bunch of coconuts, there they are a-standing over by Regis and Kelly.

* Ed Harris and Dr. Nicholas Perricone exude testosterone on “The View.”

* While a yoga class may have been a better choice, Jacqueline Bisset and Steve Guttenberg attempt to justify their existences on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Wayne Brady welcomes Danny Glover and “Fastlane’s” “white guy,” Peter Facinelli.

Pop. Six. Squish. Uh uh. Cicero. Lipschitz!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, January 9, 2003

All times Eastern

Ryan Daugherty breaks out of juvenile detention and tries to escape his life with a bus trip from Ft. Myers, Florida to Colorado in “Trans” (7:30 p.m., Sundance).

I admit it, I’ve caught Ugochi Nwaogwugwu fever. I (sadly) missed the juvenile “talent” section, but most of the match-ups from night one of the new “Star Search” (8 p.m., CBS) ended with the right contestants victorious. Arsenio Hall has noted that celebrity judge Chaka Khan will be replaced tonight by Jack Osbourne. I’m not really sure if this is supposed to be an improvement.

“Snow Day” (8 p.m., ABC), a harmless enough bit of fluff from Nickelodeon Studios, does accomplish one important goal: It is now considerably easier to link David Letterman via movies to both Iggy Pop and Pam Grier. While I was still running a few games for “Late Show With David Letterman Online,” we called this task “The Cabin Boy Connection.” I think we’re all still hoping it gains a second wave of success in Japan, possibly in March, so that “60 Minutes II” can twist our accomplishments.

“Storm Stories” (8 p.m., Weather Channel) offers the carnage of a 1926 Maryland tornado strike, and a slightly less fun “snow day” during an avalanche. In other weather fronts, “Savage Seas” (8 p.m., PBS) offers footage of deadly tidal waves.

“Cops” (8 p.m., Fox) sifted through more than 450 episodes to create their list of “The Top 15 Moments of All Time.”

Anyone still tuning in expecting to see “Family Affair” probably deserves what they get: a repeat of the pilot of “High School Reunion” (8 p.m., WB).

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) learns the true cause of baldness from Ron Howard: stress from continuing to be called “Opie.”

Fans of Sam Rockwell’s turn in the Chuck Barris/”Gong Show” biofilm may want to catch some of his earlier work in the bizarre “Box of Moonlight” (8 p.m., IFC), opposite John Turturro.

Be vewy quiet, “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) is hunting wabbits. Huhuhuhuhuh.

Vietnamese children are adopted and a frozen loon is rescued from a pond on “It’s a Miracle” (8 p.m., Pax). Authorities are still investigating whether the bird was imitating Johnny Knoxville.

Alleged footage of wrestlers’ honeymoons may give new meaning to the title “WWE SmackDown!” (8 p.m., UPN). Should they have time for an actual fake wrestling match, it’s a battle between Brock Lesnar and “A-Train.”

Is Rock Hudson trying to steal Lauren Bacall from Robert Stack in “Written on the Wind” (8 p.m., WE: Women’s Entertainment)? No, probably not.

“Would You Believe It?” (8 p.m., Discovery) delivers footage of the human bone mosaics (with shards of over 40,000 people) in a church in the Czech Republic.

“History’s Mysteries” (8 p.m., History) explores the mysteries of Stonehenge.

Everyone wants to have sex with everyone else on “Scrubs” (8:30 p.m., NBC). It’s the new generation of high-quality “Must Sleep TV.”

“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (9 p.m., CBS) solves an apparent suicide and the murder of a celebrity chef. (Bam!)

Since their agents couldn’t get them on “Celebrity Mole,” MC Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, Brande Roderick, Corey Feldman, Gabrielle Carteris, Vince Neil and Jerri Manthey will just have to settle for the equivalent of “Celebrity Big Brother,” a.k.a. “The Surreal Life.” (9 p.m., WB).

Morgan Freeman directs “Hurricane Streets” (9 p.m., Sundance), a tale of a teen reconsidering her gang values.

“Frontline” (9 p.m., PBS) looks at employers who laugh at fines for U.S. workplace safety problems.

Since the hoax’s alleged creator is now deceased, will “Sasquatch: Legend Meets Science” (9 p.m., Discovery) be able to deliver Big Foot, or just big shoes?

Melissa Gilbert fights to keep Marlee Matlin from being sterilized in “Against Her Will: The Carrie Buck Story” (9 p.m., Hallmark). Can we hope that this be the hidden agenda of “The Surreal Life”?

“Insomniac With Dave Attell” (10 p.m., Comedy Central) heads east from Alaska to the all-night museums, water taxis and beer factories of Beautiful Downtown Toronto.

Guns and pregnancies are both concealed on “ER” (10 p.m., NBC), while math students get overstimulated, without the involvement of “Baywatch.”

Offhand, I can’t remember the love theme from “Straight Out of Brooklyn” (10 p.m., VH1), but the channel must have some reason for running the film instead of, say, music videos.

The “Without a Trace” (10 p.m., CBS) squad examines a missing girl’s video diaries in the hopes of getting that one perfect clue.

“She Says: Women in News” (10 p.m., PBS) explores the changing world of women in journalism, or whatever it is Katie Couric and Connie Chung are doing these days.

“PrimeTime Thursday” (10 p.m., ABC) goes to boot camp, and investigates the case of a woman wrongly accused of murdering her daughter.

Find out what Tony Randall does all by himself in a bathroom in “Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?” (10:15 p.m., WE: Women’s Entertainment), costarring Ms. Jayne Mansfield.

FROSTY FLAKES

With an episode titled, “Jake’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” you can tell that the Christmas episode of “Good Morning, Miami” (9:30 p.m., NBC) will be all the more special. Dylan’s boyfriend wants to exchange a poetry book for a punch in the mouth when Jake’s gift winds up in the wrong hands.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Friends” (8 p.m., NBC): Dermot Mulroney. Plot: Remember work? Rachel finally does. Plus, Joey observes the new Maxim magazine sponsored event “Take Your Ditsy Blonde Friend to Work Day.”

“Will & Grace” (9 p.m., NBC): Andy Garcia. Plots: Dating and soccer, or if things get out of line, “sock-him.”

TALK TALK

* Philip Seymour Hoffman creeps out 63% of the staff of “The Daily Show.”

* Renée Zellweger chats up “Chicago,” while Chuck Barris tells of seeing London, France, and several audience members’ underpants on “The Late Show With David Letterman.”

* Ashton Kutcher asks Craig Kilborn, “Dude, where’s my lame new movie playing?”

FRIDAY MORNING

* Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jason Patric talk up a storm with Kelly while Regis complains of being “Mr. Cellophane.”

* Renée Zellweger tries to razzle-dazzle “The View” while Josh Brolin butters up Star Jones and Joy Behar by trying to get rid of a few more of the AAMCO service coupons his dad foisted upon him.

* Caroline Rhea trash-talks both Lorraine Bracco and 7-year-old “garbage kid” Michael Wong-Sasso.

* Corbin Bernsen uses his “Celebrity Mole” appearance to beg Wayne Brady for some other work while Dick Clark and Sarah Ferguson just stand around looking pretty.

Call him Dan.

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, January 10, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

It’s probably best to skip the mediocre “masterpiece” sequels that Disney keeps churning out on DVD and VHS and just wait until they air a few months later on Toon Disney. “The Hunchback of Notre Dame II” (7 p.m.) hopes to ring your bell with the voices of Haley Joel Osment, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jason Alexander, Kevin Kline and Michael McKean.

“The Ballad of Ramblin’ Jack” (7:05 p.m., Sundance) humbly explores the life of folk singer Ramblin’ Jack Elliott.

“Mister Sterling” (8 p.m., NBC) sounds good on paper: “Mister Smith Goes to the West Wing” + Jim Jeffords. Then again, can you name all three of last year’s D.C.-themed dramas starring Sally Field, James Garner and James Cromwell without cheating at IMDb.com? I didn’t think so. (See “Queens Supreme” below.)

“Fastlane” (8 p.m., Fox) meets “Point Break” as the dudes hit the surf to snag the show’s trademark villains: heavily-armed yet scantily-clad drug dealers.

Holly (Amanda Bynes) of “What I Like About You” (8 p.m., WB) winds up at a college party and, as usual, wacky underage mayhem ensues.

“Farscape” (8 p.m., Sci Fi) begins its Bataan Death March as Crichton risks screwing up his existence via time travel.

Can your basset hound sing as well as Kelly Clarkson? Earn big bucks with Fido’s efforts on “Pet Star” (8 p.m., Animal Planet).

Graduation robes might better have been terry cloth when lawn sprinklers start in a supposedly funny segment on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” (8 p.m., ABC).

“48 Hours Investigates” (8 p.m., CBS) the kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart.

“City Cops: San Francisco Blue” (8 p.m., TLC) examines life in the burg’s “Tenderloin District” and its transformation from a heavy crime district to a magnet for immigrants.

“Storm Stories” (8 p.m., Weather Channel) looks at the blizzard of ‘96, a.k.a. “The Storm of the Century.”

“Melrose Place” costars Daphne Zuniga and Jack Wagner reunite improbably in “Ghost Dog: A Detective Tail” (8 p.m., Pax), a reincarnation yarn about a police dog whose spirit takes possession of a criminal.

Spencer Breslin of “Disney’s ‘The Kid’” disappears off the face of the earth in “You Wish!” (8 p.m., Disney). This is considered a problem?

It’s Naughty Nazi Nite on the History Channel with both “This Week in History” (8 p.m.) and “History’s Mysteries” (9 p.m.) probing the highlights of and the possible occult influences on the Third Reich.

On the National Geographic channel, “Living Wild” doubles its pleasure with a pair of hours on both deadly crocodiles (8 p.m.) and friendly alligators (9 p.m.).

“True Hollywood Story” (8 & 9 p.m., E!) digs both skeletons and hideous outfits from the closets of Siegfried, Roy and Wayne Newton.

Jessica Lange and Anthony Hopkins host the “Nobel Peace Concert 2002” (9 p.m., A&E), a tribute to Jimmy Carter. While the lineup features current hit makers Jennifer Lopez, Michelle Branch and Josh Groban, you can kind of tell which performers may be there at Carter’s request: Santana, Willie Nelson and Hall & Oates.

“NOW With Bill Moyers” (9 p.m., PBS) looks at the many necessary government programs facing cuts thanks to the war on terrorism; chats with liberal legend Howard Zinn about the seemingly unstoppable war against Iraq; and praises the work of non-profit law center Nebraska Appleseed, which defends the rights of Nebraska’s poor.

“Reba” (9 p.m., WB) and company create video diaries for baby Elizabeth; rednecky mayhem ensues.

“Hack” (9 p.m., CBS) takes on the Witness Protection Program when helping search for a woman who was kidnapped to force a Justice Department employee’s cooperation.

While the Remote Patroller has at least two sets tuned in at any given time to watch all these offerings, the set which will be the biggest focus of his attention tonight will be the one running the fascinating tale of the world’s first skyjacking, “Flight From Justice: The Story of D.B. Cooper” (9 p.m., Discovery).

A small town shootout catches the eye and/or spleen of “Dateline NBC” (9 p.m., NBC).

A serial killer returns to face off with “John Doe” (9 p.m., Fox), and this time he’s kidnapped Lt. Avery.

The lights are on, the box is locked, it’s robot fightin’ time on “Stargate SG-1” (9 p.m., Sci-Fi).

David Alan Grier hosts “Rock Stars Do the Dumbest Things” (9 p.m., VH1), a special which probably has a few traits in common with its title.

“Fight for Your Rights” (9:30 p.m., MTV) might explain why “Sex in the Classroom” is a bad thing unless you’re actually in a Van Halen music video.

Hiring your friends as coworkers never seems to work on “The Drew Carey Show” (9:30 p.m., ABC), as Drew finds out once again when he gives Oswald a job in the company mail room of Neverendingstore.com.

Speaking of “West Wing” ripoffs, Oliver Platt actually left his recurring role as the President’s counsel to star as a justice on “Queens Supreme” (10 p.m., CBS). Joining him on the ever so quirky benches of the Queens County Courthouse are Annabella Sciorra and Robert Loggia. Frankly, I’m betting that both of these new governmental shows won’t be reelected by their networks.

“20/20” (10 p.m., ABC) pops the childproof cap off headache remedies which may be causing “a mysterious epidemic of ‘rebound’ headaches,” combs through the latest alleged baldness cures, drinks in the beauty of Mariel Hemingway, and lets resident crank John Stossel moan about coach Bobby Knight.

“Wanda Sykes: Tongue Untied” (10 p.m., Comedy Central) is a well-deserved showcase for one of the hardest working comediennes in the business, last seen busting Larry David’s chops, hosting Comedy Central’s “Premium Blend,” developing her own midseason replacement on Fox, giving commentary on “Inside the NFL,” and pranking the vast unwashed on “Crank Yankers.”

“EGG, the arts show” (10 p.m., PBS) tries to find a suitable hobby for Jerry Stiller, ogles highway sculptures, harmonizes with barbershop quartets, and critiques the catalogue of filmmaker Sid Laverents.

DOUBLE FEATURE DU JOUR

Turner Classic Movies’ pairing of “Tron” (8 p.m.) & “WarGames” (10 p.m.).

POINTLESS PEDOPHILIA PLOT LINE

Jerry Orbach and Jesse L. Martin cross over to “Law & Order: SVU” (10 p.m., NBC) for a particularly gruesome case with a six-year-old shooting victim who happens to have a sexually transmitted disease.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” (8:30 p.m., WB): “Bachelor/ette” host Chris Harrison and 98 Degrees singer Drew Lachey. Plot: American Idolatry.

“Whose Line Is It Anyway?” (9 p.m., ABC): Jerry Springer. Plot: Probably not musical chairs.

TALK TALK

* “Leggy Blonde Republican Fembots Attack!” as Donahue asks, “As a woman, can you be both conservative and a champion of women’s issues?”

* Sean “Baghdad” Penn gives Larry King his side of the story on his controversial trip to Iraq.

* You can catch both of the weeks’ new episodes of “So Graham Norton” tonight as the Bo Derek chat is followed by a repeat of Monday’s conversation with Steve Irwin.

* Spike Lee and Edward Norton pimp their new film “The 25th Hour” with The Man — Charlie Rose.

* Go figure, Andy Richter is the “A” guest on “Late Night With David Letterman,” particularly compared to Rich Hall.

* William H. Macy and Tyrese compare techniques for smooth talkin’ with Craig Kilborn.

Danza Fever

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, January 11-12, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

SATURDAY

Turn out the lights and cuddle with your sweetheart for a Turner Classic Movies creature-feature marathon running deep into the night: “The Creature From the Black Lagoon” (8 p.m.), “Frankenstein” (9:30 p.m.), “The Mummy” (10:45 p.m.), “The Thing From Another World” (midnight), “King Kong” (1:30 a.m.) and “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” (3:15 a.m.).

The Falcons and Eagles — birds of prey which people actually tune in for — battle in the NFC divisional playoff (8 p.m., Fox).

“Law & Order in the Real West” (8 p.m., History) tackles tales of such varmints as Wyatt Earp, Jesse James, Billy the Kid, John Wesley Hardin, Calamity Jane and the Dalton Gang.

Just because we didn’t have enough pointless dating shows, “Taildaters” (8:30 p.m., MTV) has its couples mocked, belittled and demeaned by their family and friends. Greg Proops keeps trying to be adopted.

Brandy Ledford stars in “Mary Higgins Clark’s ‘We’ll Meet Again’” (9 p.m., Pax) as a woman accused of a crime she did not commit.

Teams of three compete in the “$50,000 Pastry Challenge” (9 p.m., Food Network), producing the world’s greatest cream puffs, bear claws and biscuits.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Touched by an Angel” (8 p.m., CBS): Stacy Keach. Plot: A runaway hates her father.

DUELING DUDES

* The bad news is, Keanu Reeves has escaped from the Matrix long enough to coach a little league team in “Hardball” (8 p.m., Showtime). The good news: Tatum O’Neal is nowhere to be seen.

* Ethan Hawke is not shielded from the corrupt schemes of Denzel Washington in “Training Day” (8 p.m., HBO).

DOUBLE FEATURE DU JOUR

“Rosemary’s Baby” (8 p.m.) followed by “The Stepfather” (11 p.m., both Bravo).

PARDO THE INTERRUPTION

Jeff Gordon has some dangerous curves to negotiate — fellow “Saturday Night Live” guest Avril Lavigne.

SUNDAY

You might try to count all “One Hundred and One Dalmatians” (7 p.m., ABC), but I’ll just take their word for it.

Montgomery Gentry is saluted with several hours’ worth of CMT programming, including “CMT Got Me in With the Band” (7:30 p.m.), “Inside Fame” (8 p.m.), “Total Release” (9 p.m.) and “Most Wanted Live Stacked” (10 p.m.).

“Independent Focus” (7:30 p.m., IFC) tackles the Coen Brothers’ works of quirk.

“Behind the Red Door” (8 p.m., Showtime) launches a year-long anti-HIV/AIDS initiative from Viacom. This film stars Kyra Sedgwick and Kiefer Sutherland as siblings battling his infection and each other.

The bad guys have conquered the planet, and a young man from the Rocky Mountains is our only hope in the John Travolta classic “Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000” (9 p.m., Sci Fi).

Portia de Rossi and Kristoffer Polaha star in “America’s Prince: The John F. Kennedy Jr. Story” (8 p.m., TBS), an fictionalized tale of John-John’s work at George magazine and his troubled marriage and subsequent death. The tale is also told tonight on “Biography” (10 p.m., A&E) as “John F. Kennedy Jr.: Child of a Dream.”

Homer once again fears he’s lost touch with Lisa on “The Simpsons” (8 p.m., Fox), so he does what any responsible parent would: He hires a private detective to spy on her.

“Nature” (8 p.m., PBS) finds life in one of the few places whiter than Trent Lott’s congressional district: the wilds of Antarctica.

Meg is lectured, and the family finds a bully in their midst on “American Dreams” (8 p.m., NBC).

“60 Minutes” (8 p.m./after football in the East, CBS) looks at Sheryl Crow’s battle with the music industry; one of the world’s most competitive colleges — the Indian Institute of Technology; and America’s aging baby boom.

Dale and the gang hunt varmints in the Megalo-Mart on “King of the Hill” (8:30 p.m., Fox).

Tony Danza hosts “The 29th Annual People’s Choice Awards” (9 p.m., CBS), which can only mean that the People had no say in that decision. For some even more inexplicable reason, Joan and Melissa Rivers will be “Live From the Red Carpet” outside beforehand (7 p.m., E!).

Albert Finney returns as “My Uncle Silas (II)” in another series of highbrow adventures on “[This sponsorship for lease’s] Masterpiece Theatre” (9 p.m., PBS).

“Driven” (9 p.m., VH1) tells the story of a young bookish lad named Enrique Iglesias who just wants women to lust after him like they do his papa.

Malcolm and Reese fear that Francis is playing too much by the rules on “Malcolm in the Middle” (9 p.m., Fox).

“Six Feet Under” returns in March, but “True Stories From the Morgue” (9 p.m., TLC) has everything but the gay brother for you. Tonight’s tale before the crypt: the aftermath of a post-September 11th bus hijacking in Tennessee.

Three late arrivals stir up trouble on “High School Reunion” (9 p.m., WB).

A dead airline baggage supervisor had claimed she was being asked to assume positions other than “locked and upright” on “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (9 p.m., NBC).

“Andy Richter Controls the Universe” (9:30 p.m., Fox), but has a little trouble explaining what he’s doing when caught in flagrante delicto (and/or mucho nachos) with Jessica’s maid.

Does a dance troupe of Latina schoolgirls have what it takes to win the big competition at the end of “Gotta Kick It Up” (9:40 p.m., Disney)? Probably, since a happy ending is required when the film is not being shown on either Sundance Channel or IFC.

Johnny hopes to rescue teenagers from a collapsing mineshaft in “The Dead Zone” (10 p.m., USA).

A meth lab suspect can’t rat on a recent heist on “Boomtown” (10 p.m., NBC) after his throat is slashed at the police station.

A chat with Norman Lear on “TV Land Legends: The 60 Minutes Interviews” (10 p.m.) is followed by another new edited clip show. “ET in TV Land” (10:30 p.m.) takes a look at the success and/or scandals of “Happy Days.”

Missed the season debut of “The Shield” (10 p.m., FX)? Let the weekly repeat fill in for your “Sopranos” fix.

“The Smashing Machine: The Life and Times of Mark Kerr” (10 p.m., HBO) follows an extreme fighter on his journey to fame, fortune and/or concussions and cracked ribs in Japan.

How long can it possibly take to fetch an elder some water? Director Bernardo Bertolucci answers that question with an Indian fable. “Histoire d’Eaux” is part of the “Ten Minutes Older” short films project (10:45 p.m., Showtime).

“Futurama” joins a new five-night “Adult Swim” lineup on Cartoon Network and can actually be seen in a regular time slot every Sunday through Thursday at 11 p.m.

“Hollywood Reality” (11 p.m., A&E) “truth squad” dissects Mel Gibson’s “Braveheart.”

RIPPED SLOWLY FROM THE HEADLINES

“For the People” (10 p.m., Lifetime) fictionalizes the Lizzie Grubman case.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Oz” (9 p.m., HBO): Edie Falco. Plot: The mayor visits “Em City,” and the inmates are getting sick in solitary.

“Alias” (9 p.m., ABC): Faye Dunaway. Plot: Syd and Vaughn go out on a date, which has been a bad idea since the series began.

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK

* Nicole Kidman spends one of her “Hours” with Regis and Kelly.

* “View” guest cohost Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon helps the ladies congratulate Diane Lane on her Oscar buzz.

* Caroline Rhea spends the day with Dennis Haysbert, Billy Zane, Vivian Green and Curtis Stigers.

* Zach Braff scrubs up to help Erin Brockovich improve the water in Wayne Brady’s green room.

While Lola heads straight for Dick Clark’s leg

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, January 13, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

CBS, UPN and the WB pretend it’s still the holidays and take the night off, with all repeat schedules.

The Osbournes host the 30th annual “American Music Awards” (8 p.m., ABC). Suddenly “Fear Factor” sounds like an appealing choice.

Contestants on “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) have to “transfer rats from one container to another using only their mouths.” Never mind.

Kelsey Grammer and Aidan Quinn star as George Washington and Benedict Arnold in “A Question of Honor” (8 p.m., A&E). They couldn’t afford Judd Nelson as Thomas Jefferson?

Six more episodes of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” (8 p.m., HBO) zip by with the secrets of Alanis Morissette, the death of Larry’s mother, a corpse-sniffing dog, rap music, an unpleasant cough caused by an unmentionable act, bad tipping, an offense to a nativity scene, and a restaurant critic.

“Dinner and a Movie” (8 p.m., TBS) pairs “Home Alone” with the extremely difficult meal “All the Cereal You Can Eat.”

“Trauma: Life in the ER” (8 p.m., TLC) visits Los Angeles, where a clinic faces a high patient load including victims of gang violence.

What the hospital probably doesn’t need is to have one of its ambulances turned into a “wheelie-car” by the mad welders of “Monster Garage” (8 p.m., Discovery).

“Cirque du Soleil: Fire Within” (8 p.m., Bravo) goes behind the scenes of the troupe’s new trapeze act (three episodes air).

“The American Experience” (9 p.m., PBS) begins a three-part look at the growth of Chicago from “Mudhole to Metropolis.”

“Paul Monette: The Brink of Summer’s End” (9 p.m., Sundance) documents the life of the acclaimed writer in the final days of his life before his death from AIDS in 1995.

Barbara Hershey’s cruel treatment forces her daughter into the “Hunger Point” (9 p.m., Lifetime) of anorexia nervosa. Gag me with a wire hanger!

The princess wannabes didn’t count on having to muck the stables and the whole “boring” early parts of the “Cinderella” story, on the highly addictive “Joe Millionaire” (9 p.m., Fox).

Groped from the headlines: A patient claims that one member of the “Third Watch” (9 p.m., NBC) molested her, while another cop has to break up a domestic dispute between a pair of lesbians, one of whom the detective remembers from high school.

Vegetarianism has its drawbacks on “Animal Precinct” (9 p.m., Animal Planet), where the Humane Society treats a cat blinded by an all-plant diet.

A new set of perky hopefuls hope for success in the acting documentary/reality series “The It Factor: L.A.” (9:30 p.m., Bravo). High drama occurs in the second episode of the evening (10 p.m.) when “one of the actors loses their dog.”

A list compiled by TV Guide and VH1 generates a weeklong series of “100 Moments That Rocked TV” (10 p.m.).

“Savants” (10 p.m., Discovery) suggests that we all have the potential for genius evidenced by a specific few, generally anti-social, wunderkind.

A deadly carjacking has another victim when a baby is found hidden under the woman’s corpse on “Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Boston Public” (8 p.m., Fox): Anne Archer. Plots: A student tries to buy a hot date on eBay; the star basketball player may flunk out before having the chance to date a hot teacher; and another faculty member has a different kind of parent/teacher conference on his mind, in which he’ll be grading on several curves.

TALK TALK

* Kathy Bates gives “The Daily Show” a whack.

* Dave tries to figure out if Jimmy Kimmel’s show can possibly be dumber than his, and promotes the career of CBS star Simon Baker on orders from the network weasels.

* Salma Hayek tries to justify her continued career on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

* Craig Kilborn takes in the beauty of Estella Warren, talks sports with Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, and rocks out to the sounds of Todd Snider.

TUESDAY MORNING

* Jimmy Kimmel and Martin Lawrence both attempt to pinch Kelly, while Regis glares.

* Simon Baker attempts to charm the ladies of “The View.”

* Ray Liotta and Ellen Cleghorne dance the Caroline Rhea Tango.

* Wayne Brady smiles while Pat O’Brien accesses, Sydney Tamiia Poitier begs for viewers and Dr. Patricia McConnell tests his funny bone.

Touch me in the morning.

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, January 14, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

CBS is all reruns, as is the WB’s “Smallville” and 3/5 of the ABC lineup.

“Nova” (8 p.m., PBS) locates the crash site of of a lost WWII bomber.

“UPN’s Funky Flubs” (8 p.m.) is all the fun one might expect from an hour of bloopers from every UPN show that supplied clips.

Though not even she asked for it, Phyllis Diller Night is on E!, with the comedienne’s life given the “True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m.), followed by her appearance on “Star Dates” (9 p.m.).

Only on a show like “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) can red snapper fillets, porcini mushroom-dusted chicken, stir-fried ginger vegetables and orange and rum-poached pineapples be considered “a lite meal.”

Three hours of “Operation Desert Storm” (8 p.m., History) look back at 1991’s ground assault with a focus on the military’s then-new gadgetry including air weaons, global positioning systems and totally gnarly butt-kickin’ tanks.

“Storm Stories” (8:30 p.m., Weather Channel) offers more history not necessarily enjoyable to be revisiting: the damage of 1989’s hurricane Hugo in South Carolina.

Part two of “The American Experience: Chicago — City of the Century” (9 p.m., PBS) examines the area’s rapid industrial development and its consequence, the “Haymarket Riot.”

Mimes, angry jugglers and squirrels rescued by firemen are par for the course on “Life With Bonnie” (9 p.m., ABC).

Nina tries to avoid Jack on “24” (9 p.m., Fox), while the President tries to avoid a national panic even after he tells the public they’re all about to be blown up.

The “WWE RAW 10th Anniversary” (9 p.m., TNN) includes the RAW Awards, a countdown of the show’s 25 best moments, such as they are.

With a title like “Death of a Cheerleader” (9 p.m., Lifetime), you just know that Tori Spelling is involved.

The flighty “Abby” (9 p.m., UPN) just can’t help wondering why a guy she hated isn’t polite enough to ask her out for a second date. Is Cathy Guisewite one of the writers?

The parents on “Hidden Hills” (9:30 p.m., NBC) attempt to relive their youth by attending a rock concert in generic sitcom plot #21.

Sipowicz Jr. regresses when his dad shacks up with the blonde, John is framed for heroin possession, and a woman is beaten to death by a drill on family favorite “NYPD Blue” (10 p.m., ABC).

We can only hope that Jane Pauley will press singer Avril Lavigne for her thoughts on nuclear proliferation in North Korea during their chat on “Dateline” (10 p.m., NBC).

“Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel” (10 p.m., HBO) learns how former NBA player Bob Love overcame stuttering, and weighs the diet problems of obese football players.

Mackey tortures a gang member on a particuarly bloody episode of “The Shield” (10 p.m., FX). Parental guidance is recommended; don’t try this at home.

“What Not to Wear” (10 p.m., BBC America) attempts to curb a female cabbie of her view that jeans are hereditary.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Just Shoot Me” (8 p.m., NBC): Danny Nucci. Plot: As Hawkeye once created a fictional Captain Tuttle to benefit an orphanage on “M*A*S*H,” Finch uses similar creative paperwork for a parking space. Yes, we’ll try very hard to stop comparing these two classic sitcoms.

“Gilmore Girls” (8 p.m., WB): Marion Ross. Plot: Just about the only one they ever seem to have, where the girls can’t have fun or date their men as an annoying relative visits them.

“Frasier” (9 p.m., NBC): Felicity Huffman. Plot: The only show that really can spoofs Maria Bartiromo.

TALK TALK

* Michael Moore guests on “The Daily Show,” one of the few venues in “the vast liberal media” that will book him.

* Claire Danes promotes her latest so-called movie on “The Late Show With David Letterman,” and Bob Sarlatte does his latest material.

* Of the “Tonight’s Show’s” guests, Nicole Kidman, Dame Edna, or Shania Twain, who do you think will wear the least makeup? Dame Edna is correct.

* Oscar De La Hoya and Annabella Sciorra confuse Craig Kilborn, who didn’t expect either to schprechen ze English.

* Martin Lawrence vexes, Michael Rosenbaum “Lex”-es, and Thievery Corporation just excesses on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien.”

* Moby and Fat Joe mix and match on “Last Call.”

WEDNESDAY MORNING

* Tom Selleck and Kathy Bates hold a swearing contest while Regis and Kelly’s jaws drop.

* “One Life to Live’s” Kassie DePaiva cohosts “The View.”

* Erin Brockovich hopes that all the pastel flowers on Caroline Rhea’s set aren’t as radioactive as they appear.

* “Bachelorette” Trista Rehn tosses Justin Timberlake a rose on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Just sing …

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, January 15, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

The UPN lineup continues to be repeats.

People sing on “Star Search” (8 p.m., CBS). They sing a song. They sing out loud and sing out strong. Sing of good things, not bad. Sing of happy, not sad. They don’t worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear. They just sing, sing a song.

Carol gets even with a high school classmate on “Ed” (8 p.m., NBC) by making her sit through this season of “The West Wing.”

The kids on “The Bernie Mac Show” (8 p.m., Fox) get some of that old-time religion when they destroy a picture of Jesus and are told by a priest that they can go to hell for, well, being hellions.

If dolled-up youngsters dreaming of being the next LeAnn Rimes is too perky for you, dim the lights and settle in for “Secrets of the Dead: Tragedy at the Pole” (8 p.m., PBS) and the wintery 1912 death of adventurer Robert F. Scott.

“True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) spends more time analyzing “Dirty Dancing” than it took to show the flick in theatres.

A paranoid schizophrenic kills her landlord on “The System” (8 p.m., Court TV) in the case of a duplex complex.

“Made” (8:30 p.m., MTV) helps transform a fat girl into a cheerleader. Sigh, did we learn nothing from “Heathers”?

“George Lopez” (8:30 p.m., ABC) and his wife try and get Benny to forgive her dying, estranged brother.

Part 3 of “American Experience: Chicago — City of the Century” (9 p.m., PBS) heads up with the birth of the world’s first skyscraper at the end of the 19th century.

“The Bachelorette” (9 p.m., ABC) narrows down the field of dudes by showering with them. The losers get a cold one.

“60 Minutes II” (9 p.m., CBS) reports on an autism breakthrough and the Predator, the remote-controlled warplane that’s spying on you … right now.

“Angel” (9 p.m., WB) is back on at a new vamp time, on the same vamp channel, with Connor in bed with Cordelia and captured by true evil: lawyers.

A foot race between man and giraffe, an eating competition between man and bear, and an obstacle race between man and chimp are the alleged highlights of “Man vs. Beast” (9 p.m., Fox). The winners get to plan an exit strategy from Iraq.

After walking on hot coals (which aren’t really that warm), the players on the extremely disappointing “Celebrity Mole” (10 p.m., ABC) jump off cliffs and biplanes. Why must there be bungee cords involved?

“US Weapons Against Iraq” (10 p.m., History) looks at the really cool toys President Bush wants to play with, if only the world will let him take them out of the box, thus ruining their collector value. Those Tie-fighters are like really cool, you know.

A “special” episode of “48 Hours Investigates” (10 p.m., CBS) delivers an “Invitation to a Murder,” and the tried and true tale of a man accused of killing his wife … a crime he didn’t commit.

Participants try to “Escape From Experiment Island” (10 p.m., TLC) this week by building a hovercraft from junk.

A gambling hood whacks his partner on “Law & Order” (10 p.m., NBC).

“60 Years of the Golden Globes” (10:30 p.m., Bravo) might actually mention the one time the Hollywood Foreign Press’ opinion actually mattered.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Dawson’s Creek” (8 p.m., WB): Jack Osbourne, again. Plot: Dawson gets to direct a horror film when the real director pulls an Alan Smithee.

“The West Wing” (9 p.m., NBC): Matthew Modine. Good news, Aaron Sorkin didn’t write this one. Very Special Plot (from playwright Jon Robin Baitz): C.J. speaks at her 20th high-school class reunion, and learns her father has Alzheimer’s Disease.

TALK TALK

* Sandra Bullock watches her back while waiting in Dave’s green room with Marv Albert.

* We can only hope that Denzel Washington and Elton John don’t arrive at “The Tonight Show” wearing the same outfit.

* Jeff Cesario begs Arsenio Hall to get on “Star Search” as the two chat with Craig Kilborn.

* Senator Joseph Lieberman launches his 2004 presidential campaign with a chat with Conan O’Brien, while Rosario Dawson hopes to become his vice president.

* Ashton Kutcher says “dude” more than necessary on “Last Call with, you know, that dude!”

THURSDAY MORNING

* Claire Danes preens, Queen Latifah sheens, and Dru Hill leans on “Live With Regis and Kelly.”

* Ryan Seacrest tests lame material on “The View.”

* Blythe Danner promotes the return of the awful CBS series “Presidio Med” on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* James Brolin, M.C. Hammer and Raven-Symone fake relevance on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Nwaogwugwu? No thanks, I’m giving it up for Lent.

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, January 16, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

It’s the semifinals round on “Star Search” (8 p.m., CBS). Will our favorite singer Ugochi Nwaogwugwu win again in Hollywood? Research from our friend Terry Knab reveals that Nwaogwugwu made off with a Pontiac Grand Am worth $14,494 in the “Money Game” on “The ‘New’ Price is Right” in 1994. (Look for TVGameshows.net to “exclusively” report this factoid later.)

Witness the humiliation that is the first two episodes of “Joe Millionaire” (8 p.m., Fox), now with added (but not necessarily interesting) footage.

“The Disco Ball” (8 p.m., ABC) at the Shrine Auditorium drew over 3,500 partiers for an AIDS benefit with a tribute to the Bee Gees, and performances or appearances by Whoopi Goldberg, KC & the Sunshine Band, Usher, Gloria Gaynor, Mya, Thelma Houston, the Village People, Irene Cara, the Pointer Sisters, Chic, Paula Abdul, George Lopez, Cedric the Entertainer, Ali Landry, Martha Wash, Aaron Carter, Taylor Dayne, the Spinners, the Trammps, Nicki French, Cheryl Lynn, Sara Rue, Ryan Seacrest, Wilmer Valderrama and Bruce Vilanch.

“WWE SmackDown!” (8 p.m., UPN) prepares for “The Royal Rumble,” their second PPV event in as many months. I’ve not really paid attention to these since the days of Captain Lou Albano. Now that was high quality pretend wrestling, I tell ya.

Sailors battle the “Savage Seas” (8 p.m., PBS) to catch crabs. We’d make a joke about dating Pamela Lee, but we’re not in junior high freshmen anymore. We go for humor that’s at the very least sophomoric.

Feeling like shad roe with tomato-anchovy sauce again? “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) to the rescue.

Get a preview of the best of the film festival as “10 Days of Sundance” begins (8 p.m., Sundance).

A group of six will quit smoking, exercise more and try to change their eating habits in an attempt to meet the government’s health standards over four months in the “Discovery Health Body Challenge 2” (8 & 9 p.m., Discovery Health).

The Travel Channel spends the week in Vegas with Penn & Teller, tonight investigating the schools that train “Vegas Dealers” (8 p.m.), sharing the techniques used to catch the city’s numerous “Cheaters” (9 p.m.), and trying to cover the sprawling area inside the “MGM Grand: Las Vegas” (10 p.m.).

Can we get someone to tape the night’s offerings of the History Channel for the Bush administration? David Frost chats with President George H. Bush, Brent Scowcroft, Barbara Bush, Margaret Thatcher, Colin Powell and Norman Schwarzkopf, seeking the “Lessons From the Gulf War Leaders” (8 p.m.). “History Undercover” (9 p.m.) looks at the recent role of the CIA in the Middle East, and the defector known as “Saddam’s Bombmaker” (10 p.m.) spills the beans about Iraq’s atomic weapons program.

The “Chicago” story was told much earlier in the tale of dancer “Roxie Hart” (8:01 p.m., Fox Movie Channel), starring the vivacious Ginger Rogers.

JD explains the circle of life, and Turk almost proposes on “Scrubs” (8:30 p.m., NBC).

The producers of “The Surreal Life” (9 p.m., WB) helped alienate “Survivor’s” Jerri by having her purposefully arrive a day after the rest of the gang had bonded. Tonight, they give Jerri a “luxury tent” and force the others to compete to share it with her.

“Planet Storm” (9 p.m., Discovery) predicts doom for Earth, based on the weather patterns of the other bodies in our solar system.

A pair of BBC reporters pose as tourists in North Korea on “Frontline/World” (9 p.m., PBS), while another story exposes the controversies of the Miss World Pageant in Nigeria.

“The Vikings” (9 p.m., TLC) is a look at their lifestyle and their historic voyage to St. Paul.

“The Jamie Kennedy Experiment” (9:30 p.m., WB) annoys a personal trainer by pretending to need a protective bubble suit. Start writing those protest letters now.

The trackers of “Without a Trace” (10 p.m., CBS) must find their latest missing person before a serious medical condition kills her unborn child.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Friends” (8 p.m., NBC): Dermot Mulroney, Paul Rudd, Melissa George. Plot: Rats, birthday cake and flirtation. It’s Charles Dickens’ “Friends!”

“Will & Grace” (9 p.m., NBC): Rosanna Arquette. Plot: Nosy neighbors, and a new beau for Will. (Don’t hold your breath.)

“CSI: The First One” (9 p.m., CBS): Michael O’Keefe, “Once and Again’s” Evan Rachel Wood. Plot: The team finds a human eyeball in a raven’s nest, and prepares to autopsy a car salesman who hasn’t made his final deal yet.

“ER” (10 p.m., NBC): Ed Asner. Plot: STDs and the City.

TALK TALK

* Senator Joseph Lieberman hopefully won’t be answering the same sets of question for both “The Daily Show” and Charlie Rose.

* Catherine Zeta-Jones dances around Jay Leno’s questions, while Josh Brolin taps his coffee mug with a pencil.

* George Clooney confesses to Dave that he really doesn’t care for musical group “Soundtrack of Our Lives”.

* Julia Stiles saves one last dance for Craig Kilborn.

* Tom Selleck is on the big show with Conan O’Brien, alongside wrestler Big Show.

* Ray Liotta stops by for “Last Call.”

FRIDAY MORNING

* Julia Stiles and Rosario Dawson make Regis and Kelly look much older.

* Allison Janney wings her way north to the “The View,” where she crosses paths with Jerry O’Connell. Later, O’Connell slides into the chair next to Caroline Rhea.

* Suzanne Somers, Naomi Judd and George Foreman sing their new single “Squeeezin’, Pleasin’ and Lightly Seasoned” for Wayne Brady.

Wunderbar!… oops, Wonderbra!

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, January 17, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

Another marathon of “That’s So Raven” (7 p.m.-1 a.m., Disney), starring the former “Cosby” kid (formerly Raven-Symone), launches the series in its regular time slot.

Sidney Poitier and Bill Cosby try to fix a boxing match by hypnotizing Jimmie “J. J. ” Walker in “Let’s Do It Again” (7:30 p.m., BET). On second thought, let’s not. (Will Smith bought the rights to remake this and two other Poitier/Cosby comedies last year.)

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) offers a timely eulogy with “The Bee Gees: This Is Where I Came In.”

Rebecca and Odo fall prey to the Gamesmaster, in the Ivanhoe-retelling “Dark Knight” (8 p.m., Showtime Beyond).

Premature deliveries are flooding into “Presidio Med” (8 p.m., CBS).

Discovery Channel creates a panic over “Killer Ants” (8 p.m.) but says nothing about killer uncles.

Crichton is finally back on Earth on “Farscape” (8 p.m., Sci Fi). Naturally, this is very bad.

The real Erin Brockovich hosts the series “Final Justice” (8 p.m., Lifetime), a magazine series giving a voice each week to three other ordinary spitfires fighting the system and winning.

Did “Mister Sterling” (8 p.m., NBC) inhale? “No comment” doesn’t seem to be the right one.

The old West ain’t what she used to be, and neither are old Westerns, it seems. Tom Selleck stars in a remake of the 1970 revisionist film “Monte Walsh” (8 p.m., TNT) in the title role originally played by Lee Marvin.

Relive the magic of the “Golden Globes Nominations” (8 p.m., Bravo) without having to get up at 4 a.m. like Katie Couric does.

Where do libraries and copyright laws fit in the Internet age? That’s just one of the questions explored on “NOW With Bill Moyers” (9 p.m., PBS).

On a Very Special Episode of “Reba” (9 p.m., WB), Brock reveals he’s had a vasectomy and the young ‘uns move out after Reba freaks over the possibility of grandmotherhood.

A hit-and-run driver kills the father of one of “Hack’s” (9 p.m., CBS) son’s friends.

With all this talk of Iraq, does anyone remember the suicide bombers? Who does a guy have to blow up and get some attention anymore? “Inside the Mind of a Suicide Bomber” (“History Undercover,” 9 p.m., History) has their story.

“John Doe” (9 p.m., Fox) investigates the murder of a disc jockey who was #1 with a bullet.

“Dateline NBC” (9 p.m., NBC) busts scam artists in the online moving industry, a.k.a. the movers who also happen to be the shakers.

The son on “Greetings From Tucson” (9:30 p.m., WB) asks the ever popular question, “Dude, where’s my car?”

Why the fuss over chemical and biological weapons? “Clouds of Death: Scourge of Biological Warfare” (“History Undercover,” 10 p.m., History) explains that they’re cheaper to create than nuclear warfare, and just as easy to secretly switch for Folgers Crystals ™.

A Hong Kong vacation can be yours in both luxury and economy class on “Best of Both Worlds” (10 p.m., A&E).

“EGG, the arts show” (10 p.m., PBS) explores the world of machismo in the works of David Mamet and the world of Jerry Stiller.

“20/20” (10 p.m., ABC) explores the good side of guilt, and chats with someone with none: income tax objector Lynne Meredith.

Annabella Sciorra meets her fellow judges on “Queens Supreme” (10 p.m., CBS), while Judge Moran tries to appease the mob.

Presenting stilted dialogue you won’t hear on tonight’s “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (10 p.m., NBC): “Hey, you got cocaine in my Similac!” “Hey, you got Similac in my cocaine!”

VH1 goes “Inside: ‘The Arsenio Hall Show’” (midnight, VH1) in another attempt by the channel to reuse the talker’s valuable library footage.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Fastlane” (8 p.m., Fox): Jaime Pressly, George Hamilton. Plot: Lesbians! Lesbians! Lesbians! Did we mention the lesbians?

TALK TALK

* Catch both of the week’s new episodes of “So Graham Norton” (11 & 11:30 p.m., BBC America) and his “V Graham Norton” series chats with Kyle MacLachlan and Sandra Bernhard.

* Robin Williams explodes on “The Tonight Show,” though he can’t have anything left to promote.

* An hour-and-a-half “Nightline” looks at the media vs. the military in the age of the never-ending modern war.

* Dave lets Joan Rivers talk.

* Ryan Seacrest and Elijah Wood hit on audience members at “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”

* Susan Sarandon tries to free the audience of “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

Maybe even a half-groban and a homgumbel for the East German judges

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, January 18-19, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

SATURDAY

The flick “A Walk to Remember” (7 p.m., HBO) may not have a plot, but it does have young singer/actress Mandy Moore.

The “State Farm U.S. Figure Skating Championships” (8 p.m., ABC) offers kicked-up heels, triple farfs and quasi-hoobles from Michelle Kwan, Sarah Hughes and Sasha Cohen.

Andy Griffith sets for a spell on the “Grand Ole Opry Live” (8 p.m., CMT).

If you’re good, tonight “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) will make you some ice cream! But you have to finish all your vegetables.

“The 2003 Critics’ Choice Awards” (8 p.m., E!) has all the glamour of the Academy Awards, except they let the people who thought “Crocodile Dundee 3” was “riveting … the best comedy of the year … four stars!” near the ballot box.

Vegas week continues on he Travel Channel with a look at “Sucker Bets” (8 p.m.) and the town’s “Top Ten Bathrooms” (9 p.m.), followed by a “Battle of the Buffets” (10 p.m.).

Speaking of gambles, “Trading Spaces” (9 p.m., TLC) ends tonight’s broadcast live from Las Vegas with the results of two days’ worth of mayhem from not only creepy designers Doug and Hildi but Penn and Teller as well.

They did a series of tests with lab monkeys, and a half-hour of the “Fabulous Life of J. Lo” (9 p.m., VH1) is about all anyone can stand.

“America’s Most Wanted” takes a night off for a preview show from America’s Least wanted: Terry Bradshaw, James Brown, Howie Long, Jimmy Johnson, Jillian Barberie and Jimmy Kimmel bring us “NFL Saturday Night” (9 p.m., Fox).

The set list of the “Rolling Stones Live From Madison Square Garden” (9 p.m., HBO) probably covers most of their new greatest hits release, but it’s not like you’re dying to hear tracks from Mick Jagger’s last solo album, are you?

Maura Tierney, James LeGros and Christopher Walken star in “Scotland, Pa.” (9 p.m., Sundance), a quirky, critically acclaimed update of “Macbeth.”

At some point this year, just about every Viacom series will have an AIDS/HIV message. Tonight, it’s “The District” (9 p.m., CBS), with Chief Mannion saying good-bye to a friend and finishing an AIDS rally for her.

“The Agency” (10 p.m., CBS) hunts down terrorists from the Gaza strip.

An Americanized “What Not to Wear” (10 p.m., TLC) makes its debut, offering unsuspecting fashion victims a $5,000 check to buy new clothes, but only if they let a pair of stylists spend it for them and toss anything they want from the current closet catastrophes.

PEOPLE WHO STILL AREN’T CHEVY CHASE

Andy Dick brings his character “Daphne Aguilera” to “Mad TV”.

“Saturday Night Live” hopes for laughter and/or applause for Ray Liotta and the Donnas.

SUNDAY

If your husband has the remote control, you don’t really need to know about any of tonight’s offerings besides the NFC (3 p.m., Fox) and AFC (6:30 p.m., CBS) championship finals.

Joan and Melissa Rivers will have staked out the red carpet on E! early (6 p.m.), but NBC has its own “Golden Globes Arrival Special” (7 p.m.) with the 60-watt bulb interview team of Dick Clark, Lisa Ling and Nancy O’Dell. The actual festivities begin with dinner at 8 p.m.

An eleven year old and his dog “Sounder” (7 p.m., ABC) set out to find the boy’s father after he’s sentenced to hard labor at an undisclosed location, possibly near Dick Cheney.

The civics lesson “Freedom: A History of Us” (7 p.m., PBS) tackles everything from “religious freedom for all” to several wake-up calls to the nation including the Industrial Revolution, railroads and women’s suffrage.

Danny Glover host the first episode in a ten-part series on children living with and/or orphaned by HIV/AIDS which asks “What’s Going On? (7:30 p.m., Showtime).

The coven battles Cole yet again on “Charmed” (8 p.m., WB).

If actual celebrities aren’t your thing, turn over to E! for a marathon of every “Star Dates” (8-10:30 p.m.), with disappointment for Butch Patrick, Dustin Diamond, Jill Whelan, Kim Fields, Phyllis Diller and their dates.

“Selma, Lord, Selma” (8 p.m., Disney) offers a Martin Luther King Day Weekend look at the civil rights movement through the eyes of a pair of young girls.

“Picture Perfect” (8 p.m., ABC Family) seems to be the second film in a weekly showcase of wacky Jennifer Aniston romantic comedies on the network.

The Travel Channel leaves Vegas and heads into the great unknown “On the Trail of Bigfoot” (8 p.m.), then to Peru for “Mysterious Desert Lines” (9 p.m.) before going “In Search of Amelia Earhart” (10 p.m.).

The babes of “High School Reunion” (9 p.m., WB) are asked to pose for Playboy. I’m guessing it’s their annual “People We Don’t Care About” issue.

Schillinger meets with the mayor on “Oz” (9 p.m., HBO) while one of the inmates tries a unique form of therapy.

“Moulin Rouge’s” evil Duke, Richard Roxburgh, stars as Sherlock Holmes in the “Masterpiece Theatre” production of “The Hound of the Baskervilles” (9 p.m., PBS).

A case of West Nile virus is a good reason for the use of “Strong Medicine” (9 p.m., Lifetime).

Johnny helps bring someone out of a coma on “The Dead Zone” (10 p.m., USA) with the tried and true Vulcan mind meld.

“Legends: The 60 Minutes Interviews” (10 p.m., TV Land) offers a chat with Carol Burnett, followed by the “ET in TV Land” (10:30 PM) scandals edition, devoted to the oft-told tales of “The Brady Bunch.”

A new edition of “Taxicab Confessions 2003: Girls Like It Hot” (10 p.m., HBO) offers cheap thrills that pay by the mile, including the girls gone wild seen by your weird uncle on the Internet.

“Ten Minutes After” this week’s edition of the short film series “Ten Minutes Older”, you’ll have seen a murder, courtesy of director Istvan Szabo (10:45 p.m., Showtime).

The Hollywood vice squad nabs some transvestite prostitutes and makes some random coke busts on “Detective Beat” (11 p.m., A&E). So it’s hard to tell which cell Andy Dick will be in after the Golden Globes ceremony.

CHRISTMAS TIME IS STILL HERE

“Scrooged” (6 p.m., Comedy Central), may be the worst way possible to ring in Martin Luther King Day.

TALK TALK

Monday morning

* Henry Simmons and Mario Cantone join “The View.”

* Annabella Sciorra chats with Caroline Rhea.

* Wayne Brady welcomes William Shatner, Dexter Scott King and Tyrese.

Spell-check replaces “Osbournes” with “obscureness”

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, January 20, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

The menu on tonight’s “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) is balut: partially developed duck embryos, liquefied liver and dead silkworms in brine.

More plagues visit “7th Heaven” (8 p.m., WB) with a Very Special Episode on cystic fibrosis, therapy and discussions with the in-laws.

“King of Queens” (8 p.m., CBS) celebrates the Super Bowl, forgetting that his network doesn’t actually have it this year.

A childhood clown returns on “The Parkers” (8 p.m., UPN). Please don’t let it be Pennywise.

The King’s first fiancée gets her due in “Elvis & June: A Love Story” (“Biography,” 8 p.m., A&E).

“My Life Is a Sitcom” (8 p.m., ABC Family), if it can be described at all, deserves the unflattering tag of “American Idol: The Sitcom” as eight families compete to become “the next Osbournes.”

New episodes of “Dinner for Five” (8 p.m., IFC) finally appear, with the season opener promoting the February release of “Daredevil” starring Jon Favreau (“Foggy” Nelson) , Ben Affleck (our hero Matt Murdock), Jennifer Garner (Elektra), Colin Farrell (Bullseye) and Kevin Smith (Jack Kirby).

It’s gotta be painful for auto enthusiasts to watch as the mad welders of “Monster Garage” (8 p.m., Discovery) turn a $20,000 PT Cruiser into a wood chipper.

“Dominick Dunne: Power, Privilege & Justice” (8 p.m., Court TV) explores Al Taubman’s scandalous decade-long price-fixing collusion between auction houses Sotheby’s and Christie’s.

For nine couples it’s make-or-break time and relationship therapy in Hawaii is “The Last Resort” (8:30 p.m., ABC Family).

An early spring cleaning causes problems on “Yes, Dear” (8:30 p.m., CBS) when Greg refuses to get rid of his old and/or ugly things in generic sitcom plot #831.

“Joe Millionaire” (9 p.m., Fox) takes the remaining gold diggers to visit the actual Moulin Rouge where, as we all know, absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

“American Experience” (9 p.m., PBS) documents the “Murder of Emmett Till,” a 14-year-old black boy, who was killed for whistling at a white woman in 1955.

Richard Dreyfuss voices young Teddy Roosevelt in the two-part “TR: An American Lion” (9 p.m., History), with a look at the future president’s debilitating struggle with asthma.

Reruns of “Celebrity Mole Hawaii” (9 p.m.) wash up on the beach of ABC Family. (It’s either Michael or Erik.)

The troupe learns their acts’ name, dot the trapezes and literally cross their eyes on “Cirque du Soleil: Fire Within” (9 p.m., Bravo).

Celibacy is the butt of jokes for “Half and Half” (9:30 p.m., UPN).

The rebels without a contract look for new management and audition for pilots on “The It Factor L.A.” (9:30 p.m., Bravo).

The hard life of black gay activist Bayard Rustin is explored in the documentary “Brother Outsider” (“P.O.V. “, 10 p.m., PBS). Rustin kept on fighting despite being overlooked, jailed and beaten.

“Meet My Folks” (10 p.m., NBC) returns with more possible choices for the parents to pick, and the odd inclusion of trivia from Wink Martindale.

The summer series “Gay Weddings” (10 p.m., Bravo) returns in weekly half-hour chunks of wedded bliss.

JFK won’t let Abe Lincoln come to his party without bringing the beer on “Clone High” (10:30 p.m. MTV).

“The Dream Team With Annabelle (Gurwich) and Michael (Lennox)” (11 p.m., Sci Fi) is a companion to “Crossing Over With John Edward,” with just as many guesses. The opener includes speculation about a dead naked twin sister and a wedding to an ugly bride.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Boston Public” (8 p.m., Fox) Anne Archer. Plot: A student tells Flynn she suspects her mom is having an affair, but he already knows, since she’s kinda having it with him.

TALK TALK

* Merv Griffin visits “The Daily Show.” Ooooooooh.

*Jay Leno chews the fat with Nia Vardalos and Golden Globe winner Richard Gere, and grooves to the stylings of R&B legend Solomon Burke.

* David Letterman trades snide remarks with Simon Cowell, who will, we hope, be giving a good score to 24-year old Asian-American pianist Vienna Teng.

* Craig Kilborn gets culturally diverse with Arsenio Hall and Sydney Tamiia Poitier.

TUESDAY MORNING

* Regis and Kelly banter with Rita Rudner, Wilmer Valderrama and chef Mario Batali.

* Paula Abdul cohosts “The View,” welcoming actresses Jennifer O’Neill and Katey Sagal.

* The one/two and only Patty Duke visits Caroline Rhea.

* Wayne Brady gets real with fake psychic John Edward, “Star Search” judge Naomi Judd, “Celebrity Mole” participant Frederique and actor Mark Wills.

“there’s a guy who’s been awake since the second world war …”

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, January 21, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

With a name like “Sexy Movie” (7 p.m., Playboy), it would appear that the porn world has finally run out of titles.

How to tell the women’s cable channels apart: WE - Women’s Entertainment offers a crazy woman named “Sybil” (8 p.m.), while Oxygen has a crazy woman named “Cybill” who worked with Bruce Willis.

The “Gilmore Girls” (8 p.m., WB) head to court when a maid sues Emily and rumors are swirling about Rory.

It’s “pre-game” week on “Emeril Live,” tonight featuring “Emeril’s Tailgating Jam” (8 p.m., Food) and recipes for “Wedgie Salad,” grilled creole mustard-marinated quail with smothered field peas and Andouille, and garlic meatball po’ boy sandwiches.

“In Style: Celebrity Weddings” (8 p.m., NBC) gets exclusive footage from the nuptials of singers Marc Anthony, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and actors Shannon Elizabeth, Sharon Lawrence, Kyle MacLachlan and Tom Arnold.

“American Idol” (8 p.m., Fox) continues its search for shiny happy people.

Shocked fishermen come home with a coelacanth, thought to have been extinct since the days of the dinosaurs, on “Nova” (8 p.m., PBS).

“Buffy” (8 p.m., UPN) and the potential slayers prepare for the worst and/or the First.

Geneticist Spencer Wells uses DNA to help track the “Journey of Man” (9 p.m., PBS).

The idiots of “Hidden Hills” (9:30 p.m., NBC) consider moving — one house away.

The UK stylists of “What Not to Wear” (10 p.m., BBC America) do the time warp again and try to free a lass named Sam from her hopelessly ’80s wardrobe.

Why wait for the new issue of US when you can watch the “Fashion Police: 2003 Golden Globes” (10 p.m., E!)? Oh right, you have a life.

The excitement of “Meet My Folks” (10 p.m., NBC) continues, yawn.

“Judging Amy” (10 p.m., CBS) deals with a “Do Not Resuscitate” document, much like the one found on NBC’s “Providence.”

Vic teams up with his ex-partner to vanquish an old enemy on “The Shield” (10 p.m., FX).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“JAG” (8 p.m., CBS): Gavin MacLeod. Plot: Whistle-blowing.

“According to Jim” (8:30 p.m., ABC): Dan Aykroyd, Laraine Newman. Plot: The night they met, or was it day.

“The Osbournes” (10:30 p.m., MTV): P. Diddy. Plot: Sharon thinks it would be wonderful if Kelly married P. Diddy, thus officially turning the episode into a “Laugh-In” bit.

TALK TALK

* Simon Cowell mocks “The Daily Show.”

* Dave welcomes Regis Philbin, John C. Reilly and Toots Thielemans.

* Jay Leno chats with Julianne Moore, Ryan Seacrest and India.Arie.

* Liza Minnelli and David Gest reveal more than anyone really cares about to Craig Kilborn, while taking time away from James Marsters.

* Dave Chappelle, Wilmer Valderrama and Jason Mraz crack up Conan O’Brien.

WEDNESDAY MORNING

* Chuck Barris gongs both Carmen Electra and “The Love Chef”on “Live With Regis and Kelly.”

* Simon Cowell, Diane Sawyer and Queen Latifah join “The View.”

* “A.I. 2’s” Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson judge Caroline Rhea.

* Wayne Brady welcomes Martin Mull, Too Hot Tamales and Take 6, and tolerates Steve Guttenberg.

Oh, really?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, January 22, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

The UPN Wednesday lineup in once again in repeats, which is nothing new.

Carol is sued after writing a nasty restaurant review on “Ed” (8 p.m., NBC), and Phil behaves like the actual “Jackass,” Johnny Knoxville.

Telegenic youths emote on “Dawson’s Creek” (8 p.m., WB).

More stars are sought on “Star Search” (8 p.m., CBS).

A blackout occurs on “My Wife and Kids” (8 p.m., ABC), which I always wish for while it’s on my TV.

Itzhak Perlman plays “Live From Lincoln Center” (8 p.m., PBS) with some of his young charges, who couldn’t get booked on one of the other talent contests tonight.

Players from the Giants and the Jets gather for “Emeril’s Manly-Man Tailgating” (8 p.m., Food Network) to help prepare flank steaks, crawfish-stuffed chiles rellenos and barbecued oysters, since Emeril is the only man ever to have prepared all three dishes for a football game.

On Trio, “TV Out of the Box” goes behind the scenes at “The Shield” (8 p.m.) and “Andy Richter Controls the Universe” (9 p.m.).

“The Bachelorette” (8:30 p.m., ABC) gets “help” from Shannon, one of the other losers from the first edition of “The Bachelor.”

Another night in a row of “American Idol” auditions (8:30 p.m., Fox) makes for three hours of reasons to turn down the volume and turn on the closed captions.

“Crib Crashers” (8:30 p.m., MTV), yet another decorating show, turns a college senior’s pad into a replica of Tommy Lee’s “Club Mayhem.”

“Next Wave” (8:30 p.m., National Geographic) selfishly tries to save the Galápagos lobster so that Art Garfunkel can have lyrics and/or a title for his next album.

Hopefully you’ll have finished your dinner before watching “60 Minutes II” (9 p.m., CBS), which wants to entertain you with deadly food poisoning, and/or Michael Caine.

“Unsolved History” (9 p.m., Discovery) tries to recreate the 1881 gunfight at the OK Corral.

“Angel” (9 p.m., WB) and friends learn from Glinda, the good witch, that they always had the power to stop the Beast.

Previous seasonal champs from “Junkyard Wars” (9 p.m., TLC) face off with double the time to create a device strong enough to catapult a car. But, as we know from “Northern Exposure,” “It’s not the thing you fling, it’s the fling itself.”

A racial split over the lynching of Texan James Byrd, Jr., is documented in “Two Towns of Jasper” (“P.O.V.”, 9 p.m., PBS).

“Outlaw Biker Gangs” (9 p.m., History) explores the origins of the motorcycle craze, looking at the Hell’s Angels and Hollywood’s portrayal of the machine.

A man jailed as the “Lipstick Killer” maintains his innocence on “American Justice” (9 p.m., A&E).

Find out how many times Kathy Griffin has written the word “Baldwin” with a heart dotting the “i” as the players of “Celebrity Mole: Hawaii” (10 p.m., ABC) have pages torn from their diaries. Some also take an unexpected dip in the pool, and learn of an unexpected dip at the pool — executed player Stephen Baldwin.

Dr. Brennan of “Presidio Med” (10 p.m., CBS) treats a case of pediatric leukemia. If you’ve not registered with the National Marrow Donor Program, please do it today at http://www.marrow.org.

David Chappelle stars in the new sketch comedy/variety series “Chappelle’s Show” (10:30 p.m., Comedy Central). Gosh, and it’s been only ten years since his breakout film, Mel Brooks’ “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.”

“Nightline UpClose” (12:06 a.m., ABC) inches further towards the door with a clip show of some of its best interviews, including chats with Nia Vardalos, mountain climber Eric Weinhenmayer, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield, pediatric neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson, and the (over-repeated) conversation with Bruce Springsteen.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox): Jack Osbourne. Plot: A men’s gathering in the woods. Bring on “Iron Fez.”

TALK TALK

* John C. Reilly is all smiley on “The Daily Show.”

* David flirts in a way with Ms. Tina Fey.

* Jay couldn’t vary more his love of Drew Barrymore.

* Craig thinks a brilliant doll is named Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Merv Griffin is spiffin’.

* Conan likes the brains of the lovely Claire Danes, but finds foul Simon Cowell.

THURSDAY MORNING

* Barney and friends Kevin Richardson and Vince Neil chat with Regis and Kelly.

* Katey Sagal and Wilmer Valderrama do shtick for Caroline Rhea.

* Wayne Brady promotes “Extra” with Leeza Gibbons, “Mr. Sterling” with Audra McDonald, and “Home Improvement” with Richard Karn.

Name That Dune

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, January 23, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

ABC offers assorted sitcom repeats this evening.

The original Allan Smithee version of “Dune” (7 p.m., Sci Fi) is a great way to punish your children, even if they are fans of Kyle MacLachlan and Sting.

If Fox had run another night of “Amercan Idol” instead of a horror movie, trust me, you’d probably “Scream 2” (8 p.m.)

“Colonel Sanders: America’s Chicken King” may not reveal his recipe, but the “Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) will offer the intriguing secret of how he got the money for his first restaurant.

Arsenio Hall is “hit with the digits” on “Star Search” (8 p.m., CBS), although a slap in the face every so often would work as well.

Even though they just competed in the “Royal Rumble,” the actor/athletes of “WWE SmackDown!” (8 p.m., UPN) are already getting ready for another, ye olde “WrestleMania.”

“Savage Seas” (8 p.m., PBS) braves the deep and investigates shark attacks. Call in now with a pledge of $60 and we’ll send you the “Savage Seas” fishnet tote bag.

The analysts of “Inside the NFL” discuss the “all-pirate” Super Bowl. (8 p.m., HBO).

The act of tailgating continues on “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) with more odd treats: oyster stew over spinach-potato pancakes, wild pecan rice dressing, sour cream apple cake, and grilled quail and andouille sausage ragu.

The Task Force for Regional Autotheft Prevention helps track down the nation’s vehicles, one of which is “Stolen Every 23 Seconds” (8 p.m., Discovery). Just think of if as the pilot for the next “Law & Order” spin-off.

It’s hotel night on the Travel Channel, with documentaries on “America’s Great Theme Hotels” (8 p.m.), “America’s Top 10 Hotels” (9 p.m.) and “America’s Great Family Friendly Hotels” (10 p.m.)., all of which you can probably book tonight at a decent off-season rate.

Ted Koppel hosts the 90-minute town meeting “America in Black and White: Jasper, Texas” (9 p.m., PBS). For edited highlights, watch an hour of “Nightline” (11:35 p.m., ABC).

“Ku Klux Klan: A Secret History” (9 p.m., History) introduces the contestants on the new White Entertainment Television reality series “The Amazing Racists.”

“Myth Busters” (9 & 10 p.m., Discovery) becomes the fourth series in two months to debunk “urban legends.” Tonight’s revelations include the 1967 Chevy myth, Pop Rocks candy and soda, airline toilets, “biscuit bazooka” and a leaping lawyer.

Leftover restaurant food gets recycled on the always tasteful “Jamie Kennedy Experiment” (9:30 p.m., WB).

Dave visits Oakland on “Insomniac With Dave Attell” (10 p.m., Comedy Central) and manages to get out alive.

“PrimeTime Thursday” (10 p.m., ABC) hopes to shock with an exclusive look at underage kids in the porn industry. At least it would be exclusive, if “48 Hours Investigates” hadn’t done the same story last week.

“MSNBC Reports” (10 p.m.) nabs an interview with Fidel Castro for a look at “Castro’s Cuba: At the Crossroads.”

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Scrubs” (8:30 p.m.NBC): Dick Van Dyke. Plot: J.D. accidentally leaves an ottoman in a patient.

“The Surreal Life” (9 p.m., WB): Monty Hall. Plot: Let’s make a talent show?

“Good Morning, Miami” (9:30 p.m., NBC): Tom Poston. Plot: Jake and Penny determine that a kiss is just a kiss.

TALK TALK

* Jimmy Kimmel taunts Jon Stewart about getting the post-“Nightline” slot on “The Daily Show.”

* On “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno,” George Clooney confesses, Queen Latifah overdresses and Tonic percusses.

* Ellen DeGeneres acts all lesbianish on “Late Show With David Letterman,” followed by a killer set from Billy Corrigan’s new band Zwan.

* Jerry O’Connell slides into the interview chair on “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

* Dylan McDermott practices telling Conan about his show’s new time slot, while Penn & Teller discuss their new show, which is full of … laughs.

FRIDAY MORNING

* Of Jeff Goldblum, Swoosie Kurtz and Pat Sajak, only one of them has a new TV series to promote on “Live With Regis and Kelly.”

* Sean Hannity creeps out the liberal ladies of “The View.”

* Phil Donahue and Sam Rockwell guest on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Oddly enough, Glen Campbell is probably the big guest on “The Wayne Brady Show” compared to the others in the green room: Mark Feuerstein, Holly Robinson-Peete and Melissa Rivers.

C P&T:BS! OK?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, January 24, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

The staff wants “Mister Sterling” (8 p.m., NBC) to start campaigning to be reelected, while he’d rather work on boring stuff like, you know, creating laws.

Oliver North, Gennifer Flowers, Tammy Faye Bakker, Denise Brown, Heidi Fleiss, Sydney Biddle Barrows, Bernhard Goetz, Mark Fuhrman … “Where Are They Now?” (8 p.m., VH1) And why does this alleged music channel care?

The title psychic teen of “That’s So Raven” (8 p.m., Disney) lands a job at the school newspaper covering the sports beat instead of the fashion page, where her gift would be highly useful.

Deaq and Van train a new rookie on “Fastlane” (8 p.m., Fox), but the son of the deputy police chief then has to help rescue Van from kidnappers.

Noranti and Rygel buy an alien slave from the planet Trentlottus on a Very Special “Farscape” (8 p.m., Sci Fi).

“She’s the One” (8 p.m., WE - Women’s Entertainment), starring Jennifer Aniston, Edward Burns, Cameron Diaz and John Mahoney, is one of the worst films I’ve seen that wasn’t originally produced for Cinemax.

Turner Classic Movies follows up its recent late-night monster marathon with their offspring: “Son of Frankenstein” (8 p.m.), “The Son of Kong” (9:45 p.m.), “Son of Sinbad” (11 p.m.) and the Joe E. Brown spy comedy, “Son of a Sailor” (12:45 a.m.).

Sundance Channel’s “Anatomy of a Scene” (8:30 p.m.) trains its lens on “Narc,” a film which knocked ‘em dead at the network’s festival last year.

“Sabrina” (8:30 p.m., WB) comes out of the broom closet as a witch to reverse a spell cast on Roxie.

The “Stargate SG-1” (9 p.m., Sci Fi) team gets involved in a political assassination, as so often happens to dimensional travelers.

“Reba” (9 p.m., WB) puts her weddin’ ring up on the eBay, and Brock bids so’s he kin get it back fer her.

“The Little Big Horn: The Untold Story” (9 p.m., History) is an interesting lesson for those who get their view of Native Americans only from watching the Atlanta Braves games.

Shocking secrets are revealed on “Greetings From Tucson” (9:30 p.m., WB). Is one of them actually “José Millonario”?

Friends and family celebrate a musical legacy in “Tribute to Tupac” (9:30 p.m., MTV2), which also hopes to blatantly plug an album : “The Rose That Grew From the Concrete.”

“20/20” (10 p.m., ABC) pairs up stories of overweight teenage girls and the plight of “Free Willy’s” Keiko, the killer whale.

When Judge Moran has only a a snitch’s word in a murder case on “Queens Supreme” (10 p.m., CBS), he risks endangering the informant’s life as well. Plus, a has-been actress wants the right to sell an amateur sex tape she recorded with a fellow star before they gained fame.

“Penn & Teller: Bullshit!” (11 p.m., Showtime) is already in my year-end “Best-of” list, and is really the sort of thing “20/20” and “PrimeTime Live” should be doing. It’s like “60 Minutes” but only the suits are gray. P&T are obnoxious, rude and hilarious but, just like your columnist, they’re also much smarter than you. Tonight’s opener takes on “Crossing Over’s” John Edward and the fortunately canceled James Van Praagh, not just because these hosts and others of their filky ilk are (alleged) scam artists, but because they think only the lowest of the low would rip off the bereaved. (Jillette is mourning the recent loss of his mother.)

DOUBLE FEATURES DU JOUR

“The French Connection” (8 p.m.) and “Bullitt” (9:55 p.m.) on AMC. Screech screech, bang bang!

“E! True Hollywood Story” of Mama Cass (8 p.m.) and Karen Carpenter (9 p.m.).

POINTLESS PEDOPHILIA PLOT

“Dateline NBC” (9 p.m., NBC). Was this child abused or the victim of a rare bone disease? And wouldn’t this work better on PBS with a less tabloidy delivery?

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“The Drew Carey Show” (9:30 p.m., ABC) Ian Gomez, Greg Proops, John Madden, Al Michaels. Plot: The store prepares a live Super Bowl ad. You’ll note the show, now in time slot #3 since September, hasn’t been asked to do a live episode yet this year.

“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (10 p.m., NBC): “In the Bedroom’s” William Mapother. Plot: A dirty cop may have had a pusher whacked.

TALK TALK

* Joan Rivers and Isaac Hayes chat on a new “So /(‘V’) Graham Norton.”

* In the cliffhanger finale of “Nightline UpClose,” Sydney reveals Robert Krulwich is the father of her baby, or is it that good-for-nothing Dr. Michael Mancini? Oh, and Elie Wiesel is interviewed.

* “The Charlie Rose Show” offers tributes to Richard Harris, Herb Ritts, Al Hirschfeld and Roy Jenkins.

* It’s a good thing “The Tonight Show” isn’t “Blind Date”: Renée Zellweger and Kevin Smith get some couch time while Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock tune their instruments.

* Dave cringes while John Witherspoon tries to get on Bonnie Hunt’s show, arguing “Well, you gave Rip Taylor a guest shot.”

* Alan Cumming and Maya Rudolph dance to a special cover of “The Masochism Tango” as performed by Conan’s musical guests Morcheeba.

* Adrien Brody, Sarah Chalke and Wondermints fight over who’s the A-guest on the “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

* Snoop Dogg chats with Carson Daly about videotaping a tape of “Girls Gone Wild,” while Sam Rockwell threatens to gong the band Interpol.

I only have “really adequate” bowls.

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Saturday and Sunday, January 25-26, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

They can add as many adjectives to it as they like, but the “AKC Eukanuba National Invitational Championship” (8 p.m., Animal Planet) is really just the “Best in Show” tournament for all the other “Best In Show” winners.

Jack Black continues stretching his homage to Chris Farley in the fat farce “Shallow Hal” (8 p.m., HBO).

I swear, this is the actual network-provided description of tonight’s “Cops” (8 p.m., Fox): “Police officers find a loaded weapon in a suspect’s pants.” I’m guessing that he’s not just happy to see them.

“The 60th Annual Golden Globe Awards” (8 p.m., Bravo) repeats here, but chances are this time Bono’s F-bomb will be bleeped.

If you’re more in the mood for new acceptance speeches, tune in the “Sundance Awards Live” (9 p.m., Sundance).

“America’s Most Wanted” (9 p.m., Fox) heads south in hopes of stopping a serial killer in Baton Rouge.

In possibly their dumbest special yet, VH1 goes “Behind the Red Carpet” (9:30 p.m.) with the actual history of the use of red carpets.

Showtime Too is running the indy hit “The Fluffer” (10 p.m.), a romance set in the porn industry, which has gained notoriety with the recent real-life gay-bashing of its star, Trev Broudy.

HBO’s Saturday night at the fights (10 p.m.) offers welterweights Vernon Forrest and Ricardo Mayorga in the main event, and an additional card of super featherweights Joel Casamayor vs. Nate Campbell.

It’s finally lie detector time on “Meet My Folks” (10 p.m., NBC), once the Maloney parents finally whittle down the pack to two bimbos.

ESPN2 offers a 17 1/2 hour marathon of “Super Bowl Highlights” (12:30 a.m.) of each match-up from Super Bowl II (Packers vs. Raiders) through XXXVI (Patriots vs. Rams).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Touched by an Angel” (8 p.m., CBS): Charles Durning, Charles Rocket. Plot: A criminal (whose brother is, naturally, a cop) confesses to a crime he’s about to commit in a Catholic confessional.

SUNDAY

There really aren’t too many new options for those skipping the Super Bowl, but most are marathons (listed below).

“Nature” (8 p.m., PBS) offers one of the simplest diversions for the footbalphobic: Look, a box of puppies!

“Soap Pads 3” (8 p.m., HGTV) offers a Reader’s Digest mix of Architectural Digest and Soap Opera Digest, with a tour of the homes and occasional redecorating efforts made by Jerry Douglas of “The Young and the Restless,” “Guiding Light’s” Yvonna Kopacz and “Days of Our Lives” costars Allison Sweeney and Matt Cedeno.

If the ABC halftime show isn’t to your liking, you can always flip over to the “Saturday Night Live Super Bowl Halftime Special” (8 p.m-ish, NBC), which will at the very least feature “Weekend Update With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.”

Movie options include the Oprah Book Club weeper “The Deep End of the Ocean” (9 p.m., CBS), with the secret diary of Michelle Pfeiffer.

“Me and Mrs. Jones” (“Masterpiece Theatre,” 9 p.m., PBS) has nothing to do with the 1972 soul classic by Billy Paul. Instead it’s another British romance with the destined lovers being a tabloid reporter and the new British PM.

“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (11:45-ish p.m., ABC) premieres (for some) with cohost Snoop Dogg, big-time guest George Clooney and musical guest Coldplay.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Alias” (10:15-ish p.m., ABC): Rutger Hauer. Plot: Syd meets the new head of SD-6.

MARA-WANNA?

* Trio serves up 19 hours of Aussie diva “Dame Edna” May Beazley starting at 8 a.m., possums.

* Toon Disney scrapes up 12 1/2 hours of “Timon & Pumbaa” (10 a.m.) for your enjoyment.

* Food Network serves up 12 hours of “Two Fat Ladies” (2 p.m.).

* A&E snoops in their vaults to find 12 hours of “Murder, She Wrote” (4 p.m.).

* The WB network repeats the first three hours of “High School Reunion” (7 p.m.).

* Bravo counterprograms all that testosterone with episodes of gay and lesbian reality programming: four episodes of “Fire Island” (6 p.m.) leading into all four hours of last September’s “Gay Weddings” (8 p.m.).

DOUBLE FEATURE DU JOUR

“The E! True Hollywood Stories” of America’s favorite un-couple Rock Hudson (6 p.m.) and Doris Day (8 p.m.).

MONDAY MONDAY TALK TALK

* After enjoying a performance of a number from “The Producers,” Regis and Kelly try to convince Dylan McDermott and Howie Mandel not to audition for the roles.

* Jeff Daniels and Skeet Ulrich sell their wares on “The View,” with guest cohost Nancy Travis.

* Vince Neil shares his “Surreal Life” experiences with Caroline Rhea.

* Margaret Cho, Jerry O’Connell and Jerome Bettis offer nifty anecdotes to Wayne Brady.

Congrats to Caleb Nelson on winning $1300 from Ben Stein

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, January 27, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

Monday brings an entire night of UPN repeats. How unlike them.

A younger Indiana Jones and son are raiding tombs on “Veritas: The Quest” (8 p.m., ABC).

In the tradition of previous stunt lineups such as “Blackout Night ,” “Full Moon Night” and “Hurricane Miami,” “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) kicks off a snowed-in evening on NBC with “The Blizzard Show,” featuring contestants balancing on a Ferris wheel and trying to consume an even more disgusting pizza than those little “party pizzas” that can be found in most any grocery store for a dollar.

Jon Favreau’s guests on “Dinner for Five” (8 p.m., IFC) are Dom DeLuise, Richard Lewis, Peter Falk and director John Herzfeld.

“Trauma: Life in the ER” (8 p.m., TLC) visits Fresno, California to work on the patients who just couldn’t handle that town any longer.

“The E! True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) explores porn star John Holmes’ involvement in the Wonderland Murders. It’s a two-hour episode, not that size matters.

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) pretends it’s “Nightline” with a look at the personal and diplomatic lives of the Saudi royal family.

Therapy is traumatic for Annie on “7th Heaven” (8 p.m., WB), since she’d rather not be analyzed by Eric’s shrink. At least she’s not stabbed like Roxanne.

“Bridezillas” (8 p.m., Fox) will bring no raves from NOW, but the documentary on brides run amok gives the women what they deserve — humiliation on national television.

“Building the Impossible: The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World” (9 p.m., Discovery) uses computer animation and assorted ancient sources to help penetrate the secrets of some of the hallowed grounds.

The weather outside on “Third Watch” (9 p.m., NBC) is frightful, and one of the characters’ kids is trapped in a snowdrift with her older boyfriend after using drugs.

The “American Experience” (9 p.m., PBS) looks at the building of the Transcontinental Railroad in a manner only slightly different than “Blazing Saddles.”

Not “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS) after all. A local sports radio goofball has a few things to say about Ray.

“The Practice” (9 p.m., ABC) makes the case (or at least three six-packs) for suing beer companies for alcohol-related deaths, and Ellenor tries to stop an execution.

Another one bites the dust as “Joe Millionaire” (9 p.m., Fox) whittles down the gold diggers by one more level.

The cast and crew of “Cirque du Soleil: Fire Within” (9 p.m., Bravo) celebrate Christmas with their families and/or chiropractors.

It doesn’t make much of a case for success when one of the unknowns quits “The It Factor L.A.” (9:30 p.m., Bravo), probably their only Hollywood gig ever.

Judy and Bill both want to be the “good cop” with their kids on “Still Standing” (9:30 p.m., CBS).

“CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS) investihates underground meth labs, where network executives think moving “The Practice” to Mondays will help it.

“Miracles” (10 p.m., ABC) might best be titled the “Cross Files,” with star Skeet Ulrich as the Vatican’s version of Fox Mulder.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC): Ivan Sergei. Plot: What caused a guest pathologist to collapse during an autopsy?

TALK TALK

* Rosie Perez like, you know, chats about like stuff, like including, you know, her latest projects on like “The Daily Show”?

* “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” welcomes Heather Graham and musical guest Vivian Green.

* Dave is taking the week off.

* Patricia Heaton loves Craig Kilborn.

TUESDAY MORNING

* Ellen DeGeneres tells Regis and Kelly how she celebrated her birthday over the weekend, Sara Rue and Andy Richter enjoy the craft service table, and the cast of “Man of La Mancha” tilts at Gelman.

* Original “Fox After Breakfast” host Tom Bergeron joins the morning crew of “The View,” now with 103% more Kathy Griffin.

* Sara Rue also drops by “The Caroline Rhea Show,” along with the fading star Jeff Daniels.

* Sarah Chalke and Will Estes spin plates with Wayne Brady.

Is the war effort dead? Find out tonight on “CSI: Iraq”

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, January 28, 2003

All times Eastern

“Dateline” (8 p.m., NBC) asks “what happens when a body is found at the medical examiner’s home?” Answer: They let someone else investigate. Now then, you can watch something else.

The viewer voting begins on “American Idol” (8 p.m., Fox), courtesy of an audience that was either too young, or just chose not to vote in November.

“Gilmore Girls” (8 p.m., WB) go a fishin,’ and deal with their ties to Korea.

“Lizzie Borden: A Woman Accused” gives the story a whack on “Biography” (8 p.m., A&E).

A flatulent kids’ toy is a great way to get rich, “According to Jim” (8:30 p.m., ABC).

“War Search” (9 p.m., CBS): “My fellow Americans, as you know your home voting counts as one star, while the opinions of my cabinet count for the remaining 99 stars. And the winner is, Mr. Cheney please hit me with the digits!”

“Allies” (9 p.m., NBC): Rachel returns to work at the UN, little knowing that at home Ross is letting baby Emma play in empty warhead casings.

Diplomacy is for wusses on “World’s Wildest Weapons Inspections” (9 p.m., Fox).

President Bush gives his final answer on “Who Wants To Bomb a Million Iraqis?” (9 p.m., ABC).

Did Clark’s dad shoot Lex’s on “Smallville” (9 p.m., WB)? Probably not.

“What’s in a Kiss?” (9 p.m., Discovery Health) looks at the science of the smooch and its chemical effects on the brain.

The existence of alligators in the NYC sewer system is debated on “Mostly True Stories: Urban Legends Revealed” (9 p.m., TLC).

“Abby” (9 p.m. [check local listings], UPN) dates a high school pal of her ex.

A gun with a secret turns up on “The Shield” (10 p.m., FX); meanwhile Vic and Shane go undercover.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” (8 p.m., ABC): Don Knotts. Plot: A “Three’s Company” homage, with John Ritter as Mr. Roper.

TALK TALK

* “The Tonight Show” welcomes “Daredevil’s” Colin Farrell, “War Stories’” Jeff Goldblum and musical guests Santana and Musiq.

* Jimmy Kimmel has no idea who his guests are for tonight.

* Ellen DeGeneres and MC Hammer compare notes on Anne Heche backstage at “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”

* Jeff Goldblum makes time for a chat with Craig Kilborn, who’d rather be talking to “The Bachelorette.”

WEDNESDAY MORNING

* Joan Lunden and Marisa Tomei gets up at an unreasonable hour to chat with Regis and Kelly, who are also favored with a a performance from the cast of “Thoroughly Modern Millie.”

* Joy Behar asks Peter Falk just one more question on “The View,” and Dr. Robert Atkins promotes his diet.

* Kathy (not “The Mole”) Griffin, Julia Sweeney and David Gray liven up “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Tyne Daly and Rosario Dawson try to figure out who Linda Cobb and Denyce Graves are on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Emeril presents The State of the Union

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, January 29, 2003

All times Eastern

UPN remains in reruns, frankly, it’s the kind of night that makes me wish more shows were reruns.

Jeff Goldblum stars in the failed pilot “War Stories” (8 p.m., NBC) as a “scud stud” with a new cameraman covering the rebels in Uzbekistan.

Will “Biography (8 p.m., A&E) get away with spin, in the tale of “Bill O’Reilly: The Attitude Factor”?

Can you win Ben Stein’s stars on “Star Search” (8 p.m., CBS)?

After tonight Simon will have only 31 losers to mock, belittle, and humiliate on “American Idol” (8:30 p.m., Fox).

“The Bachelorette” (8:30 p.m., ABC) meets the parents not all of whom are thrilled that their son is competing for the hand of the Miami Heat dancer.

“Angel” (9 p.m., WB) reverts back to the soul-less Angelus in order to defeat the Beast.

“American Justice” (9 p.m., A&E) interviews national health care advocate Kathy Bush, who was suddenly arrested for child abuse and accused of keeping her daughter deathly ill.

It’s the best of “Junkyard Wars” (9 p.m., TLC) as the hosts pick “The Rusty Awards.”

“60 Minutes II” (9 p.m., CBS) looks at California’s Felony Murder Rule, which sent an entire group of teens to jail on murder charges even though only one of them committed the crime.

“48 Hours Investigates” (10 p.m., CBS) a cocaine overdose … or was it murder?

The men dress up in coconut bras, the women surf, and the deadly melody tiny bubbles returns on “Celebrity Mole: Hawaii” (10 p.m, ABC).

“Dominick Dunne: Power, Privilege & Justice” (10 p.m, Court TV) offer’s Dunne’s take on the story of Lyle and Erik Menendez.

A crack addict warns elementary school kids to just say no on “Chappelle’s Show” (10:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

* “Dawson’s Creek (8 p.m., WB): Oliver Hudson. Plot: Director Dawson can’t convince one of his actresses to do a nude scene.

* “That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox): Jessica Simpson, Betty White, and Tom Poston. Plot: a jilted Jackie gets jealous.

TALK TALK

* The Daily Show reviews “The State of the Union Address,” with help from Jeff Greenfield.

* Norman Mailer chats up Charlie Rose.

* Dennis Miller makes his monthly visit to “The Tonight Show” with musical guests Santana and Michelle Branch.

* Rick Schroeder and Andy Dick male bond with Craig Kilborn.

* Chuck Barris gongs Bridget Moynahan, while Conan O’Brien asks Peter Falk one more question.

Thursday Morning

* Guest co-host Ashanti helps “The View” welcome Laurence Fishburne and Nancy Grace.

* “Regis and Kelly” interview The Wiggles, Heather Graham, and a performance from Baz Lurhman’s “La Boheme.”

*Alan Cumming, Bridget Moynahan, and style and food expert Colin Cowie sit for Caroline Rhea.

*Heather Graham, Jim Mistry, Wolfgang Puck, Joe Lawrence, and W. Bruce Cameron grace the set of The Wayne Brady Show.

Which one of these Celebrity Jell-Os has … “The Mold”?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, January 30, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

How do they make “Waterworld” (7 p.m., Sci Fi) an even worse film? Add an hour of commercials.

It’s karaoke night on an overlong “Friends” (8 p.m., NBC). Oh right, we’re supposed to call them “Supersized.”

“Evidence Special 2” (8 p.m., Discovery) sifts through the Cook County evidence warehouse for the proof gathered against John Wayne Gacy.

“Star Search” (8 p.m., CBS) holds its second set of semifinals. Odd there’s no male model competition, since that would just involve people looking silly.

A murdered tabloid reporter and the disappearance of a gangster’s son lead our favorite “American Oldie” to the underground L.A. rave scene in “Columbo Likes the Nightlife” (8 p.m., ABC).

Vince McMahon must answer to Hulk Hogan, and though he’s certainly in jeopardy, a response in the form of a question is not necessary on “WWE SmackDown!” (8 p.m., UPN).

Gorilla dating, something Chuck Barris had too much taste ever to show, is a featured story on “It’s a Miracle” (8 p.m., Pax).

“Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) gives “Just the Facts” about Jack Webb.

It’s all sourdough all the time on “Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network), with sourdough cornbread, blueberry sourdough pancakes, a muffaletta sandwich and assorted starter mixes.

What does a “Joe Millionaire” (8 p.m., Fox) do in the woods? Find out if you missed Monday’s episode.

A “Surreal Life” (8 p.m., WB) mini-marathon concludes with an L.A. church service led by MC Hammer.

A case on “CSI” (9 p.m., CBS) hits home for Warrick, since the drive-by shooting occurred in his old ‘hood.

TV’s worst newsmagazine, “The Pulse” (9 p.m., Fox), returns with dieters, frauds and one of the many exclusive interviews with Evan (“Joe Millionaire”) Marriott.

The “Grand Canyon” (9 p.m., Travel): It’s not just for Bradys any more!

TLC offers two decorators a chance to see how the megaliths might look in pastel tones and zebra print on “Mysteries of Stonehenge” (9 p.m.).

“Failure to Protect: The Taking of Logan Marr” (“Frontline,” 9 p.m., PBS) looks into the death of a five-year-old, which can be blamed on the child welfare system.

Will’s coming out story is revealed on “Will & Grace” (9:20 p.m., NBC), as Will and Jack instruct Karen’s cousin on how to be an acceptable gay stereotype.

Wacky hijinks ensue on “The Jamie Kennedy Experiment” (9:30 p.m., WB), with the “X-ing” du jour involving a “New Age rat exterminator.”

Carter decides to move to Africa on “ER” (10 p.m, NBC). Woo hoo. Oh wait, for a moment I forgot I don’t watch “ER.”

“In the Life” (10 p.m, PBS) examines the fatal gay-bashing of Two-Spirited Fred Martinez, Jr.

“C.I.A. Secrets” (10 p.m, Discovery) looks at how the Feds know everything I’m typing right … now, which is a good thing!

“PrimeTime Thursday” (10 p.m., ABC) chats with Kate Hudson, looks into the worst crash in NASCAR history to be survived, and, on the eve of war, explores the spectacular failure of the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Scrubs” (8:40 p.m., NBC): Rick Schroder. Plot: He’s not a doctor, and doesn’t even play one on teevee.

“Without a Trace” (10 p.m, CBS): Charles Dutton. Plot: Roc doesn’t think the task force is doing its job, so he’s willing to do his own vigilanteism.

TALK TALK

God help us all, the absolutely awful “Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn” has actually been renewed by Comedy Central.

* Laurence Fishburne emotes on “The Daily Show.”

* Dana Carvey might apologize for his bomb “The Master of Disguise” on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno,” with musical guests the Goo Goo Dolls.

* Craig Kilborn welcomes Daisy Fuentes and the remaining members of The Doors.

* Conan O’Brien kicks into high gear with Heather Graham and the Shaolin Monks.

FRIDAY MORNING

* George Clooney acts all hunky-like for Regis and Kelly, while the cast of “Hairspray” tunes up.

* Bill O’Reilly thinks “The View” would be great, if they’d just be men.

* Joy Behar and Julia Sweeney stand pat on “The Caroline Rhea Show.”

* Ben Vereen, Mariel Hemingway, Adrien Brody and Anthony Anderson chat with Wayne Brady.

And what about … Wynonna?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Friday, January 31, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

Why is Val dressed like a cheerleader on “What I Like About You” (8 p.m., WB)? Ratings, fool!

Jennifer Lopez plays a highly trained therapist (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) who leaps into the mind of a psychopath in “The Cell” (8 p.m., UPN).

Who’s billing their luxury suite to the credit card of “Mister Sterling” (8 p.m., NBC)? Is it “Electronic Media’s” Michele Greppi?

“America’s Funniest Home Videos” (8 p.m., ABC) forks over $100,000 to someone who really really doesn’t deserve it.

D’Argo finds the villain who killed his wife, but must hold his tongue while he and Crichton attend training to withstand Scarran torture on “Farscape” (8 p.m., Sci Fi).

Richard Grieco and Isaac Hayes star in “Book of Days” (8 p.m., Pax), about a mystical tome that lists when you’ll die. Ah, here it is — “Heald, Thomas: bored to death watching Pax.”

“Yes, Dear’s” Liza Snyder hosts yet another edition of “Funny Flubs and Screw-Ups” (8 p.m., CBS) with CBS sitcom footage which is unfortunately just as funny as the stuff that aired on “Becker” and “King of Queens.”

The Travel Channel offers a visit to “Lost City of Atlantis” (8 p.m.) and details on all the ships “Lost at Sea [in the] Bermuda Triangle” (9 p.m.), and/or a lot of dead air.

“John Doe” (9 p.m., Fox) races to stop a collector who’s kidnapping his victims with an evil goal in mind.

Barbra Jean dyes her hair crimson, which has “Reba” (9 p.m., WB) seeing red.

“Dateline” (9 p.m., NBC) tells the tale of a New York City lawyer willing to risk everything for his mistress.

“Hack” (9 p.m., CBS) has a chance to get his police gig back, but at the cost of his friend’s career.

A couple on “Greetings From Tucson” (9:30 p.m., WB) celebrates their all important one-month anniversary, which is more than can be said for the CBS drama “Queens Supreme.”

Racing accident survivor Jason Priestley emotes to Babs on “20/20” (10 p.m., ABC).

“48 Hours Investigates” (10 p.m., CBS) the August 2002 kidnapping of Jacque Marris.

“Other World” (10 p.m, A&E) presents eviden… er… proo… uh… wild speculation about the activities and contents of Area 51.

It’s assassination night on “It Happened Here” (10 p.m, Travel) with trips to Dealy Plaza, the Book Depository and the grassy knoll, as well as a market square in northern France where Joan of Arc met her fate.

DOUBLE CREATURE FEATURE

“The E! True Hollywood Story” presents chilling tales of Robert Blake (8 p.m.) and O.J. Simpson (9 p.m.).

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

“Fastlane” (8 p.m., Fox): Jay Mohr, rapper Treach. Plot: Snipers want to kill the entire L.A.P.D., unless the two guys with totally bitchin’ cars can stop them.

“Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” (8:30 p.m., WB): Donny Most. Plot: Sabrina in Wonderland, with “Ralph Malph” as the White Rabbit.

“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (10 p.m., NBC): Judd Hirsch. Plot: A one-month-old baby is found dead and floating in an ice cooler in the East River, and a college clinic, citing privacy concerns, refuses to help the detectives.

TALK TALK

* Bob Schieffer and Liz Smith share their views on Iraq and/or Nicole Kidman with Charlie Rose.

* “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” welcomes Oprah Winfrey. Memo to Oprah: “CALL DAVE!”

* Lauren Graham and Ali Larter get ogled by Craig Kilborn, followed by a performance from neu-metal band Mudvayne.

* LL Cool J and Neil Finn act cool and finnish with Conan O’Brien.

Shuttle diplomacy

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Sunday, February 2, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

ABC programming times may vary with football overages.

Pardon the lateness, it’s still a sobering time to write this column as someone who thoroughly enjoys playing with the language. Thanks to all who wrote in with comments about yesterday’s non-column. Yes, I know the title “Shuttle cocked” was a little more whimsical and/or cynical than would seem necessary, but I am who I am. Hopefully that’s why you continue to read this, and occasionally pass it on to friends.

“60 Minutes” (7 p.m., CBS) interviews CIA officer Brian Kelley, who was mistaken by officials as spy Robert Hanssen for over four years.

The sisters are manipulated by voodoo on “Charmed” (8 p.m., WB), with kidnapping, stripping and cleaning afoot.

Marge pumps up on “The Simpsons” (8 p.m., Fox) after being mugged. Wacky mayhem ensues.

“Good Fences” (8 p.m., Showtime) explores racial struggle in the 1970s with the well to do

Danny Glover and wife Whoopi Goldberg moving on up to a predominantly white

neighborhood, but mortified when lower class lottery winner Mo’Nique also moves into

the community.

The Hallmark Channel begins airing “Roots” (9 p.m.) once again for Black History Month.

Who needs Napster when you can borrow your friend’s LPs? Meg and Sam attempt to dismantle the music industry with peer to peer file sharing on “American Dreams” (8 p.m., NBC).

The gang plays “truth or dare” on “High School Reunion” (9 p.m., WB). Hide the Evian bottles.

A bathtub bulges with a Botoxed™ body on “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (9 p.m., NBC).

“Brush With Fate” (9 p.m., CBS), part of the “Hallmark Hall of Fame” series, spends three centuries with the mysteries of Vermeer painting and the talents of Glenn Close, Thomas Gibson and Ellen Burstyn.

The inmates on “Oz” (9 p.m., HBO) confess, regress, succumb and rage on. Prison “fun” continues with the America Undercover documentary “Judgment Day: Should the Guilty Go Free” (10 p.m., HBO) with the decisions in three parole board hearings.

“Masterpiece Theatre” (9 p.m., PBS) begins a four part murder mystery set at the brink of WWII, “Foyle’s War: The German Woman.”

What with Emmanuel Lewis getting his share of the spotlight on “The Surreal Life,” it seems kind of obvious that Gary Coleman would choose to get match made on “Star Dates”(10 p.m., E!).

Is “Dragnet” (10 p.m., ABC) new and/or improved? You be the judge. On the opener, Friday and friend investigate a serial killer who’s spray painting his victims silver.

“Inside TV Land” (10:30, TV Land) repeats one of last years’ documentaries — “African

Americans on Television.”

It might seem the wrong time for “Ten Minutes Older” (10:45 p.m., Showtime) to air “Addicted to the Stars” but the sci-fi themed short’s exploration of an astronaut’s passion has an interesting payoff that makes a slightly surreal tribute to the dedication of the lost crew of the Columbia.

NBC pretends it’s HBO with the violent drug cartel saga “Kingpin” (10 p.m., NBC), a mix of “The Sopranos” and “Traffic.” If you’re going to watch anyway, you might watch the “directors cut” when it airs on Bravo in a month or so.

Orlando Jones and Jennifer Love Hewitt star in “The Maxim Magazine NFL Beach Bash” (10 p.m., ESPN) with assorted sketches, awards and, of course, bimbos and beer.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

* “King of The Hill” (7:30 p.m., Fox): Bruce Dern, George Foreman, Carmen Electra. Plot: the idiots box on your idiot box.

* “Alias” (9 p.m., ABC): Ethan Hawke. Plot: duplicity.

* “Malcolm in the Middle” (9 p.m., Fox): Cloris Leachman. Plot: Lois discovers the truth behind SD-6 and/or EPT.

TALK TALK

Monday Monday

* Kathie Lee Gifford returns to daytime TV as a temporary co-host of “The View.” Stiller and Meera guest.

* Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson and Lifehouse croon for Caroline Rhea

* Charo, Jim Belushi, and the Folies Bergere showgirls giggle and/or jiggle on The Wayne Brady Show.

Testing, 1-2-3

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Monday, February 3, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

Fifty gallons of cow blood, dead skunks and tomato hornworms are involved in a special “all gross” episode of “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC). Why not just play them Joe Rogan’s comedy album?

The new preacher’s evil twin surfaces on “7th Heaven” (8 p.m., WB).

Nikki is taken hostage during a bank robbery in generic sitcom plot #47 on “The Parkers” (8 p.m., UPN).

Don Knotts and Ron Howard tell tales of “Andy Griffith: Hollywood’s Homespun Hero” (“Biography,” 8 p.m., A&E).

The “King of Queens” (8 p.m., CBS) and his wife learn how boring their lives are after arriving home with someone else’s vacation photos.

“Veritas: The Quest” (8 p.m., ABC) heads south to Antarctica, but their plane crashes.

Flex’s sister arrives with news that she’d rather be a supermodel than a role model on “One on One” (8:30 p.m., UPN).

Romance and/or sleet are in the air on an “Everwood” (9 p.m., WB) ski trip, with kisses, near misses and thoughts as pure as the Phoebe Snow.

Rehearsals begin on “Cirque du Soleil: Fire Within” (9 p.m., Bravo) with everyone seeking Guy Laliberte’s approval.

Another bimbo bites the dust on “Joe Millionaire” (9 p.m., Fox).

Kunta Kinte arrives in the new land on “Roots” (9 p.m., Hallmark) and gains a mentor named Fiddler.

Dudes and dudettes can be found skiing, snowboarding and snowmobiling, among other edgy efforts, at the “Winter X Games” (9 p.m., ESPN2).

The “Girlfriends” (9 p.m., UPN) are threatened when one bonds with a single mother.

A man makes up for lost time with a deathbed confession to a dozen murders on the crime anthology “Waking the Dead” (9 p.m., BBC America).

“American Experience” (9 p.m., PBS) looks at the real life of John Nash, subject of “A Beautiful Mind.”

“Unwrapped” (9 p.m., Food Network) looks at the origins of the TV Dinner, celebrating its 50th anniversary this year.

After Spence has a one-night stand on “Half and Half” (9:30 p.m., UPN), the sisters suggest he make sure to be tested for HIV/AIDS. Odd, this never comes up on “Friends.”

“The It Factor L.A.” (9:30 p.m., Bravo) sends one cast member to South Africa, while another tapes the failed pilot of “Save the Last Dance” for Fox.

The parents on “Still Standing” (9:30 p.m., CBS) get in shape, but not too much.

The team of “Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC) does the Time Warp to solve a homicide which may have been the work of the Boston Strangler.

A plane disappears from radar on “Miracles” (10 p.m., ABC), while the passengers experience psychic trauma.

“Great Performances” (10 p.m., PBS) presents “Dance in America: Born to Be Wild,” a look at the leading men of the American Ballet Theatre.

“Search for Khan’s Tomb” (10 p.m., Discovery) looks for the closely guarded secret location of the burial ground of Genghis Khan.

“Rank” (10 p.m., E!) gossips about the current and future careers of the himbos, bimbos, hunks and lunks of “Young Hollywood,” including new “Star Wars” star Hayden Christensen.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

“CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS): Ye olde unethical crematorium.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

* “Boston Public” (8 p.m., Fox): Anne Archer, Counting Crows. Plot: Everyone learns of the affair Flynn’s having with a student’s mother, including her arms-dealer husband.

* “Yes, Dear” (8:30 p.m., CBS): Tim Conway, Vicki Lawrence, David James Elliott, Catherine Bell. Plot: Greg’s dad wins a bit part on “JAG.”

* “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS): Fred Willard, Georgia Engel, Chris Elliott. Plot: Robert meets his future in-laws.

* “Third Watch” (9 p.m., NBC): Mia Farrow. Plot: A Very Special lesson on drug abuse.

* “The Practice” (9 p.m., ABC): Alfre Woodard. Plot: Ellenor tries to stop an execution by taking the woman off her medicine, which leaves her insane enough to think that moving “The Practice” to Mondays was a good idea.

TALK TALK

* “Trading Spaces” designer Doug Wilson visits “The Daily Show.”

* Kate Hudson and Jack Hanna invade the “Late Show With David Letterman.”

* Jay Leno welcomes “Shanghai Knights” costars Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson, and competitors of an “American Fido” competition.

* Jim Belushi overestimates his importance, Mya hopes for an Oscar nomination for “Chicago” and 30 Seconds to Mars rock the joint on the “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn.”

Tuesday Morning

* Lionel Richie says “Hello” to Kate Hudson backstage on “Live With Regis and Kelly.”

* “The View” honors their “most loyal fans,” and Kelsey Grammer drops by.

* Caroline Rhea welcomes “A.U.S.A.’s” Scott Foley, “Hack’s” Andre Braugher, and the latest bimbo booted by “Joe Millionaire.”

* Debbie Reynolds and Tammy Faye Messner use all of the makeup for the entire season on “The Wayne Brady Show.”

Taco

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Tuesday, February 4, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

“JAG” (8 p.m., CBS) catches the time travel bug “Crossing Jordan” had last night, and offers an WWII romance off the coast of Iwo Jima.

Defense contractors face off in the “Battle of the X-Planes” on “Nova” (8 p.m., PBS).

The oft-told tale of JFK and “PT 109” gets another spin on “History Undercover” (8 p.m., History).

An all-female “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) subjects the ladies to eels and a test of heights, but not necessarily depth.

Willow transforms on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (8 p.m., UPN), and the Scoobies discover a secret about Giles.

The audience voting finally begins on “American Idol” (8 p.m., Fox).

A “Biography” of Raymond Burr (8 p.m., A&E) and the “True Hollywood Story” of Carmen Electra (8 p.m., E!) should entertain their completely different audiences.

Lorelai remembers giving birth to Rory on “Gilmore Girls” (8 p.m., WB). Please, dear God, no delivery room footage.

Heaven should not be thanked for little girls, “According to Jim” (8:30 p.m., ABC).

While Clark’s under the influence of red kryptonite again on “Smallville” (9 p.m., WB), he’s not the only one going wild. Pete and Chloe suddenly have no fear as well.

“The Guardian” (9 p.m., CBS) helps a transvestite fight for custody of his lover’s son. Shame on CBS for advertising it as the show’s “strangest case ever.”

The President has his suspicions, Kate and Jack head to a mosque, and Bob strikes out on “24” (9 p.m., Fox), sometime between 6 and 7 p.m.

“A.U.S.A.” (9:30 p.m., NBC), with “Felicity’s” Scott Foley, becomes the latest sitcom not worth bothering with on Tuesdays.

Showtime celebrates Black History Month with the “Black Filmmaker Showcase,” featuring shorts “Unjust Cause” (9 p.m.), “The Life” (9:15), “What Wouldn’t Jesus Do?” (9:45), “Move” (10 p.m.),

“Lock Her Room” (10:30 p.m.) and “Jacob’s Sound” (10:50 p.m.).

Kunta Kinte falls in love on “Roots” (9 p.m., Hallmark).

Miguel continues to rise to power on “Kingpin” (10 p.m., NBC). [You can also watch both of this week’s episodes Friday night on Bravo.]

With heroin dealers targeting a school and an Alzheimer’s subplot, it’s going to be a Very Special episode of “The Shield” (10 p.m., FX).

The detectives of “NYPD Blue” (10 p.m., ABC) hope to catch a rapist, not to mention the dirty cop who planted drugs in Clark’s car.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

* “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” (8 p.m., ABC): Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Plot: Who cares, it’s Backstreet Boy Nick Carter.

* “Life With Bonnie” (9 p.m., ABC): Robin Williams. Plot: He’s psychic, or is that “psycho”?

* “Frasier” (9 p.m., NBC): Bebe Neuwirth. Plot: Lilith wants Frederick to have a sibling.

* “Less Than Perfect” (9:30 p.m., ABC) Jenny McCarthy. Plot: Claude gets burdened shopping for her bosses new floozy.

TALK TALK

* Kate Hudson flirts on “The Daily Show.”

* Dave welcomes Matthew McConaughey for some reason we’ve yet to determine.

* Jay chats with the Crocodile Hunter and Arsenio Hall.

* “Fastlane’s” Peter Facinelli and comedian Elizabeth Beckwith perform at the bidding of Craig Kilborn.

* Patton Oswalt and Tom Cavanagh banter with Conan O’Brien.

* Horatio Sanz certainly doesn’t have to travel far to chat with Carson Daly.

Wednesday Morning

* Jackie Chan kicks off the morning for Regis and Kelly, before Reege has to run over to the set of “The View.”

* Bebe Neuwirth discusses all that jazz with Caroline Rhea.

* Wayne Newton and “Joe Millionaire” butler Paul Hogan talk shop with Wayne Brady.

Plinko: Behind the Pegboard

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Wednesday, February 5, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

“The True Hollywood Story” (8 p.m., E!) trains its security cameras on Winona Ryder.

A rich Corinthian “Biography” (8 p.m., A&E) recalls the life of Ricardo Montalban.

“Candid Camera” (8 p.m., Pax) serves “recycled popcorn” to moviegoers. And the Funts certainly know about recycling.

With its gay character marrying a woman to help her get a green card, “Dawson’s Creek” (8 p.m., WB) has officially morphed into “Melrose Place.”

T’Pol gets the Vulcan equivalent of AIDS in a mind-meld gone awry on A Very Special “Enterprise” (8 p.m., UPN).

“Ed” (8 p.m., NBC) takes his first murder case when a childish prank goes awry.

Spin the Showcase Showdown wheel twice as a contestant, and if it lands on “$1.00” both times you win big on “The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular” (8 p.m., CBS).

“The Search for Lewis and Clark” (8 p.m., Discovery) celebrates the bicentennial of the surveyors’ expedition.

Junior learns that making out with your girlfriend in your parents’ bedroom is not a good idea unless you’ve killed them first on “My Wife and Kids” (8 p.m, ABC).

Annette has a thing for Kelso on “That ’70s Show” (8 p.m., Fox), but unfortunately so does Jackie, which doesn’t bode well for her relationship with Hyde.

“History’s Mysteries” (8 p.m., History) treks to the lesser-known pyramids of Japan, created during the last Ice Age.

Anglophiles will enjoy the PBS lineup of “Queen’s Concerts: Party at the Palace” (8 p.m., PBS), an all-star tribute to the monarch’s Golden Jubilee featuring Paul McCartney, Eric Clapton, Tom Jones, Tony Bennett and Andrea Bocelli, followed by the bio “The Queen’s Story” (9:30 p.m.).

“Storm Stories” (8:30 p.m., Weather Channel) talks with people who’ve been struck by lightning.

“American Idol” (8:30 p.m., Fox) takes a half-hour to reveal the decisions of the ten people who did manage to get through the busy signals last night.

Everybody on “The George Lopez Show” (8:30 p.m., ABC) dons bad wigs and returns to high school in generic sitcom plot #18.

A rape on “Roots” (9 p.m., Hallmark) leads to the birth of Chicken George.

It’s megalomaniacal dictators night on “60 Minutes II” (9 p.m., CBS), featuring interviews with both Saddam Hussein and Ted Turner.

With “Angel” (9 p.m., WB) in chains, the gang interrogates the soulless creature on how to stop the Beast, and what just what drugs he and husband Bobby Brown do in the average day.

A rapper goes insane and a gambler may or may not have an ace in the hole on “The Twilight Zone” (9 p.m., UPN).

The president’s inaugural speech keeps being rewritten on “The West Wing” (9 p.m., NBC) when a mole in the Pentagon is involved in an international incident.

“The Bachelorette” (9 p.m., ABC) takes her three remaining choices on separate romantic dates just like Joe Millionaire did on Monday.

A priest kills a drug dealer on “Law and Order” (10 p.m., NBC) because “God told me to do it.” Start writing those Catholic League protest letters now.

It’s just Fred, Kathy and Erik left on “Celebrity Mole” (10 p.m., ABC), which means it’s time for bad impersonations over dinner.

UNNECESSARY GUEST STAR PATROL

* “The Bernie Mac Show” (9 p.m., Fox): Wesley Snipes. Plot: An embarrassing dinner with the boss.

* “Cedric the Entertainer Presents” (9:30 p.m., Fox): Anna Nicole Smith, Charles Barkley.

TALK TALK

* Busta Rhymes is in the hizzouse on “The Daily Show.”

* Kelsey Grammer and David Letterman could buy and sell us all.

* Jay Leno and Jesse Ventura bump chests, while Luke Wilson says the word “uh” 23 times during his interview.

* Andrew McCarthy remembers the ’80s for Craig Kilborn.

* Conan O’Brien welcomes Roseanne, Dave Attell and Chuck Barris. GONG!

* Jeff Daniels promotes his awful film and art-rock gurus Apples in Stereo reach a new level on “Last Call With Carson Daly.”

Thursday Morning

* The other Wilson Brother, Owen, chats with Regis, Kelly and Kirstie Alley.

* Kathie Lee Gifford once again guest-hosts on “The View.” Sherry Stringfield and Tony Curtis show up anyway.

* Kirstie Alley also runs over to “The Caroline Rhea Show,” possibly to woo the latest “Bachelorette” castoff.

* Paige Davis of “Trading Spaces” offers decorating tips to Wayne Brady, who may need it after The Amazing Johnathan drops by.

Off the Wall. Bad. Dangerous. Unwatchable?

Tom Heald’s Remote Patrol for Thursday, February 6, 2003

All times Eastern

For PBS programs, check local listings

“The Directors” (7 p.m., Encore) explores the off-center work of Mike Figgis.

Michael Jackson implodes (8 p.m., ABC).

War orphans, deer and Larry King are saved on “It’s a Miracle” (8 p.m., Pax). I feel so inadequate having saved only Green Stamps over the years.

Arsenio hands out $400,000 and assorted record deals, modeling contracts and development deals on the finals of “Star Search” (8 p.m., CBS).

“Joe Millionaire” (8 p.m., Fox) nearly cracks under the pressure.

“Emeril Live” (8 p.m., Food Network) offers more mousse than we saw in the entire run of “Northern Exposure”: avocado mousse with oysters, crawfish and salmon mousse, and brandied duck liver mousse.

“Philip: The Maverick Prince” (8 p.m., PBS) probes the life and exciting military career (yawn) of Mister Queen Elizabeth II.

Paralysis and a sexual predator keep the gang at “CSI” (9 p.m., CBS) busy.

The motley crew of “The Surreal Life” (9 p.m., WB) try to scrape up a blind date for ex-Baywatcher Brande Roderick.

Chicken George gains his freedom on “Roots” (9 p.m., Hallmark).

“The Pulse” (9 p.m., Fox) offers an exclusive interview with the gang at “American Idol,” and (I hope) a separate report on heroin use.

“Sniper: Psychological Crossfire” (9 p.m., Discovery Health) asks scientists who’ve probably never met or seen the case files of John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo to offer their expert analyses.